Does anyone know any really GOOD jokes? Page 2

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  • deem 19 Jun 2008 15:46:08 31,641 posts
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    No he doesn't.
  • Razz 19 Jun 2008 15:46:32 61,200 posts
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    Well I think the fact that a James Bond movie has never been set in Bangladesh* is more pertinent deem. Who gives a toss anyway! It's a joke! Chin up dude! :)

    *Possibly bollocks.

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  • TechnoHippy 19 Jun 2008 15:48:35 14,715 posts
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    Ok, this one will save me from certain castration:

    Two men are standing at the top of a cliff. One has two budgies, one on each shoulder. The other has a parrot and a shotgun. The first guy jumps off the cliff and on the way down the birds fly away. He crashes on the rocks below and rolls over on his back. He looks up just in time to see his friend jump off too.

    As the second guy falls and the parrot flies off, he pulls up his shot gun and shoots the bird just before he too crashes onto the rocks. They lie there groaning in agony for a bit before the first guy says, "I really don't see what is supposed to be so great about budgie jumping!"

    The second guy lets out a groan and says, "I'm really not too impressed with free fall parrot shooting either!"

    My books, contests, reviews and author interviews on my blog

  • daithi90 19 Jun 2008 15:49:49 3,283 posts
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    Why is paedophilia such a big problem in this country?

    Sexy kids!
  • askew 19 Jun 2008 15:50:25 12,266 posts
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    captaineurogamer wrote:
    deem wrote:
    captaineurogamer wrote:
    From that day on, whenever people ask Bond of his name, he simply replies James Bond. Woot

    No he doesn't.



    Well at least in Bangladesh he does

    lol xD
  • Razz 19 Jun 2008 15:51:17 61,200 posts
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    /fetches T_H coat

    /gestures towards thread door

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  • captaineurogamer 19 Jun 2008 15:53:21 4,322 posts
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    daithi90 wrote:
    Why is paedophilia such a big problem in this country?

    Sexy kids!

    How gay
  • chudders 19 Jun 2008 15:53:30 755 posts
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    That clearly belongs in the shit joke section which is further down.

    edit: @ Techno.
  • Salaman 19 Jun 2008 15:56:19 19,049 posts
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    What does an Englishmen do when his team wins both the World Championship and the European Championship?


































    He turns off his playstation and goes to bed in a sulk.
  • BanjoMan 19 Jun 2008 15:57:36 13,730 posts
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    A little boy is playing with his train set when his mum overhears him say: "All those bastards getting off, get the fuck off now, and all those getting on, hurry the fuck up, and keep your fucking feet off the seats."

    His mum is shocked and gives him a good telling off: "You're not to use language like that! Get to your room for two hours! And don't even think about touching that train set!"

    When the 2 hours is up, she lets him get back to playing but overhears him once more:

    "Those passengers disembarking, mind the twatting gap. All those passengers boarding, please hurry the fuck up, and those upset by the two hour delay, please direct your complaints to the fat cunt in the kitchen."

    PSN: BanjoFett
    XBL: Banjo Fett

  • cubbymoore 19 Jun 2008 16:02:47 36,496 posts
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    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    It's the police, your husband's been involved in a car crash.
  • deem 19 Jun 2008 16:03:36 31,641 posts
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    cubbymoore wrote:
    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    It's the police, your husband's been involved in a car crash.

    /tea monitor
  • coastal 19 Jun 2008 16:05:50 5,383 posts
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    Colin the crab was in love with Lulu the lobster, but she was a Princess and the King of the lobsters was mad at her.
    "You cannot love a crab, my precious. They are filthy crustaceans who have the most disgusting mouths and, for God's sake, they can't even walk properly!!!"
    "But daddy, we love each other", said the Princess. "We want to be married after my birthday party next week."
    "Preposterous!" shouted the King. "No daughter of mine will ever marry a sideways-shuffling half-wit of a crab!"

    When Colin heard the news he was devastated. He vowed to prove his worth to the King and win the claw of his daughter.

    The great party arrived and all the guests were in their finery, when suddenly the doors to the great hall were flung open and there stood Colin. A hush fell on the room.

    Slowly and very deliberately, Colin the crab walked the length of the great ballroom towards the king. Not sideways, but forwards!

    The Princess melted, the King was speechless. With each step a huge effort, Colin approached the mighty throne and kneeling before the King and visibly shaking from his exertions.

