The Daily Mash Page 2

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  • Murbs 24 Sep 2010 14:43:28 22,858 posts
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    deathgibbon wrote:
    :D

    :D

    Organisers had feared mass indifference to the world's most irrelevant sporting spectacular but now anticipate record figures based on the treacherous state of the multi-hundred pound facilities.
  • Oh-Bollox 26 Sep 2010 17:11:12 5,589 posts
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    “Fifty,” I say, all slow and deliberate. “Fifty. You seen the latest inflation report, you fucking cock holer? I’m up to my piss flaps in petrol prices and gas bills and you want fifty basis off? I’ve got the mad jocko on the phone every 15 minutes telling me to fucking uncrunch some credits or he’s going to string me up by my knob from the Monument and you want me to open my arse and let you pump it just because no tart in Britain wants to be seen dead in a pair of your minge mufflers anymore? You fucking fuck-butter. Fuck right off.”
  • TechnoHippy 14 Oct 2010 09:53:46 14,707 posts
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    Pope Congratulates Infected Porn Stars

    Vatican theologians have also claimed that in addition to the clear moral imperatives, the liberal media should support unprotected sex in the adult entertainment industry, insisting that porn condoms are a form of censorship.

    :-)
  • Dougs 15 Oct 2010 08:36:41 71,862 posts
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    Heh, just came in to post that. Pure genius.
  • Dougs 15 Nov 2010 11:45:39 71,862 posts
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    Ireland to dance their way out of debt
  • StarchildHypocrethes 15 Nov 2010 12:05:08 27,526 posts
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    Gerry O'Flaherty, from County Wexford, said:
    "As soon as oi get to Boston oi'll do me little jig and they'll all throw their coins at me magical feet.

    "Oi'll send some home to me dear little mammy and then spend the rest on whiskey and Noraid."
    :D
  • TechnoHippy 9 Dec 2010 08:59:50 14,707 posts
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    Women doing their best
  • billythekid 9 Dec 2010 09:09:00 11,657 posts
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    Techno Hippy wrote:
    Women doing their best

    I'm contemplating whether it would be detrimental to my health if I were to forward that to the lovely ladies in the office :)
  • thrawn 9 Dec 2010 09:45:36 898 posts
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    "They have some really good qualities as workers and, excluding 'angry week', are more agreeable than men, despite struggling to comprehend most types of joke."

    Angry week :D
  • TechnoHippy 21 Jan 2011 11:06:14 14,707 posts
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    Goverment to deploy riot scouts

    Of course there's a risk involved, crowd control situations can be dangerous, especially if you're wearing shorts.

    :-)
  • Lexx87 21 Jan 2011 11:08:07 20,853 posts
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    Just bought the Daily Mash app :D It's great!
  • TechnoHippy 11 Feb 2011 13:45:14 14,707 posts
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    A few good ones today, but my favourite so far:

    Victory for common sense as clamper hung on a gibbet

    "The clamper, who had been blatantly unresponsive to my pleas to stop putting a clamp on my car, changed his tune and started to beg for his life in a typically dishonest, slippery sort of way.

    "He said he had kids but that's just something they're trained to say."
  • senso-ji 28 Apr 2011 22:21:41 6,368 posts
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    Middletons finally offended by Prince Philip


    Prince Philip then told the mother of the bride-to-be that he understood her grandfather was a coal miner before asking her if she is as dirty as he was.
  • TechnoHippy 18 Jul 2011 13:34:39 14,707 posts
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    Smoker wins at sport

    Last night Clarke finished off the packet of cigarettes that he used to be brilliant at golf before getting stuck into a long fat Cuban cigar like a goddamn Olympian superhero.

    Made me chuckle (and yes I am a filthy smoker) :-)
  • chopsen 26 Jul 2011 23:53:27 16,937 posts
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    many a true word spoken in jest.
  • TechnoHippy 10 Aug 2011 13:03:24 14,707 posts
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    Another good one today:

    Policing seems to work

    HAVING a gigantic number of policemen on the streets of London does seem to prevent riots, it emerged last night.

    A lot of people really like The Mentalist, actuallyThe bold experiment in public order was declared a success after thugs and looters realised there were 16,000 heavily armoured professionals, each carrying a big fuck-off stick with their name on it.
  • Immaterial 29 Sep 2011 09:30:54 1,755 posts
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    Apple stores covered in Jizz
  • smoothpete 29 Sep 2011 09:43:56 32,137 posts
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    "Details of the features and design of the new iPhone have yet to be released but many expect it to be a phone, for fuck's sake."
  • Genji 29 Sep 2011 09:45:53 19,682 posts
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    I've been reading this a lot more now that The Onion is behind a paywall. On average it's funnier, too.
  • Immaterial 29 Sep 2011 10:04:46 1,755 posts
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    It also has a nice mobile app if you want to buy them a pint.
  • Genji 29 Sep 2011 10:06:44 19,682 posts
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    I don't have a smartphone. But if I did, I would get that!
  • smoothpete 11 Nov 2011 10:29:41 32,137 posts
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    Murdoch tears hole in the fabric of honesty

    "Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “To give you some idea of the bullshit hole’s devastating power, I threw in a copy of the report into the Columbine massacre and it spat out a Glee DVD."

    "“It is an enormous anomaly, measuring over 6.8 on the 'Chinny-Reckon' scale.”"
  • Mr-Brett 2 Jan 2012 10:01:28 13,261 posts
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    Finally, I'd always wondered.
  • Metalfish 2 Jan 2012 11:45:17 8,935 posts
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    :D
  • chopsen 11 Jan 2012 15:23:10 16,937 posts
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    So, the Mash is moving towards a subscription model then?

    Thanks for being a frequent visitor to TheDailyMash.co.uk.

    You have viewed 7 of your 10 free premium pages this 30-day period. We're so glad you enjoy reading The Daily Mash. For full access, please purchase a monthly or annual subscription for as little as $1.99/month. It's quick and easy, and you'll get full access to a series of articles embedded with the secret code to understanding everything in the universe.

    To join, sign up below through Press+, the online subscription service for news websites.

    Fair enough, suppose. It is better written than any other humour website and I do visit it more often than pretty much everything apart from here and a handful of other sites.

    Probably wont pay though, cos I'm a tight bastard.
  • Lexx87 11 Jan 2012 15:24:23 20,853 posts
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    I've bought the iPhone app, I wonder if that will count.
  • Tom_Servo 11 Jan 2012 15:26:13 18,082 posts
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    It's not as good now anyway, IMHO. I probably would've stumped up the cash before, but not now.
  • Lexx87 11 Jan 2012 15:27:20 20,853 posts
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    app works as normal which is good, it does give me a chuckle from time to time.
  • Popzeus 11 Jan 2012 15:50:40 8,424 posts
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    It does still come up with the odd gem though. I liked "No-one in a hurry to get to Birmingham".

    Not paying for internet lols though, sod that.
  • andywilkie35 11 Jan 2012 16:54:37 5,338 posts
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    You mean I can pay for made up news? Good deal!

    Wait
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