Does anyone know any really GOOD jokes? Page 46

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  • jonsaan 28 Feb 2012 20:06:04 25,440 posts
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    localnotail wrote:
    I heard Mick Hucknall is in custody - Very strange circumstances - he was rather shockingly arrested for having sex with an underage rabbit.

    Apparently he was holding back the ears and the bunny was too tight to mention.

    (sorry)
    :D

    I used to work with a Greek chef who found money's too tight to mention very amusing.

    I believe moonee or something similar is a woman's furry underpants in Greek.

    FCUTA!

  • craigy Staff 26 Apr 2012 10:48:50 7,836 posts
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    I heard a really great joke about butter this morning, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to spread it.
  • boo 26 Apr 2012 11:13:27 11,936 posts
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    /groan

    Just Another Lego Blog

  • S.J.Rogers 26 Apr 2012 11:37:45 3,557 posts
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    My favourite is still:

    What’s the No:1 cause of paedophilia in the UK..?

    Sexy Kids..!

    I know is wrong, but its funny and only a joke…
  • HermanTheTosser 26 Apr 2012 19:05:17 82 posts
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    A man's best friend died so he went to the funeral director.
    "i'm sorry to hear about your loss" said the funeral director. "how would you like to put your friend to rest?"
    "I want to eat him." said the bereaved.
    "Eat him?!" said the funeral director, clearly taken aback by this unusual (and in all liklihood, ilegal) request. "I'm not sure we can do that" he said clearly flustered.
    "Please" said the bereaved gentleman. "it's what we both wanted and it'll be a fitting tribute to my dear friend."
    After much persuasion and deliberation the funeral director agreed to meet the bereaved's request and he was allowed to eat his friend.
    After doing the deed, curiosity got the better of the funeral director. "if you don't mind, sir, your request was such an extraordinary one and something I haven't been asked to arrange in all my years as an undertaker. May I ask, why did you want to eat your friend?"
    With a glint in his eye, the bereaved gentleman replied, "I just wanted to feel him slip out my arse one last time."
  • craigy Staff 17 May 2012 10:44:42 7,836 posts
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    I took a peek inside Westwood's jumper drawer the other day. It was heavy knit, after heavy knit, after heavy knit.
  • boo 17 May 2012 11:29:09 11,936 posts
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    /doesn't get it

    Vivienne Westwood? She makes clothes, right? Does she knit?
    Or is it the Radio presenter chap? Does he wear a lot of jumpers? I thought that was Noel Edmonds.

    /has been passed by by the past 25 years of popular culture

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  • chopsen 17 May 2012 11:31:01 16,290 posts
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    How many misanthropes does it take to change a light bulb?

    Fuck off.
  • mal 18 May 2012 13:41:23 22,830 posts
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    boo wrote:
    /doesn't get it

    Vivienne Westwood? She makes clothes, right? Does she knit?
    Or is it the Radio presenter chap? Does he wear a lot of jumpers? I thought that was Noel Edmonds.

    /has been passed by by the past 25 years of popular culture
    I assume it's the DJ fellow, and the joke is the close homophone between 'heavy knit' and 'having it'. I'd have thought Pete Tong would be a better subject of the joke than Master Westwood since while he says some ridiculous things, I don't recall him saying that.

    Course, I may have not got the joke at all either.

    Cubby didn't know how to turn off sigs!

  • darkmorgado 18 May 2012 14:04:49 15,598 posts
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    http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00tlzv5

    Derived from Mr Westwood's well used phrase "heavy hit after heavy hit". Also fond of shouting "boom" and declaring the presence of a large canine within the confines of the establishment.

    Support the Mowgli Dirty Protest!

  • mrpon 18 May 2012 14:05:12 29,563 posts
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    You just wanted to say homophone really didn't you?

    Give yourself £5 or ½ gig, you're worth it.

  • mal 18 May 2012 14:44:31 22,830 posts
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    Hmm, I'm not sure 'heavy knit' and 'heavy hit' sound at all the same.

    Okay then, what sort of jumper should you get Pete Tong for his birthday?

    Heavy knit, large.

