So who fancies tearing apart my Uni apllication personal statement?

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  • onestepfromlost 28 Nov 2012 17:10:23 2,045 posts
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    Ok so im sending my UCAS form off on friday so just though id see what anyone thought to critque mt personal statement. I know im opening myself up for all sorts of shite, but i can accept that. Ok so applying for Law at the major Scottish universities. Wall of text incoming!


    With legislation constantly evolving, the legal profession in all of its aspects will need adaptable forward thinking individuals to ensure these changes are relevant and beneficial. I believe that with the pursuit of the right educational avenue I could be one of these individuals.
    My interest in law stemmed from an early realisation of how it is involved in practically every aspect of our society. In my working life I have spent most of it in the licensing trade which has given me constant exposure to that aspect of the law. This has on occasion exposed me to the criminal side of the law, having had to deal with the Police on a regular basis and appearing as a witness in several cases of drugs and violence. While this experience would have possibly put off some people it only served to increase my interest in the law and its inner workings.

    My Studies over the last two years on the HND Legal Services has served to whet my appetite for a greater knowledge in the field. I have gained a clear understanding of the subjects we have been taught and have enjoyed all areas that have been covered. During my studies my interest has been captured by company law and I am considering it to be my route of specialisation. I have found the HND course has been helpful in readjusting to a scholastic environment after such a long gap in education. . I was disappointed to not have achieved the grades in High school to directly study law at university. I feel on reflection this was due to the lack of a support system in place for my additional support needs at the time. This combined with my thirst for bettering myself has given me the drive to pursue my original academic goals which I feel I hadnt fully pursued in the past

    For the last year I have also been volunteering as the administration assistant for the charity Fibromyalgia Friends Scotland, as well as assisting the secretary in their duties. This has helped refine my organisation and planning skills through organising and helping in the running of events and raising awareness. It has also allowed me to practise my research skills in gathering and collating new information about the condition and treatments for it.

    I believe that experience has allowed me to accumulate important life skills which would benefit me in my pursuit of a degree. I have a high level of analytical and problem solving skills and have developed excellent time management skills which have been illustrated the past year and a half. These have been utilising in splitting my time between college, a twenty plus hour part time job and managing my family and social life as well. I have held management and supervisory positions in most of my jobs which has contributed to my organisation and interpersonal abilities.

    With my experience, skills and education I feel that I am an Individual who can meet and overcome the challenges that a degree in law will provide.

    Edited by onestepfromlost at 18:15:36 29-11-2012

    Edited by onestepfromlost at 18:19:44 29-11-2012

    Edited by onestepfromlost at 18:21:09 29-11-2012

    Edited by onestepfromlost at 18:21:55 29-11-2012

    Edited by onestepfromlost at 18:23:31 29-11-2012

    Edited by onestepfromlost at 18:24:47 29-11-2012

    Edited by onestepfromlost at 19:11:13 29-11-2012

    Edited by onestepfromlost at 19:11:30 29-11-2012
  • mrpon 28 Nov 2012 17:15:25 28,756 posts
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    You lost me at "apllication"

    Give yourself 5 or gig, you're worth it.

  • onestepfromlost 28 Nov 2012 17:16:06 2,045 posts
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    Well i bloody asked for that didn't I?
  • DaM 28 Nov 2012 17:18:04 12,991 posts
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    Friday.
  • Inertia 28 Nov 2012 17:21:02 677 posts
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    Try structuring your thoughts in something approaching the speech patterns of English. What you just wrote was gibberish and if it said anything it said you like the sound of your own voice. So two factors that indicate you are well suited to the legal profession.

    Seriously read through what you wrote. It has very poor grammar.
  • Fake_Blood 28 Nov 2012 17:21:39 4,169 posts
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    I have been interest has been captured by company law and ...
  • Moot_Point 28 Nov 2012 17:25:04 3,983 posts
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    onestepfromlost wrote:
    Well i bloody asked for that didn't I?
    Oh c'mon, you're on EG! :D

    ================================================================================

    mowgli wrote: I thought the 1 married the .2 and founded Islam?

  • DaM 28 Nov 2012 17:25:32 12,991 posts
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    I think your appetite is whetted. I would give it a good read through, I would rewrite lots of it (sorry!). Phrases like "I have managed to grasp the concepts we have been taught" I would write as "I have grasped the subjects taught". It does sound like you are trying to reach a word limit :)
  • smoothpete 28 Nov 2012 17:26:52 31,495 posts
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    Remove this : "I have suffered from ADHD from a young age which created many difficulties in education until my teens, but no longer affects my day to day life. Also I have recently been diagnosed with dysgraphia, which was a problem in high school due to having the knowledge and ability but my written answers being illegible led to lower grades. Thankfully, now with the support from the college these problems have been well addressed and no longer are the barrier to learning they were in the past. "
  • oldschoolsoviet 28 Nov 2012 17:27:45 5,460 posts
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    ...scholastic environment after such a long gap in education.
    Doesn't show tbh.
  • onestepfromlost 28 Nov 2012 17:28:29 2,045 posts
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    yeah on reading back the grammar does need worked on in a few areas. Just as well it's only a first draft. Shouldn't probably work on this after only 4 hours sleep :p
  • smoothpete 28 Nov 2012 17:29:50 31,495 posts
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    Tell you what, go finish it and repost the final version and we'll advise on that. It's not ready yet.
  • neilka 28 Nov 2012 17:31:06 15,849 posts
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    He lost me at "Uni"

