Off to the GUM clinic in half an hour

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  • Benno 12 Apr 2011 15:35:40 10,034 posts
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    So me and the mrs want to lose the condom and we both agreed to get tested for nasties first

    Theres no indication I have anything, but you never know do you! I've never been to the GUM clinic before, and I am just gonna get the full works

    Do they still put swabs down your cock? Can't say I am looking forward to that... The woman on the phone this morning said I couldn't have a piss within 4 hours of the appoitment which is a bit much, i'd just had a pint of water with my lunch which is now dying to come out. Dunno if I can hold it in for another hour or so, I hope I dont piss on my examiner's face :(

    :S
  • FWB 12 Apr 2011 15:36:39 44,839 posts
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    Nope. If you have no history of anything it's a piss and blood test. That's it. No fondling down there. Don't worry about the no pissing. It's just so you have a bit to give in a tiny jar. I went to the toilet while I was waiting there.
  • nickthegun 12 Apr 2011 15:36:59 60,483 posts
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    Yeah. They shove it right up your herman gelmet.

    ---------------------------------------------------------
    My man gives real loving that's why I call him Killer
    He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller

  • Deleted user 12 April 2011 15:37:24
    They don't swab your cock at all anymore.
  • Deleted user 12 April 2011 15:37:37
    Or do they?
  • AaronTurner 12 Apr 2011 15:37:38 7,785 posts
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    Have fun holding that in then. Yes they do swab you and it's not pleasant, it's not sore but it's uncomfortable.
  • billythekid 12 Apr 2011 15:38:00 11,200 posts
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    No metal umbrella thing anymore?
  • FWB 12 Apr 2011 15:38:30 44,839 posts
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    If they find something you're in for a right treat though.
  • AaronTurner 12 Apr 2011 15:39:27 7,785 posts
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    I thought the reason you don't piss is so that any infection has enough time to show up in the urine, if you take a piss now then your next lot of urine won't be sitting in the infected parts long enough to show signs under examination.
  • Benno 12 Apr 2011 15:41:28 10,034 posts
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    SHOULD I PISS NOW OR NOT? caps necessary
  • mrpon 12 Apr 2011 15:41:40 29,191 posts
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    Question is, have you been fastidious?

    Give yourself 5 or gig, you're worth it.

  • Benno 12 Apr 2011 15:41:56 10,034 posts
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    fuck it... enduring
  • Psychotext 12 Apr 2011 15:42:08 54,401 posts
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    No. Though I ended up needing to because I was in the queue for so damn long. Just ask them for a cup if you need to. Get it out of the way.

    If you need to go when they stick a cotton swab in you, it's going to hurt, and you may end up pissing all over the walls / ceiling...

    \o/
  • AaronTurner 12 Apr 2011 15:42:30 7,785 posts
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    If you piss now you'll clean out your pipes and it'll be hard for them to see an infection.
  • FWB 12 Apr 2011 15:42:31 44,839 posts
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    Piss in your pocket. Can hand it in later if the fresh piss is not good enough.
  • Deleted user 12 April 2011 15:43:11
    Piss it into a flask.
  • CosmicFuzz 12 Apr 2011 15:44:19 24,895 posts
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    Yeah, don't piss whilst waiting, you'll flush out all the nasty stuff.

    Also, they do still swab your cock, or they did a couple of years ago. Piss, swab, blood. Takes ten minutes. The swab doesn't hurt (split second of pain, that's it). No metal umbrella, grappling hook. No idea what happens if they find anything though.

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  • Syrette 12 Apr 2011 15:44:23 43,771 posts
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    Don't get too excited when they do the swabbing.

  • Benno 12 Apr 2011 15:45:12 10,034 posts
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    how long does it take before you get the results back?
  • Deleted user 12 April 2011 15:45:28
    They put a cocktail umbrella down your ole chap and launch the fucker. Indoors too, but I guess by that point the bad luck has already occurred.

    Until you test positive for flesh eating penile bacteria disease.
  • FWB 12 Apr 2011 15:45:41 44,839 posts
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    They don't swab. Didn't when I went last year.

    Two weeks to get results. They'll call if they find anything.
  • AaronTurner 12 Apr 2011 15:45:47 7,785 posts
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    Don't piss before they swab either I think, you'll flush out the crap they want to swab.
  • AaronTurner 12 Apr 2011 15:46:06 7,785 posts
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    They did when I went last year.
  • CosmicFuzz 12 Apr 2011 15:46:09 24,895 posts
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    They say 2 weeks, took a week I think. Some automated computed voice goes through each disease and says POSITIVE or NEGATIVE for each one.

    Looking for a new video game podcast? Try ours! (And give us a rating on iTunes!) :)

  • AaronTurner 12 Apr 2011 15:46:35 7,785 posts
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    To be fair though, I was naughty so maybe if you don't have symptoms then they don't swab.
  • mrpon 12 Apr 2011 15:47:06 29,191 posts
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    CosmicFuzz wrote:
    They say 2 weeks, took a week I think. Some automated computed voice goes through each disease and says POSITIVE or NEGATIVE for each one.
    Alphabetically I hope! Get the scary one outta the way.

    Yes I know it begins with H

    Give yourself 5 or gig, you're worth it.

  • FWB 12 Apr 2011 15:47:32 44,839 posts
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    AaronTurner wrote:
    To be fair though, I was naughty so maybe if you don't have symptoms then they don't swab.

    That's what I said before. If you go in with complaints you will get the once over. If it's just a regular check, then they won't.
  • CosmicFuzz 12 Apr 2011 15:47:35 24,895 posts
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    Hey! I had nothing at all and they still swabbed, you man whore ;)

    Looking for a new video game podcast? Try ours! (And give us a rating on iTunes!) :)

  • Grunk 12 Apr 2011 15:48:21 4,718 posts
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    Have you got any "good material" for when you need to give the sample?

    If not I suggest you go out and buy some, IF they have any it'll probably be dated from the 70's and it hard enough performing the shuffle in a clinical environment with someone watching and only a faded hairy bush for support.
  • localnotail 12 Apr 2011 15:48:53 23,093 posts
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    Well done. They do sometimes swab you but it's not too bad. Like a cotton bud swirled around the opening.

    It can take up to 14 days to get all results back, usually sooner. Most clinics only call you back if you have a positive result, although you can ask them to meet you again to give you results if you want.

    edits: wow a sudden rush of sensible answers made this post utterly irrelevant. You must all be much more bored than me.

    A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

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