Hurting other people's children

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  • smoothpete 23 Jul 2012 15:00:46 31,501 posts
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    By accident I mean. I'm sure we've all done it. We had some friends over last week with their two boys, I went up into the loft to see if I had any cartoons on DVD. I could hear the little one (like, I dunno, two and a half years old) saying "pete where are you? Pete what are you doing" and it was getting louder so I had a look down the hatch and the little fucker was nearly all the way up the rickety loft ladder. It was a real "OMFG I've killed my friends kid" moment. I managed to grab his arm but it could have been bad.

    Then about 5 minutes later he was using me as a climbing frame, lost his balance, and twatted his face onto my forehead. It hurt me so god knows what it felt like from his point of view. Think he bashed me with his nose and teeth..

    I can think of tons more times when I've brained various friends' kids. Falling over pissed at a wedding while dancing with my niece, giving my nephew a piggyback (pissed) and face-planting us both onto a tiled floor. That one was pretty nasty actually
  • neilka 23 Jul 2012 15:03:34 15,861 posts
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    Shouldn't this be in the Wii category?

    A map is like comparing velocity and speed.

  • RedSparrows 23 Jul 2012 15:03:37 22,334 posts
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    Paging Deckard 'joke' to thread...
  • JuanKerr 23 Jul 2012 15:04:37 36,241 posts
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    In summary: you're a drunken child abuser.
  • Deckard1 23 Jul 2012 15:08:35 27,770 posts
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    Oh those inverted commas cut me deep sparrows.

    Hush you ponce

  • smoothpete 23 Jul 2012 15:08:56 31,501 posts
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    I prefer "child character building operative"
  • Salaman 23 Jul 2012 15:10:05 18,960 posts
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    Everyone is different when they're drunk. Some get violent, others emotional ... and then there's Smoothpete. Turns into the coolest uncle ever for a few minutes. Just as long as it takes to faceplant a niece/cousin.

    I don't remember damaging too many little ones myself. Closest I can remember was a baby that loved to do that "fling itself backwards when in your arms" thing. That nearly went off my lap onto the floor but I caught him in time.
  • mrpon 23 Jul 2012 15:10:12 28,781 posts
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    Give yourself £5 or ½ gig, you're worth it.

  • repairmanjack 23 Jul 2012 15:13:39 6,024 posts
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    Pete, you could easily be a child-minder with those qualifications.

    (The last one we had locked my kid in her car in the middle of the city and went shopping, leaving my six-year-old with an eighteen month baby to care for. She was "highly recommended" by the local council.)

    Don't think the police ever found that witch's body.
  • Load_2.0 23 Jul 2012 15:14:00 19,157 posts
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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLaDJTya0YI
  • Deleted user 23 July 2012 15:14:50
    I put a mates wee lassie on my shoulders and ran her into a doorframe.
  • Blerk Moderator 23 Jul 2012 15:17:10 48,225 posts
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    I was at a school open day and a little girl in my daughter's class came running past me at some speed. As she did, her hair somehow got caught in the button on my coat and because her hair was quite long and I'm obviously a lot heavier she managed about another foot before being yanked backwards with some force. And losing a chunk of hair in the process.

    I felt terrible and went to pick her up, but she was screaming and looking at me as if I was a child molester, her parents looked like they wanted to press charges despite my profuse apologies for something that wasn't even my fault. Exit stage left! Taxi!
  • DaM 23 Jul 2012 15:17:56 12,996 posts
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    I took 5 8 yr old boys to the park recently. A football ended up in a river, and I was comforting the boy who had kicked it in, and the one who had lost the football (my boy), when I heard a shout and looked up, and saw one of the little buggers on the other side of the river. I ran up to see how he had got over, when he said "Thingy (as we'll call him) fell in the river, he's a bit wet". I went round the corner, expecting to see Thingy up to his ankles (it didn't look deep, but found him up to his neck, hanging from a branch, pleading "Help me" through his shivers....

    As my son wrote in his writing homework "My Dad said some swear words when Thingy fell in the river".

