Opening line for a grooms speech?

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  • gamingdave 4 Jun 2009 23:09:41 4,682 posts
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    Getting married very soon, and trying to finish of my speech. I've got the basics covered, and all the main serious bits sorted.

    But anyone got any cracking opening lines? Had a look online, but its the same old ones over and over.

    This being EG I am sure the majority will be totaly unaceptable, but post them anyway :)

    Cheers, and theres a box of Jaffa Cakes in the post if I end up using one.
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:10:56 89,383 posts
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    Post deleted
  • phAge 4 Jun 2009 23:11:24 25,233 posts
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    "I'm not much of a public speaker..."
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:12:06 89,383 posts
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    Post deleted
  • corimi 4 Jun 2009 23:12:21 1,310 posts
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    With the power of only sweeties, I secured the services of this fine young fellow...
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:12:53 89,383 posts
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    Post deleted
  • magicpanda 4 Jun 2009 23:13:53 14,629 posts
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    "AIDS obliges people to think of sex as having, possibly, the direst consequences: suicide. Or murder.”
  • Load_2.0 4 Jun 2009 23:14:02 25,855 posts
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    Oi cunts, listen up.
  • Deleted user 4 June 2009 23:14:20
    Alright, stop. Collaborate and listen.
  • Metalfish 4 Jun 2009 23:14:53 9,191 posts
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    Right. Lock the doors please.
  • phAge 4 Jun 2009 23:15:20 25,233 posts
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    Gremmi wrote:
    Alright, stop. HAMMERTIME!
    Surely?
  • FWB 4 Jun 2009 23:15:22 54,057 posts
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    Guess who will be getting some tonight?
  • TheSaint 4 Jun 2009 23:15:39 17,426 posts
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    Do you have a few minutes to talk about Jesus?
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:16:05 89,383 posts
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    Post deleted
  • boo 4 Jun 2009 23:16:27 13,352 posts
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    "They say a woman eventually turns into her mother...'

    /turn to Father of Bride

    "What's your Mrs like in the sack then?"
  • Load_2.0 4 Jun 2009 23:17:57 25,855 posts
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    Now the groom warned me, "keep it clean" so I did, now gaze upon my mighty cleansed wang you filthy harlots and strumpets, who amongst you shall be first to feast upon its mighty girth? You nana? You, five year old daughter of a fat woman I have not met before?
  • corimi 4 Jun 2009 23:20:14 1,310 posts
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    /Snort coke off table
    "Right, now that's the opening line done, who wants to send this ceremony INTO ORBIT?"
    /Cue balloons from roof, music and disco lights

    Expensive and illegal, but saves writing...
  • TheSaint 4 Jun 2009 23:23:08 17,426 posts
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    They say 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce let's hope this is third time lucky.
  • phAge 4 Jun 2009 23:31:33 25,233 posts
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    Dirtbox wrote:
    phAge wrote:
    Gremmi wrote:
    Alright, stop. HAMMERTIME!
    Surely?
    Where's my facepalm?
    Maybe Vanilla Ice has it?
  • Syrette 4 Jun 2009 23:32:23 49,332 posts
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    So what's the deal with airplane food
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:32:35 89,383 posts
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    Post deleted
  • Razz 4 Jun 2009 23:33:02 63,325 posts
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    "Tits! Huge stonking fuck off tits!"
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:33:37 89,383 posts
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    Post deleted
  • Syrette 4 Jun 2009 23:33:51 49,332 posts
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    I got some help for this speech from my friends on a popular computer games forum
  • the_dudefather 4 Jun 2009 23:36:02 10,492 posts
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    "I tried... I tried to tell them... But they wouldn't listen to me... Damn them... DAMN THEIR EYES! They didn't believe me... Strange creatures... The world in peril from unseen foes... The death... THE DARKNESS! Instead they jeered and threw me into this cursed marriage ... A place of empty souls and fevered thoughts... reeking of foetor and decay! Thinking me mad with delirium!

    The fools cast away their hopes of salvation by forcing me to marry this wench! MAY THE RATS EAT YOUR EYES! I am now lost to your cause!

    The Darkness comes! It will damn us all!"

    The start vomiting
  • BanjoMan 5 Jun 2009 07:12:48 13,692 posts
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    Thank you all for being here on this special day , as I hang my balls up for ever more.
  • CosmicFuzz 5 Jun 2009 07:16:01 32,057 posts
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    foreverafternothing wrote:
    So what's the deal with airplane food

    Hehe :)
  • CosmicFuzz 5 Jun 2009 07:21:20 32,057 posts
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    "Dear Children of the Holocaust... Oh sorry wrong speech."
  • Grunk 5 Jun 2009 07:41:12 4,717 posts
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    just say that you've been to jedi school, then have a look of concentration on your face for the next 3 minutes.
  • cubbymoore 5 Jun 2009 07:47:53 36,625 posts
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    "How long have we got before she passes out? Not her, the one in the cake."
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