Opening line for a grooms speech?

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  • gamingdave 4 Jun 2009 23:09:41 4,216 posts
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    Getting married very soon, and trying to finish of my speech. I've got the basics covered, and all the main serious bits sorted.

    But anyone got any cracking opening lines? Had a look online, but its the same old ones over and over.

    This being EG I am sure the majority will be totaly unaceptable, but post them anyway :)

    Cheers, and theres a box of Jaffa Cakes in the post if I end up using one.
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:10:56 77,686 posts
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    Take my wife, please.

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  • phAge 4 Jun 2009 23:11:24 24,346 posts
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    "I'm not much of a public speaker..."
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:12:06 77,686 posts
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    I love making speeches, me. Check this out...

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  • corimi 4 Jun 2009 23:12:21 1,311 posts
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    With the power of only sweeties, I secured the services of this fine young fellow...
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:12:53 77,686 posts
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    If you'd all like to throw your car keys into the bowl, I've got a fresh wife to swap.

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  • magicpanda 4 Jun 2009 23:13:53 13,338 posts
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    "AIDS obliges people to think of sex as having, possibly, the direst consequences: suicide. Or murder.
  • Load_2.0 4 Jun 2009 23:14:02 19,139 posts
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    Oi cunts, listen up.
  • Deleted user 4 June 2009 23:14:20
    Alright, stop. Collaborate and listen.
  • Metalfish 4 Jun 2009 23:14:53 8,818 posts
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    Right. Lock the doors please.
  • phAge 4 Jun 2009 23:15:20 24,346 posts
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    Gremmi wrote:
    Alright, stop. HAMMERTIME!
    Surely?
  • FWB 4 Jun 2009 23:15:22 44,223 posts
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    Guess who will be getting some tonight?
  • TheSaint 4 Jun 2009 23:15:39 14,298 posts
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    Do you have a few minutes to talk about Jesus?
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:16:05 77,686 posts
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    phAge wrote:
    Gremmi wrote:
    Alright, stop. HAMMERTIME!
    Surely?
    Where's my facepalm?

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  • boo 4 Jun 2009 23:16:27 11,748 posts
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    "They say a woman eventually turns into her mother...'

    /turn to Father of Bride

    "What's your Mrs like in the sack then?"

    Just Another Lego Blog

  • Load_2.0 4 Jun 2009 23:17:57 19,139 posts
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    Now the groom warned me, "keep it clean" so I did, now gaze upon my mighty cleansed wang you filthy harlots and strumpets, who amongst you shall be first to feast upon its mighty girth? You nana? You, five year old daughter of a fat woman I have not met before?
  • corimi 4 Jun 2009 23:20:14 1,311 posts
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    /Snort coke off table
    "Right, now that's the opening line done, who wants to send this ceremony INTO ORBIT?"
    /Cue balloons from roof, music and disco lights

    Expensive and illegal, but saves writing...
  • TheSaint 4 Jun 2009 23:23:08 14,298 posts
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    They say 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce let's hope this is third time lucky.
  • phAge 4 Jun 2009 23:31:33 24,346 posts
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    Dirtbox wrote:
    phAge wrote:
    Gremmi wrote:
    Alright, stop. HAMMERTIME!
    Surely?
    Where's my facepalm?
    Maybe Vanilla Ice has it?
  • Syrette 4 Jun 2009 23:32:23 43,293 posts
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    So what's the deal with airplane food

  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:32:35 77,686 posts
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    Is this a bad time to ask you to sign a pre-nup?

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  • Razz 4 Jun 2009 23:33:02 61,061 posts
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    "Tits! Huge stonking fuck off tits!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Steam/PSN/XBOX: Razztafarai | 3DS: 1246-9674-8856
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  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:33:37 77,686 posts
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    Before I get too pissed I'd like to thank everyone for coming.

    /down a bottle of jack

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  • Syrette 4 Jun 2009 23:33:51 43,293 posts
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    I got some help for this speech from my friends on a popular computer games forum

  • the_dudefather 4 Jun 2009 23:36:02 9,280 posts
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    "I tried... I tried to tell them... But they wouldn't listen to me... Damn them... DAMN THEIR EYES! They didn't believe me... Strange creatures... The world in peril from unseen foes... The death... THE DARKNESS! Instead they jeered and threw me into this cursed marriage ... A place of empty souls and fevered thoughts... reeking of foetor and decay! Thinking me mad with delirium!

    The fools cast away their hopes of salvation by forcing me to marry this wench! MAY THE RATS EAT YOUR EYES! I am now lost to your cause!

    The Darkness comes! It will damn us all!"

    The start vomiting

    (ง ͠ ͟ʖ ͡)

  • BanjoMan 5 Jun 2009 07:12:48 13,730 posts
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    Thank you all for being here on this special day , as I hang my balls up for ever more.

    PSN: BanjoFett
    XBL: Banjo Fett

  • CosmicFuzz 5 Jun 2009 07:16:01 23,850 posts
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    foreverafternothing wrote:
    So what's the deal with airplane food

    Hehe :)

    Episode 5 of our gaming podcast Open Source is a Gamescom Special. Check it out here!

  • CosmicFuzz 5 Jun 2009 07:21:20 23,850 posts
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    "Dear Children of the Holocaust... Oh sorry wrong speech."

    Episode 5 of our gaming podcast Open Source is a Gamescom Special. Check it out here!

  • Grunk 5 Jun 2009 07:41:12 4,718 posts
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    just say that you've been to jedi school, then have a look of concentration on your face for the next 3 minutes.
  • cubbymoore 5 Jun 2009 07:47:53 36,483 posts
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    "How long have we got before she passes out? Not her, the one in the cake."
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