The Onion On Form

  • Page

    of 10 First / Last

    Previous
  • Mr_Sleep 22 May 2003 14:35:03 16,922 posts
    Seen 19 minutes ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    My personal favourite is the:

    "Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog"

    theonion.com

    Bird Has Big Plans For Cage
    HENNIKER, NH—Charlie, a Henniker-area cockatiel, announced Tuesday that he has big plans for his new stainless-steel birdcage. "Let's see—I'm gonna hang the bell from the ceiling and put my seed trough on the right wall. And I'm finally gonna get one of those rolling perches, now that I have the room," said Charlie between gulps of sunflower seeds. "And once I put up that full-length mirror, it's really gonna open up this space." Charlie said he also plans to use some of his bird toys to form a partition in the middle of the cage, creating the illusion of two separate rooms.


    LMAO!

    Edited by Mr Sleep at 13:36:22 22-05-2003

    You are a factory of sadness.

  • terminalterror 22 May 2003 15:59:43 18,937 posts
    Seen 3 hours ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    Circus Runaway Not Looking Forward To
    Hometown Show

    SACRAMENTO, CA?Michael MacAlester, who ran away from his native Sacramento at 16 to join the circus, is not looking forward to the Big Top Circus' show this Friday in his hometown. "The idea of getting the hell out of Sacramento and joining a traveling circus was really exciting, but I guess I should've thought to check the schedule," MacAlester, 18, a unicycling clown, said Monday. "I asked the ringmaster if I could possibly sit this one out, but he said no way." MacAlester said he plans to wear extra-heavy make-up in case his parents happen to be in attendance.




    LOL!
  • Khab 22 May 2003 16:37:50 6,576 posts
    Seen 3 weeks ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    Systems Administrator Would So Fuck New Trainee

    TUCSON, AZ—Speaking in confidence to coworker Brian Panos, Barton Financial Group systems administrator Tim Kreutzer revealed Tuesday that, given the chance, he would "so fuck" new office trainee Lisa Hartig, 23. "Tim was staring at Lisa from across the office floor when he dropped the bombshell that he would so fuck her," Panos said. "Obviously, I was stunned. I mean, how often do you come across a balding 51-year-old tech professional who's willing to sleep with a nubile blonde? Wow."


    Running out of articles to qoute, now... :D
  • Razz 22 May 2003 16:43:02 61,000 posts
    Seen 2 minutes ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    Khab wrote:
    Systems Administrator Would So Fuck New Trainee

    TUCSON, AZ—Speaking in confidence to coworker Brian Panos, Barton Financial Group systems administrator Tim Kreutzer revealed Tuesday that, given the chance, he would "so fuck" new office trainee Lisa Hartig, 23. "Tim was staring at Lisa from across the office floor when he dropped the bombshell that he would so fuck her," Panos said. "Obviously, I was stunned. I mean, how often do you come across a balding 51-year-old tech professional who's willing to sleep with a nubile blonde? Wow."


    Running out of articles to qoute, now... :D

    Best One! Har har!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Steam/PSN/XBOX: Razztafarai | 3DS: 1246-9674-8856
    --------------------------------------------------------------------

  • squaylor 14 Dec 2005 10:12:21 3,737 posts
    Seen 1 year ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    Another great Onion article today...


    New video game designed to have no influence on kids' behaviour

    NEW YORK— Electronic-entertainment giant Take-Two Interactive, parent company of Grand Theft Auto series creator Rockstar Games, released Stacker Tuesday, a first-person vertical-crate-arranger guaranteed not to influence young people's behavior in any way.

    To avoid any appearance of suggestive or adult situations, the graphics consist entirely of rectangular polygons rendered in shades of brown against a simulated gray cinderblock wall. The game is free-roaming inside the warehouse environment, meaning that no goals are set for stacking a certain number of boxes, nor is there a time limit for the stacking. The health-level bar remains at a constant peak, and the first-person perspective avoids the problem of players identifying too closely with the main character, whose name is never specified and to whom nothing actually happens.

    "We're just giving kids what their parents say they need," said Take-Two vice president of marketing Allyson Spicer. "In today's economic environment, it's foolish not to listen to the people who dislike everything about our products."



    Link in full - even comes with a screenshot...