    His mother apologised profusely, as it must have been his fault :)
  • cheeky_prawnking 23 Jul 2012 15:18:39 4,473 posts
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    I once accidently shut a car door on my girlfriends youngest daughter
  • billythekid 23 Jul 2012 15:19:28 11,109 posts
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    Boab wrote:
    I put a mates wee lassie on my shoulders and ran her into a doorframe.
    :D
  • cheeky_prawnking 23 Jul 2012 15:21:19 4,473 posts
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    Her fingers not the whole child.
  • mrpon 23 Jul 2012 15:21:31 28,781 posts
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    DaM wrote:
    I took 5 8 yr old boys to the park recently. A football ended up in a river, and I was comforting the boy who had kicked it in, and the one who had lost the football (my boy), when I heard a shout and looked up, and saw one of the little buggers on the other side of the river. I ran up to see how he had got over, when he said "Thingy (as we'll call him) fell in the river, he's a bit wet". I went round the corner, expecting to see Thingy up to his ankles (it didn't look deep, but found him up to his neck, hanging from a branch, pleading "Help me" through his shivers....

    As my son wrote in his writing homework "My Dad said some swear words when Thingy fell in the river".

    His mother apologised profusely, as it must have been his fault :)
    :D /tears

    Give yourself £5 or ½ gig, you're worth it.

  • Blerk Moderator 23 Jul 2012 15:21:51 48,225 posts
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    cheeky_prawnking wrote:
    Her fingers not the whole child.
    That would've been a lot more impressive!
  • sport 23 Jul 2012 15:21:57 12,700 posts
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    @DaM - did you give them some matches and bottle of petrol to play with afterwards? ;-D
  • JuanKerr 23 Jul 2012 15:22:39 36,241 posts
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    cheeky_prawnking wrote:
    Her fingers not the whole child.
    I was just about to ask for clarification :)
  • Alastair 23 Jul 2012 15:23:12 15,609 posts
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    What happened to the football?

    Not as nice as I used to be

  • glaeken 23 Jul 2012 15:25:16 11,144 posts
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    Not quite the same but when I was a kid I had a bad habit of hurting other kids by accident. I can think of about 5-6 cases where other kids need hospital treatment due to something I had done. It was never malicious on my part just kids had a habit of getting in the way of things that I set in motion e.g. breeze blocks, canes, go karts, tree’s etc.

    Luckily since becoming an adult I have put my kid mangling ways behind me.
  • L_Franko Moderator 23 Jul 2012 15:25:51 9,694 posts
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    I keep reading Hurting as Hunting for some reason.

    I am going on Holiday with the family in September and my two nephews are coming (first is just over a year and the second just under) and I fear that I might end up in a position similar to Pete's after I've had a few.
    Mainly becuase the oldest keeps wanting me to pick him up any chance he gets.
  • cheeky_prawnking 23 Jul 2012 15:26:51 4,473 posts
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    JuanKerr wrote:
    cheeky_prawnking wrote:
    Her fingers not the whole child.
    I was just about to ask for clarification :)
    Story became slightly disappointing really.
  • MetalDog 23 Jul 2012 15:28:14 23,697 posts
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    Boab wrote:
    I put a mates wee lassie on my shoulders and ran her into a doorframe.
    I did this to my nephew once.

    Sorry nephew!

    -- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.

  • Deckard1 23 Jul 2012 15:30:51 27,770 posts
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    I picked my nephew up by the underpants once when he was little. It even made a comedy wedgie sound. I was kind of drunk and he cried quite a lot. I felt guilty at the time, but looking back I can't say I really regret it.

    Hush you ponce

  • JuanKerr 23 Jul 2012 15:30:55 36,241 posts
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    I friend of mine ran into a person on a bike who had her toddler in one of those child seats on the back. I threw the frisbee he was running to catch, so I take some of the blame.

    It was a sickening moment when the rider and kid smacked into the ground. Amazingly, no real harm was done.

    Edited by JuanKerr at 15:31:52 23-07-2012
  • Deleted user 23 July 2012 15:45:38
    I don't think "the kid was pursuing me, honest" holds up well in court Pete.
  • neilka 23 Jul 2012 15:46:13 15,861 posts
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    Has anyone ever killed someone else's child? Should I start a separate thread for that?

    A map is like comparing velocity and speed.

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