"I've just guffed" confession thread Page 2

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  • quadfather 25 Oct 2013 15:37:27 13,428 posts
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    PeacockDreams wrote:
    I recently farted in a customers house. Not realising they were in the same room as me. Awkward.

    I don't know what horrified them more. The fact I would fart loudly in there presence or the fact that when I did fart (not knowing they were there) I laughed to myself and said 'Whammy' a la Champ Kind from Anchorman
    This made me laugh out loud

    psn quaddy456, Dark Souls tips

  • Vortex808 25 Oct 2013 15:46:01 7,599 posts
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    If we're dredging up history then I shall add this from when the missus and I had been dating for a short while:

    After a large meal, a few drinks etc we had been romancing and I was now suffering quite badly from trapped wind. Being early in the relationship I had been careful to not fart in her presence.

    I made my excuses after an appropriate period of post-coital cuddling and scuttled to the toilet to try and quietly release the noxious gases. Unfortunately for me, they had other ideas and her one bed roomed flat had a very echoey toilet. I thundered away with the walls reverberating while shaking and being unable to breathe with mortified laughter. Which only served to push the farts out more loudly and in a rather staccato fashion.

    Somehow we are still together....
  • smoothpete 25 Oct 2013 16:03:35 31,839 posts
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    Couples who fart together stay together, unless you give her a dutch oven in which case expect to be chucked.
  • Phil-McCrack 25 Oct 2013 16:09:49 3,423 posts
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    I have the ability to get revenge on colleagues if they piss me off or take the piss, I'm lactose intolerant but the side effects of mine are that I do really really bad guffs, like they have spawned from hell, so If I'm inclined all I do is down a pint of milk the night before and the next day justice ensues.

    Danny MacAskill gives me a boner
    Formerly OptimusPube

  • nickthegun 25 Oct 2013 16:11:33 61,358 posts
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    smoothpete wrote:
    Couples who fart together stay together, unless you give her a dutch oven in which case expect to be chucked.
    a year or so ago, my daughter managed to dutch oven herself. She guffed as I was tucking her in and then, for some reason, decided to pull the duvet up over her head.

    I lold

    ---------------------------------------------------------
    My man gives real loving that's why I call him Killer
    He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller

  • Mr_Sleep 25 Oct 2013 16:16:34 17,401 posts
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    My absolute favourite guffs are the ones when I get off a train and for the next 100 yards all that stored up gas comes out, I'm a fast walker so I dodge past all the people leaving a guff at every jink in my stead. It's a wonderful thing and always cheered me up after a long day of work.

    You are a factory of sadness.

  • Phil-McCrack 25 Oct 2013 16:17:45 3,423 posts
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    I have belly laughed at every single comment in this thread, thanks guys for your brilliant story telling and humour, I love this forum. :lol:

    Danny MacAskill gives me a boner
    Formerly OptimusPube

  • DrStrangelove 25 Oct 2013 16:35:12 4,683 posts
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    The main reason I drink beer and apple wine is that it boosts my aerial performance. There's little I love more than impressing my friends/colleagues.

    Although once in a while it's actually very enjoyable for them instead of myself, when I'm overdoing it and during the performance realise that there wasn't only gas down there.

    One reason to avoid apple wine, actually.

    Edited by DrStrangelove at 16:38:03 25-10-2013
  • Tryhard 25 Oct 2013 16:47:02 4,302 posts
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    The best place to drop them is at a Supermarket till queue.
  • neilka 25 Oct 2013 16:49:04 16,570 posts
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    Careful not to end up with an unexpected item in your bagging area.

    BAAANG!!!!! EXPLOTION!!!!!

  • whatfruit 25 Oct 2013 16:51:04 1,694 posts
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    I just dropped a big wet one in the office. I was laughing.

    Now i'm worried I may have followed through.

    bobomb wrote:
    so it's not really on her terms, it's on his terms, because she isn't real.

  • Tryhard 25 Oct 2013 16:54:56 4,302 posts
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    Heading off to Morrisons now,after eating high fibre brown toast. ;)
  • phycus 25 Oct 2013 16:59:30 298 posts
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    @Mr_Sleep

    Used to do that in the office when walking past mates, we used to call it crop dusting.... Takes a bit of skill to do it silently and without follow through.
  • malloc 25 Oct 2013 17:17:59 2,392 posts
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    phycus wrote:
    @Mr_Sleep

