The Office quotes thread

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  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 09:12:58 36,415 posts
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    I'm aware of the general Ricky Gervais hate, but I love The Office.

    "I think there's been a rape up there."
  • lost_soul 29 Feb 2008 09:15:38 9,369 posts
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    Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
    Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
    Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.
  • Fat-Boy 29 Feb 2008 09:16:12 4,300 posts
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    "Word of advice. Always carry your travellers cheques in a bumbag."
    "Er, thanks I'll get one."
    "What, while you're out there?
    "Yeah."
    /shakes head. "Word of warning. 'Fanny' means your arse over there.....not...your minge."
    /scotch egg.
  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 09:18:11 36,415 posts
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    Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous! No - purely social. I know someone who is an alchoholic and it is no laughing matter, particularly for his wife. And she's got alopecia. So... not a happy homelife.
  • Fat-Boy 29 Feb 2008 09:19:53 4,300 posts
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    "I'm seeing you on Sunday aren't I, for my sins?.....How is Elaine, has she left you yet? ....Yep, yep."
    /puts phone down, stares at handset.
    "She has left him, I forgot that."
  • lost_soul 29 Feb 2008 09:22:22 9,369 posts
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    Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors... in the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.
  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 09:23:00 36,415 posts
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    This is the accounts department, the number bods. Do not be fooled by their job descriptions, they are absolutely mad, all of 'em. Especially that one, he's mental. Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. Last place you'd want someone like that is in accounts.
  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 09:23:46 36,415 posts
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    lost_soul wrote:
    Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors... in the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.

    Are yours from the American version of The Office?
  • Fat-Boy 29 Feb 2008 09:24:25 4,300 posts
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    "Oooh, I just want to be popular as the new boss, like me, like me. Pathetic."
  • Fat-Boy 29 Feb 2008 09:24:48 4,300 posts
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    JuanKerr wrote:
    lost_soul wrote:
    Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors... in the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.

    Are yours from the American version of The Office?

    Well done, Poirot ;-)
  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 09:26:04 36,415 posts
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    Thanks.

    / solves another unsolvable crime
  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 09:27:59 36,415 posts
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    Gareth: I'm not homophobic, all right? Come around, look at my CD collection. You'll find Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers.
  • Fat-Boy 29 Feb 2008 09:30:05 4,300 posts
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    "My Dad's not as street-wise or up to date as I am. I mean, he'll say 'Birds' instead of 'women', 'poofs' instead of 'gays, 'blacks' instead of 'coloureds'..."
  • Youthist 29 Feb 2008 09:33:22 10,054 posts
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    The American Office > The UK Office

    "Good chess players think one move ahead. Great chess players think two or three moves ahead."

  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 09:33:39 36,415 posts
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    Where's the love for The Office on this bloody forum?!

    This is copied directly from IMDB because I couldn't be arsed to write it all out. Worth it though:

    Gareth: If you like Top Trumps, you should come to me. I've got about five different sets. Don't try to beat me at Monster Trucks, though, 'cos you won't. My speciality.

    Rachel: Yeah, it's a game of chance though, isn't it? It's what you...

    Gareth: No, it's not. I would know what cards you've got immediately just through what cards I've got. I used to play it by myself, with a dummy hand just testing out every different scenario of which cards would beat which other cards for hours, sometimes three or four at a time. But put in the work, the rewards are obvious. So I'd know exactly what card you've got in your hand from what cards I've got and I would know, probability wise, exactly what feature to pick on my card to defeat, statistically, any card that you could have in your hand at that precise moment. You will never win.

    [pause]

    Gareth: Could still be fun, though.
  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 09:34:17 36,415 posts
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    Youthist wrote:
    The American Office > The UK Office

    Youthist = so very wrong
  • Fat-Boy 29 Feb 2008 09:36:32 4,300 posts
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    "Look, all right, I'll ask outright. Could anything happen between us, while this is going on?"
    "Like what?"
    "Specifically?.....Handjob?"
  • glaeken 29 Feb 2008 09:38:04 11,234 posts
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    David Brent: “In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A bus driver would have to accept that as currency.”
    Tim: “Yeah, that’d happen.”
    David Brent: “Well, if he doesn’t, report him.”
    Tim: “Yeah, I’ll report him while I’m walking home.”
  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 09:39:55 36,415 posts
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    I've sort of fused Flashdance with MC Hammer shit.
  • LeoliansBro 29 Feb 2008 09:40:42 44,722 posts
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    I'll just have a biiiiig wank.

    LB, you really are a massive geek.

  • Fat-Boy 29 Feb 2008 09:40:56 4,300 posts
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    "Max Wall's the name..." /walks

    Miles and miles funnier than The Dance. It's from the training videos that Gervais and Merchant did for Microsoft, for those who haven't seen it. Gervais plays Brent in it.
  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 09:53:28 36,415 posts
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    Gareth: Yes, I've had office romances. Not here. At another place I worked at. Good-looking ones, as well. But they're not a good idea, office romances. It's like shitting on your own doorstep. I've had loads of offers here, but I go 'no way, distracting'. And that's actually one of the major arguments against letting gay men into the army. And I haven't got a problem with that, right. A gay man's not gonna put me off, I can look after myself. But if you're in battle is he gonna be looking at the enemy or at me, going "Ooh... he looks tasty in his uniform"
  • AcidSnake 29 Feb 2008 09:54:32 7,289 posts
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    I'm backing up Youthist on this one...
    Dwight>Gareth
    Michael>David
    Creed>whichever one of the UK extras

    The only debate can be about Jim>Tim

    Fax: "Dwight, at 8am today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight."

    AcidSnake - He can't see your sig, avatar, images or vids and talks about himself in the third person because he's proper old-skool...UID 24017

  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 10:03:58 36,415 posts
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    AcidSnake wrote:

    Fax: "Dwight, at 8am today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight."

    / tumbleweed

    ;-)
  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 10:04:14 36,415 posts
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    FluffyTucker wrote:
    "Oh phew!!... oh no, no sorry I was expecting a blind date and I thought you were it!

    I love that scene.
  • AcidSnake 29 Feb 2008 10:11:38 7,289 posts
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    JuanKerr wrote:
    AcidSnake wrote:

    Fax: "Dwight, at 8am today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight."

    / tumbleweed

    ;-)

    Well sorry it's hard to remember all those very good scenes as I have over 3 and a half seasons to choose from!!
    How long did the UK office last again? ;)

    AcidSnake - He can't see your sig, avatar, images or vids and talks about himself in the third person because he's proper old-skool...UID 24017

  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 10:25:17 36,415 posts
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    AcidSnake wrote:
    JuanKerr wrote:
    AcidSnake wrote:

    Fax: "Dwight, at 8am today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight."

    / tumbleweed

    ;-)

    Well sorry it's hard to remember all those very good scenes as I have over 3 and a half seasons to choose from!!
    How long did the UK office last again? ;)

    Typical American attitude - quantity over quality.
  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 10:25:44 36,415 posts
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    FluffyTucker wrote:
    Thread title should have been "The Office quotes thread - not the yank version, you stupid pricks"

    Mods?
  • JuanKerr 29 Feb 2008 10:29:38 36,415 posts
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    That Fray Bentos scene fucking cracks me up every time.
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