Opening line for a grooms speech?

  • Page

    of 5 First / Last

    Previous
  • gamingdave 4 Jun 2009 23:09:41 4,428 posts
    Seen 4 hours ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    Getting married very soon, and trying to finish of my speech. I've got the basics covered, and all the main serious bits sorted.

    But anyone got any cracking opening lines? Had a look online, but its the same old ones over and over.

    This being EG I am sure the majority will be totaly unaceptable, but post them anyway :)

    Cheers, and theres a box of Jaffa Cakes in the post if I end up using one.
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:10:56 81,295 posts
    Seen 14 seconds ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    Take my wife, please.
  • phAge 4 Jun 2009 23:11:24 24,521 posts
    Seen 2 days ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    "I'm not much of a public speaker..."
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:12:06 81,295 posts
    Seen 14 seconds ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    I love making speeches, me. Check this out...
  • corimi 4 Jun 2009 23:12:21 1,310 posts
    Seen 4 years ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    With the power of only sweeties, I secured the services of this fine young fellow...
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:12:53 81,295 posts
    Seen 14 seconds ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    If you'd all like to throw your car keys into the bowl, I've got a fresh wife to swap.
  • magicpanda 4 Jun 2009 23:13:53 13,809 posts
    Seen 1 hour ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    "AIDS obliges people to think of sex as having, possibly, the direst consequences: suicide. Or murder.
  • Load_2.0 4 Jun 2009 23:14:02 20,832 posts
    Seen 2 hours ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    Oi cunts, listen up.
  • Deleted user 4 June 2009 23:14:20
    Alright, stop. Collaborate and listen.
  • Metalfish 4 Jun 2009 23:14:53 8,937 posts
    Seen 3 days ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    Right. Lock the doors please.
  • phAge 4 Jun 2009 23:15:20 24,521 posts
    Seen 2 days ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    Gremmi wrote:
    Alright, stop. HAMMERTIME!
    Surely?
  • FWB 4 Jun 2009 23:15:22 48,355 posts
    Seen 55 minutes ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    Guess who will be getting some tonight?
  • TheSaint 4 Jun 2009 23:15:39 15,676 posts
    Seen 1 hour ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    Do you have a few minutes to talk about Jesus?
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:16:05 81,295 posts
    Seen 14 seconds ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    phAge wrote:
    Gremmi wrote:
    Alright, stop. HAMMERTIME!
    Surely?
    Where's my facepalm?
  • boo 4 Jun 2009 23:16:27 12,119 posts
    Seen 1 hour ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    "They say a woman eventually turns into her mother...'

    /turn to Father of Bride

    "What's your Mrs like in the sack then?"
  • Load_2.0 4 Jun 2009 23:17:57 20,832 posts
    Seen 2 hours ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    Now the groom warned me, "keep it clean" so I did, now gaze upon my mighty cleansed wang you filthy harlots and strumpets, who amongst you shall be first to feast upon its mighty girth? You nana? You, five year old daughter of a fat woman I have not met before?
  • corimi 4 Jun 2009 23:20:14 1,310 posts
    Seen 4 years ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    /Snort coke off table
    "Right, now that's the opening line done, who wants to send this ceremony INTO ORBIT?"
    /Cue balloons from roof, music and disco lights

    Expensive and illegal, but saves writing...
  • TheSaint 4 Jun 2009 23:23:08 15,676 posts
    Seen 1 hour ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    They say 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce let's hope this is third time lucky.
  • phAge 4 Jun 2009 23:31:33 24,521 posts
    Seen 2 days ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    Dirtbox wrote:
    phAge wrote:
    Gremmi wrote:
    Alright, stop. HAMMERTIME!
    Surely?
    Where's my facepalm?
    Maybe Vanilla Ice has it?
  • Syrette 4 Jun 2009 23:32:23 45,450 posts
    Seen 4 hours ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    So what's the deal with airplane food
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:32:35 81,295 posts
    Seen 14 seconds ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    Is this a bad time to ask you to sign a pre-nup?
  • Razz 4 Jun 2009 23:33:02 62,147 posts
    Seen 4 hours ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    "Tits! Huge stonking fuck off tits!"
  • Dirtbox 4 Jun 2009 23:33:37 81,295 posts
    Seen 14 seconds ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    Before I get too pissed I'd like to thank everyone for coming.

    /down a bottle of jack
  • Syrette 4 Jun 2009 23:33:51 45,450 posts
    Seen 4 hours ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    I got some help for this speech from my friends on a popular computer games forum
  • the_dudefather 4 Jun 2009 23:36:02 9,635 posts
    Seen 32 minutes ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    "I tried... I tried to tell them... But they wouldn't listen to me... Damn them... DAMN THEIR EYES! They didn't believe me... Strange creatures... The world in peril from unseen foes... The death... THE DARKNESS! Instead they jeered and threw me into this cursed marriage ... A place of empty souls and fevered thoughts... reeking of foetor and decay! Thinking me mad with delirium!

    The fools cast away their hopes of salvation by forcing me to marry this wench! MAY THE RATS EAT YOUR EYES! I am now lost to your cause!

    The Darkness comes! It will damn us all!"

    The start vomiting
  • BanjoMan 5 Jun 2009 07:12:48 13,725 posts
    Seen 2 months ago
    Registered 8 years ago
    Thank you all for being here on this special day , as I hang my balls up for ever more.
  • CosmicFuzz 5 Jun 2009 07:16:01 28,544 posts
    Seen 3 hours ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    foreverafternothing wrote:
    So what's the deal with airplane food

    Hehe :)
  • CosmicFuzz 5 Jun 2009 07:21:20 28,544 posts
    Seen 3 hours ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    "Dear Children of the Holocaust... Oh sorry wrong speech."
  • Grunk 5 Jun 2009 07:41:12 4,717 posts
    Seen 10 months ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    just say that you've been to jedi school, then have a look of concentration on your face for the next 3 minutes.
  • cubbymoore 5 Jun 2009 07:47:53 36,510 posts
    Seen 1 day ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    "How long have we got before she passes out? Not her, the one in the cake."
  • Page

    of 5 First / Last

    Previous
Log in or register to reply