Marriage Page 3

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  • freddymercurystwin 8 Jul 2013 11:07:47 496 posts
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    I met my wife 15 years ago, I knew she always wanted to get married. Eventually after 13 years I just could not justify not marrying, we had a kid by then and had set up home long before. Was married within 3 weeks at the next available Saturday slot in the reg office! My point being that whilst I may have left it a bit too long (she was getting getting really pissy) , I would not be marrying after 2 years together (IMO).
  • nickthegun 8 Jul 2013 11:10:33 60,999 posts
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    Load_2.0 wrote:
    Very few people like to admit their relationship is anything other than perfect.
    I dont think thats really true. I think most people know how fucked up they are, they just make the best of it.

    My relationship with my wife is by no means perfect, but its the best one Ive ever had and is worth the work it takes to get over the bad stuff so we can get on with the good bits.

    ---------------------------------------------------------
    My man gives real loving that's why I call him Killer
    He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller

  • Tryhard 8 Jul 2013 11:11:55 4,207 posts
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    Load_2.0 wrote:
    It seems super convenient that everyone's perfect person just happened to live near them, work with them, go to the same pub/gym/club/uni/school.
    Don't shit on anyone's dream you sour puss.

    All I can say the women I went out with were like putting a square block through a round hole.(Not in a sexual way you perverts :-P).

    Then bingo, I met my wife and she knew how to check all the boxes and click all the buttons in everything.It was like I had no control of rational thought anymore.And laying next to her cuddling, was like floating in the clouds.

    And this coming from what was then a cold-hearted bastard.
  • Saucy 8 Jul 2013 11:23:04 2,611 posts
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    Dougs wrote:
    But yeah, I think the OP nailed it. (Most) Women grow up dreaming of their wedding say, and are conditioned to some extent. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and give in imo!
    Pretty much sums up my thoughts. I’ve got no great desire to be married, but I’ve been with my girlfriend for 7 years, we're happy and I’m committed (we’ve got a mortgage lasting until 2041!). Marriage is something she really wants, it doesn't change anything, so why would I deny her?
  • von_Doll 8 Jul 2013 11:25:22 2,114 posts
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    I've been with my other half for six years. Living together for five,  engaged for four. We have two dogs,  have moved across the country and back,  been through death and sickness in our families and I can't imagine being with anyone else.

    But I'm not entirely convinced it'll last. In fact, I'm fairly convinced it won't. After a lot of talk of dates and venues and getting relatives together,  talk of marriage dried up over a year ago. She's changed,  I've changed. We fight far too often over silly things. Don't think either of us are convinced it'll go the distance. Never actually broken up,  but I've had my bags packed on several occasions. I love her more than anything,  or at least I love the memory of how I used to see her,  how she used to be.

    I don't stay because it's comfortable (believe me,  it isn't always)  or I'm lazy (I'm not)  or insecure (ha),  but because I cling on to the hope that it'll one day come right. We'll both realise the mistakes we've been in the habit of making and come to our senses. Start valuing each other again. Stop taking each other for granted and fall in love all over again.

    But it might not come.  And if there comes a time where we go our separate ways after years of love and fights and heartache my first thought as I'm walking out the door will be "thank fuck we never got married".
  • evilashchris 8 Jul 2013 11:27:10 7,110 posts
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    I spent my wifes wedding dress money on an N64.

    Luckily she understood. It may have helped I let her have the bottle of wine I got for being first in the queue.

    Twitter: @COToole

  • chopsen 8 Jul 2013 11:27:12 16,201 posts
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    Load_2.0 wrote:
    I don't really believe in marriage, I think most people grow apart over time but are so comfortable with the monotony of their lives and the thought of seperating is just too daunting (especially after 50) that people stay together.
    That's probably not untrue. And that doesn't make it a bad thing.

    People value companionship, but you're unlikely to find a perfect match. The thing is that most people manage to compromise.