    Used to do that in the office when walking past mates, we used to call it crop dusting.... Takes a bit of skill to do it silently and without follow through.
    Is skill really the right word?
  • Oh-Bollox 25 Oct 2013 17:23:57 5,440 posts
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    My beer farts at training on Saturday mornings are hideous. It's like all the alcohol has killed everything inside me, and I'm farting the ghosts of my gut flora, even as they struggle around inside me, undead. The stink of rot and decay, stewed filth and brewed ming.
  • SolidSCB 25 Oct 2013 17:28:05 7,438 posts
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    Just the other day I was sat in the office the day after a night out and my stomach was going ten to the dozen. I did my best to hold it in, but the beast was unleashed when someone made me laugh and my arse began convulsing of it's own accord. Luckily they were silent, and I thought I'd got away with it until the most putrid, hot stench engulfed the room. A proper beer fart.
  • quadfather 25 Oct 2013 19:19:56 13,428 posts
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    I'm in possibly the foulest mood ever and this thread is completely delivering

    psn quaddy456, Dark Souls tips

  • Grax 25 Oct 2013 19:21:19 2,296 posts
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    Does anyone else find it smells worse in the shower??
  • quadfather 25 Oct 2013 19:23:36 13,428 posts
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    Its worse in the bath I find

    psn quaddy456, Dark Souls tips

  • SparkyMarky81 25 Oct 2013 19:39:51 567 posts
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    Whilst working at popular theme park in the south east of England during my teens, I was tasked with manning a small children's play area.

    Whilst a couple of toddlers gleefully frolicked on the soft-play equipment, I was busy unleashing a fart equivalent to the breath of Satan himself. The mother of one of the kids, who was stood nearby, caught whiff of this nasty, evil fart and before I could apologise for my abuse of her nostrils, grabbed her kid from the play area. "Smells like someone needs a nappy change" she said, sniffing her kids arse before carrying the poor little blighter away.

    Although I was mortified, and felt a little sorry for the kid, I nearly pissed myself laughing.
  • Punctum 25 Oct 2013 20:33:02 1,045 posts
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    Oh-Bollox wrote:
    My beer farts at training on Saturday mornings are hideous. It's like all the alcohol has killed everything inside me, and I'm farting the ghosts of my gut flora, even as they struggle around inside me, undead. The stink of rot and decay, stewed filth and brewed ming.
    Post of the year
  • welshben23 25 Oct 2013 20:47:48 1,107 posts
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    OptimusPube wrote:
    I have belly laughed at every single comment in this thread, thanks guys for your brilliant story telling and humour, I love this forum. :lol:
    I've got tears in my eyes and my head is hurting because I laughed so much at this thread. :lol:
  • prawnking1980 25 Oct 2013 21:06:46 5,280 posts
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    The one that always stands out, me and a friend were slightly stoned and drunk, we were invited round to another friends place to meet his parents.

    We talked there all the way saying to each other be cool, don't embarrass our friend or ourselves.

    We get there sat on a laminate flooring being very polite best behaviour etc. All of a sudden I need to fart I try easing it out, no joy boom reverb of the floor loud as you like.

    We quickly made our excuses and left and laughed out nuts off all the way home. The funniest part was my friend apologised and the parents thought it was him.

    Edited by cheeky_prawnking at 21:58:55 25-10-2013
  • PeacockDreams 25 Oct 2013 21:43:42 202 posts
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    Well, after my earlier self confession, I came back to read some more and I am genuinely belly laughing! There is something about farting, and farting in public, farting and not admitting it, real bad repugnant farts, that just really are the funniest things ever!!

    Reminds me of somebody once saying "Farts are the ghosts of the food you eat"

    A beautiful sentiment, I'm sure you'll all agree
  • Thorbz 25 Oct 2013 21:56:17 8 posts
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    Any of you ever farted, bare-arsed, on a lino floor and frightened a cat ? Just me then. Also, any homebrewers amongst you lot ? The guffs produced by a green wheat beer are something else.
  • localnotail 25 Oct 2013 22:13:50 23,093 posts
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    I miss working in an office and trying to see if I can make a fart last all the way down the stairs, one guff at a time.

    A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

  • PhoenixFlames 25 Oct 2013 22:19:39 9,233 posts
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    I'm surprised to hear that people would fart in an office. It's a professional environment full of acquaintances / colleagues. I would be hugely embarrassed if I let one out either loud or silent but violent.

    PSN - phoenix1flames

  • localnotail 25 Oct 2013 22:23:57 23,093 posts
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    That's why you do them on the stairs.

    A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

  • PhoenixFlames 25 Oct 2013 22:25:01 9,233 posts
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    localnotail wrote:
    That's why you do them on the stairs.
    Risky.

    PSN - phoenix1flames

  • localnotail 25 Oct 2013 22:50:42 23,093 posts
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    A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

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