Got my first gig for 4 years on Sunday.
Ain't got a scrap of material.
Ain't got a scrap of material.
Stand Up Comedy • Page 24
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RichieTenenbaum 1,621 posts
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cubbymoore 35,467 posts
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Registered 9 years agoHere's some material.
Oscar Pistorious has no leg to stand on. -
nickthegun 44,533 posts
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Registered 7 years agoDo a bit on how all the women on match.com are heifers and how things aint what they used to be. They'll be eating out of your hand.---------------------------------------------------------
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Stickman 28,496 posts
Seen 35 minutes ago
Registered 8 years agoSo how about those airplane peanuts? When I can't open them it makes me want to kill myself!
/slap bassQuoted
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RichieTenenbaum 1,621 posts
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Lukus 18,710 posts
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RichieTenenbaum 1,621 posts
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Registered 2 years agonickthegun wrote:
I'm going to do this.
Do a bit on how all the women on match.com are heifers and how things aint what they used to be. They'll be eating out of your hand. -
cubbymoore 35,467 posts
Seen 8 hours ago
Registered 9 years agoI was so hungry last night, yeah, I was so hungry last night that I could have eaten a horse.
SO I WENT TO TESCO AMIRITE. -
Lukus 18,710 posts
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thedaveeyres 8,282 posts
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Deckard1 18,098 posts
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Registered 4 years agoMy dogs got no nose!
How does it smell?
I don't know, I had it put down. -
cubbymoore 35,467 posts
Seen 8 hours ago
Registered 9 years agoI don't get it either I nicked it off Frankie Boyle or someone probably. -
Lukus 18,710 posts
Seen 3 hours ago
Registered 8 years agoI just find horse meat really funny, always have...Paintings & Photographs
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Deckard1 18,098 posts
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Registered 4 years agoWhy did the chicken cross the road?
Because I cut myself. -
cubbymoore 35,467 posts
Seen 8 hours ago
Registered 9 years agoHere's a tip.
Get hold of a Bernard Manning video. Write down all the jokes he does, memorise them and then go out on Sunday and perform a few, doesn't matter which. Say each one with a cheeky wink and a nod, and hey presto you're a modern comic. -
nickthegun 44,533 posts
Seen 2 hours ago
Registered 7 years agoAfter you have finished your diatribe about modern technology, tell the audience not to post shitty reviews up on the internet, just light a smoke signal.---------------------------------------------------------
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nickthegun 44,533 posts
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Registered 7 years agoThats actually a viable gag. You can have that one on me.---------------------------------------------------------
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Lukus 18,710 posts
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nickthegun 44,533 posts
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Registered 7 years agoI think it would round the bit out quite well, so up your tits.---------------------------------------------------------
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Lukus 18,710 posts
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Registered 8 years agoThis is why Richie is the comedian and you are not.
Wait a minute...Paintings & Photographs
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RichieTenenbaum 1,621 posts
Seen 3 hours ago
Registered 2 years agocubbymoore wrote:
yesssss. seems perfect
Here's a tip.
Get hold of a Bernard Manning video. Write down all the jokes he does, memorise them and then go out on Sunday and perform a few, doesn't matter which. Say each one with a cheeky wink and a nod, and hey presto you're a modern comic. -
neilka 12,031 posts
Seen 5 minutes ago
Registered 8 years agoJust stand on the stage for fifteen minutes without speaking or making eye contact with anyone in the audience and then walk off sobbing.if you have nothing intresting to say then you might as well just throw your bags on the truck and drive away
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cubbymoore 35,467 posts
Seen 8 hours ago
Registered 9 years agoNo problem mate. If it really starts to dive you can fall back on this classic.
Get hold of a glass full of ice cubes, put about 6 in your hand and say "here's an impression of an eskimo pissing." Then flick a few one by one from your groin area towards the audience.
Saw Ron Jeremy do that one and it had the audience in stitches. -
cubbymoore 35,467 posts
Seen 8 hours ago
Registered 9 years agoneilka wrote:
Tried that once. Didn't make it past 40 seconds.
Just stand on the stage for fifteen minutes without speaking or making eye contact with anyone in the audience and then walk off sobbing. -
nickthegun 44,533 posts
Seen 2 hours ago
Registered 7 years agoI think I saw that guy with mental problems and the Les Hill hair who is always on buzzcocks do that once.
He did some shit about a shire horse then just had a breakdown.---------------------------------------------------------
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LeoliansBro 35,124 posts
Seen 3 hours ago
Registered 7 years agoCancel the gig and never contemplate doing it again?LB, you really are a massive geek.
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Lukus 18,710 posts
Seen 3 hours ago
Registered 8 years agoI saw a woman doing standup locally last year or the year before and she came on and kind of was shit all the way through, and then at the end it became apparent it was all a brilliant act, and so the cool people got it and we all chuckled. Do that.Paintings & Photographs
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If you've got some kind of disability exploit that. People don't boo the handicapped no matter how shit they are.
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