Hurting other people's children Page 2

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  • smoothpete 23 Jul 2012 15:46:50 31,577 posts
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    Haha, just remembered when I threw a frisbee for my mate's dog as a kid rode past on a bike. The frisbee was headed right for the bike, the dog jumped to catch it and totally took the kid the fuck out. Had to really try not to laugh, the timing was just perfect.
  • Razz 23 Jul 2012 15:50:56 61,395 posts
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    MetalDog wrote:
    Boab wrote:
    I put a mates wee lassie on my shoulders and ran her into a doorframe.
    I did this to my nephew once.

    Sorry nephew!
    I'm my case they hit their heads on the ceiling. Twice, wit hthe same kid. Won;t let me pick him up any more :/

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    Steam/PSN/XBOX: Razztafarai | 3DS: 1246-9674-8856
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  • Stickman 23 Jul 2012 15:54:54 29,666 posts
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    I sidestep this whole issue by stoicly having nothing to do with other people's kids. It's bad enough I have to amuse my own, fucked if I'm doing anyone else's shift.

    THIS SPACE FOR RENT

  • THFourteen 23 Jul 2012 15:55:16 33,855 posts
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    Stickman wrote:
    I sidestep this whole issue by stoicly having nothing to do with other people's kids. It's bad enough I have to amuse my own, fucked if I'm doing anyone else's shift.
    +1

    get those greasy annoying motherfuckers away from me
  • billythekid 23 Jul 2012 16:02:00 11,200 posts
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    THFourteen wrote:
    Stickman wrote:
    I sidestep this whole issue by stoicly having nothing to do with other people's kids. It's bad enough I have to amuse my own, fucked if I'm doing anyone else's shift.
    +1

    get those greasy annoying motherfuckers away from me
    :)

    "Please keep your child away from me, it's covered in snot and chocolate and I do not want to cuddle or play with it. No it isn't cute at all."
  • elstoof 23 Jul 2012 16:03:02 7,747 posts
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    neilka wrote:
    Has anyone ever killed someone else's child? Should I start a separate thread for that?
    Use the Maddie thread.
  • SolidSCB 23 Jul 2012 16:03:30 6,915 posts
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    Worst one for me was carrying my niece on my shoulders. She decided to begin gouging at my eyes with her fingers and I had no choice but to let go of her and get her fingers out of my eyesockets before she scooped my eyeballs clean out of my face. In my temporary blindness I just heard a massive thud as she fell to the floor like a ton of bricks. Still felt like a massive cock even though I was saving myself from having no eyesight for the rest of my life.
  • RedSparrows 23 Jul 2012 16:06:34 23,305 posts
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    Deckard1 wrote:
    Oh those inverted commas cut me deep sparrows.
    'sorry'
  • RedSparrows 23 Jul 2012 16:08:06 23,305 posts
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    MetalDog wrote:
    Boab wrote:
    I put a mates wee lassie on my shoulders and ran her into a doorframe.
    I did this to my nephew once.

    Sorry nephew!
    I did it to a girlfriend once, albeit holding her in my arms a la wedding day than shoulders.

    I pissed myself.
  • smoothpete 23 Jul 2012 16:08:42 31,577 posts
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    Razz wrote:
    MetalDog wrote:
    Boab wrote:
    I put a mates wee lassie on my shoulders and ran her into a doorframe.
    I did this to my nephew once.

    Sorry nephew!
    I'm my case they hit their heads on the ceiling. Twice, wit hthe same kid. Won;t let me pick him up any more :/
    Next time see if you can pick him up under a ceiling fan for extra lols
  • Deckard1 23 Jul 2012 16:11:06 28,738 posts
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    'Great' story 'Red' Sparrow you 'prick'
  • THFourteen 23 Jul 2012 16:11:50 33,855 posts
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    billythekid wrote:
    "Please keep your child away from me, it's covered in snot and chocolate and I do not want to cuddle or play with it. No it isn't cute at all."
    they are cute enough from afar... definitely dont want em near me though. i'm usually wearing clean clothes.

