What's New? (8th June, 2007)

Despite what you may have thought reading Dan Greenawalt talking about Forza Motorsport 2 in one of our sexy previews, you are not a complete idiot. "If you had a Honda Civic Type-R and you were to weight-reduce it down to say 900kilos and put it up to 600 horsepower with racing slicks for the downforce, it should be able to compete against Enzos and things like that." I don't really know what the bloody hell he's on about either. You still pull the right trigger to go, right? Fortunately, I can exclusively reprint [surely "report" - Ed] that it's a game about driving around in circles trying not to let Princess Peach shoot you with a red shell and whatever. And you can paint on the cars! Amazing. Seriously - the first one of you to do a convincing Eurogamer skin wins a "special" treat at your local Cheapolodge hotel on me. "Spare pillow, please. Blonde."

Fut-sa! is obviously this week's big release, but Mercury Meltdown Revolution is probably the more lusted-after, given the scarcity of good new Wii releases. A lot of Wii games rely on broad-stroke gestures with timing as the decisive factor; Mercury's one of the few that takes the Wiimote up on its capacity for precise input. It also offers analogue control, and it's built around one of the PSP's best puzzle games, and one that not many people bothered with, so there's all sorts of reasons to buy it. Learning how to play it should be easy too, allowing as it does for us to fall back on the most enduring of our "gamer skills": rolling our blobby hides through tight spaces and then plonking our arses on the floor.

Meanwhile, those tooting along with the EG review train lately will be aware Dave was quite enamoured with Wartech Senko no Ronde, and that's out. All I know about it is that Ubisoft's said they'll send it to me for free. 10/10 EIGHT THUMBS UP.

Finally, a formal apology for last week's awful column about Tomb Raider and that one off Bits and whatever other toss Ellie was haemorrhaging on about, and specifically inaccurate comments suggesting that she will be suing me for being manly and impulsive. Because she may well have renamed her "My Saved Conversations" MSN folder "Retirement Fund", but as many of her fellow sexual harassment deathtraps will tell her, there's a bit more to successful litigation than getting someone to type "lols rolf" while you wave your vagina at the nearest webcam. Unfortunately though she is funnier than me, so next time I'll leave some of the humourless office fauna in charge so you'll miss me and herald my return, instead of sending emails gently asking if and when Ellie's coming back to Eurogamer forever. Tossers.