Does anyone know any really GOOD jokes? Page 47

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  • mal 21 Aug 2012 18:20:30 21,979 posts
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    Tom_Servo wrote:
    I can see 5 not really working in a live setting. It'll take a couple of seconds to get, and it doesn't work written down either. Saying that, it must've worked to some extent in a live setting or else it wouldn't be on the list.
    I heard it on the radio earlier ('I don't know Y') and it took me no longer to get than it takes me to get the average double entendre. In fact I'd say it's harder to parse written down, cos the writer has to make a choice about how to express it, whereas in speech the two sounds are the same (yay, it's another homophone!). It's also probably my favourite joke on there, although given I have an innate aversion to Stu Francis and Tim Vine that does eliminate half the competition.

    Cubby didn't know how to turn off sigs!

  • muttler 3 Sep 2012 12:08:34 3,771 posts
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    I’ve recently joined my local boxing club and the trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter.

    After doing this for an hour, he handed me a rope and said, “Use this. You won’t look as gay”
  • FuzzyDuck 9 Sep 2012 20:35:17 3,546 posts
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    Here's one for all you diabetics (I'm type 2 so I'm obviously laughing with as opposed to at ye!). Knicked from somewhere on the web.

    Why couldn't the Cookie Monster see his feet?

    He had to have them amputated because of the development of gangrene
  • themanfromdelmonte 26 Sep 2012 20:03:41 540 posts
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    How do you find Will Smith in a forest?

    Look for fresh prints.
  • caligari 26 Sep 2012 20:51:57 16,832 posts
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    Post deleted
  • rincewind01 3 Oct 2012 12:08:31 11 posts
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    Saw this on reddit, thought it was pretty funny.


    A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

    'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'

    'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

    'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
    Edited by rincewind01 at 12:08:52 03-10-2012

    and a very dumb joke you'd get out of a christmas cracker


    Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
    A: Because he felt crummy.
    Edited by rincewind01 at 12:10:22 03-10-2012
  • the_dudefather 3 Oct 2012 12:46:12 8,978 posts
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    I haven't got any good ones, will these do?

    Does anyone remember when Savador Dali created a range of breakfast food? It was pretty cereal.

    It was very sad when the magician's fog machine was taken away during a show, there wasn't a dry ice in the theatre

    Edited by the_dudefather at 12:49:12 03-10-2012

    (ง ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)

  • smoothpete 18 Oct 2012 09:45:16 31,017 posts
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    During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."
    Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"
    A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
    In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
    And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
  • senso-ji 25 Jan 2013 16:18:00 5,316 posts
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    I heard a woman has had the world's first wooden breast implants.

    It'd make a good punch line, wouldn't it?
  • Mola_Ram 25 Jan 2013 16:25:58 6,252 posts
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    When I get a dog, I'm going to name it "Syndrome"

    So when it's naughty I have an excuse to yell DOWN, SYNDROME
  • Sunno 25 Jan 2013 16:53:30 156 posts
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    'Why did the chicken cross the road?'

    'Don't know.'

    'To get to the gay's house.'

    'Knock knock.'

    'Who's there?'

    'The chicken!'
  • bitch_tits_zero_nine 25 Jan 2013 17:22:17 6,654 posts
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    -I've won the lottery love, pack a bag

    -Are we going somewhere warm, what should I pack?

    -Pack a bag and fuck off.
  • Blotto 25 Jan 2013 17:30:01 2,514 posts
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    Sunno wrote:
    'Why did the chicken cross the road?'

    'Don't know.'

    'To get to the gay's house.'

    'Knock knock.'

    'Who's there?'

    'The chicken!'
    Where did you hear that? I'm sure I heard that recently but I can't remember exactly where and it's driving me nuts.

    Edited by Blotto at 17:30:15 25-01-2013
  • Sunno 28 Jan 2013 15:49:56 156 posts
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    I think it was on 9gag but i could be wrong.
  • robthehermit 28 Jan 2013 16:13:58 3,831 posts
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    Everytime I see this thread, I'm always tempted to come in here and write "My salary", but always manage to stop myself on the basis that you all want funny jokes in here.

    GT: robthehermit

    Velim esset mundus iustus futuis procul et mori.

  • Madder-Max 3 Feb 2013 17:08:56 11,568 posts
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    How to cook a spanish omlette.

    First, borrow 2 eggs.......

    99 problems and being ginger is one

  • Madder-Max 3 Feb 2013 17:13:50 11,568 posts
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    Post deleted

    99 problems and being ginger is one

  • swede 4 Feb 2013 13:48:18 367 posts
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    So, that skeleton found in that car park was Richard III after all.

    I had a hunch that it was...

    /groan
  • LeoliansBro 4 Feb 2013 13:55:21 41,869 posts
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    swede wrote:
    So, that skeleton found in that car park was Richard III after all.

    I had a hunch that it was...

    /groan
    Hey, don't get all bent out of shape about it.

    LB, you really are a massive geek.

  • caligari 4 Feb 2013 19:33:05 16,832 posts
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    LeoliansBro wrote:
    swede wrote:
    So, that skeleton found in that car park was Richard III after all.

    I had a hunch that it was...

    /groan
    Hey, don't get all bent out of shape about it.
    Yeah, you had a lot of weight on your shoulders with that one.
  • Ka-blamo 9 Feb 2013 18:36:48 7,109 posts
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    I bought a dog from a blacksmith the other day,

    When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

    /Applause

    I had a job interview at a blacksmiths the other day, he asked me if I've ever shoe'd a horse.

    I said no, but I've told a donkey to fuck off.

    /Applause


    Did you hear about the accountant with constipation?

    He couldn't budget!

    /applause

    Then he worked it out with a pencil!

    Thank you, goodnight!

    /standing ovation
  • PeacockDreams 9 Feb 2013 18:55:28 202 posts
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    Ok here is a long one that was a bit of a favourite down the boozer a few years back

    'DJ Bruce from popular Aussie radio station Dingo FM opens the lines up to a competition where the caller has to invent a new word and use it in a sentence.
    "Line 1, what's ya word mate?"
    "Hi, my word is Garn, G-A-R-N, Garn"
    "Ok, but can you use it in a sentence?"
    "Sure can mate.... GARN fuck ya self!"

    DJ Bruce cuts the caller off, and apologises to the listeners for the foul language and quickly moves to line 2

    "What's ya word mate, but keep it clean"
    Hi, my word is Smee, that's S-M-double E, Smee"
    "Fantastic, but can you put it in a sentence?"
    "Yeah, it's SMEE again, GARN fuck ya self!"
  • Madder-Max 9 Feb 2013 22:06:03 11,568 posts
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    Apparently findus are recalling the veg lasagnes, following the discovery of uniquorn meat in them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    /bows

    99 problems and being ginger is one

  • Stoatboy 9 Feb 2013 23:31:53 28 posts
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    Apologies if it's already been used:

    What do you call a man with no arms?

    Dave...


    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    Not Dave.
  • Stoatboy 9 Feb 2013 23:41:56 28 posts
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    Also, to nip things in the bud...

    Knock knock.

    It's open.
  • wogsy81 10 Feb 2013 01:02:02 605 posts
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    @Goodfella
    Hahaha, that is funny.
    Im gonna stick it on my twitter and pass it off as my own.
  • wogsy81 10 Feb 2013 01:02:14 605 posts
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    Post deleted
  • Madder-Max 10 Feb 2013 22:51:20 11,568 posts
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    Weird. Thread loaded some random page when clicked on last page, but posting gets me back to last page

    Edited by Madder-Max at 22:52:47 10-02-2013

    99 problems and being ginger is one

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