|@carbon - if you sent it, it'll be sitting on my desktop at home waiting for my attention, cheers!|
-- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.
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On the subject:|
@Techno, Send me that draft. My spam account is heavy + myusernameforthis'eresite at hotmail dots com.
I guess that goes for everyone else. I've got a reasonably good eye for plot holes 'though I can get bogged down in things that other people probably don't find much of an issue.
First drafts of 'First Contact' sent to MD and MF. If anyone else wants to take a look just let me know.|
I'm still looking for a decent title for it as well, the best I have so far is "The Long Arm of Orion"
And a big thanks to everyone who's provided feedback, I find it a big help.
Edited by TechnoHippy at 19:46:27 26-06-2012
Metalfish wrote:My take you up on that offer if it's ok?
|Sure, if you can decode my complex email instructions.|
Side note, I got given an invite to Fictionaut, a social network of sorts for wannabe writers. Almost like a Flickr/500px for writing, where peers can read and comment on stuff you want to submit (and of course you can comment on the work of others).|
May be worth a look for some here
@TechnoHippy - ok, up to chapter 35 and while I'm still enjoying it, I am finding myself with a few believability issues:|
Like why would a private company like the LMC attack the most powerful nation on Earth?! Is the trade worth a risk that big? Surely they realised that WW3 would be a risk? All for a big payday with the aliens (I know it is more than that now, but profit was the original motive)
And the LMC attack on the Chinese base, initially (this may be resolved later) no one know who carried it out. If it is that easy to stealth attack by just shooting big guns from a long way away, why were the Chinese messing about earlier with manoeuvring asteroids and using those big stealth sheets?!
Metalfish wrote:Copy sent, thanks!
Carbon_Altered wrote:Although totally messed up the first attempt! Should be with you now, but if the content is blank, let me know and I'l bang my sausage fingers against the keyboard some more
Edited by Carbon_Altered at 22:01:02 28-06-2012
Thanks, more good feedback.
I need to do a better job explaining why the LMC basically declare war:
- They are being used as a proxy for the US and EU to limit Chinese (Asian Alliance) power.
- They also provide political cover for the LMC at the UN
- While the Chinese are the most powerful nation on Earth, the LMC are even more dominant in space.
- Michael doesn't believe the UN will be able to complete the trade, so he thinks only he can successfully carry out the contact
- He wants to meet the aliens!
- He also wants revenge
As for the different approaches it stems partly from a difference in modes of operation. The national agencies evolved for the most part from the national air forces, so maintained the fighter and drone mentality. Although the impending arrival of the alien ship changed that thinking.
The LMC (and other private enterprise) are essentially bulk transport fleets, so it made more sense for them to take the armed merchant approach (as seen throughout naval history). For the specific attacks the CHinese were trying to cover their tracks, the LMC weren't. Also the LMC has the bigger guns in this instance, 155mm versus the smaller calibres on the Chinese vessel (even Paladin only has the lighter calibre railguns). This means that a long range bombardment is much more effective.
|Files received. Will read through when I get the chance.|
@TechnoHippy - thanks for the explanation, all makes sense, but perhaps just needs conveying a bit more in the text. You mentioned before that you intend to seperate out the Africa endevour into a different book (good idea) so maybe replace it with more explanation of the LMC and what it is capable of / why it does it. |
Got up to chapter 38 now and have found the last few chapters really exciting - love Hui's deception (although that the UN base wasn't shielded against EMP, but they could protect the Chinese shuttles by wrapping them in a special absorbing material seemed a little odd. Maybe it was the fact that the shuttles were largely shut down, so systems couldn't be damaged if they're not turned on?). The stroy is building really nicely, ready for a dramatic confrontation at Mars. Wouldn't blame the aliens for going "sod this, we're off" !
@TechnoHippy - ok, end of week report. Into the early 40's chapter wise now and the kindle is showing I'm 95% there. Which is a shame as (a) I'm enjoying it and (b) we haven't met the aliens yet. My worry is that you'll end it just as they turn up (although that could work well) or there'll be some cool twist. |
The LMC verses China space battle is done well, it's edge of the seat stuff. However, I think it would be more dramatic if the reader knew some of the people on the LMC armed freighter that got damaged during the attack on the base and destroyed by Paladin (other than that, the chase was very good). At the moment it's a bit like they were the "red shirts" from Star Trek!
Edited by Carbon_Altered at 21:23:30 30-06-2012
I spotted a typo in "the faded logo of some log forgotten engineering " - I assume you meant 'long'?
Sorry I appear to be still in proof-reading mode You don't need the comma in "painfully empty, stomach".
Double 'had' in "no one had had meat for months".
Typo in "and in the time that let the clearing free" - should be 'left'?
I wasn't sure about the sudden leap forward in time at first, but you blend the gap well in the narrative. So I was wrong
Nice twist with the attack.
@TechnoHippy - thanks Techno, you're spot on with all the typo spots there and it is much appreciated as I have a fairly poor eye for proof reading!|
Glad you didn't end up disliking the jump forward. Especially as this is where I hope the majority of the book will be written
@TechnoHippy - So I finished First Contact this morning. It was a neat ending, but felt a little abrupt. I don't think that would be hard to sort out though. IMO you could make the final battle with Paladin a bit more detailed/dramatic. At the moment it is "form plan-execute plan-plan works-sorted" which I think could be legnthened a bit given how well you wrote the other parts of space action. After that you could give a quick over view of what a mess humanity is in as the aliens arrive, just to set the scene for the alien transmission. |
Speaking of which, I liked the transmission as an ending, but would maybe reorder it slightly. If I understood it correctly, the first para of that chapter was the aliens basically saying "tech trade ready to go, but we don't really see the point in maintaining contact". Then it goes on to describing their view of humans. I reckon it would have more of an impact if it started by describing the humans then concluded with the fact that the aliens don't want to hang around, so will move on to the next target.
One final aspect of pedantry, it says the alien ship is called "Orion's Fire" but isn't Orion a human construct? They wouldn't call the star system or god the same thing would they?
Overall, a really good read. Love the premise - tackling the alien contact story from a different angle. The setting made sense, and the tension built nicely throughout the book. I think some of the characters could have been developed more and some of the action sequences done in more detail. A top first draft though. You have similar plans with this like you do for "Cult of me" ?
Excellent, I'm pleased you made it to the end. I do plan on developing this further. I'm hoping to collate more feedback before the next rewrite, although that will probably be early next year as I want to get The Cult of Me finished and take part in November's Nano.
The Orion's Fire is a human translation of the ship's name.
Anyway, thanks for reading it through and for the feedback it'll definitely help me on the rewrite.
Just a quick word to those who sent me their drafts a) they have been received. b) They might have to wait until I finish Game of Thrones which might take a week or two.|
Chains continues after more or less being ignored for a few months and being fairly neglected for a long while before that. I'm being a little bit nasty to some of my characters....
|Good good. I intend to do it properly, but you know what us wannabe writers are like.|