    People who are on their 3rd marriage or whatever. The problem there isn't marriage or the nature of relationships. It's them.
  • Deleted user 8 July 2013 11:32:05
    kalel wrote:
    I think "the one" thing is perhaps not used quite as literally as you might think. Most of us just use it as a shorthand for "the one that's so good that I'm prepared to take the gamble on a lifetime commitment even though there's probably better suited people out there for me but the odds are that they're a Chinese peasant and I'm unlikely to ever meet them".
    This. I feel I've found 'the one' (urgh) to the extent that I love her like crazy. Feel I need to look after her, make her life as good as I can, etc. And above all else, I just can't picture myself with anyone else and that fact makes me happy.
  • Salaman 8 Jul 2013 11:35:46 19,453 posts
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    meme wrote:
    Of course, you could do what a load of people I know have done and get engaged but then never actually set a date. Known someone who's been "engaged" for about eight years now. I suspect it's similar(ish) to your situation, in that they've got engaged to satisfy the broad social scheme of things (in that people in general seem to take you more seriously as a couple if you're engaged or married), rather than any desire to do so themselves.
    If you hate that "the symbol is held above the thing it's meant to represent." there's another solution. A couple I know had decided they wanted to get married at some point but hated the whole "big deal" of a proper wedding ceremony and the works.

    Whilst they were on vacation, they secretly got married. Just the two of them, no family, no friends. They wanted it to be something they did for themselves. They told everyone they were engaged.
    They eventually got married "officially" as well. Just to satisfy their families really but to them it was a fun and relaxing day.
    They'd been secretly married ofr 2 or 3 years at that point, so rather than a stressful day that "has to be perfect" they treated it as a fun day with a big party at the end. And standing there in front of everyone with a shared secret was extra fun for them.

    I thought it was a novel yet smart way of going about it.

    I should probably point out that I read the OP and first 4 or 5 replies. I'm aware the thread may have moved on to a number of different topics unrelated to the OP.
  • sport 8 Jul 2013 11:38:09 12,798 posts
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    Don't like marriage? Get married twice ;-p
  • Trafford 8 Jul 2013 11:52:29 5,928 posts
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    Chopsen wrote:
    Load_2.0 wrote:
    I don't really believe in marriage, I think most people grow apart over time but are so comfortable with the monotony of their lives and the thought of seperating is just too daunting (especially after 50) that people stay together.
    That's probably not untrue. And that doesn't make it a bad thing.

    People value companionship, but you're unlikely to find a perfect match. The thing is that most people manage to compromise.

    People who are on their 3rd marriage or whatever. The problem there isn't marriage or the nature of relationships. It's them.

    I heard on the radio there was a marked increase in divorce in the over 50's.
    Factors like living longer and more wealth contributing.
    Hell, Roy Hattersley just got divorced at 80 after 57 years of marriage
  • chopsen 8 Jul 2013 12:15:38 16,201 posts
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    Trafford wrote:
    I heard on the radio there was a marked increase in divorce in the over 50's.
    Factors like living longer and more wealth contributing.
    Hell, Roy Hattersley just got divorced at 80 after 57 years of marriage
    That's interesting.

    See I think that's odd. By the time you're that age, you're going to be even more idiosyncratic and stuck in your ways, so you're really not likely to find someone to share your life with unless you really compromise. And if you're just divorcing because you decide you can't stick it, that is probably not going to be a strong point for you.

    Hattersley excepted, who is an outlier, this is really talking about the babyboomers, who are a selfish bunch and don't have a fantastic reputaiton. So maybe it's not that big a surprise.
  • kalel 8 Jul 2013 12:22:46 89,194 posts
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    Was it Dennis Hopper who got divorced on his deathbed? Said he wanted to die happy.
  • Load_2.0 8 Jul 2013 13:33:57 19,507 posts
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    Chopsen wrote:
    Trafford wrote:
    I heard on the radio there was a marked increase in divorce in the over 50's.
    Factors like living longer and more wealth contributing.
    Hell, Roy Hattersley just got divorced at 80 after 57 years of marriage
    That's interesting.

