The Onion On Form Page 3

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  • Deleted user 24 October 2006 13:48:21
    £20 odd for replacement blades for the fucker.

    There will be something the size of a cricket bat before the end of this decade. Apply it to your face and move it 1/4 inch - job done.
  • pjmaybe 24 Oct 2006 13:48:56 70,676 posts
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    boabg wrote:
    £20 odd for replacement blades for the fucker.

    There will be something the size of a cricket bat before the end of this decade. Apply it to your face and move it 1/4 inch - job done.

    Blades work out the same price for me as they last longer than my old mach 3 ones.

    Peej
  • zErOb_cOOl 24 Oct 2006 13:50:21 3,237 posts
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    boabg wrote:
    £20 odd for replacement blades for the fucker.

    There will be something the size of a cricket bat before the end of this decade. Apply it to your face and move it 1/4 inch - job done.
    I'd buy that.......but only if it has a long, cheesy and over-dramatic advert with nice women in it of course, and a cameo from David Beckham.

    Edited by zErOb_cOOl at 13:50:17 24-10-2006
  • Deleted user 24 October 2006 13:50:37
    pjmaybe wrote:
    boabg wrote:
    £20 odd for replacement blades for the fucker.

    There will be something the size of a cricket bat before the end of this decade. Apply it to your face and move it 1/4 inch - job done.

    Blades work out the same price for me as they last longer than my old mach 3 ones.

    Peej

    Yeah, plus you can turn it over and just go slower.

    /phoowaaar!
  • Deleted user 24 October 2006 13:50:41
    Post deleted
  • Deleted user 24 October 2006 13:53:33
    pjmaybe wrote:
    boabg wrote:
    £20 odd for replacement blades for the fucker.

    There will be something the size of a cricket bat before the end of this decade. Apply it to your face and move it 1/4 inch - job done.

    Blades work out the same price for me as they last longer than my old mach 3 ones.

    Peej
    So actually, it's no better! :p
  • smoothpete 12 Dec 2006 12:58:31 31,017 posts
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    Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!
  • smoothpete 12 Dec 2006 14:21:33 31,017 posts
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    bump, seeing as it didn't bump properly last time
  • smoothpete 26 Jan 2007 10:05:13 31,017 posts
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    Heroic computer dies to save world from master's thesis :D
  • GrandTheftApu 26 Jan 2007 10:07:35 6,119 posts
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    If only rotj's computer would commit a similar altruistic act.
  • smoothpete 14 Feb 2007 13:40:36 31,017 posts
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    Radical Islamic Extremists Snowboard Into U.S. Embassy. This just made me genuinely laugh out loud :D
  • terminalterror 14 Feb 2007 15:11:40 18,937 posts
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    smoothpete wrote:
    Radical Islamic Extremists Snowboard Into U.S. Embassy. This just made me genuinely laugh out loud :D

    That was brilliant!
  • smoothpete 26 Mar 2007 10:52:22 31,017 posts
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    NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing Death - this is brilliant, just what I needed on a monday morning :D
  • urizen 26 Mar 2007 10:54:55 2,158 posts
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    smoothpete wrote:
    Radical Islamic Extremists Snowboard Into U.S. Embassy. This just made me genuinely laugh out loud :D

    LMAO!
  • StarchildHypocrethes 26 Mar 2007 11:02:10 24,564 posts
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    smoothpete wrote:
    NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing Death - this is brilliant, just what I needed on a monday morning :D
    :D

    People are now looking at me due to my uncontrollable giggling.
  • smoothpete 26 Mar 2007 11:05:16 31,017 posts
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    This bit - "According to the officers involved, Livingston's head then attempted to flee the scene by separating from his torso and proceeding down the front steps. "I shouted several times for the fleeing head to halt," Caggiano said. "But the more I yelled, the faster it seemed to roll. After every other option and tactic was exhausted, we were finally left with no choice but to subdue the head with rocket launchers.""
  • Load_2.0 26 Mar 2007 11:10:45 18,197 posts
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    Damn! For some reason when I try and read the Onion I get the worlds strangest runtime C++ Java error. As you can tell I am no computer programmer. But still how frustrating the Onion makes me cry with laughter sometimes.
  • smoothpete 2 Apr 2007 10:03:52 31,017 posts
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    Bush Refuses To Set Timetable For Withdrawal Of Head From White House Banister - the best metaphor for the Iraq war ever
  • smoothpete 26 Apr 2007 10:12:56 31,017 posts
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    Middle East Conflict Intensifies As Blah Blah Blah, Etc. Etc. - this is funny, but at the same time really quite tragic. Sums up the situation perfectly well IMO.

