National Novel Writing Month 2012 Page 22

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  • RobTheBuilder 9 Nov 2012 14:38:53 6,521 posts
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    @santashi That's really useful, thank you.

    I suppose they aren't all likeable, but I don't want people to dislike Tony of course!

    I'm glad the sponge cake bit worked, that took a discussion on seventies comedians with my dad to find the right line! Nice to know it isn't just me who thinks these things are amusing :)

    I've fixed the repetitive phrasing at the start of chapter 2, and am thinking about the barman bit. It was meant to be both a fourth wall thing, but also a comment on the absurdity of the situation (which is inspired by the guy who died recently after creating his own nation on an island off the coast).

    Much appreciated! I just wrote a Jimmy Savile reference which I'm not sure about, that may need looking at later..!!

    ďThat also means I've had to squeeze (boyband) To The Left into dressing room 5, I won't say it's cramped in there, but somewhere a zombie Jimmy Savile just crawled out of his grave.Ē
    Edited by RobTheBuilder at 14:40:12 09-11-2012
  • santashi 9 Nov 2012 14:59:57 5,052 posts
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    No problem! It's interesting to read something else connected to showbusiness, albeit from a different angle. :)

    I think, at least at the moment, one feels a lot of empathy with Tony. And the barman being a step too far might just be me. I'd try checking that one with a bunch of people before doing anything drastic. ;)

    Not sure about having a Savile joke, but that is obviously very subjective. I didn't really know anything about the guy beforehand aside from a few Dead Ringers references to one of the shows he did, but the whole thing seems very depressing. It makes sense, anyway, if that's what you were wondering. :)

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  • RobTheBuilder 9 Nov 2012 15:07:45 6,521 posts
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    @santashi Cheers. I want Tony to be likeable, a genuinely nice guy, but flawed with more of an ego than you think. (Or at least that's what's in my head for him)

    The barman line I wasn't sure on. In my head it felt right, but reading how other people do maybe not. I'll see what people say!

    The Savile joke wasn't planned, but as I wrote the line about the boyband being forced to use the tiny dressing room it just seemed appropriate...!
  • RobTheBuilder 9 Nov 2012 15:09:10 6,521 posts
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    Chapters 13 and 14 done..!



    13. Papparazzi
    Tony gets picked out by the paps.

    14. Episode Four
    How does Tony handle the legendary Robert Nordstrom?

    http://nanowrimo-theentertainer.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/13-papparazzi.html
    http://nanowrimo-theentertainer.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/14-episode-four_9.html
  • santashi 9 Nov 2012 15:31:13 5,052 posts
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    I can't believe I just referenced Two Little Boys. :p

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  • Deleted user 9 November 2012 16:08:10
    TechnoHippy wrote:
    @meme

    Onto day 8 - 31k is pretty good going, especially considering that its reading well.

    Being jealous about soft porn furnishings made chuckle :-)

    I'm missing the massacre thread - I'm hoping we see more on that soon.
    Thanks! The massacre thread was really only a random dream sequence, so it looks like my structuring was off on it. I might go back to it, or I might flesh it out a bit more in the first big edit pass, but it's not a big story thread unto itself. I definitely want to touch on it a bit more, though.
  • TechnoHippy 9 Nov 2012 17:05:18 14,698 posts
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    And chapter 13 prances into view:

    http://zenapocalypse.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/faust-20-chapter-13.html

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  • TechnoHippy 9 Nov 2012 17:06:22 14,698 posts
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    meme wrote:
    TechnoHippy wrote:
    @meme

    Onto day 8 - 31k is pretty good going, especially considering that its reading well.

