National Novel Writing Month 2012 Page 45

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  • RobTheBuilder 5 Jan 2013 12:53:18 6,521 posts
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    @TechnoHippy cheers.
  • TechnoHippy 5 Jan 2013 16:17:16 14,636 posts
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    @Metalfish

    "A sort of red haired freckled woman" doesn't read right.

    "Yeah, okay, once or twice I may have got drunk and fucked the apocalypse, let's not dwell on that, shall we?" is an excellent line :-)

    "See you in the void"" - I think 'void' was capitalised earlier?

    A good turn of phrase throughout which makes it good reading. I'm pretty sure I've read the first few chapters before.

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  • sunjumper 8 Jan 2013 10:38:18 2,990 posts
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    @Blerk
    I find myself th a bit of time at my hands which means that I get to read a bit more and provide some feedback.

    So Chapter 10 at last.

    The chapter kicks off with a high tension moment. Maxwell is quickly turning into a main force of malice appearing in the most inconvenient moments. I also like how keeping the book hidden in his work desk is actually a rather naďve idea. He still behaves like he is in a normal situation that has gone slightly out of control, while the actual threat that his situation poses to him and the other civilians is only now slowly dawning on him.
    Without knowing it he has stumbled into a situation where he is now living in a de facto totalitarian fascist state.
    I like this a lot because the severity of the situation is dawning to me almost as slowly as it is to the protagonist which helps slowly building the drama of the story which is still increasing in increments.

    Alison and Kate suddenly disappearing. Creepy.

    Well that it was Alison’s husband who disappeared is less of a surprise. It does play well into the GeStaPo methods on display though. Although I am now wondering if the fire was an attempt to stop something from happening or if it was to stop a science team from insurrection and/or if it was something done to get a hold of Alison without raising to much suspicion.
    At the very least this will increase the power of the military even more.

    So the team that gleefully set fire to a house with their alien guns was the one that found the house with the scientists burning. Right. Now I have strong tendency towards the scientists being killed by the military and Hayes being the only one who escaped. It also meshes well with the whole ‘under no circumstances approach or talk to him’ spiel.

    Another thought occurred to me as Jenson was talking about him and his father leaving. AS everyone but the military team is basically trapped on the new world no one would ever know if the people wo returned home would find a tragic end once they had been released back into freedom. Although if suddenly someone appeared out of nowhere claiming to be a part of a secret government project to invade parallel dimensions they would be dismissed as crackpots.
    Still as things are going I do worry about the health of pretty much everyone by now.

    Like father like son…

    It is a bit reckless to head out on the very first night when he does not even know if they are going to check if everyone is home after curfew or if there is some other form of headcount. From his home he could be also be looking if there was a change in the patterns of the patrols or anything. But then he said it himself, time is of the essence. What evidence maybe left might soon be gone. Especially if all the extra military is not patrolling the compound but instead roaming the outskirts looking for Hayes or cleaning up the mess left behind.

    Minor style niggling. ‘Time was of the essence’ is used twice in a rather short interval here. Once in the room with Jenson and Dan and then again at the harbour making it stand out a bit.

    And a great ending to the chapter.
    There remain many open questions and it is hard to see how our protagonist will make it back home unseen.

    Looking forward to more.
    So get cracking!
  • MetalDog 8 Jan 2013 10:56:31 23,706 posts
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    Thanks for the feedback chaps. I am not dead, merely shovelling IRL shit (almost literally) and trying desperately to ignore the fundamental flaws in my yarn enough to finish it. This one's going to need surgery so major it may well be unrecognisable if it ever makes it to second draft.

    @Salaman, you are right of course, first draft gear changes make that horrible grinding noise

    @Sunjumper, I'll answer what I can safely answer
    Blue is usually the point of no return, although people have returned from worse with exceptional help (Joe)

    First draft crapness going on with some of Walker's scenes, I find the high-intensity emotion scenes really hard to get right in the first pass.

    Blood volume is down - in truth being fully upright should be almost impossible for Walker at the moment, particularly since he's a tall man, but I'm using that 'almost' to the very longest stretch of its credibility. The reason he didn't just fall on her was because his dislocated thumbs and broken wrist are in front of him with the forearms lashed together, making his arms and hands little more than a decorative painful hood ornament.

    That's one of my favourite typos ever =)

    -- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.

  • Salaman 9 Jan 2013 11:56:53 18,237 posts
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    MetalDog wrote:
    That's one of my favourite typos ever =)
    It was a goodie! :-)

    Blerk wrote:
    I got back on the horse last night too (after a prolonged Christmas break) and somehow managed over 2600 words. Going to try and keep the momentum up now and hopefully actually make it to the end of the story in a reasonable timeframe.

