The Onion On Form Page 2

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  • smoothpete 31 Mar 2006 11:49:07 31,828 posts
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    Possibly NSFW but very funny. If I get fired in the next 10 minutes then it's not safe
  • terminalterror 31 Mar 2006 12:31:23 18,937 posts
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    smoothpete wrote:
    Possibly NSFW but very funny. If I get fired in the next 10 minutes then it's not safe

    Indeedy, that was pretty funny :)

    I doubt it is work safe though if your work does any sort of text filtering.
  • GrandTheftApu 11 Apr 2006 15:43:14 6,119 posts
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    Another goodun

    Girls Gone Wild Released Back Into Civilization
  • terminalterror 11 Apr 2006 15:56:26 18,937 posts
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    GrandTheftApu wrote:
    Another goodun

    Girls Gone Wild Released Back Into Civilization

    Park ranger Jeff Macken, who assisted in the rescue effort, said they attracted the girls with bright lights similar to those of camera crews. "We had planned to catch them with a net, then sedate them," Macken said. "But we found that shooting them with tranquilizer darts was not as effective as taking a page from nature and putting Rohypnol in their exotic drinks."

  • Retroid Moderator 11 Apr 2006 15:58:32 45,311 posts
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    :D
  • reality_cheque 11 Apr 2006 15:59:36 7,487 posts
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    Bah, more links for me to look at when I get home :(
  • Deleted user 11 April 2006 16:00:59
    o_O
  • Deleted user 1 May 2006 20:08:24
    Kidnappers Realize They Have No Idea What Child Is Worth
  • WarKitty 29 May 2006 09:21:23 566 posts
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    Chris_C wrote:
    This is still the best gaming related Onion ever in my mind - the ghost of christmas future.

    Just read this article, and I realise how accurate this is - it's a Sony machine that can be played in 4 dimensions! OMG IT REALLY IS THE PS5!

    Cheap too, only $399.

    Edit: Bah, just realised I'm logged in as the missus. *is really r_c*

    Edited by WarKitty at 09:22:17 29-05-2006
  • smoothpete 7 Jul 2006 13:06:14 31,828 posts
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    The Onion has been really great this week, they're doing a series of The Best of... over the last years (and I can't tell if they reallyu are old articles or new ones claiming to be old. Dunno). This story made me chuckle but there's a huge load of good stuff up there at the moment.
  • Onny 7 Jul 2006 13:33:47 5,697 posts
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    I have one of the Almanacs at home and there are some classics in there.

    "Solid Snake wonders why curel god forces him to replay death over and over again"

    "Porn stars campaign for harder fucking"

    Fantastic.
  • Mr_Sleep 7 Jul 2006 13:36:44 17,385 posts
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    I was always a fan of:

    "Imaginative cat shits outside the box"

    You are a factory of sadness.

  • smoothpete 12 Jul 2006 09:24:57 31,828 posts
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    Herbert Kornfeld representing Midstate Office Supplies muthafucka!

    Here's the Midstate Office website. Aaah, incongruous ebonics humour, I love it

    :D

  • Deleted user 12 July 2006 09:26:04
    Kornfield is a personal favourite as when I started reading the Onion I worked with a guy who was him.
  • d0bbo 14 Jul 2006 08:55:17 688 posts
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    Project Manager Leaves Suicide PowerPoint Presentation.

    Haha! Great stuff.
  • smoothpete 26 Jul 2006 16:44:43 31,828 posts
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    Wikipedia Celebrates 750 years of American Independance - brilliant :D
  • terminalterror 27 Jul 2006 00:59:05 18,937 posts
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    smoothpete wrote:
    Wikipedia Celebrates 750 years of American Independance - brilliant :D

    "Little did such founding fathers as George Washington, George Jefferson, and ***ERIC IS A FAG*** know that their small, querulous republic would later become the most powerful and prosperous nation in history, the Unified States Of America."

    :D
  • Genji 27 Jul 2006 01:16:42 19,687 posts
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    "When I first heard that Ron had swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills, I was shocked," said Hector Benitez, Butler's friend and coworker at Williams+Kennedy Marketing Consultants. "But after the team went through Ron's final PowerPoint presentation, I had a solid working knowledge of the pain he was feeling, his attempts to cope, and the reasons for his ultimate decision."

    "I just wish he would've shot me an e-mail asking for help," Benitez added.

    Ouch.
  • Freek 27 Jul 2006 01:35:59 7,684 posts
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    smoothpete wrote:
    Herbert Kornfeld representing Midstate Office Supplies muthafucka!