    Edited by squaylor at 10:13:46 14-12-2005
  • Murbal 14 Dec 2005 10:14:03 22,045 posts
    Seen 30 minutes ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    That's hilarious!
  • smoothpete 14 Dec 2005 10:36:50 31,461 posts
    Seen 22 minutes ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    Sounds like a Shenmue rip-off to me ;)
  • Clive_Dunn 14 Dec 2005 11:01:20 4,778 posts
    Seen 14 hours ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    It's probably the most appealing of the 360 launch titles.
  • w00t 14 Dec 2005 12:22:16 11,065 posts
    Seen 7 minutes ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    smoothpete wrote:
    Sounds like a Shenmue rip-off to me ;)

    Very good! I now have to ask IT one of my favourite questions due to laughter-induced carnage:

    Is it possible to have too much coffee in your keyboard?

    The day charity died - NEVER FORGET

    (the mic was OK in the end)

  • Flightrisker 22 Dec 2005 13:51:15 18,096 posts
    Seen 2 months ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    Just read this.

    OLD but very good.
  • terminalterror 22 Dec 2005 15:37:31 18,937 posts
    Seen 3 hours ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    Flightrisker wrote:
    Just read this.

    OLD but very good.

    "I mean, would you put up with a row of whirling knives in the cereal aisle at Safeway?" the Double Dragon guy continued. "Of course not. Why, then, should Duke Nukem have to run through a corridor of them to get the health pack he needs need to survive?"

    \o/
  • smoothpete 18 Jan 2006 13:14:30 31,461 posts
    Seen 22 minutes ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    I'm liking the Onion doing more gaming stuff. Here's a new one
  • Ajay 18 Jan 2006 13:25:27 2,412 posts
    Seen 9 months ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    My father devoted a large part of his youth to fighting nameless, faceless enemies in Battlezone," Avers said. "Today, we know that war game was unwinnable, even stupid. But Dad believed in what he was doing. He believed he could eventually reach that volcano in the background if he fought hard enough.

    Excellent.
  • Salaman 18 Jan 2006 14:21:44 18,953 posts
    Seen 20 hours ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    If I go AWOL, I'll have let down not only Dad but all the brave men and women I've met on the gamefaqs.com forum that have come before me."

    LOL .. yeah, we recall them brave men. They stopped by once last year.
    :-)
  • Toonster 20 Jan 2006 02:35:11 6,839 posts
    Seen 1 hour ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    I have 'The Onion' Calendar for 2006. Today, it's a statistics chart with the title, 'How Do We Like Our Cock?'

    10% Hot
    19% Black
    16% Throbbing
    17% Hard, Bi-Curious
    24% Meaty
    14% Pumping

    The Onion definitely does push the envelope, but after all, it is my favorite new source! Do you actually get The Onion newspaper in the UK or do you just check the website?

    Edited by Toonster at 02:53:09 20-01-2006

    3DS: 0361-6951-2609 (Tom)

  • Bunda 20 Jan 2006 02:49:10 5,241 posts
    Seen 1 year ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    Sean Penn Demands To Know What Asshole Took SeanPenn@ gmail.com

    January 17, 2006 | Issue 42•03

    LOS ANGELES—In an impassioned 1,900-word open letter published in Monday's Washington Post, actor-director Sean Penn urged the unknown person who registered the e-mail address SeanPenn@gmail.com to "come forward immediately, rather than wallowing in the shame and ignominy of fraud."

    Enlarge Image
    Sean Penn

    The paid full-page advertisement, addressed to "a certain inconsiderate asshole," continued: "Every American—indeed, every human being, regardless of nationality—deserves to be rightfully and accurately represented on the World Wide Web—the communication gateway into the next century and beyond—without having to resort to nonsensical aliases with random strings of numbers tacked onto the end. In an era of global wireless technology, our very identities are at stake. It's highly unethical at best, criminal at worst, for others to wantonly abscond with them."

    Penn recounted in the letter how he had waited for an invitation to Google's e-mail service for a year and a half before receiving one earlier this month. According to Penn, when he tried to establish an account, he received a message indicating that his desired user name, SeanPenn, had already been registered.

    "Sir or madam, if only you could have seen the anger and revulsion that washed over my face as I found that SeanPenn@gmail.com, Penn@gmail.com, SPenn@gmail.com, Penn.Sean@gmail.com, and SeanPennRules@gmail.com had all been taken," Penn's letter read. "If only you could have felt my heart leap to my throat upon realizing that Seanpenn@gmail.com would not work either, as Gmail addresses are not case-senstitive. If only you could have heard my cry of anguish when, in a last, desperate move, I typed in Spicoli@gmail.com, only to be rejected once more and finally forced to accept the abomination that is Sean.Penn20061@gmail.com."

