National Novel Writing Month 2012 Page 40

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  • Blerk Moderator 6 Dec 2012 14:57:36 48,225 posts
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    Salaman wrote:
    Blerk wrote:
    sunjumper wrote:
    Dude! Why do you hide your precious words from us?
    Pure, unadulterated lethargy. :D
    Blerk the last 4 days:

    That is very accurate. :D

    Shouldn't the 'prizes' be up by now, incidentally?

    Edited by Blerk at 14:58:03 06-12-2012
  • Carbon_Altered 6 Dec 2012 17:24:15 675 posts
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    sunjumper wrote:

    You might want to have a look at how much g's fighter pilots can take.
    I spent quite a while looking at this, to the detriment of my word count at the time!! The thing with g forces isn't really the maximum that the body can take, but the duration it can take it for. Pilots go through big g's, but for very short periods at a time. Periods of moderate g (eg 5 or 6) can do serious damage if maintained for a long while.

    I wanted a level that wasn't going to do long term damage, but made operating hard for them. They could hack in to the flight control system, but I was working from the basis of them wanting to leave as little trace as possible, hence concentrating on the goods being transported (but I think I need to emphasise this more), while up against the time constraint imposed by the acceleration. If they could just turn the acceleration down, I worry that I'd lose some of the tension.

    Edited by Carbon_Altered at 17:25:08 06-12-2012
  • Carbon_Altered 6 Dec 2012 17:26:02 675 posts
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    Also, is it so wrong that I find that sloth strangely alluring?
  • Carbon_Altered 6 Dec 2012 19:29:08 675 posts
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    Ok, enough Sloth fancying, have my next chapter instead

    Chapter 29
  • TechnoHippy 6 Dec 2012 20:03:56 14,698 posts
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    @Carbon_Altered

    You can never have enough sloth fancying :-)

    And another good chapter. Ends on a good note too.

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  • MetalDog 6 Dec 2012 20:21:29 23,708 posts
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    @TechnoHippy
    13
    Quite a few missing commas going on in the heat of composition, just something to watch out for when you hit revision time. Easy fix, best sort.

    The pattern of 'fucks' is brilliant. Just varied enough to stop it from being dull and clearly shows the rabbit-in-headlights moment he's having without too much melodrama. As someone slightly prone to melodrama, I feel qualified to say so =D

    Typo in the line:
    Second. The police are no aware - should be now

    also:
    What have you done this to me - probably started life as 'what have you done and got changed to why have you done this?

    Near the end of the piece, Rob turns into Dan. It took me a while to notice, I've been getting those two muddled - I suggest you change one of those names to something longer. Dan to Daniel, or Rob to Robert would do it.

    I loved this scene, it had a real buzz to it and I was glad he didn't, I'm not sure I'd have believed it from that particular character if he had =)

    14
    Back to Sarah
    Just a couple of nitpicks on this one, because it's mostly a very nice bridging scene with plausible sounding tech in it - no idea how much you're bullshitting here and how much is genuine procedure.

    dropped word:
    Sarah had access (to) some tools that...

    And one sentence that seemed to lie a bit awkward on the page:
    The clerk made to wait for them to leave so she could lock up sat fuming while she waited.

    No idea why that one seemed to clang on the ear, but it did. Probably trying to make one sentence do too much work?

    -- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.

  • TechnoHippy 6 Dec 2012 20:44:10 14,698 posts
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    Cool, thanks for the feedback.

    My books, contests, reviews and author interviews on my blog

  • sunjumper 6 Dec 2012 21:20:48 3,189 posts
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    Carbon_Altered wrote:
    [...] If they could just turn the acceleration down, I worry that I'd lose some of the tension.
    The star-ship is going through a dense debris field. You have already told the reader that the AI has an eye on all that crap so that it does not harm to the ship.
    So the pirates could use that to inject some code for less crushing acceleration.

    It would have to be sneaky (as in less acceleration) and knowing that it would only ever go undetected by the AI if it did not go for to long. Knowing the margin of error that the AIs will ignore gives them something to play with while maintaining tension because they have to be quick and the G forces are still horrid and work around to save their lives would have to be very short or risk detection.
    And stuff.
    Just some random ideas. Discard and use at your own leisure.
  • Carbon_Altered 6 Dec 2012 21:33:46 675 posts
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    @sunjumper - thank you! Added to the feedback folder, it's really useful being able to talk some of this stuff through.
  • MetalDog 7 Dec 2012 00:27:17 23,708 posts
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    An update at last. Not huge, but progress.
    Overtime 2

    -- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.

  • sunjumper 7 Dec 2012 03:30:22 3,189 posts
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    53k.