    plus they'll make you play some inane game like throwing or catching a ball or making lumps of unrecognisable shit out of playdough when you could be doing something constructive, like watching south park or playing fifa
  • billythekid 23 Jul 2012 16:14:37 11,200 posts
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    THFourteen wrote:
    billythekid wrote:
    "Please keep your child away from me, it's covered in snot and chocolate and I do not want to cuddle or play with it. No it isn't cute at all."
    they are cute enough from afar... definitely dont want em near me though. i'm usually wearing clean clothes.

    plus they'll make you play some inane game like throwing or catching a ball or making lumps of unrecognisable shit out of playdough when you could be doing something constructive, like watching south park or playing fifa
    People always look at me funny when a new baby gets handed round and I say I don't actually want to hold it!
    I don't want sick, snot, piss or shit on me. Plus I wouldn't want to drop it.
  • JuanKerr 23 Jul 2012 16:16:13 36,315 posts
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    THFourteen wrote:
    plus they'll make you play some inane game like throwing or catching a ball or making lumps of unrecognisable shit out of playdough when you could be doing something constructive, like watching south park or playing fifa
    Given the choice, I'd go for the throwing and catching option every time.
  • RedSparrows 23 Jul 2012 16:16:36 23,305 posts
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    Deckard1 wrote:
    'Great' story 'Red' Sparrow you 'prick'
    'ta'
  • THFourteen 23 Jul 2012 16:17:52 33,855 posts
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    billythekid wrote:People always look at me funny when a new baby gets handed round and I say I don't actually want to hold it!
    I don't want sick, snot, piss or shit on me. Plus I wouldn't want to drop it.
    I get exactly the same thing. And they all think its hilarious to hand me the baby and then sit around giggling "oh look at his face he hasn't got a clue what to do"

    how would you like it if i threw your dopey little shit machine out the window? is that something i should do?

    take it back god damn it take it back!
  • RabidChild 23 Jul 2012 16:18:39 2,292 posts
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    L_Franko wrote:
    I keep reading Hurting as Hunting for some reason.

    I am going on Holiday with the family in September and my two nephews are coming (first is just over a year and the second just under) and I fear that I might end up in a position similar to Pete's after I've had a few.
    Mainly becuase the oldest keeps wanting me to pick him up any chance he gets.
    I went on holiday with my family when my nephew was about 2. We had a villa with a roof terrace, and I held him up to see a passing cargo ship (a meter or two back from the wall). He decided to plant his feet firmly in my chest and try and launch himself over the top, two stories up. I managed to keep hold of his arm, thankfully. My sister doesn't know about that. Nearly a Michael Jackson moment (by which I mean dangling a kid over a balcony rather than, y'know, messing with them).

    Another time, I had just come out of hospital after several fairly major operations and MRSA infection. I was left pretty anaemic and generally weak. At the time I was looking for a house to buy, so got the bus down to the local estate agents to have a look. As I stood up to exit the bus, I totally blacked out and landed on a baby in a pram. When I came to the mother was (understandably) going ape shit at me. The baby was fine, somehow (despite me being 2m tall and weighing 100+ kgs and apparently landing entirely on the pram). I felt *terrible* about it.
  • JuanKerr 23 Jul 2012 16:24:43 36,315 posts
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    THFourteen wrote:
    I get exactly the same thing. And they all think its hilarious to hand me the baby and then sit around giggling "oh look at his face he hasn't got a clue what to do"

    how would you like it if i threw your dopey little shit machine out the window? is that something i should do?

    take it back god damn it take it back!
    Sounds like you've got issues. Don't any of your friends have kids? If so, do you continue acting like a bell end around them as well?
  • MetalDog 23 Jul 2012 16:25:28 23,736 posts
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    billythekid wrote:
    People always look at me funny when a new baby gets handed round and I say I don't actually want to hold it!
    I don't want sick, snot, piss or shit on me. Plus I wouldn't want to drop it.
    It's even worse when you're female and don't want to hold a baby. They look at you like you're Moira Hindley.

    Kids are alright once they're old enough to talk. In small doses. Babies - meh. They all look the same, can't do anything interesting and they seem awfully fragile - don't pass it to me.

    -- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.

