Staying together "for the sake of the kids" Page 3

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  • elstoof 1 Nov 2012 15:49:04 8,639 posts
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    Crap Trafford, that's a horrible situation. No matter what though, no one can deny you time with your children.

    I notice you give us her side of the story, but what's yours? Would you be happy separating? Want to try and work it out?
  • binky Moderator 1 Nov 2012 15:54:24 10,124 posts
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    Sad times :(

    Feel free to unburden in here, dude. A lot of good listeners around, even if we don't have any answers!
  • Carlo 1 Nov 2012 16:03:32 18,327 posts
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    My opinions are probably wrong so I won't give you any advise mate.

    I'd just thought I'd throw in my :( so you know I (like all of us) are feeling your pain.

    Worst thing in the world is a problem with "no real solution"

    PSN ID: Djini
    Nintendo ID: 3454-3147-0073

  • Trafford 1 Nov 2012 16:57:44 6,316 posts
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    Thanks, hugs are good.
    Glad I posted, she told me to talk to someone and I thought of EG.

    I would say M has had enough, and I would gladly walk away.
    I do still love her. But that is not enough with my inability to show it with meaning or change.

    There's quite a bit of baggage. I've been in alcohol recovery for over 8 years. When I slip its normally late night with a good game, once or twice a year. Kids never affected, just she blows it out of proportion.

    Since May, I've got drunk twice and the kids have seen an out of it but passive man. First on my 40th on holiday, the most recent I'd been egged on at work, then spiked at a company party. Got brought home by my boss.
    M has Zero tolerance over this, my dad died himself from booze a couple of years ago, a lonely old drunk. We know why I don't drink and I'm happy 95% of the time.


    I don't want to be ejected from family life because my wife is a chronic ballbreaker. I made vows dammit, and I'm a good man for most of the time.

    No point in chasing now, going to get ripped and think.
    Nice to have a break from the grind.

    Single life does appeal, I could do more things I'm sure. Getting out of the steeplechase that is the school week and just focus on 12 hours parenting at the weekend.

    Just worried that if I let go, it could be like trying to grab a Porcupine from behind.

    Edited by Trafford at 17:10:29 01-11-2012
  • elstoof 1 Nov 2012 17:28:52 8,639 posts
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    In my experience single life appeals right up until you're single, especially as we get older and most potential new partners are either single for a reason or have their own baggage to deal with. Grass isn't always greener, so if you think there's something worth working for I'd go for that personally. Try some third party help with it though, an objective opinion might help you see the things you can both work on for each other.
  • localnotail 1 Nov 2012 17:38:47 23,093 posts
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    :(

    Have you started drinking yet?

    If you have, take the battery out of your phone until tomorrow, and I hope you pass out quickly before you get to the point where you imagine you've made sense of it all. Oh, and don't read the spoilered bit below.

    If you haven't, then - I know it seems like the easiest, obvious, most natural and comforting thing in the world, but please don't get drunk tonight if there is any alternative. You acknowledge that is one of the roots of your problems. Booze isn't a solution, it doesn't make you happy, it just stops you caring. Going down that path now in the face of (extreme) stress will just make it easier to stay in the bottle and feel sorry for yourself. If you don't want to end up like your Dad you will need to draw a line and stick to it. If you can stand up to this weakness now then you can face your real problems with a qclear head and a sense of pride that you dealt with this sober. Good luck.
    I'm sorry if this seems harsh but you seem like a decent chap and I've personal knowledge of the demon you fight. The only way to win is not to play


    /more hugs

    oh, and if you are drinking but can't resist spoilers - you can stop now, you don't have to go full drunkard just because you started.

    Edited by localnotail at 18:02:19 01-11-2012

    A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

  • Deleted user 1 November 2012 17:44:16
    Aw crap, man, that sucks. Best of luck and hope you're doing okay. Some space might mean your wife gets back from the holiday with a fresh perspective? Hope you can work things out.

    /man-hug
  • Tonka 1 Nov 2012 17:45:00 21,914 posts
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    The worst nightmare of my life was when I dreamt my wife would leave me and take our son. I was wrecked for days. I really hope things work out for you and I know they can if you are both willing.

    If you can read this you really need to fiddle with your forum settings.

  • localnotail 1 Nov 2012 18:09:15 23,093 posts
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    elstoof wrote:
    In my experience single life appeals right up until you're single, especially as we get older and most potential new partners are either single for a reason or have their own baggage to deal with. Grass isn't always greener, so if you think there's something worth working for I'd go for that personally. Try some third party help with it though, an objective opinion might help you see the things you can both work on for each other.
    +1. I don't know many people my age who are enjoying the single life. Not to say it's impossible. Just think that if you do love her then better to try to save it than walk away.

    Nothing wrong with seeking help, it's worth it, many people just get themselves into bad behavioural loops that keep them from being happy. Sometimes someone else outside it all can see how to untangle the snarls and let hurts be voiced in a constructive manner.

    Ok, I'll shut up now.