    /insert vague half-promise to update the blog at some point in the future here
    /pokes Blerk with sharpened stick
  • Blerk Moderator 9 Jan 2013 12:15:44 48,224 posts
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    Ow! :)

    Finished the next chapter last night... I think. Tempting to add just one more scene, but I should probably resist as it ends on such an awesome OMG and I've got another biggie for the next chapter.

    I'll post. Really, I will. Honest.
  • Metalfish 9 Jan 2013 12:21:19 8,688 posts
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    TechnoHippy wrote:
    [stuff]
    Oooh, feedback. Yeah, you're right. Going to finish this silly little novella soon, promise.
  • TechnoHippy 11 Jan 2013 13:56:44 14,636 posts
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    I thought I had some new stuff to read :-(

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  • sunjumper 11 Jan 2013 15:34:48 2,990 posts
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    Did you read my last update?
    A new chapter should be done either today or tomorrow in any case.
  • Blerk Moderator 11 Jan 2013 16:12:52 48,224 posts
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    Talking of last updates, I somehow managed to miss your last batch of comments, sunjumper! Super thanks again for taking the time, I've just copy/pasted them into the project for review time (ha!).

    The next chapter is now actually and properly complete. You know what I'm going to say next, right? :D
  • sunjumper 11 Jan 2013 16:14:35 2,990 posts
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    That you are waiting for the harvest moon to sacrifice a goat to an ancient Summerian god that has been forgotten to civilisation so that she may send you an omen in the form of a shower of 50 pound notes telling you that it is OK to post the update on your blog?
  • Blerk Moderator 11 Jan 2013 16:18:01 48,224 posts
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    Yes, that's the one.
  • sunjumper 11 Jan 2013 17:27:00 2,990 posts
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    Damn.

    Update so that we can help you with feedback, you don't have to be alone.
  • RobTheBuilder 14 Jan 2013 01:28:37 6,521 posts
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    Chapter 29 (part one).

    Episode Six.

    Tony has to stall for time as his guest link isn't runnning properly yet.

    http://nanowrimo-theentertainer.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/29-episode-six-part-one.html
  • TechnoHippy 14 Jan 2013 15:18:52 14,636 posts
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    @RobTheBuilder

    "It's so small it makes the broom cupboard look Claridges." - missing word 'like'.

    Otherwise a nice interlude.

    My books, contests, reviews and author interviews on my blog

  • RobTheBuilder 14 Jan 2013 16:35:10 6,521 posts
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    @TechnoHippy thanks!
  • Salaman 14 Jan 2013 16:45:13 18,237 posts
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    Blerk wrote:
    Talking of last updates, I somehow managed to miss your last batch of comments, sunjumper! Super thanks again for taking the time, I've just copy/pasted them into the project for review time (ha!).

    The next chapter is now actually and properly complete. You know what I'm going to say next, right? :D
    /takes a swing and whacks Blerk across the head with his pointy stick
    Post it you godawful tease!
  • Blerk Moderator 15 Jan 2013 00:04:55 48,224 posts
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    Okay, you asked for it (repeatedly)! :D

    I ought to post them a scene at a time rather than waiting for a full chapter, I suppose. Ought to. For sure. Yup. :)
  • TechnoHippy 15 Jan 2013 21:18:06 14,636 posts
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    @Blerk

    It's been so long I've forgotten what the story was about :-)

    Chapter 11

    "“And here you are,” I finished" This seems a bit abrupt, despite your explanation.

    Ooh - a little hint about what might have happened.

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  • sunjumper 17 Jan 2013 15:59:45 2,990 posts
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    @Blerk
    Finally!

    Chapter 11

    Time for a little compliment. Often in books and even more in movies there are moments where characters do something inherently stupid or risky. In your story your character has done all of these things repeatedly but he either paid the price for it, or became aware of what he had just done considering the consequences.

    Now he fires up an outboard motor in the middle of the night in a place where there is hardly any noisy technology. He can be heard for miles and miles. Usually it is small things just like this that can break immersion or even worse destroy the suspension of disbelief. In the latter case everything that the reader can’t explain will become a flaw even if it really isn’t.

    Yet here in your story you have shown so often that you do consider these things carefully that I at least do not feel a break in immersion. Instead it adds to the tension. Jake might go through his whole little adventure unscathed and instead of asking myself what you were smoking while writing it I would feel relieved because of the incredible lucky break the protagonist had.
    This is very good and I enjoy it immensely to be able to get immersed into the story and simply trust the writer.