  • neilka 23 Jul 2012 16:26:55 16,256 posts
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    elstoof wrote:
    neilka wrote:
    Has anyone ever killed someone else's child? Should I start a separate thread for that?
    Use the Maddie thread.
    I'm not falling for that again.
  • Rusty_M 23 Jul 2012 16:30:36 4,764 posts
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    I shouldn't read this thread at work. Trying to keep the laughs from being audible isn't easy.

    When on holiday once, I went down a flume standing up. It was a small open-topped one that fed into the main pool. My upright stance meant I flew further into the pool than normal and my forearm smacked some poor little girl in the head.

    I felt really bad. It was one of those slow-motion moments when you can see what's about to happen but it's too late to do anything.

    The world is going mad. Me? I'm doing fine.

  • Psychotext 23 Jul 2012 16:32:12 54,398 posts
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    THFourteen wrote:
    I get exactly the same thing. And they all think its hilarious to hand me the baby and then sit around giggling "oh look at his face he hasn't got a clue what to do"

    how would you like it if i threw your dopey little shit machine out the window? is that something i should do?

    take it back god damn it take it back!
    I'm with you buddy, ignore anyone who says you're wrong. \o/

    Congratulations, you made a sprog... I'm not in the slightest bit interested, and no, I don't want to see your photos either.

    ...and especially not those Christmas cards with pictures of your kid on either.
  • hypoBla5t 23 Jul 2012 16:38:29 1,451 posts
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    elstoof wrote:
    neilka wrote:
    Has anyone ever killed someone else's child? Should I start a separate thread for that?
    Use the Maddie thread.
    That one's for killing your OWN child mate.
  • THFourteen 23 Jul 2012 16:40:48 33,855 posts
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    JuanKerr wrote:
    THFourteen wrote:
    I get exactly the same thing. And they all think its hilarious to hand me the baby and then sit around giggling "oh look at his face he hasn't got a clue what to do"

    how would you like it if i threw your dopey little shit machine out the window? is that something i should do?

    take it back god damn it take it back!
    Sounds like you've got issues. Don't any of your friends have kids? If so, do you continue acting like a bell end around them as well?
    Depends if by "acting like a bell end" you mean do i actually throw them out of the window, in which case the answer is obviously no, and you probably need to consult a self-help book regarding not believing everything you read.

    A few of my friends have children, more of my mrs' friends have children. I barely ever see those children though seeing as I only ever see friends at work, football or in the pub.

    Ocassionally we will have to make specific trips to visit x y or z who have just had a new baby, but i try and get out of it.
  • Oh-Bollox 23 Jul 2012 16:48:57 5,327 posts
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    MetalDog wrote:
    They look at you like you're Moira Hindley.
    The Irish child-murdering lead singer of The Corrs?
  • JuanKerr 23 Jul 2012 16:55:41 36,315 posts
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    THFourteen wrote:
    Ocassionally we will have to make specific trips to visit x y or z who have just had a new baby, but i try and get out of it.
    This is what I meant by "acting like a bell end".
  • RedSparrows 23 Jul 2012 16:57:25 23,305 posts
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    I'm not comfortable with kids, and I don't like it when people present you with a baby and then make a mockery of the whole scenario (not that my family ever do that).

    But I still play along. I'm just not good at it, and I don't think I will be until I have my own child, I hope/suspect.
  • Deckard1 23 Jul 2012 16:59:52 28,738 posts
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    That and the fact that you're a massive massive paedophile.
  • THFourteen 23 Jul 2012 17:33:11 33,855 posts
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    JuanKerr wrote:
    THFourteen wrote:
    Ocassionally we will have to make specific trips to visit x y or z who have just had a new baby, but i try and get out of it.
    This is what I meant by "acting like a bell end".
    hey i'm not some kind of dickhead, i am good with dogs. My mate has a dog and whenever i visit i end up playing with him all the time.

    dogs are entertaining. heh, all the funny capers he gets up to.
  • Rusty_M 23 Jul 2012 17:37:58 4,764 posts
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    I don't think I've ever held, or been asked to hold, a baby. That either says something about me or about what those around me think of me.

    The world is going mad. Me? I'm doing fine.

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