    Edited by smoothpete at 10:13:48 26-04-2007
  • terminalterror 26 Apr 2007 10:24:30 18,937 posts
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    smoothpete wrote:
    Bush Refuses To Set Timetable For Withdrawal Of Head From White House Banister - the best metaphor for the Iraq war ever

    That one is superb!
  • Azazel 26 Apr 2007 10:29:52 720 posts
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    "Caricaturists Self-Portrait Very Forgiving."

    lol!
  • GrandTheftApu 16 May 2007 21:39:25 6,119 posts
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    Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel Or Something To That Effect

    /takes notes
  • otto Moderator 28 May 2007 11:16:19 49,291 posts
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    squaylor wrote:
    The game is free-roaming inside the warehouse environment, meaning that no goals are set for stacking a certain number of boxes, nor is there a time limit for the stacking. The health-level bar remains at a constant peak
    Actually, that sounds right up my street! :D

    say no to Eurogamer sigs

  • finnstar 31 May 2007 14:18:16 1 posts
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    from the archives section... this one is an oldie but a goodie

    Chrysler halts production of neck belts

    http://www.theonion.com/content/news/chrysler_halts_production_of
  • smoothpete 6 Jun 2007 14:53:26 31,017 posts
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    With All Due Respect, I Choose Not To Go Fuck Myself

    By Bruce Teichera
    June 6, 2007 | Issue 43•23

    Sir. Sir. Sir! Now that you have, I dare say, made your opinion on this matter more than abundantly clear, might I finally be afforded the opportunity to respond? Thank you. You have spoken eloquently, and I do appreciate your directness and candor. However, after due consideration of your most adamant proposal, I regret to inform you that I will neither be going nor fucking myself, not now and not in the foreseeable future.

    I say this knowing full well the extent to which your proposal concerning the fucking of myself was emphasized, both with hand gestures and the raising of your voice beyond that of civil conversation, and despite the evident urgency which moved you to repeat the recommendation seven times in rapid succession.

    As much as I, a gentleman, would like to accommodate you, I am nonetheless afraid that I must reject your suggestion out of hand. I find it flatly untenable. And though I appreciate the concern manifest in your statement regarding the use to which I might put my bottom, I do not consider the option of fucking myself—with a broomstick, sideways, as I believe you specified—to be a course of action worthy of my pursuit.

    In fact, at the risk of sounding impolitic, your manner and phrasing have have caused me to doubt whether you have my best interests in mind. Indeed, sir, given the hostility and lack of propriety with which your suggestion was brought to my attention, I think that the case could easily be made that, conversely, you should be the one to go and fuck yourself.

    Perhaps you might wish to proceed with that undertaking by employing the aforementioned broomstick in the sideways manner you were so kind as to prescribe earlier.

    Oh, you don't appreciate that suggestion? Cheerfully retracted, then. Perhaps it is fair to say that we have reached something of an impasse on this fucking-of-oneself matter, and that we should agree to disagree, as it were, and move along to some of the other actions that you, in the short time we have known each other, have suggested that I undertake. Such as your idea that it might be advantageous for me to fuck my mother.

    Let us, for argument's sake, suppose that my mother were still among the living. Even then, the prospect of engaging in sexual intercourse with her nonetheless raises within me a whole host of repulsive associations which, I feel utterly confident in saying, even after intense rumination on the subject, it would not be within my power to overcome.

    I daresay that the obverse action, of fucking your mother in my own mother's stead, however, leaves me no such compunctions and is an undertaking I am more than willing to commit to at this time.

    If the character and comportment of the issue of her womb is any indication, I cannot help but assume that obtaining your mother's consent for such an act—including the oral and anal penetration which your remarks so clearly describe—would be an easy matter.

    Trust me when I say to you that I have listened to and duly considered everything you have said to me. But in all frankness, I can nonetheless assure you that I will most certainly not be eating a bag of dicks or shoving it up or blowing it out—whatever "it" might be, as you have left that crucial pronoun tragically without antecedent—my ass.

    In fact, after all of this dialogue, there's only one conclusion I have reached that I'm even remotely certain is true: You're a goddamned motherfucking cocksucker.

    Good day, sir!
  • warlockuk 19 Jun 2007 12:21:29 19,101 posts
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    After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack :D

    I'm a grumpy bastard.

  • azwipe 19 Jun 2007 23:29:14 100 posts
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    My favorite doesn't seem to be there anymore, but it was just a headline: 'Christopher Reeve Still Paralyzed in Heaven'
  • Deleted user 19 June 2007 23:39:09
    azwipe wrote:
    My favorite doesn't seem to be there anymore, but it was just a headline: 'Christopher Reeve Still Paralyzed in Heaven'

    hehlol
  • Ajay 25 Jun 2007 17:57:02 2,412 posts
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    I guess this one deserves...

    ****Sopranos Spoilers Warning*****

    Seriously, don't even mouseover the link.

    Click

    *******************************

    ...for dramatic effect.
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