    Being jealous about soft porn furnishings made chuckle :-)

    I'm missing the massacre thread - I'm hoping we see more on that soon.
    Thanks! The massacre thread was really only a random dream sequence, so it looks like my structuring was off on it. I might go back to it, or I might flesh it out a bit more in the first big edit pass, but it's not a big story thread unto itself. I definitely want to touch on it a bit more, though.
    Heh - I thought there would be some big moral lesson :-)

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  • Deleted user 9 November 2012 17:11:48
    Oh, it all should tie into one eventually. Well, not a "moral lesson" per-se, but a definitive overall meaning.
  • TechnoHippy 9 Nov 2012 17:20:09 14,698 posts
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    @RobTheBuilder

    More good progress. The only thing I think is missing is a sense of place. Your dialogue and character interaction is good, but I don't get a feel for where everything is taking place.

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  • Salaman 9 Nov 2012 20:53:04 18,875 posts
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    TechnoHippy wrote:
    And chapter 13 prances into view:

    http://zenapocalypse.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/faust-20-chapter-13.html
    Yaay. Shit's starting to get real. I have been curious about the return favour. :-)

    The timing at the end seems a bit off to me. She starts off telling him he has about 15 minutes before the police arrive.
    Then very briefly after, he goes to the balcony and the police are pulling up and swarming out of their cars (wouldn't there have been sirens for such a raid? That alerted him by sound before he looked down to see the arriving police)
    He seems to be a long way up. Yet right after he sees them arriving, they're already busting in the door.

    Maybe tidy up some of the wording around these events to make them make chronological sense?

    Typos, etc
    The police are no aware of your crimes and according to their car tracking systems are on their way here now.
    Maybe add a "they" before are on their way now? Reads a bit weird to me without it.

    Theyíre going to keep asking you questions you donít know answers to. The answers? Again, reads a little funny to me (but I'm not a native speaker so feel free to fully ignore that.)

    Do it head first and you guarantee and end.
    Que *questions mark*

    Edited by Salaman at 20:57:55 09-11-2012

    Edited by Salaman at 22:41:44 09-11-2012
  • santashi 9 Nov 2012 20:59:17 5,052 posts
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    Just put chapter 3 up. I know nothing about horses. :D

    http://santashi.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/chapter-3-side-b.html

    And as a treat I now get to go and watch the Mentalist with the family. :)

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  • TechnoHippy 9 Nov 2012 21:07:50 14,698 posts
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    @Salaman

    Thanks - some useful comments there. Added them to the list :-)

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  • RobTheBuilder 9 Nov 2012 21:42:34 6,521 posts
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    @TechnoHippy That's handy advice. I've been so keen to get the story down I've definitely skipped over the location details a bit! Cheers
  • TechnoHippy 9 Nov 2012 21:46:05 14,698 posts
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    And now chapter 14 pokes its head above the parapet.

    http://zenapocalypse.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/faust-20-chapter-14.html

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  • TechnoHippy 9 Nov 2012 22:14:26 14,698 posts
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    @santashi

    On to chapter 3:

    Reads well. Although that is a very well behaved horse :-)

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  • Carbon_Altered 9 Nov 2012 22:33:15 675 posts
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    Wow people, you have been on fire while I've out been humping myself across Europe (ok, to Brussels and back for work, but it was tough, dammit)

    I have had a bit of a monster on my hands - what started as boring chapter to introduce a couple of new characters has turned over the last few days into a amateur detective story. Not quite sure if it works, or where it's going to go, but I present to you part two of my nano:

    chapter 5

    chapter 6

    chapter 7

    chapter 8

    chapter 8 was written on Eurostar after a few strong Belgian beers, so apologies for that in advance

    Edited by Carbon_Altered at 22:40:17 09-11-2012
  • Carbon_Altered 9 Nov 2012 22:38:58 675 posts
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    I've also just realised that you can sing the chapter list in my last post to the Steps song of the same name

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NO-h9PFum4

    Edited by Carbon_Altered at 22:39:24 09-11-2012
  • Salaman 9 Nov 2012 22:55:50 18,875 posts
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    @TechnoHippy
    The timing is a bit weird in a few places.
    I think it goes from narrating what Sarah does & what Sarah thinks to quickly sometimes. Breaking the actions and thoughts up better with layout (hard return) would probably help in one or two places.
    Like these.