    A Maxwell that horrible horrible man. Great twist that. I should have expected it but as I said above you have built a believable world well protected by thick fluffy layers of plausibility.

    O.O
    ARRRRGH!
    You are giving MetalDog a run for her Empathic Pain Award money.

    “Sadly I laid my hand on his unbroken shoulder […]” That ‘sadly’ does not work as intended there, you probably wanted to say something along the lines of ‘filled with sadness’.

    That headline does point towards something incredibly sinister…

    Also about Kurt… I KNEW it!!!!

    Very good chapter. Insanely intense. So far your story moves from strength to strength and shows that you know how to heap misery onto your protagonist by the spade full.
  • Salaman 17 Jan 2013 21:17:59 18,237 posts
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    Blerk wrote:
    Okay, you asked for it (repeatedly)! :D

    I ought to post them a scene at a time rather than waiting for a full chapter, I suppose. Ought to. For sure. Yup. :)
    Yeah, I've read that and I have feedback but I've saved it to a txt file on my desktop. :-P

    not really, been busy and just spotted this. Hopefully will have a chance to catch up this weekend.
  • Blerk Moderator 18 Jan 2013 08:48:59 48,224 posts
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    As usual, many thanks for reading, chaps! Got a little more done over the last few days, planning another stint tonight. Maybe I'll post that stuff once it's done rather than waiting for Hell to freeze over. :D
  • Salaman 18 Jan 2013 08:50:24 18,237 posts
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    ^^ lies
  • Blerk Moderator 18 Jan 2013 08:53:57 48,224 posts
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    Pft! Says you, Mr Pokey-pokey-no-time! :D
  • Salaman 18 Jan 2013 10:50:16 18,237 posts
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    Blerk wrote:
    Pft! Says you, Mr Pokey-pokey-no-time! :D
    Well why don't I read your latest post + give you feedback for it. RIGHT NOW. And you post your next chapter within the next week.
    :-P
  • Blerk Moderator 18 Jan 2013 10:54:51 48,224 posts
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    Ah... let's not make any rash promises now, eh? :D
  • Salaman 18 Jan 2013 11:35:21 18,237 posts
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    I have no nautical knowledge at all. Is the "struggle" he has initially realistic?
    The tide pulling him out to sea and then throwing him onto the beach at the same time? Doesn't the tide either go out (pulling you out to sea) or come in (throwing you on the beach)?
    And if he's being thrown on the beach, does turning the bow into the waves just allow him to float a bit further out to sea away from the beach so the engine can be started up?

    The general gist of it is OK. Struggling in a choppy sea, trying to row. Then switching to the outboard engine. Maybe review the detail of it.

    Consequently, when he arrives at the second town, you mention:
    The tide was with me this time and I barely needed to row at all, the boat drifting slowly towards the shore on the small waves even when the oars were raised.
    The tide was throwing him on the beach before, so it was with him as well then, no?
    Or "with me" in the sence of helping out by gently carrying him to his destination rather being unhelpful and throwing him on the beach?

    Man, you're going all MD on us in the scene with John in the back of that truck. I was wincing as I read it.

    Good cliffhanger at the end there with
    Kurt apparently being a local
    !

    1 typo
    After a few seconds, however, I began to see of them
    more of them
  • Salaman 18 Jan 2013 11:35:51 18,237 posts
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    Over to you Blerk. :-D
  • Blerk Moderator 18 Jan 2013 11:47:35 48,224 posts
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    Smashing, thanks muchly! I still love you. xoxoxox :D

    Regarding the boat, I have no real nautical knowledge either, but in my head he's nervous about drifting and consequently is sailing as close to the shore as he can, which puts him at the mercy of the breaking waves - the swell pushes him to the beach, once the wave breaks he's drawn back out again (unless he's too close to the shore, in which case he ends up stranded on the beach).

    Thinking back over it, getting too close to the shore with the outboard motor deployed would be impossible - he'd wreck it on the sea bed long before he made it to the beach. I'll flag that for a once-over just in case I screwed up. :)
  • TechnoHippy 21 Jan 2013 15:14:12 14,636 posts
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    Conversations in the Abyss (sequel to last year's The Cult of Me) has been sent off for editing. Thanks to everyone who provided feedback.

    I'm trying to setup a blog tour in March to support the release, if anyone here has a blog or site and you're willing to take part then please give me a shout.

    Thanks!

    My books, contests, reviews and author interviews on my blog

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