STOP PRESS! New Dan Brown book on the way! Page 4

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  • President_Weasel 21 Apr 2009 09:44:42 9,454 posts
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    I think I read Eon by Greg Bear. I think I gave up on it before finishing it. But from memory, my dislike of the book was not caused by the terrible, didn't-you-listen-in-high-school-English, why-not-spend-half-an-hour-reading-about-creative-writing, turgid, hacky prose style.

    The corpse was dead. He had been killed. The detective knew who the corpse was because he was the cardinal. The detective had seen the cardinal before, so he knew what he looked like. The cardinal is dead, he thought. Someone has killed him. He decided to find out who had killed the cardinal. I should find out who had killed the cardinal, he thought. He looked around the room for clues. He saw a clue. A clue, he thought. This clue will help me find out who has killed the cardinal. The detective was good at clues because he was very clever and good at being a detective. Also before he was a detective he had been an archeologist or something, which gets mentioned every chapter.
    Suddenly there was a cliffhanger! I need to get somewhere in a hurry because of the cliffhanger, thought the detective. I hope I get there in time because a bad thing will happen if I do not get there in time.

    Chapter 77
    The detective reached the place just in time. He ran into the place. The place had very old and interesting architecture. It was very old. And historical. It had arches. They were very archy.
    The detective did the thing he needed to do to stop the cliffhanger. That was close, he thought. I wonder if there will be a cliffhanger at the end of this chapter too?


    Edit: Peter Griffin behind the typewriter sums it up perfectly. Thank you.
  • nickthegun 21 Apr 2009 09:45:36 60,502 posts
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    StarchildHypocrethes wrote:
    Leolian'sBro wrote:
    Sir Leigh Teabing? Not only is that the worst pastiche of an American view of English society and names, but it's an anagram of the two people he swore blind he didn't rip off in the writing of his novel!
    If that's true, then I have a whole new level of respect for him :)

    I actually read Holy Blood, Holy Grail. Its characters were more well rounded and the plot made more sense.

    ---------------------------------------------------------
    My man gives real loving that's why I call him Killer
    He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller

  • Angel_Treats 21 Apr 2009 09:45:37 11,072 posts
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    Leolian'sBro wrote:
    Angel_Treats wrote:
    Nah mate, I'll have a look for it.
    You geekmeeting, or know someone who is? I'll lend you it.

    I'm not. Rubes and Spanky might be though. Or maybe Gang of Bitches is. I'll find out.

    Do you live in London? Dunno why but I thought you were up north somewhere.
  • LeoliansBro 21 Apr 2009 09:49:22 44,509 posts
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    nickthegun wrote:
    StarchildHypocrethes wrote:
    Leolian'sBro wrote:
    Sir Leigh Teabing? Not only is that the worst pastiche of an American view of English society and names, but it's an anagram of the two people he swore blind he didn't rip off in the writing of his novel!
    If that's true, then I have a whole new level of respect for him :)

    I actually read Holy Blood, Holy Grail. Its characters were more well rounded and the plot made more sense.
    Read the Tomb of God - mid 90s attempt to research the same thing, but a bit more grounded. Probably still bollocks but persuasive reading.

    LB, you really are a massive geek.

  • LeoliansBro 21 Apr 2009 09:50:09 44,509 posts
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    Angel_Treats wrote:
    Leolian'sBro wrote:
    Angel_Treats wrote:
    Nah mate, I'll have a look for it.
    You geekmeeting, or know someone who is? I'll lend you it.

    I'm not. Rubes and Spanky might be though. Or maybe Gang of Bitches is. I'll find out.

    Do you live in London? Dunno why but I thought you were up north somewhere.
    Catford. I tried to sell you my house, remember :)

    LB, you really are a massive geek.

  • S.J.Rogers 21 Apr 2009 09:59:10 3,557 posts
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    PearOfAnguish wrote:
    President Weasel wrote:
    Dan Brown is the only published author I have encountered who is painfully bad at writing.

