#3404499, By harrisimo Does marriage strengthen a relationship?

  • harrisimo 13 Jun 2008 11:40:20 383 posts
    Seen 4 days ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    Robot_Chubby wrote:
    harrisimo wrote:
    All I would say is...

    The reason people GET married is not usually the same reason people STAY married.

    It seems that most marriages evolve from a rose-tinted ideal of sharing every aspect of your life with the one person who most understands and loves you etc. into a complex ongoing equation balancing the underlying reasons you were first attracted to the person (which may be nothing more than a faint background noise after several years) with the daily irritations and arguments, and also the sense of duty that marriage brings. These factors are different in every case, and some will override the others - some people tough out daily hell out of a sense of duty. Other people get on well but have fallen out of love completely. Other people row all the time but still remember the reasons they chose that person to spend their life with.

    The other thing is, people are very different about how they behave when things start to deteriorate or change. Some people can adapt and readjust their expectations, and learn to accept their fate, and live in a new reality. Other people can't or don't want to adapt, and so are likely to quit out of something that they didn't sign up for.

    I have friends whose marriages I look at with utter bewilderment. Because I couldn't survive a day, probably even three hours, in that setup. But they're not me, and they do stick it out. I'm just one of those people that worries that whoever I marry, in whatever circumstances, and however much I feel for them, at some point I'd royally fuck it all up.


    This sounds logical, but is this common to all relationships or does getting married change it fundamentally?

    It's a fair point. I imagine if you've been with someone for 20 years (ie without ever marrying), and have three kids, then breaking up is a huge deal - more so than if you've been married for six months.

    Marriage is, as Jos says, a statement of intent. And a pretty big one, proclaimed in front of lots of people and (if that's your bag) the eyes of God. So it is another factor that gets added to the mix. Again, it depends on who you are as to how much the very concept of the M word affects your decision. In my parents' generation, the mere fact of being married meant that you would stay married, because divorce was considered some kind of taboo and shameful. Whether it's healthier that we don't think that way any more is a question that seems to divide people.
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