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Hurting other people's children • Page 3

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  • ronuds 23 Jul 2012 17:40:18 20,918 posts
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    THFourteen wrote:
    billythekid wrote:
    "Please keep your child away from me, it's covered in snot and chocolate and I do not want to cuddle or play with it. No it isn't cute at all."
    they are cute enough from afar... definitely dont want em near me though. i'm usually wearing clean clothes.

    plus they'll make you play some inane game like throwing or catching a ball or making lumps of unrecognisable shit out of playdough when you could be doing something constructive, like watching south park or playing fifa
    Happened to me this weekend! "Can you chase us around the yard in the 900 degree heat with 400% humidity, while in your jeans, for no reason whatsoever?"

    Ummm, no.
  • Psychotext 23 Jul 2012 17:41:57 49,583 posts
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    What were they doing in your jeans?

    This post is sponsored by Apple and the iPhone 4S. Think different.

  • Khanivor 23 Jul 2012 17:42:51 38,878 posts
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    Dropped my niece on her head when she was about one year old. What a fucking racket. Didn't stop squealing till I smothered her with a pillow.
  • ronuds 23 Jul 2012 17:44:10 20,918 posts
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    Party in my pants.
  • mal 23 Jul 2012 17:52:59 20,710 posts
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    SolidSCB wrote:
    Worst one for me was carrying my niece on my shoulders. She decided to begin gouging at my eyes with her fingers and I had no choice but to let go of her and get her fingers out of my eyesockets before she scooped my eyeballs clean out of my face. In my temporary blindness I just heard a massive thud as she fell to the floor like a ton of bricks. Still felt like a massive cock even though I was saving myself from having no eyesight for the rest of my life.
    Were you wearing a neck brace at the time?

    Cubby didn't know how to turn off sigs!

  • stryker1121 23 Jul 2012 18:10:02 451 posts
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    THFourteen wrote:
    billythekid wrote:People always look at me funny when a new baby gets handed round and I say I don't actually want to hold it!
    I don't want sick, snot, piss or shit on me. Plus I wouldn't want to drop it.
    I get exactly the same thing. And they all think its hilarious to hand me the baby and then sit around giggling "oh look at his face he hasn't got a clue what to do"

    how would you like it if i threw your dopey little shit machine out the window? is that something i should do?

    take it back god damn it take it back!
    I always decline to hold a baby when asked, and of course feel like a complete social maladjust when I do so. Why would I want to hold your kid, really?
  • ronuds 23 Jul 2012 18:14:19 20,918 posts
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    When a new baby's getting passed around, I slide out of the room.
  • Khanivor 23 Jul 2012 18:16:42 38,878 posts
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    ronuds wrote:
    When a new baby's getting passed around, I slide right in.

    You fucking disgust me.
  • ronuds 23 Jul 2012 18:17:09 20,918 posts
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    That's libelous!
  • elstoof 23 Jul 2012 18:29:55 4,505 posts
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    I was round at ronuds place the other week. Passing children around like a bag of toffees they were.
  • Chopsen 23 Jul 2012 18:44:26 13,794 posts
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    I've never really got any pleasure out of holding babies. Whenever someone pops out a sprog, it's all gather round and take turns holding it. It's bit of an odd ritual really. Oh, look at me, I'm holding a baby. Fucking whoop. I just find myself stood there holding them, wondering how soon I can give it to someone else without seeming rude.

    Thanks for expressing interest in my signature!

  • repairmanjack 23 Jul 2012 23:29:02 5,815 posts
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    Remember that Toddler Fight Club bollocks in the press a few months back? I'm starting to think smoothpete was a contender.
  • Dougs 24 Jul 2012 06:50:10 59,475 posts
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    Missed this yesterday, very funny. Wouldn't worry pete, all perfectly normal even with your own kids. They're unpredictable, lost count of the number of headbutts my son has given me by being random.

    JK - TH is a big fibber, he's the perfect gent around other kids. A bit like a rabbit in the headlights but that's to be expected, we all are until we have our own.
  • THFourteen 24 Jul 2012 07:08:52 29,262 posts
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    Hey you're killing my street cred!
  • Trafford 24 Jul 2012 07:36:40 4,145 posts
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    I picked my 4 year up once. Heard his ankles crack as I was actually stood on his feet.

    That's all I can add as I shun other folks kids also.
  • ZuluHero 24 Jul 2012 08:51:24 2,621 posts
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    I have a good rule of thumb. If you don't fool around, then nobody gets hurt.

    Yes I am the life of every party.

    Edited by ZuluHero at 08:53:17 24-07-2012
  • THFourteen 24 Jul 2012 08:51:24 29,262 posts
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    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leicestershire-18963516

    now this child is awesome. if your children can do that i might think about holding it.
  • ZuluHero 24 Jul 2012 08:54:26 2,621 posts
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    THFourteen wrote:
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leicestershire-18963516

    now this child is awesome. if your children can do that i might think about holding it.
    /social services

    ;)
  • Dougs 24 Jul 2012 09:29:38 59,475 posts
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    ZuluHero wrote:
    I have a good rule of thumb. If you don't fool around, then nobody gets hurt.

    Yes I am the life of every party.
    Booooooo! Where are your pipe and slippers grandad!
  • nickthegun 24 Jul 2012 09:49:51 45,269 posts
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    Dougs wrote:
    They're unpredictable, lost count of the number of headbutts my son has given me by being random.
    If/when we decide to have another child, its going to take a lot longer thanks to my daughters uncanny knack of getting me square in the balls every time she comes near me.

    ---------------------------------------------------------
    AGP.SRPT

  • Aargh. 24 Jul 2012 09:54:09 11,346 posts
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    My GF keeps doing that.

    I don't complain.

    Edited by Aargh. at 09:54:29 24-07-2012
  • Ginger 24 Jul 2012 10:02:11 6,749 posts
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    nickthegun wrote:
    Dougs wrote:
    They're unpredictable, lost count of the number of headbutts my son has given me by being random.
    If/when we decide to have another child, its going to take a lot longer thanks to my daughters uncanny knack of getting me square in the balls every time she comes near me.
    My son has started that - head down, charge at varying speed, headbutt :(

    London open taekwondo champion

  • Dougs 24 Jul 2012 10:04:23 59,475 posts
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    Yep, even just standing on you, they always manage to find a way to kick you in the knackers
  • Deckard1 24 Jul 2012 10:05:52 19,156 posts
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    Stop wearing pants around the house. He'll soon stop.
  • Chopsen 24 Jul 2012 10:11:46 13,794 posts
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    "My child kept running in to my groin, so I took my pants off..."

    Try selling that one to social services.

    Thanks for expressing interest in my signature!

  • JuanKerr 24 Jul 2012 10:13:17 35,501 posts
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    THFourteen wrote:
    dogs are entertaining. heh, all the funny capers he gets up to.
    Can't argue with that - dogs are brilliant!
  • mrpon 24 Jul 2012 10:15:04 24,432 posts
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    Deckard1 wrote:
    Stop wearing pants around the house. He'll soon stop.
    Yay a swingrope.

    No thanks.

    Give yourself ½ gig or a £, you're worth it.

  • KD 24 Jul 2012 10:16:45 500 posts
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    I read the thread title as Hunting other people's children and started to worry
  • Salaman 24 Jul 2012 10:20:44 16,741 posts
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    I must've been lucky then. Mine's nearly 3. So far she's often got her knees/elbows/head/feet on or near the goods but she never really manage to hit square on.

    Oh shit I've probably jinxed it now. Next time she's over I'll be doubled over, crying and puking no doubt.

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