    Next chapter is done and slightly insane...

    Update read it if you do not value your sanity.
  • Salaman 7 Dec 2012 08:56:55 18,890 posts
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    Carbon, that scene sunjumper referenced worked for me in the sense that I fully bought in to the setup. They sneak on board an unmanned ship so they can steal from under the AIs nose without it ever being the wiser.
    So tampering with the ship flight computer in some way, whether it's direction or speed would alert the AI something is off. So premise was fine. That said, the scene might be improved a bit with an addition the way sunjumper suggests. Right now the only tension is can we get in and out during the brief window of opportunity that's available to us.
    We're hampered by the increased G forces as we try to do this.

    If you change it you'll get can we get in, slightly tamper with things but within a range that will be regarded as normal discrepancy and get out, hindered by the increasing G-forces until that time where we successfully tamper with stuff at which point it should be less of an issue.

    It might provide some variety as you currently have to rely on describing the constant and increasing effort of working against the G-Forces throughout the whole chapter.
  • Salaman 7 Dec 2012 09:15:34 18,890 posts
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    Carbon, still love the humour that you infuse in a subtle and quite natural way.
    Usually though really good timing.

    These bits made me laugh for example:
    Lloyd actually attempted a salute in his fear of the angry marine,
    and
    whether they actually cared that they might not see some of the others again. Mason said goodbye to Brook with a raised finger, for example.

    Glad there's a "reveal" at last. Didn't see it coming and had my suspicion on just about everyone prior to it. Si, Gumelar, ... so well done.

    Maybe a different reply from Si can avoid the two sure's in one sentece?
    "For sure" Si wasn't planning on wandering off anywhere, that was for sure.
    Especially with that one following shortly after.
    "Sure" although Brook didn't feel sure at all.

    And once again ... Brilliant ending to the chapter. :-D
  • Salaman 7 Dec 2012 09:28:59 18,890 posts
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    Metal, am I wrongly assuming that "stacks" are some sort of vertical slum almost? Apartment blocks for the poor. that's the vibe I got from the north stacks description. Or are the stacks basically living units and some of them, like the north stack have just become rundown.

    I only ask because blocks of flats to me = noisy, poorly soundproofed confines. So I was surprised at this observation:
    The flats were well insulated for sound and it was hard to tell for sure.

    Sorry, I've probably latched on to something very minor again whilst sweeping past far more plot related points that had you wondering. :-)

    Glad to see them all getting a break for a change.
    I need to re-read the whole story in one go sometime. With the days in between and the other stories in between I tend to lose track a bit of what's going on.
  • MetalDog 7 Dec 2012 09:56:04 23,708 posts
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    @Salaman

    You're assuming correctly in that they're basically cheap, vertical cubbies to shove the not-quite-destitute out of sight. They probably pay their way by having to do some god-awful data entry task to certain targets from their home controllers.

    This is The Future(tm) though and with cheap, future materials to work with, I figured they could cut the calls to the police by at least half, probably more, just my making them well-soundproofed. Since a lot of the people in there couldn't afford large 'fines' to pay for lots of police visits it would save the company money in the long run.

    I may explain this earlier in, before anyone wonders why the neighbours didn't hear anyone screaming in their bathrooms =D

    -- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.

  • Carbon_Altered 7 Dec 2012 11:15:06 675 posts
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    @Salaman - thanks for your feedback there, your suggestion in that earlier chapter is a good one.
  • Carbon_Altered 7 Dec 2012 11:21:06 675 posts
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    @MetalDog - I'm up to date with yours now (much to my annoyance) and have a question about the controllers.

    I don't think it is spoilers, but I shall be safe rather than sorry:

    I think the controllers are a absolutely brilliant feature-come-plot device. Really adds to your slightly creepy future vision of London.

    However, I do think that maybe you need to explain more about what they do. At the moment I've only really seen them turn the lights on, make tea and control the lift via voice commands, while recording goings-on. My slight issue is that we can do most of this already with today's tech and without the, I presume, billions of dollars need in R&D to be able to use slices of brain to do this stuff. So there must be more to them, which maybe could be brought out in the story earlier (apologies in advance if you did and I either missed it or forgot during the madness of November).

    One idea I had was that you know how if you have a gmail account, google reads your emails to be able to better target advertising at you? Well how about the controllers do that as well, but they can look at almost every aspect of your life and pass on the information to the big companies (which would help justify the cost of them).