    Continued Penn, "It's a sad, sad day for the individual's right to self-determination and self-expression, let alone for the movie directors, journalists, and diplomats who will not be able to easily remember—or even recognize—my e-mail address."

    Penn said he also tried SeanPenn81760@gmail.com, ShawnPenn@gmail.com, and SeanPennActor@gmail.com.

    This was not the first time Penn has expressed anger over the difficulty of obtaining a Sean Penn-specific e-mail address. He made headlines last year when he refused to appear on the set of Columbia Pictures' All The King's Men for two days after he learned that SPenn@sonypictures.com had been taken by video assist operator Steve Penn.

    Penn admitted that the painful experience of not being able to communicate freely through e-mail had its upside.

    "Oh, certainly, I identify more strongly with the poor, war-battered youth of the Middle East."

    Penn ended his statement by reiterating his demand that the SeanPenn user-name holder reveal his identity, assuring him that he will not retaliate with punitive measures or even ask that the e-mail address be relinquished. Instead, Penn invited the perpetrator to accompany him to Iraq, to "learn a hard, real-life lesson about the devastation wreaked by false pretense, gross injustice, and misapplication of power."
  • Flightrisker 20 Jan 2006 03:14:56 18,096 posts
    Seen 2 months ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    LOLzzzzz

    Sean Penn one is class!
  • Chris_C 20 Jan 2006 04:28:56 457 posts
    Seen 2 years ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    This is still the best gaming related Onion ever in my mind - the ghost of christmas future.
  • smoothpete 1 Mar 2006 12:15:34 31,461 posts
    Seen 22 minutes ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    C'd & P'd from this week's. Made me chuckle

    Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus?

    By Marian Byers
    February 28, 2006 | Issue 42•09

    People often ask me when they should teach the Good News to their housecats. I have but one answer: "What are you waiting for?"

    A pet is a beloved part of your family, and as a Christian, you should do everything you can to guarantee that this valued member of your family receives the glorious eternal reward for which Christ gave His very life. Think of the alternative: your cat mired in darkness for eternity because you put off a 10-minute conversation.

    My own cats accepted Jesus into their hearts before they even opened their eyes. The light of salvation has brightened their lives, but perhaps the most noticeable change has been in me. I am filled with warmth knowing their eternal souls have been saved.

    Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout into evil. That's why you must fill their hearts with Jesus instead. If you wait, your cats might find seductive role models among the back-alley strays and rough felines from the wrong side of town. You could also end up with an unwanted pregnancy.

    That's why it's so very, very important to tell your cats about the life, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus as early as possible. The Nicene Creed is a good place to start: Recite it to them when they are about 10 weeks old.

    Remember: If you give a cat a fish, it eats for a day. If you teach a cat to fish, it eats for a lifetime. Perhaps that's not such a good proverb to use in this case, since fishing is actually instinctual in cats. But Jesus is not. Your kitties need to know early on that there is a fisher of men and cats alike who can save their souls.

    A lot of people say, "Oh, but Whiskers doesn't even answer to his name yet." They raise a good point: Sometimes you have to teach your cat at its own level. If you give your cat a rubber Jesus to play with, it will sense that there's more to this toy. If you give it a scratching cross, it will contemplate Christ's love and ultimate sacrifice while it stretches and sharpens its claws. I myself have put an image of Jesus at the bottom of my cats' food bowls. That way, when they finish their food, the face of He who provided it is revealed unto them.

    Teaching your cats the Gospel of Christ isn't just important for their eternal souls, it is also the only way to ensure that they know an eternity of damnation awaits them if they scratch your favorite chair. Before they cough up a hairball on the rug or leave a dead mouse on the doorstep, they'll know—without being scolded—that they had better watch it, as a Final Judgment awaits at the hands of the Lord.

    Of course, once your cat has accepted the Lord in its heart, it's ready to be baptized. The righteous cat is one that is born again in the eyes of the Lord. People think that baptism is a rite that requires a fancy baptismal font and a preacher, but that's simply not true. Just fill your bathtub with water, say a little invocation over it, ask your cat if it rejects Satan and all his evil, and then dunk it. Make sure it is fully immersed, in accordance with Scripture.