    You've never read a Matthew Reilly book, have you?

    If Dan Brown and Michael Bay had a child, that retarded offspring would be called Matthew Reilly and would write really fucking terrible novels that somehow still get published despite being fucking awful on every level.


    /BIG slap..!

    I love Matthew Reilly's books and have read and own them all...

    /Sulks.
  • PearOfAnguish 21 Apr 2009 10:01:44 7,379 posts
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    S.J.Rogers wrote:
    I love Matthew Reilly's books and have read and own them all...

    Don't let anyone hear you say that.
  • S.J.Rogers 21 Apr 2009 10:03:08 3,557 posts
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    Leolian'sBro wrote:
    My personal award for excellence goes to the casting director for the Da Vinci Code. The main character is described in the first dozen pages of the book as 'Harrison Ford in Harris tweed' (because Dan Brown needed to rip off Indiana Jones to lend some much needed academic authority to his trash novel). So, who do we cast when we come to make the film?

    Tom Hanks. Bravo!

    Agreed... 100%

    Worst casting EVER, I should have played the part.

    /Jumps over desk.
  • Scimarad 21 Apr 2009 10:03:35 8,567 posts
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    If there is anyone worse that Dan Brown it's Matthew Reilly...
  • S.J.Rogers 21 Apr 2009 10:09:12 3,557 posts
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    /Puts Scimarad on Ignore...

    ;-)
  • President_Weasel 21 Apr 2009 10:09:53 9,454 posts
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    My god, Rogers. I never pegged you for the Matthew Reilly type.
  • Deleted user 21 April 2009 10:40:32
    Leolian'sBro wrote:
    Gremmi wrote:
    never actually posted anything serious on here, nor anywhere else on the intertubes. Aside from a couple of ten minute writing exercises here and there.
    Easy to claim literary prowess when nobody's read anything, isn't it Grem. In unrelated news, I can type at 950 words per minute, I just choose not to on this forum.

    No, it's easy to debunk anyone claiming to know my literary prowess when nobody's read anything.

    Anyway, as always this is the best single destruction of Brown's writing ability, all within the first half-dozen sentences of the book.
  • Deleted user 21 April 2009 10:43:09
    angeltreats wrote:
    Just had this email from Waterstones:

    Just announced! The new Dan Brown! Pre-order The Lost Symbol at half price now.

    So. Anyone going to own up that they'll be buying a copy?
    After enjoying Da Vinci Code because I'd never heard of Dan Brown and everyone I knew was going on about DVC, I tried the one about mathematical codes and stuff, and literally binned the book about 50 pages or so in, if not less. Absolutely awful. Suddenly realised Mr Brown has one book in him, and DVC was clearly the best version of that book.

    Terrible writing, awful (and constant) exposition dialogue, convenient and clunky internal monologues, naff plot... Dreadful stuff. Worse than the Potter books, frankly.

    I gather some people like it, though. Fair enough.


    (lolz)
  • StarchildHypocrethes 21 Apr 2009 10:44:08 26,144 posts
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    Some people think far too much about the books they're reading.
  • PearOfAnguish 21 Apr 2009 10:45:41 7,379 posts
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    I have a theory: Stephanie Meyer is Dan Brown in drag. It's a conspiracy to destroy the publishing industry from within. Quick, somebody call a literary professor who looks like Harrison Ford.
  • Deleted user 21 April 2009 10:47:18
    Twilight is just an emo teen version of the Little Vampire, that damn plagiarist.
  • S.J.Rogers 21 Apr 2009 10:47:59 3,557 posts
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    President Weasel wrote:
    My god, Rogers. I never pegged you for the Matthew Reilly type.

    I know, I know but I just like the way his writing is a total escape from reality and has SO MUCH action it reminds me of great films like Die Hard. \o/
  • LeoliansBro 21 Apr 2009 10:48:51 44,509 posts
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    StarchildHypocrethes wrote:
    Some people think far too much about the books they're reading.
    What, we should just let it wash over us and not really take it in? :)

    LB, you really are a massive geek.

