How should Pauline Fowler exit Eastenders...?

pjmaybe 13 Jul 2006 12:40:30 70,678 posts
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Admit it, you are a closet hand-held gamer while the missus watches Eastenders, but it's like a fecking VIRUS, you can't avoid soaking up the crap dialogue, rubbish characters, or the odd whiff of sapphic action from that fat munter with the face like Celine Dion in a microwave...

Anyhoo, the old boot Pauline Fowler's about to give it all up. So here's your chance as a would-be scriptwriter. How would you write her out of Eastenders for the big Christmas finale episode?

Me :

I'd have her get bombed off her face on ant powder, "Naked Lunch" style and then go on a massive rampage with a variety of automatic weapons, before succumbing to armed police, and taking a swan dive off the ever present scaffolding that seems to festoon the railway bridge.

Over to you. Let's give the hatchet faced old bat the send off she richly deserves.

Peej

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deem 13 Jul 2006 12:42:16 31,634 posts
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Post deleted

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Stickman 13 Jul 2006 12:42:17 28,535 posts
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Send Bill Door round.

Quoted

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Deleted user 13 July 2006 12:42:56

Stenna Stairlift turned up to 11.

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Kay 13 Jul 2006 12:43:02 15,631 posts
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Headbutted to death? Murder on Zidane's floor.

K

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Carrybagma 13 Jul 2006 12:43:13 3,904 posts
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Shootahs

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espadachin 13 Jul 2006 12:43:13 2,197 posts
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she should die alone after shitting out a lung, crawling round per pokey shithole for hours whimpering for mark, with a poo-caked lung hanging out of her arse.

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pjmaybe 13 Jul 2006 12:43:24 70,678 posts
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Truk wrote:
She dies peacefully in her sleep.

..while at the controls of a double decker buscontaining the other cast members hurtling towards a fireworks warehouse? I like it! I like it a lot!!!!

Peej

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richardiox 13 Jul 2006 12:44:02 4,976 posts
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Headshot

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Deleted user 13 July 2006 12:44:04

espadachin wrote:
she should die alone after shitting out a lung, crawling round per pokey shithole for hours whimpering for mark, with a poo-caked lung hanging out of her arse.

\o/

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symmetry 13 Jul 2006 12:44:24 510 posts
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By setting off a 10 megaton nuke in Albert Square.

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GrandTheftApu 13 Jul 2006 12:44:31 6,116 posts
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Fight to the death with Godzilla, which also decimates most of Walford.

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smoothpete 13 Jul 2006 12:45:21 29,183 posts
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GrandTheftApu wrote:
Fight to the death with Godzilla, which also decimates most of Walford.

I don't fancy Godzilla's chances in that fight

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Goban 13 Jul 2006 12:45:58 8,932 posts
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In a body bag.

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HoraceGoesSquiffy 13 Jul 2006 12:46:21 1,560 posts
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espadachin wrote:
she should die alone after shitting out a lung, crawling round per pokey shithole for hours whimpering for mark, with a poo-caked lung hanging out of her arse.

Dear god, the harshness!

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pjmaybe 13 Jul 2006 12:46:27 70,678 posts
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espadachin wrote:
she should die alone after shitting out a lung, crawling round per pokey shithole for hours whimpering for mark, with a poo-caked lung hanging out of her arse.

GET THIS MAN A JOB ON THE SCRIPT TEAM! STAT!

I reckon she should just wake up at Sun Hill in a cell as a bag lady, with Mark Fowler standing over her weeping gently while quietly and steadily spooning fecal matter into a brown paper envelope.

Peej

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Whizzo 13 Jul 2006 12:46:54 41,155 posts
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Kay wrote:Murder on Zidane's floor.

What a truely terrible pun!

/salutes

She should get ebola and an FAE is dropped on Albert's Square to make sure the virus doesn't spread.

This space left intentionally blank.

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cubbymoore 13 Jul 2006 12:48:12 35,499 posts
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Sonia should lick her to death.

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espadachin 13 Jul 2006 12:48:32 2,197 posts
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arther should come back as a zombie and chew her miserable cunting face off

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Clive_Dunn 13 Jul 2006 12:48:54 4,731 posts
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Smothered to death in her sleep with an enormous woolly cardigan by the vengeful ghost of Arfah Fowlah, and then chopped up to use as fertiliser on the allotment.

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pjmaybe 13 Jul 2006 12:49:24 70,678 posts
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cubbymoore wrote:
Sonia should lick her to death.

Ugh, can you imagine this? It'd be worse than watching a wildlife proggy featuring masturbating chimps and rutting wildebeeste round your in-laws house.

(why oh why is it that whenever I go visit my in-laws, they're always watching animal wildlife porn)

Peej

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Gus 13 Jul 2006 12:50:03 332 posts
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She should get her own spin-off series: Pauline - The Wilderness Years.

Late night adult grey minge special. Pay per view. Awesome.

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brokenkey 13 Jul 2006 12:51:36 6,320 posts
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I think she'll be sent to jail for 10 years for loan fraud after the banks realise she works in laundrette and therefore will never be able to pay back the loan she took out to pay for her face lift.

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Deleted user 13 July 2006 12:53:23

Thread should be re-named 'how should Eastenders exit television?'.

/runs

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cubbymoore 13 Jul 2006 12:53:39 35,499 posts
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Jim Branning chokes her to death with his cock as Dot comes home earlier than expected.

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pjmaybe 13 Jul 2006 12:54:10 70,678 posts
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Bukkaked to death by a thousand science fiction convention attendees...

Peej

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Load_2.0 13 Jul 2006 12:56:11 14,637 posts
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In a twisted romp with her son Mark Fowler she contracts a mutated version of Aid�s. This incestuous mutation grants her the powers of Astral Projection, heat vision and teleportation. She then embarks on a crusade against evil doers. Unfortunately the virus robs her of her sense of irony and humour. Enraged after attending a particularly humorous stand up comedy evening and not laughing once, Pauline eviscerates the entire audience before projecting a giant grotesque picture of her anus into the evening sky. (akin to the bat symbol)
Possessed by an incandescent rage she swells to 4.6 times her normal size and proceeds to hurl potatoes (stolen from one of the many market stalls) at random individuals. These potatoes achieve such incredible speeds that they turn into burning comets of death, each one a signed contract of death for those unfortunate to be in its path.
Fortunately one potato reaches such fantastic speeds that it breaches a space time continuum. Travelling backwards 5 days exactly, and, in particularly unusual twist (Which Pauline is unable to enjoy) re-enters the earths time continuum and Pauline Fowlers head at the exact moment she begins her transformation. Thus cancelling the entire string of events. (possibly)

So there. She is killed by a potato.