    She looked at the report on the crappy desk they had dragged out for her to use. Letís review what we know. Unfortunately it wasnít a great deal.
    Maybe seperate off the 2nd and 3rd sentence?
    Or is it possible to put thoughts in quotations the way speech is put in quotation marks? That would give it the right flow maybe?

    Sarah shook her head. She couldn't think of a way that could be done. Her coffee was cold, but she drank it anyway.

    Same with the last one. She's debating, thinking, searching. you're following her inner monologue as she probes and tries to look at the problem from different angels and then suddenly there a narrative/action.
    Her coffee is cold but she drinks it anyway.
    Maybe separate the two.

    Good content wise. First time the omnipotent demon's armour is showing a crack. Maybe he's (she?) not omnipotent and infallible. =)

    Typology:
    D .I. Reynolds, I assure you Iíve been sent here to help
    Rogue space after D.

    Sarah had access some tools that the Metís boys didnít
    access to
  • santashi 9 Nov 2012 22:56:35 5,052 posts
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    @TechnoHippy Thanks! Yes, isn't it? ;)

    If you don't mind me asking, do you find it clear enough so far what I'm doing with the chapters? It will be more relevant later on but I want to check how someone who isn't me sees it. :)

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  • MetalDog 10 Nov 2012 00:16:26 23,708 posts
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    An update, by god.

    -- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.

  • Blerk Moderator 10 Nov 2012 02:02:01 48,225 posts
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    I am up far too late again, but I think I've figured a way forward that makes sense and doesn't seem completely hokey.

    Not a huge amount added to the word count tonight despite a two and a half hour stint. This is mainly because I have to admit to some mild cheating - I went back and rewrote a bunch of shit that I did yesterday that was clearly going nowhere. As this was all unpublished stuff I don't feel too bad about it, though. :)

    Chapter's still not quite done, but I might post the new scenes I've done tomorrow once I've had a bit of a kip. Because I'm falling aslee...... zzzzzz.
  • RobTheBuilder 10 Nov 2012 02:06:24 6,521 posts
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    Can I ask a question folks.
    If you were to create a hairstyle so completely mental that people would stare at you with open mouths... what might you do?
  • Blerk Moderator 10 Nov 2012 02:09:13 48,225 posts
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    This! :D

    Edited by Blerk at 02:10:03 10-11-2012
  • Blerk Moderator 10 Nov 2012 02:11:40 48,225 posts
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    Or maybe this!
  • RobTheBuilder 10 Nov 2012 02:41:23 6,521 posts
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    @Blerk Flock of seagulls isn't a bad starting point... Cheers.
  • Deleted user 10 November 2012 06:00:49
    Day nine

    A slow day today, only managed about 2.5K.
  • Carbon_Altered 10 Nov 2012 09:05:09 675 posts
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    RobTheBuilder wrote:
    Can I ask a question folks.
    If you were to create a hairstyle so completely mental that people would stare at you with open mouths... what might you do?
    This old school 200AD story would seem suitable, Hewligan's Haircut. Vaguely remember it having magic powers or opening a portal to another universe

  • TechnoHippy 10 Nov 2012 12:56:26 14,698 posts
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    @Carbon_Altered

    A big catch up to do here :-)

    Chapter 5:

    I wondered where this chapter was going, but there seems to be a mystery.

    Chapter 6:

    All stories should have giant mechanical spyders.

    And the mystery deepens.

    Chapter 7:

    Men should be obscene and not heard eh?

    Typo or missing word in "Protecting the ship is that dick Si's job"?

    Missing punctuation in "a statement rather than a question"

    It seems the rest of the chapter has a bunch of missing punctuation?

    Chapter 8:

    Incorrect spelling of 'fair' in " They covered a fare amount"

    You've described the immediate layout, but I don't recall knowing the general layout of the ship? Maybe there is and I've forgotten reading it.

    You appear to have quite a few missing full stops at the end of sentences for example: "the intimation was pointed"

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  • TechnoHippy 10 Nov 2012 13:00:26 14,698 posts
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    @santashi

    I think so - one side is the real person, the other is the character she plays?

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