  • PES_Fanboy 21 Apr 2009 10:49:52 17,148 posts
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    Gremmi froze, and did jazz hands. The dark shadow by the bars in the door silently shit itself noisily.

    The twenty-eight year-old internet troll paused wordlessly, before saying:

    Bengali?
  • PearOfAnguish 21 Apr 2009 10:50:00 7,379 posts
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    StarchildHypocrethes wrote:
    Some people think far too much about the books they're reading.

    Thinking is a bad thing now?
  • Deleted user 21 April 2009 10:50:38
    StarchildHypocrethes wrote:
    Some people think far too much about the books they're reading.
    That's a bizarre thing to say. Are you saying you don't think at all about the book you're reading? Your eyes just cross the page and the words don't really process?
  • Deleted user 21 April 2009 10:51:31
    Someone write an essay on how Asterix deconstructs the Anglo/Franco relationship.
  • StarchildHypocrethes 21 Apr 2009 10:51:33 26,144 posts
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    Leolian'sBro wrote:
    StarchildHypocrethes wrote:
    Some people think far too much about the books they're reading.
    What, we should just let it wash over us and not really take it in? :)
    I take in the story, but I don't then sit down and think of how many better ways I could have constructed various sentences :)
  • PearOfAnguish 21 Apr 2009 10:54:23 7,379 posts
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    StarchildHypocrethes wrote:
    Leolian'sBro wrote:
    StarchildHypocrethes wrote:
    Some people think far too much about the books they're reading.
    What, we should just let it wash over us and not really take it in? :)
    I take in the story, but I don't then sit down and think of how many better ways I could have constructed various sentences :)

    Still not seeing how this is a bad thing.
  • S.J.Rogers 21 Apr 2009 10:55:08 3,557 posts
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    President Weasel wrote:
    My god, Rogers. I never pegged you for the Matthew Reilly type.

    Oh and i like James Rollins too, his book Sandstorm is great...
  • StarchildHypocrethes 21 Apr 2009 10:55:50 26,144 posts
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    I just feel it would take the enjoyment out of half the books I read if I were to sit down and do the same thing after reading them.
  • PearOfAnguish 21 Apr 2009 10:59:23 7,379 posts
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    S.J.Rogers wrote:
    President Weasel wrote:
    My god, Rogers. I never pegged you for the Matthew Reilly type.

    Oh and i like James Rollins too, his book Sandstorm is great...

    Never heard of him. Sounds like another Matthew Reilly.
    From Wikipedia:

    Under the pen name James Clemens, James also writes fantasy novels including Wit'ch Fire, Wit'ch Storm, Wit'ch War, Wit'ch Gate, Wit'ch Star.

    Wit'ch? Oh dear.

    I just feel it would take the enjoyment out of half the books I read if I were to sit down and do the same thing after reading them.

    I don't think anyone does that as a rule, but when it's someone as terrible as Dan Brown pulling apart the writing is fun.
  • Deleted user 21 April 2009 11:00:06
    Yeah. It's like MST3K, only with text.
  • Deleted user 21 April 2009 11:00:26
    StarchildHypocrethes wrote:
    Leolian'sBro wrote:
    StarchildHypocrethes wrote:
    Some people think far too much about the books they're reading.
    What, we should just let it wash over us and not really take it in? :)
    I take in the story, but I don't then sit down and think of how many better ways I could have constructed various sentences :)
    Neither do I - I just notice when the ones I'm reading are really clunky and take me out of the story and into the thought process - "Why does he have to explain so much to me in the dialogue? It's not natural and a really amateur technique!"
  • Deleted user 21 April 2009 11:03:10
    Bad writing is like trying to watch a movie that is out of focus, with dialogue you can't hear very well shot without enough light. You can't help but notice it, and it gets in the way.

    How bad does a novel have to be before it becomes unreadable, - written in txt spk perhaps?
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