I like the fact that the first two things are fairly innocuous followed by something that Fred West would probably have called "a bit off colour".
I think you might need to see a psychiatrist.
And one time I worked with a boss who was a bit of a dick so I went to the toilet, got a chewing gum out of a pack, rolled my foreskin back and rested the chuddy on my helmet then rolled it back up and went to work for an hour (it was quite a sweaty job I had then too) after an hour I removed the chewy and popped back in the top of the pack and offered him one. He lapped it up. Cheese flavoured chewing gum!
Lastly, I am gay, disabled, and a liberal.