    See I think that's odd. By the time you're that age, you're going to be even more idiosyncratic and stuck in your ways, so you're really not likely to find someone to share your life with unless you really compromise. And if you're just divorcing because you decide you can't stick it, that is probably not going to be a strong point for you.

    Hattersley excepted, who is an outlier, this is really talking about the babyboomers, who are a selfish bunch and don't have a fantastic reputaiton. So maybe it's not that big a surprise.
    I agree with the first paragraph but so much has changed over the past few decades. I think that when our 20/30 yr old generation gets to that 50-60 yr old bracket divorces will have sky-rocketed even further.

    People are far more active, physically and socially. Once the kids have left, you are still working, fit and healthy and out meeting new people. Add to the mix the change in attitude towards marriage and sex, media messages, facebook, twitter, dating sites.

    Getting it on when you are older is now easier and more acceptable than ever.
  • kalel 8 Jul 2013 13:44:47 89,194 posts
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    The fact that I enjoy "getting it on" with my wife is becoming more and more of a pleasant incidental than a driving force the older I get. Much more significant is the fact that she's my best friend, and it's that part of the relationship that enriches and deepens over time.

    And for me that has to be the basis of any successful marriage. If it isn't then yes, it could well all fall apart later in life, but personally I struggle to see myself wanting my closest friend out my life when I'm old. I'm actually really looking forward to spending more time with her tbh.

    /corny
  • Shikasama 8 Jul 2013 13:48:36 7,077 posts
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    A lot of you are starting to sound like benders.

    These are 15th pint conversations, not while you are supposed to be working conversations!
  • Tonka 8 Jul 2013 13:50:09 21,146 posts
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    But you don't need to be married to do that.

    I think it's fine that some people don't marry. But I can't take them seriously.
    "Heeelllooo, I'm 35+ and have a girlfriend. When I turn fifty I might wanna run off with that intern in accounting and not marrying my GF makes that SO MUCH EASIER lol."

    is what it sounds like to me.

    If you can read this you really need to fiddle with your forum settings.

  • Petulant_Radish 8 Jul 2013 14:03:30 632 posts
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    I'm married and so's my wife.
  • Deleted user 8 July 2013 15:04:52
    @Ultrasoundwave Funny that.

    Who's right, who's wrong?
    A girl at work is in that dilemma, all her mates are getting married / having kids and I always tell her there's no right or wrong way to live your life (I'm super deep, me). But yeah, Facebook defiantly doesn't help, especially when most people post the most mundane shite on there.

    My stories fairly similar to yourself. We got engaged after 6 years of being together (2 years living together) and we're pretty solid, very compatible. I'm the most laid back character I know so was in no rush to get married, but we did at the end of May and it's by far the best thing I've ever done. All our family and friends get on even if they don't see each other as much as the would hope, but seeing everyone have such a great day, everyone so happy, best mates crying with happiness, on a beautiful day like it has been this weekend, it was easily the best day of my life.

    I wanted to get married because I knew my now Wife was the woman I want to spend my life with, I believe in monogamy and my Grandparents, Parents and nearly all of my family have been with and stayed together all their lives. Now being married, not much has changed, there hasn't been mad passionate honeymoon period sex (although it has been very deep ((lulz))), we haven't changed personalities as Hubby and Wife. But I do feel closer to her as a result and somehow my love for her feels (there's that word again) deeper. It's great, it really is.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with 'just being', just as much as I don't think there's any problem with people wanted to get married. I see it as a celebration of two people that love each other and that want to share a day with their families. You can get hung up on the 'legality' of it all, but just live man. Do what you want to do and not what you have to do.

    Edited by feeg86 at 15:30:21 08-07-2013

    Edited by feeg86 at 15:32:08 08-07-2013
  • chopsen 8 Jul 2013 15:14:07 16,201 posts
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    Yeah, what kalel said. Agreed you don't have to be married to do that, but if you're going to anyway, why not?