    Edited by Carbon_Altered at 11:21:30 07-12-2012

    Edited by Carbon_Altered at 11:23:07 07-12-2012
  • MetalDog 7 Dec 2012 11:50:41 23,708 posts
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    @Carbon_Altered
    Yeah, I probably should show them off in everyday life a bit more than I do. I'm intending to slot a few more short scenes in prior to finding everyone in the stacks and some between finding them and Walker so there's more life before panic, so that will be the place to do it.

    @sunjumper
    I have notes written up for you, but could get called away to do stuff any second so I'm saving them until I have time to write them up proper like.

    -- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.

  • TechnoHippy 7 Dec 2012 12:19:23 14,698 posts
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    @MetalDog

    Nice a new update :-)

    Over time 2:

    "“What’s the definition of cripple, then?” asked Jexter." - nice line.

    "It's quite satisfying - cleaning someone's clock. Not always wise, not always right, but there's a time and a place for a good right hook." - good man :-)

    An ominous ending to the chapter - good job.

    My books, contests, reviews and author interviews on my blog

  • TechnoHippy 7 Dec 2012 12:26:28 14,698 posts
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    And I've been bursting to tell this for a while, but guess who's going to be writing the official Elite novel?

    :-)

    Edited by TechnoHippy at 12:54:57 07-12-2012

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  • MetalDog 7 Dec 2012 12:41:15 23,708 posts
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    Do you mean 'Elite'? Or is Elte a thing?
    Either way, congratulations!

    -- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.

  • TechnoHippy 7 Dec 2012 12:54:33 14,698 posts
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    @sunjumper

    Good to see another chapter.

    Chapter 15?

    Compared to previous chapters this feels denser, harder to get into.

    Having said that it is sn interesting mini quest.

    "Ogden had learnt that if you want people to keep talking you just say something that they just said" - an interesting observation.

    "maybe he was one of these fabled cool old people their myths told them about. " - made me chuckle.

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  • TechnoHippy 7 Dec 2012 12:55:19 14,698 posts
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    MetalDog wrote:
    Do you mean 'Elite'? Or is Elte a thing?
    Either way, congratulations!
    I did indeed mean Elite, now corrected - thanks.

    My books, contests, reviews and author interviews on my blog

  • Salaman 7 Dec 2012 12:58:50 18,890 posts
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    MetalDog wrote:
    @Salaman

    I may explain this earlier in, before anyone wonders why the neighbours didn't hear anyone screaming in their bathrooms =D
    Didn't think of that but yeah, good point as well.
  • sunjumper 7 Dec 2012 13:17:04 3,189 posts
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    TechnoHippy wrote:
    @sunjumper

    Good to see another chapter.

    Chapter 15?

    Compared to previous chapters this feels denser, harder to get into.

    Having said that it is sn interesting mini quest.

    "Ogden had learnt that if you want people to keep talking you just say something that they just said" - an interesting observation.

    "maybe he was one of these fabled cool old people their myths told them about. " - made me chuckle.
    Thanks for the feedback.
    Could it be that you missed update 14? That would explain why the chapter is so hard to get into.
    If not what was hard to understand?
    That way I can clear that up during editing.
  • Carbon_Altered 7 Dec 2012 13:39:39 675 posts
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    TechnoHippy wrote:
    And I've been bursting to tell this for a while, but guess who's going to be writing the official Elite novel?

    :-)
    Are you conected to this Techno?

    Congrats
  • TechnoHippy 7 Dec 2012 13:55:02 14,698 posts
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    No I'm writing the official novel :-)

    My books, contests, reviews and author interviews on my blog

  • MetalDog 7 Dec 2012 13:57:50 23,708 posts
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    How much do we need to bribe you to add a shipment of jaffa cakes to the novel?

    -- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.

  • MetalDog 7 Dec 2012 14:09:35 23,708 posts
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    @sunjumper
    update 6
    I only realised reading this one what a wonderful device Turner's intervening amnesia is for skipping all those tedious-but-usually-necessary transitions of characters from A to B.

    The list thing with the bear almost works, but not quite. Really unhelpfully I can't tell you why.

    I found him being slightly offended funny and true - we are ridiculous creatures that way =)

    Update 7

    If you hack heartwood out of a tree, I'm pretty sure you kill the tree?
    You mention pine trees, but when he's first trekking in the forest, you only mention leaf-litter, no pine needles or cones.

    There is an Adam/Adrian confusion of names when they're introducing each other

    'back row hidden by the curvature of the earth' is a great mental image =)

    Last paragraph is missing a 'he' or a namecheck.

    Two interesting new guys on the scene - looks like they might even hang around for a while too!

    -- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.

  • Carbon_Altered 7 Dec 2012 14:10:42 675 posts
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    @TechnoHippy - well have some extra congratulations then!

    How did that come about? And what a year for your writing career!
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