    The King was hugely impressed and smiled kindly at his daughter. Colin slowly raised his eyes, stared hard at the king, and said, "fuck me, I'm pissed."

    bf3: sergeant_shaftoe

  • nickthegun 19 Jun 2008 16:11:24 59,908 posts
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    During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

    ‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom.

    An hour later Michael was doing the rounds, when he saw Mick Jagger and the rolling stones coming out of his bedroom. ‘Alwight mick? What you been up to?’ ‘Oh Jim Morrisson told us there was a girl in there that who sucks some good cock and she really does!’.

    ‘Arrgh! Fucks sake!’ shouted Michael and stormed into his bedroom.

    ‘What the hell do you think you were doing?’ he screamed at the girl. ‘Whats the matter? I thought that’s what you wanted me to do?’ she replied. ‘No, you silly cow! Youre only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!!!!’.

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    someone say something funny

  • BanjoMan 19 Jun 2008 16:11:51 13,730 posts
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    Little Johnny arrives late at school and says to his teacher, "Sorry I'm late miss, but my Dad got burned."

    So the teacher asks, "I'm sorry Johnny, is your father badly burned?"

    To which Johnny replies, "Yes Miss, they don't fuck about at the crematorium."

    PSN: BanjoFett
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  • cubbymoore 19 Jun 2008 16:16:26 36,496 posts
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    What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

    You call him an ambulance, he may have fractured his skull.
  • markh 19 Jun 2008 16:18:43 3,598 posts
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    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

    Because i didn't take any with me on my jungle holiday.
  • BanjoMan 19 Jun 2008 16:18:57 13,730 posts
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    cubbymoore wrote:
    What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

    You call him an ambulance, he may have fractured his skull.
    Oh god yeah!! You do, though!! Wooooohooahaahha!!

    /falls off chair

    PSN: BanjoFett
    XBL: Banjo Fett

  • L42yB 19 Jun 2008 16:20:34 1,673 posts
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    o_O
  • coastal 19 Jun 2008 16:20:50 5,383 posts
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    BanjoMan wrote:
    Little Johnny arrives late at school and says to his teacher, "Sorry I'm late miss, but my Dad got burned."

    So the teacher asks, "I'm sorry Johnny, is your father badly burned?"

    To which Johnny replies, "Yes Miss, they don't fuck about at the cremtatorium."

    got a lol out of me.

    bf3: sergeant_shaftoe

  • deem 19 Jun 2008 16:26:42 31,641 posts
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    cubbymoore wrote:
    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    It's the police, your husband's been involved in a car crash.

    That's really given me the giggles.
  • BanjoMan 19 Jun 2008 16:28:27 13,730 posts
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    deem wrote:
    cubbymoore wrote:
    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    It's the police, your husband's been involved in a car crash.

    That's really given me the giggles.
    Me too, hahahahahaa! Wait, I'm gonna tell everyone in the office, they'll love it!! Heehee!!

    PSN: BanjoFett
    XBL: Banjo Fett

  • tincanrocket 19 Jun 2008 16:30:10 2,987 posts
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    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

    The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
  • cubbymoore 19 Jun 2008 16:31:11 36,496 posts
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    I'm out, I only want the appreciation of L42yB and he clearly doesn't care for my jokes, you guys' appreciation I can take or leave.
  • bobmar360 19 Jun 2008 16:31:41 910 posts
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  • BanjoMan 19 Jun 2008 16:31:47 13,730 posts
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    cubbymoore wrote:
    I'm out, I only want the appreciation of L42yB and he clearly doesn't care for my jokes, you guys' appreciation I can take or leave.
    NOOOOOOOO!!1

    Ok then, bye.

    PSN: BanjoFett
    XBL: Banjo Fett

  • tincanrocket 19 Jun 2008 16:32:01 2,987 posts
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    I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

    Not screaming in terror like his passengers
  • L42yB 19 Jun 2008 16:32:11 1,673 posts
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    cubbymoore wrote:
    I'm out, I only want the appreciation of L42yB and he clearly doesn't care for my jokes, you guys' appreciation I can take or leave.

    You made the list, didn't you?

    some people are just never satisfied...
  • L42yB 19 Jun 2008 16:36:32 1,673 posts
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    /gives in

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    *deep breath*

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    cubby you *slay* me... you're so FUNNY! Only now do I see the subtle nuances of your incredible humour!

    Feel better?
  • tincanrocket 19 Jun 2008 16:37:17 2,987 posts
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    A woman goes to the gynecologist,and upon examination, the doctor says, "Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?"

    The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."
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