Thanks for the feedback!
Well the Devil here has his own agenda, within the story he is also not a force of evil. If he was to be put in a negative light he is there pushing chaos and change leading to progress and he offers second chances to people who have lost their way but still have redeeming qualities.
The downside to this is the progress is always fraught with risk and that that those who mess up their second chances do so quite spectacularly.
Thanks for your kind words about the descriptions. My mind is very visual so when I imagine what happens in my stories I usually see the scene clearly in my mind’s eye. I write down what I see. The problem with that approach is that despite this following the 'show don't tell' rule is that this quickly devolves in me spooling off what can be seen. While this might work on a film script it kills ruins the flow of a written story. I think I have gotten better in that department.
I also need to remind me constantly that there are other sense beside sight. Adding sounds and smells and touch adds a lot to the scenes.
I think that I am finally getting a grip on conversations. This is still the part of my writing I am least happy about but I think I am moving forward.
About your story:
In contrast to Carbon I did not read the other cops as, other cop. But saw them as distinct character. At least by the time the became important I was comfortable with their personalities. Yew I think emerged organically. Drake feels like 'grumpy underling no.3' at most times but he does appear to me like a proper tertiary character.
Now that you mention it what the fuck did happen to Diggs and Hostettler? Is there a way that you can get them back into the main narrative? They come from Szwejkowski's side and could provide a lot of additional info on him, while also stressing how big the case has gotten?
And now some proper backing feeding.
That technician reminds me ever so slightly of Louis the receptionist in Project: Rain.
[…] just hoping the tech was following him in as freakless a way as possible […] Brilliant.
Finally we get to see a controller in all its sliced up creepiness. brrr
Damn. That tech in just a few words summed up the tragedy of the controllers. Very well done.
“ ‘Drop me Aldgate.’
‘Yes, milord.’ "
Another one that had me chuckling.
Sometimes I wonder how Yew manages to find enough room for his personality between all his prejudices and many flavours of intolerance…
At least he is a man of double compassion. :-D
He can be kind of nice in his personal style while still retaining his arseish ways.
In general I think that the controller situation is pretty much clear now. I’d wait for Salaman’s feedback on this, though I am confident that with this chapter the implications of what the controllers are, are now clear.
I also like how it shows what a bunch of monsters 4L are. I am especially amused that being turned into a controller is considered ‘life imprisonment’ at the same time I have no trouble at all imagining the rhetoric behind it nor the normal people who can’t grasp the monstrosity of the situation defending it passionately before their friends and acquaintances.
Which brings me back to Yew. I think you lucked out with his emergence because here you have a character that has an incredible potential for growth.
God that dude is insane… I bet not even weasels would fuck him.
Reading about the terrorists makes the events on the Vera Lynn so much creepier all of a sudden…
And we end this chapter with an extra big dose of cloaked daggers.
Loving it. (i.e. write faster)
#9202165, By sunjumper National Novel Writing Month 2012
sunjumper 2,970 posts
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