Stand Up Comedy Page 24

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  • RichieTenenbaum 21 Feb 2013 14:19:52 2,226 posts
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    Got my first gig for 4 years on Sunday.

    Ain't got a scrap of material.
  • cubbymoore 21 Feb 2013 14:22:31 36,504 posts
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    Here's some material.

    Oscar Pistorious has no leg to stand on.
  • nickthegun 21 Feb 2013 14:25:48 61,306 posts
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    Do a bit on how all the women on match.com are heifers and how things aint what they used to be. They'll be eating out of your hand.

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    My man gives real loving that's why I call him Killer
    He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller

  • Stickman 21 Feb 2013 14:28:16 29,664 posts
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    So how about those airplane peanuts? When I can't open them it makes me want to kill myself!

    /slap bass

    THIS SPACE FOR RENT

  • RichieTenenbaum 21 Feb 2013 14:33:13 2,226 posts
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    more!
  • Lukus 21 Feb 2013 14:33:31 19,474 posts
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    Do half an hour of non stop horse meat jokes.

    Paintings & Photographs

  • RichieTenenbaum 21 Feb 2013 14:33:37 2,226 posts
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    nickthegun wrote:
    Do a bit on how all the women on match.com are heifers and how things aint what they used to be. They'll be eating out of your hand.
    I'm going to do this.
  • cubbymoore 21 Feb 2013 14:36:21 36,504 posts
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    I was so hungry last night, yeah, I was so hungry last night that I could have eaten a horse.

    SO I WENT TO TESCO AMIRITE.
  • Lukus 21 Feb 2013 14:37:09 19,474 posts
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    I don't get it.

    Paintings & Photographs

  • thedaveeyres 21 Feb 2013 14:37:44 11,586 posts
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    Tesco is made of horse.

    XBLA: Hamster Trippin
    Steam: thedaveeyres
    PSN: HamsterTrippin

  • cubbymoore 21 Feb 2013 14:38:36 36,504 posts
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    I don't get it either I nicked it off Frankie Boyle or someone probably.
  • Lukus 21 Feb 2013 14:39:36 19,474 posts
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    I just find horse meat really funny, always have...

    Paintings & Photographs

  • cubbymoore 21 Feb 2013 14:42:45 36,504 posts
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    Here's a tip.

    Get hold of a Bernard Manning video. Write down all the jokes he does, memorise them and then go out on Sunday and perform a few, doesn't matter which. Say each one with a cheeky wink and a nod, and hey presto you're a modern comic.
  • nickthegun 21 Feb 2013 14:44:01 61,306 posts
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    After you have finished your diatribe about modern technology, tell the audience not to post shitty reviews up on the internet, just light a smoke signal.

    ---------------------------------------------------------
    My man gives real loving that's why I call him Killer
    He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller

  • nickthegun 21 Feb 2013 14:44:18 61,306 posts
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    Thats actually a viable gag. You can have that one on me.

    ---------------------------------------------------------
    My man gives real loving that's why I call him Killer
    He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller

  • Lukus 21 Feb 2013 14:47:17 19,474 posts
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    Nick, it isn't. Really it isn't.

    Paintings & Photographs

  • nickthegun 21 Feb 2013 14:50:08 61,306 posts
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    I think it would round the bit out quite well, so up your tits.

    ---------------------------------------------------------
    My man gives real loving that's why I call him Killer
    He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller

  • Lukus 21 Feb 2013 14:51:35 19,474 posts
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    This is why Richie is the comedian and you are not.

    Wait a minute...

    Paintings & Photographs

  • RichieTenenbaum 21 Feb 2013 16:13:21 2,226 posts
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    cubbymoore wrote:
    Here's a tip.

    Get hold of a Bernard Manning video. Write down all the jokes he does, memorise them and then go out on Sunday and perform a few, doesn't matter which. Say each one with a cheeky wink and a nod, and hey presto you're a modern comic.
    yesssss. seems perfect
  • neilka 21 Feb 2013 16:16:50 16,531 posts
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    Just stand on the stage for fifteen minutes without speaking or making eye contact with anyone in the audience and then walk off sobbing.

    BAAANG!!!!! EXPLOTION!!!!!

  • cubbymoore 21 Feb 2013 16:26:04 36,504 posts
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    No problem mate. If it really starts to dive you can fall back on this classic.

    Get hold of a glass full of ice cubes, put about 6 in your hand and say "here's an impression of an eskimo pissing." Then flick a few one by one from your groin area towards the audience.

    Saw Ron Jeremy do that one and it had the audience in stitches.
  • cubbymoore 21 Feb 2013 16:26:52 36,504 posts
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    neilka wrote:
    Just stand on the stage for fifteen minutes without speaking or making eye contact with anyone in the audience and then walk off sobbing.
    Tried that once. Didn't make it past 40 seconds.
  • nickthegun 21 Feb 2013 16:34:29 61,306 posts
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    I think I saw that guy with mental problems and the Les Hill hair who is always on buzzcocks do that once.

    He did some shit about a shire horse then just had a breakdown.

    ---------------------------------------------------------
    My man gives real loving that's why I call him Killer
    He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller

  • LeoliansBro 21 Feb 2013 16:37:00 44,956 posts
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    Cancel the gig and never contemplate doing it again?

    LB, you really are a massive geek.

  • Lukus 21 Feb 2013 16:37:54 19,474 posts
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    I saw a woman doing standup locally last year or the year before and she came on and kind of was shit all the way through, and then at the end it became apparent it was all a brilliant act, and so the cool people got it and we all chuckled. Do that.

    Paintings & Photographs

  • cubbymoore 21 Feb 2013 16:40:34 36,504 posts
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    If you've got some kind of disability exploit that. People don't boo the handicapped no matter how shit they are.
  • Phil-McCrack 17 Aug 2013 13:43:40 3,356 posts
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    Danny MacAskill gives me a boner
    Formerly OptimusPube

  • localnotail 10 Oct 2013 21:36:42 23,093 posts
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    Accidentally watched the whole of this Kevin Bridges show last week and found it really funny; sharp observation and great imagination. Good work.

    Also really nicely gross. Should appeal to many on EG. Especially the watching pornos with your schoolmates / ghost poo bit around 35 mins. And the bus psycho.

    Edited by localnotail at 21:52:31 10-10-2013

    A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

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