Stand Up Comedy Page 24

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  • RichieTenenbaum 21 Feb 2013 14:19:52 2,181 posts
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    Got my first gig for 4 years on Sunday.

    Ain't got a scrap of material.
  • cubbymoore 21 Feb 2013 14:22:31 36,468 posts
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    Here's some material.

    Oscar Pistorious has no leg to stand on.
  • nickthegun 21 Feb 2013 14:25:48 58,851 posts
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    Do a bit on how all the women on match.com are heifers and how things aint what they used to be. They'll be eating out of your hand.

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    He totally called it

  • Stickman 21 Feb 2013 14:28:16 29,661 posts
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    So how about those airplane peanuts? When I can't open them it makes me want to kill myself!

    /slap bass

    THIS SPACE FOR RENT

  • RichieTenenbaum 21 Feb 2013 14:33:13 2,181 posts
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    more!
  • Lukus 21 Feb 2013 14:33:31 18,999 posts
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    Do half an hour of non stop horse meat jokes.

    Paintings & Photographs

  • RichieTenenbaum 21 Feb 2013 14:33:37 2,181 posts
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    nickthegun wrote:
    Do a bit on how all the women on match.com are heifers and how things aint what they used to be. They'll be eating out of your hand.
    I'm going to do this.
  • cubbymoore 21 Feb 2013 14:36:21 36,468 posts
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    I was so hungry last night, yeah, I was so hungry last night that I could have eaten a horse.

    SO I WENT TO TESCO AMIRITE.
  • Lukus 21 Feb 2013 14:37:09 18,999 posts
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    I don't get it.

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  • thedaveeyres 21 Feb 2013 14:37:44 10,692 posts
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    Tesco is made of horse.

    D****** ******r

    XBLA: Hamster Trippin
    Steam: thedaveeyres
    PSN: HamsterTrippin

  • Deckard1 21 Feb 2013 14:38:15 27,220 posts
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    My dogs got no nose!

    How does it smell?

    I don't know, I had it put down.
  • cubbymoore 21 Feb 2013 14:38:36 36,468 posts
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    I don't get it either I nicked it off Frankie Boyle or someone probably.
  • Lukus 21 Feb 2013 14:39:36 18,999 posts
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    I just find horse meat really funny, always have...

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  • Deckard1 21 Feb 2013 14:41:37 27,220 posts
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    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Because I cut myself.
  • cubbymoore 21 Feb 2013 14:42:45 36,468 posts
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    Here's a tip.

    Get hold of a Bernard Manning video. Write down all the jokes he does, memorise them and then go out on Sunday and perform a few, doesn't matter which. Say each one with a cheeky wink and a nod, and hey presto you're a modern comic.
  • nickthegun 21 Feb 2013 14:44:01 58,851 posts
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    After you have finished your diatribe about modern technology, tell the audience not to post shitty reviews up on the internet, just light a smoke signal.

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    He totally called it

  • nickthegun 21 Feb 2013 14:44:18 58,851 posts
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    Thats actually a viable gag. You can have that one on me.

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    He totally called it

  • Lukus 21 Feb 2013 14:47:17 18,999 posts
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    Nick, it isn't. Really it isn't.

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  • nickthegun 21 Feb 2013 14:50:08 58,851 posts
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    I think it would round the bit out quite well, so up your tits.

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    He totally called it

  • Lukus 21 Feb 2013 14:51:35 18,999 posts
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    This is why Richie is the comedian and you are not.

    Wait a minute...

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  • RichieTenenbaum 21 Feb 2013 16:13:21 2,181 posts
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    cubbymoore wrote:
    Here's a tip.

    Get hold of a Bernard Manning video. Write down all the jokes he does, memorise them and then go out on Sunday and perform a few, doesn't matter which. Say each one with a cheeky wink and a nod, and hey presto you're a modern comic.
    yesssss. seems perfect
  • neilka 21 Feb 2013 16:16:50 15,668 posts
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    Just stand on the stage for fifteen minutes without speaking or making eye contact with anyone in the audience and then walk off sobbing.
  • cubbymoore 21 Feb 2013 16:26:04 36,468 posts
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    No problem mate. If it really starts to dive you can fall back on this classic.

    Get hold of a glass full of ice cubes, put about 6 in your hand and say "here's an impression of an eskimo pissing." Then flick a few one by one from your groin area towards the audience.

    Saw Ron Jeremy do that one and it had the audience in stitches.
  • cubbymoore 21 Feb 2013 16:26:52 36,468 posts
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    neilka wrote:
    Just stand on the stage for fifteen minutes without speaking or making eye contact with anyone in the audience and then walk off sobbing.
    Tried that once. Didn't make it past 40 seconds.
  • nickthegun 21 Feb 2013 16:34:29 58,851 posts
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    I think I saw that guy with mental problems and the Les Hill hair who is always on buzzcocks do that once.

    He did some shit about a shire horse then just had a breakdown.

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    He totally called it

  • LeoliansBro 21 Feb 2013 16:37:00 43,236 posts
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    Cancel the gig and never contemplate doing it again?

    LB, you really are a massive geek.

  • Lukus 21 Feb 2013 16:37:54 18,999 posts
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    I saw a woman doing standup locally last year or the year before and she came on and kind of was shit all the way through, and then at the end it became apparent it was all a brilliant act, and so the cool people got it and we all chuckled. Do that.

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  • cubbymoore 21 Feb 2013 16:40:34 36,468 posts
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    If you've got some kind of disability exploit that. People don't boo the handicapped no matter how shit they are.
  • OptimusPube 17 Aug 2013 13:43:40 2,909 posts
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    You better watch out.
    You better beware.
    Albert said E=MC˛

  • localnotail 10 Oct 2013 21:36:42 23,093 posts
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    Accidentally watched the whole of this Kevin Bridges show last week and found it really funny; sharp observation and great imagination. Good work.

    Also really nicely gross. Should appeal to many on EG. Especially the watching pornos with your schoolmates / ghost poo bit around 35 mins. And the bus psycho.

    Edited by localnotail at 21:52:31 10-10-2013

    A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

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