    So now, all you have to do is choose your cat's baptismal name. My cats' birth names were Meowser, Fluff, and Mr. Boots, but their baptismal names are Ezekiel, Caleb, and Mr. Paws.

    Remember, a cat may have nine lives, but it only has one eternal soul. We all must one day appear before the Holy Seat Of Judgment, and although my Oliver and Lady Twinkles passed on long ago from this vale of tears, I take solace in the knowledge that, when the time comes for me to receive the ecstasies of Heaven, all of my housecats will be waiting to spend eternity on my lap.

    And don't get your cats vaccinated, either. The Lord will provide protection from feline leukemia
  • Merlinho 1 Mar 2006 12:18:50 5,909 posts
    Seen 13 minutes ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    Remember: If you give a cat a fish, it eats for a day. If you teach a cat to fish, it eats for a lifetime.

    genuine lol
  • Bill-Gates-is-Evil 1 Mar 2006 13:04:23 8,934 posts
    Seen 5 months ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    the "Stacker" photos look like adapted Goldeneye 64 screens... I know that game from anywhere.
  • smoothpete 22 Mar 2006 11:14:07 31,461 posts
    Seen 22 minutes ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    Another good one, this is so wrong but did make me chuckle.
  • jellyhead 22 Mar 2006 11:28:03 24,350 posts
    Seen 1 year ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    Merlinho wrote:
    Remember: If you give a cat a fish, it eats for a day. If you teach a cat to fish, it eats for a lifetime.
    genuine lol
    My fave is:
    If you build a man a fire, he is warm for a day. If you set a man on fire, he is warm for a lifetime.

    This signature intentionally left blank.

  • Deleted user 22 March 2006 11:29:15
    The best bar none.
  • terminalterror 22 Mar 2006 11:37:23 18,937 posts
    Seen 3 hours ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    This part of smoothpete's post had me in stitches:

    A lot of people say, "Oh, but Whiskers doesn't even answer to his name yet." They raise a good point: Sometimes you have to teach your cat at its own level. If you give your cat a rubber Jesus to play with, it will sense that there's more to this toy. If you give it a scratching cross, it will contemplate Christ's love and ultimate sacrifice while it stretches and sharpens its claws. I myself have put an image of Jesus at the bottom of my cats' food bowls. That way, when they finish their food, the face of He who provided it is revealed unto them.


    Rubber Jesus ftw!
  • terminalterror 22 Mar 2006 11:39:19 18,937 posts
    Seen 3 hours ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    smoothpete wrote:
    Another good one, this is so wrong but did make me chuckle.

    Indeed, on both counts :)
  • terminalterror 22 Mar 2006 11:45:16 18,937 posts
    Seen 3 hours ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    boabg wrote:
    The best bar none.

    That one is fantastic!

    However, the greatest Onion story of all time has to be:

    Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes

    REDMOND, WA—In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.


    With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones—the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs—unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.

    "Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."

    A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.

    "While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."

    "If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."

    As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.

    Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft.

    "We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers."

    Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world."

    According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized.

    "Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."

    Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week.

    Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling.

    In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind.

    "Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes."
  • Deleted user 22 March 2006 11:46:15
    I remember that one too, a classic :)
  • squaylor 22 Mar 2006 11:53:13 3,737 posts
    Seen 1 year ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    From today's edition...

    Franz Ferdinand Frontman Shot By Gavrilo Princip Bassist

    March 17, 2006 | Issue 42•12

    GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—Lead singer and guitarist for pop band Franz Ferdinand, Alexander Kapranos, is in critical condition today after being shot by a man identified as the bassist for rock group Gavrilo Princip. "We ask fans to cooperate with Interpol to find the assailant, and call upon British Sea Power, Snow Patrol, and The Postal Service for help," drummer Paul Thompson told music magazine NME Monday. "The suspect had links to The Decemberists and The Libertines, and we are following up on all leads." It is unclear whether the shooting was linked to The Polyphonic Spree's invasion of Belgium earlier this week.

  • reality_cheque 22 Mar 2006 12:20:33 7,487 posts
    Seen 4 years ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    smoothpete wrote:
    Remember, a cat may have nine lives, but it only has one eternal soul.
    Amen, brother.
  • Page

    of 10 First / Last

    Previous
Log in or register to reply