    FWIW though, on the OP - if the couple in a relationship no longer care about making each other happy, then splitting up is best for everyone in the family. If you do care, then work out a solution with all your heart.

    Edited by localnotail at 18:22:34 01-11-2012

    A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

  • Vortex808 1 Nov 2012 18:25:17 7,827 posts
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    Shit Trafford. I'm so sorry to hear that. If your relationship is truly irrepairable, then I hope you both manage to come to some suitable agreement for access etc in an amicable manner.

    /hugs
  • Trafford 1 Nov 2012 18:46:12 6,316 posts
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    That's a point. I think the Mrs is deluded with the thoughts of green grass, some sort of romantic idea of being a single mum, I've heard it before.

    I've been in AA and have got a lot of use from it. Never took the full steps, I'm not that bad,.

    @local, don't you worry, I'm just going to get a little spaced and play some games. Will feel like shit tomorrow and back to cups of tea and bike rides.
  • Dirtbox 1 Nov 2012 19:01:24 80,106 posts
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    In my experiences of numerous broken relationships, it's bleak as fuck at the time, but the faster it's dealt with, the faster you can both move on. It does get better. Trying to cling to something that is hurting you will do far more harm than good. Just so long as you don't go looking to the booze to avoid the feelings that you'll need to play out. That's honestly the most important thing and there's no end to how low that can take you.

    Keep going to AA, find other things as well. The more interaction and friends you can make now, the better. It's time to start weighing your options and doing the best thing for yourself, as well as your family.

    Edited by Dirtbox at 19:01:50 01-11-2012

    +1 / Like / Tweet this post

  • DaM 1 Nov 2012 19:49:38 13,686 posts
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    If you get really smashed on the booze on a long term basis, she might use that against you if things get messy.

    Don't know what to say...it will get better, just needs time.
  • Trafford 1 Nov 2012 20:15:56 6,316 posts
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    Cheers, some ideas there.
    I'm not going to go into meltdown. Alcohol is shit with me, I know my limit. Will have a drink tonight and think on.

    My main concern is not to get bungled out in one of my wife's knee jerk blame games.
  • localnotail 4 Nov 2012 23:42:42 23,093 posts
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    Hope the time apart has brought some good perspective and you can both move forward from this. Sorry about going off on one, I've just seen a lot of people run away into the bottle and it's not a good solution.

    A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

  • Trafford 5 Nov 2012 00:53:09 6,316 posts
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    @localnotail
    Heh, it's okay. Sounded dramatic but after 8 years dry it doesn't take much.
    Just wanted to have a mope then but I genuinely prefer abstinence.

    I got a letter through from the soliciter the day she got back, suppose I need to do something.
  • Dougs 5 Nov 2012 06:54:48 70,539 posts
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    Good luck. Have no real advice other than fight for your rights and do what is best for you and the kids. Dad's are too easily marginalised nd their role overlooked. Hope it works out for you, sounds like a shitty situation.
  • Flying_Pig 5 Nov 2012 11:03:21 12,030 posts
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    @Trafford - what an awful situation. Really feel for you :(

    Just to add my thoughts - it's not clear from your posts as to what [u]you[/u] really want.

    Are you OK with the divorce or do you want to fight for your marriage? If it's the latter, I'd seriously recommend speaking to someone like Relate. I know some people on here don't rate them, but counselling sessions made a massive difference to Mrs F_P and I, allowing us to overcome a significant relationship issue and really focus on why we were together in the first place.

    Hope it all works out for you Trafford....
  • MrTomFTW Moderator 5 Nov 2012 11:42:12 40,926 posts
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    The best thing you can do is make sure it is known you want decent visitation rights for your kids. That you're dependable, off the sauce and that they'll have a stable, safe environment when with you.

    It's a lot fairer for fathers now, no matter what some of these father groups would have you believe. You just can't take it for granted. Make the appropriate noises to the appropriate people and you should be OK.

    It sucks you're in this position, but try to make the most of it.

    Follow me on Twitter: @MrTom

  • Trafford 5 Nov 2012 12:02:26 6,316 posts
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    Thanks for the support chaps. The more I think about it, there might be a 3rd party involved. She got given a mix cd earlier this year from the IT guy at work.

    My problem is since quitting drinking I've turned into a sort of social recluse. Basic things like social time together have by the wayside.
    My own fault, too focused on other things.

    Access shouldn't be a problem, she has stressed this and obviously needs me. We don't have any family near by.
  • elstoof 5 Nov 2012 12:20:49 8,639 posts
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    Make sure the reasons cited as grounds don't paint you in a bad light. She may need you now but if there ever is a third party that could quickly change and you don't want anything that can be used against you should that happen.
  • Tonka 6 Nov 2012 08:00:33 21,914 posts
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    Fuck man, sad to hear it was this far gone. I thought you were just going through some rough times.

    I'm fortunate enough not have been in this situation but I've witnessed it from not too far away. Try and keep it civil for the sake of the kids.

    hugs

    If you can read this you really need to fiddle with your forum settings.

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