Been in the same boat as far as happiness is concerned, Psycho.|
I have no problem with fleeting moments of pleasure, joy, and the ordinary ups and downs of life... it all just takes place against a background of dull, dreary grey.
I just want the shitty circular useless thoughts to fuck off. I've been ruminating and introspecting since forever, so it's become my default state. Rewiring that seems nigh-on impossible.
It's not even just my internal chatter anymore. (Drugs and booze help escape that, short term.) It's the way I think and it's the lens through which I perceive everything, all the time. It's like being trapped in the same featureless room day upon day. It's boring and I'm tired of it.
On a separate note, I don't know if anyone feels this way, but very few things I do are ever genuine. Most of my behaviour is either manipulative (depends on context and perceived risk/reward), or automatic (due to conditioning or habit). I'm not awake very often.
Even my thoughts and my desires seem to come from somewhere else. I've never had an original thought in my head. I don't know who I am, and any attempt to assert my identity seems like a lie.
It's mostly a feeling of imprisonment, with the added doubt of whether there's even any prisoner. Is there a 'genuine self' buried down there, frozen in carbonite? Or am I the prison?
Anyway here's a kitten wrestling a watermelon.
Edited by sirtacos at 11:33:02 05-02-2013
#9347300, By sirtacos Depression
sirtacos 7,780 posts
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