    Here's the Midstate Office website. Aaah, incongruous ebonics humour, I love it

    :D


    That's fantastic!


    Egonomic Task Chair.

    Ain't no shame in wantin' to sit proper when you officin,' word dat. Muhfukkahs who say that ergonomic shit don't matta are jus' frontin.' Any fool who call tha H-Dog a pussy foe wantin' a desk chair wit' adjustable lumbar support an' lever-operated seat height best not show his face ‘round Midstate, lest he wants his sorry ass faded wit' a quickness. This chair got all that, plus a Teflon-coated stain-resistant urethane fabric an' a gently slopin' seat edge to encourage propa lower-leg circulation. Molded polypropylene frame ensure long-lastin' durability. Still gotta problem wit' that? Then kiss mah gently-cradled ass, you wack amateur.
  • smoothpete 8 Sep 2006 14:32:29 31,828 posts
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    Roof On Fire Claims Lives Of 43 Party People
  • souljah 8 Sep 2006 17:33:34 4,701 posts
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    smoothpete wrote:
    Roof On Fire Claims Lives Of 43 Party People

    As flames continued to fill the nightclub, firefighters frantically urged the revelers to keep low to the ground to avoid smoke inhalation, but the warnings were universally ignored.

    "I was screaming at the top of my lungs, 'Get down! Get down, party people!'" said Garry Hodges of Ladder Company 42, "but the more I shouted out, the harder they danced."



    XD
  • Retroid Moderator 24 Oct 2006 13:15:31 45,311 posts
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    Mars Rover "Beginning To Hate Mars"
    "Spirit has been displaying some anomalous behavior," said Project Manager John Callas, who noted the rover's unsuccessful attempts to flip itself over and otherwise damage its scientific instruments. "And the thousand or so daily messages of 'STILL NO WATER' really point to a crisis of purpose."
    :D
  • smoothpete 24 Oct 2006 13:24:46 31,828 posts
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    I saw that one, very good :) "FUCK MARS"
  • zErOb_cOOl 24 Oct 2006 13:34:25 3,237 posts
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    The best Onion article has to be "Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades"

    "Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades. "

    ....and it turned out to be so so true, making it even funnier!

    Edited by zErOb_cOOl at 13:35:22 24-10-2006
  • smoothpete 24 Oct 2006 13:40:02 31,828 posts
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    Thin is, their new one actually has 6 blades, which is just obscene
  • pjmaybe 24 Oct 2006 13:41:06 70,676 posts
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    The good thing is, I only have to change the blade once a month instead of once a week now. Those new ones really are quite good.

    Peej
  • Salaman 24 Oct 2006 13:45:19 19,611 posts
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    I remember a topic here about the "5 blades" when it was announced and for months after I was disappointed that they weren't available in the shops yet.
    I was well pleased when "Fusion" finally hit the shelves.
    :-)

    Peej, you shave that face + head on the same blades for a whole month! O_o
    They should do an ad with you endorsing the stuff.

    :-)
  • Deleted user 24 October 2006 13:45:51
    I use the poncy electircal one which squirts out face stuff while you shave.

    But I'm not much of a bluebeard anyway.
  • pjmaybe 24 Oct 2006 13:46:36 70,676 posts
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    Salaman wrote:
    I remember a topic here about the "5 blades" when it was announced and for months after I was disappointed that they weren't available in the shops yet.
    I was well pleased when "Fusion" finally hit the shelves.
    :-)

    Peej, you shave that face + head on the same blades for a whole month! O_o
    They should do an ad with you endorsing the stuff.

    :-)

    Aye - first razor I've owned that hasn't been blunted as soon as I shave my head.

    The bloody things are ace too.

    Sod off Beckham, I'm gonna be Gillette's new poster boy. Now all I need is a wife with fish lips and a pair of beach balls for boobs.

    Peej
  • jellyhead 24 Oct 2006 13:48:12 24,350 posts
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    All Mars and No Play makes Spirit a Dull Robot. AlL Mars aNnd No PlAy mAkeA SpiriT a DUll RoBot. aLL Mars ANd No Play MAkes Spirit a Dull Robot. All Mars and No Play makes Spirit a Dull Robot. All Mars and No Play makes Spirit a Dull Robot. All Mars and No Play makes Spirit a Dull Robot. All Mars and No Play makes Spirit a Dull Robot.

    :)
    Got bored doing the case thing.

    Edited by jellyhead at 13:48:49 24-10-2006

    This signature intentionally left blank.

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