    And
    Load_2.0 wrote:
    Getting it on when you are older is now easier and more acceptable than ever.
    Aye, I know. But I just could not arsed with the façade of the whole thing. It's not social and technological limitations that have stopped me being gregarious. It's the amount of effort involved. You are inevitably dealing with a smaller pool of people to draw from as you get older, and people are more...er...unique as they get older. I include myself in this.
  • kalel 8 Jul 2013 15:21:05 89,194 posts
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    I don't think you have to be married to do what I said either. I was just talking generally about lifelong commitment to someone.

    That said, there's something about making a formal commitment that does somehow asset the permanence of it. Probably totally psychological (the legal side doesn't really mean anything to me) but it's nevertheless something that makes a difference.
  • malloc 8 Jul 2013 17:45:53 2,372 posts
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    I'm very recently married myself and am loving being married. For us though it was the start if living together as we hadn't up until the wedding. Going through the fun and games if sorting out the wedding, meeting the extended family and friends made the wedding a great experience. Can genuinely say it was one of not the most happy days of my life. Being married is great, there's something quite secure and even scary about being married, its not just a relationship that can come and go but a lifelong publically made commitment that were trying to work on everyday.
  • Deleted user 8 July 2013 19:12:50
    Load_2.0 wrote:
    The "one perfect person" might live 10,000 miles away, already be married or have been killed by a faling piano. The reality is there are thousands of people out there who would be better for you than the person you are married to, you simply did not meet them.

    It seems super convenient that everyone's perfect person just happened to live near them, work with them, go to the same pub/gym/club/uni/school.
    Mine was 4,860 miles, give or take a few.

    That being said, we got married very quickly for visa reasons. Had that not been a factor we would have probably been engaged longer. But it still worked out amazingly with no regrets, so it's much of a muchness.
  • RedSparrows 8 Jul 2013 19:29:13 23,855 posts
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    My gf views marriage with as much enthusiasm as me, i.e wha? That's for old people!

    Which is why I am with her.
  • RedSparrows 8 Jul 2013 19:33:17 23,855 posts
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    But i do want to get married, because it 'd be an amazing party.
  • Ziz0u 15 Nov 2013 08:20:41 8,559 posts
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    Together for 6 years, a couple of bumps but we are happier than we have ever been.

    Planning on popping the question over the holidays.

    A quick question (survey) for the married/engaged men on here. Did your wife/fiance have a hand in the design of the ring? My girl wants it to be a surprise... and I have no idea what I'm doing. I have her friends on board so I'm sure it will work out, it just seems wrong to have the opportunity to stuff this up by making an ugly ring.
  • Deckard1 15 Nov 2013 08:33:11 29,134 posts
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    Just buy her something with a diamonds on. I'm also getting to the point where I'm going to have to ask (as she never fucking shuts up about it) - Argos have some corkers for under 30 quid.

    Fish fingers and chips pretty straight forward.

  • MrTomFTW Moderator 15 Nov 2013 08:34:50 39,304 posts
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    I didn't have a ring when I proposed as I was so nervous about picking out an ugly one (since I clearly have no taste), she didn't care and we went and chose one together.

    Follow me on Twitter: @MrTom
    Voted by the community "Best mod" 2011, 2012 and 2013.

  • Ziz0u 15 Nov 2013 08:43:12 8,559 posts
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    That's what I was hoping for. Ya know, to look at them together beforehand so I at least have a general idea. I'll try my best but she has to meet me halfway if I really struggle. She is a fashion designer so aesthetics are important to her which makes it even more difficult.
  • Deckard1 15 Nov 2013 08:46:10 29,134 posts
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    If she loves you, she'll like whatever you get her as long as you pick it with your heart.



    Oh god, I promised myself I wouldn't cry today

    Fish fingers and chips pretty straight forward.

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