    Sorry

    Cubby didn't know how to turn off sigs!

  • muttler 3 Jul 2012 13:39:57 4,286 posts
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    50 shades of Chav

    As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight." "It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time." "Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you" "As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same." "My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had ****** his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy ****. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi on which rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erections.
  • boo 6 Jul 2012 14:31:36 11,936 posts
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    Where do crabs and lobsters catch the train?

    Kings Crustacean!

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  • onestepfromlost 6 Jul 2012 15:19:52 2,117 posts
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    How many junkies does it take to change a lightbulb

    WHO SAYS ITS FUCKING DARK LIKE!
  • DrStrangelove 22 Jul 2012 00:17:49 4,650 posts
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    Actually not a joke, but a Russian wisdom about drinking vodka I learned from a Russian family father in a documentary.


    You drink when you're happy
    You drink when you're sad
    You drink when you're in company
    You drink when you're alone
    You drink when you're hungry
    You drink when you're full
    You drink to go to sleep
    You drink to wake up

    But if you drink without reason, you're an alcoholic.
  • Asrill 22 Jul 2012 19:45:29 396 posts
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    localnotail wrote:
    I heard Mick Hucknall is in custody - Very strange circumstances - he was rather shockingly arrested for having sex with an underage rabbit.

    Apparently he was holding back the ears and the bunny was too tight to mention.

    (sorry)
    http://www.rathergood.com/holding
  • RichieTenenbaum 27 Jul 2012 15:06:36 2,226 posts
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    My dog's got no nose.
    How does it smell?
    IT CAN'T, IT DOESN'T HAVE A NOSE

    My dog's got no nose.
    How does it smell?
    It infers the sense via taste and touch!

    My dog's got no nose.
    How does it smell?
    Implants!

    My dog's got no nose.
    You don't have a dog. And I don't know you. Stop talking to me! Why are you vomiting?

    My dog's got no nose.
    Why? What happened to it?
    EVENTS
  • RichieTenenbaum 27 Jul 2012 15:06:44 2,226 posts
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    Post deleted
  • L_Franko Moderator 27 Jul 2012 15:13:15 9,697 posts
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    Brilliant.
  • Tom_Servo 21 Aug 2012 16:13:39 18,082 posts
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    This lot do, apparently

    I always find this list quite strange, because it's always one-liners. Doesn't really take into consideration any longer jokes. Anyway, here's the top ten from this year's Fringe:

    1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
    2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
    3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
    4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
    5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
    6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
    7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
    8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
    9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
    10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."


    3, 5, 8 and 10 are the stand-outs, IMO.
  • BillMurray 21 Aug 2012 16:18:00 7,905 posts
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    I read that article earlier and thought try were all complete garbage.
  • chopsen 21 Aug 2012 16:18:23 16,290 posts
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    Stewart Francis is quite funny, and that is not a funny line for him.

    10 is as old as the hills, surely? (minus the Olympics topicality)

    Edited by Chopsen at 16:18:52 21-08-2012
  • Tom_Servo 21 Aug 2012 16:26:11 18,082 posts
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    May well be. I've never heard it before though. The problem with 1 is that making jokes about the Beckhams is surely a bit passe by now.

    2 is just naff.

    4 is the worst by some way. A class joke and an observation that I think almost everyone has heard at some point. "THEY LIKE BIG PLASMA TELLIES LOL"

    I can see 5 not really working in a live setting. It'll take a couple of seconds to get, and it doesn't work written down either. Saying that, it must've worked to some extent in a live setting or else it wouldn't be on the list.

    6 is crap.

    7 is crap again.

    9 is very poor. "rocket salad" doesn't even sound remotely like "rocket science", which is surely what the joke hinges on.
  • Kay 21 Aug 2012 16:27:19 17,969 posts
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    I quite liked 2. 3 is my favourite though.
  • tombo 21 Aug 2012 16:34:30 2,100 posts
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    Well Tom_Servo certainly got out of bed the wrong side this morning!
  • spindle9988 21 Aug 2012 16:36:48 3,676 posts
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    What is the smelliest thing in the world?



    A kippers fanny
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