    A map is like comparing velocity and speed.

  • mrpon 28 Nov 2012 17:32:47 28,756 posts
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    neilka wrote:
    He lost me at "Uni"
    In your mind it said anus, admit it.

    Give yourself 5 or gig, you're worth it.

  • neilka 28 Nov 2012 17:33:54 15,849 posts
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    In my mind it always says anus.

    A map is like comparing velocity and speed.

  • Deleted user 28 November 2012 17:34:24
    He had me at fancies.
  • Fatiguez 28 Nov 2012 17:36:02 8,718 posts
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    Ditch it, we have enough Scottish lawyers on the forum
  • Syrette 28 Nov 2012 17:36:48 43,296 posts
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    Hope you find this constructive:

    tl;dr

  • Deleted user 28 November 2012 17:37:47
    DaM wrote:
    I think your appetite is whetted. I would give it a good read through, I would rewrite lots of it (sorry!). Phrases like "I have managed to grasp the concepts we have been taught" I would write as "I have grasped the subjects taught". It does sound like you are trying to reach a word limit :)
    I have gained a clear understanding of the subjects.
  • neilka 28 Nov 2012 17:43:23 15,849 posts
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    I merked dem subjects blud

    A map is like comparing velocity and speed.

  • Fake_Blood 28 Nov 2012 17:45:47 4,169 posts
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    Yow I've been in contact wid da law lots of times - I'd remove that part too.
  • Deleted user 28 November 2012 17:48:42
    Which uni? Pm if you want. I haven't read it properly as im walking home at the moment but I would remove any mention of Scotland independence, no one is taking it seriously as yet and the law is the one thing that probably isn't going to be that affected.
  • GuiltySpark 28 Nov 2012 17:49:36 6,358 posts
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    "Law has always interested me." is a bit of a cliche, also I'm sure they're aware that it interests you or else you would not be applying for a law course.

    Studies shouldn't have a capital S.

    Do not say that your appetite is whetted (even spelt right) as it appears too colloquial.

    Take out the "Unfortunately..." part. Not all of it, just change the wording. You don't want a negative word in there.

    "While this experience would put off many people.." - prove it! (You can't, so take it out.)

    "I believe being at the more mature end of the spectrum of applicants..." Take that out, or at least word it differently.

    Take out "juggling college" etc etc and the exclamation mark. You sound self entitled.

    "I look forward to finally realising my goals of pursuing a degree" Too wordy.

    Your last sentence won't stick in anybody's head after the rather "Woe is me" last paragraph.

    My PS was wank, don't listen to me.

    Get bent.

  • Syrette 28 Nov 2012 17:49:44 43,296 posts
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    This forum isn't big enough for two mowglis.

  • Blotto 28 Nov 2012 18:16:58 2,773 posts
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    From my experience Personal statements mean very little unless its Oxford/Cambridge or maybe top 10 universities.

    It's all about the predicted grades, if you're predicted the right grades, you'll probably get the offer, if not, you probably won't.
  • superdelphinus 28 Nov 2012 18:32:02 8,047 posts
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    Immediate observation is that it's too wordy, and reads a bit like you are trying to be too clever with words. Law in practice is often about being clear and concise, so this is a good opportunity to start.

    Also, the academic stage of law is just that, academic (I assume Scottish law qualification works roughly the same as it does in England and Wales?) - I'd keep the legal experience you have brief, and really focus on the relevant skills you can bring to what is quite a demanding degree - ability to distill vast amounts of information into its salient points, grasp complex concepts quickly, communicate clearly, develop arguments etc

    Good luck, it's a lot of fun
  • superdelphinus 28 Nov 2012 18:33:06 8,047 posts
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    Yeah absolutely no point in mentioning ADHD, just sounds like you are trying to excuse something
  • Deleted user 28 November 2012 18:36:59
    @onestepfromlost
    Mine was half that and I mentioned Donkey Kong Country. I got in.
  • OmniaVincitAmor 28 Nov 2012 18:40:35 1,516 posts
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    WHAT THE FUCK IS A UNI?

    Defeat is not getting knocked down, but refusing to get back up.

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