What's New? (23rd March, 2007)

The latest PAL releases, where 'late' is the operative word.

Feature by Tom Bramwell Former Editor-in-Chief

Updated on 26 Mar 2007

Good morning, Internet. Today is an important day. No, I'm not resigning. (Although obviously I've thought about it. The Internet is a harsh mistress. And it's not like she does you a "special favour" on your birthday or anything like that.) Today is the first day that the term "next generation" cannot realistically be used to describe a PlayStation 3, Xbox 360 or Nintendo Wii. And so, in last-minute fashion, we need to start thinking about how to replace it.

Except, obviously, we're quite busy cynically writing "PS3" all over the place, so the look-in audience clicks on everything, and we can serve more ads, and become millionaires, and move to Spain to see out our retirement in an uncomplicated villa overlooking a stream, or perhaps some sort of estuary, where the dainty winds support a seasonal kite-flying concern run by reformed football racists, whose twisted hearts warm as the chatter of nearby squirrels flutters soothingly through the air like a hand brushing absently against the hem of a petticoat and not resulting in a harassment lawsuit - so we're going to get you to do it instead. Pop your best ideas in the comments section and if any of them actually make me laugh I'll send you a copy of Virtua Fighter 5. Well, Rob will. I wouldn't go to the post office if it was inside Keeley Hawes.

Anyway. Six years, millions of pounds, more bad press than a blog summit, more false dawns than a witness protection scheme, more press releases than an industrial dry cleaning concern, more speculation than somebody writing badly about a hen, and a release date so unreliable that you gave up giving up hope and just gave up interest. But after all that, GSC Game World can down tools, run their remaining fingers through their remaining hair and head home for a decontamination wank, because no amount of nine-legged panthers vomiting mutant catnip through the letterbox can stand in the way of S.T.A.L.K.E.R's actual release. And fair play! The fact it's genuinely good isn't so much overcoming adversity as going round to the Adversity house and being invited to make an "Internet film" with their youngest daughter.

And yet, for all that, it could very well be buried. There are more than 50 games released this week. Why are publishers so - for want of a better word - dense? My sister, popping up in an MSN window to ask what I'm up to at this time of night, suggests it might be similar to the way that women who live together end up with synchronised menstrual cycles. I point out that it's probably because they're coming to the end of their financial year. She says that sounds a lot like the feminine lunar blood ritual. I should get her to write this really. In fact, I think I will.

"Hello Internet people. Tom said he might edit some of what I write to make me look stupid, but I thought this might be fun so I said yes anyway. Dimwit dimwit dimwit wibble guffaw hatchet clobberpeg. Don't worry, that was me. So, Tom says you can buy 50 games this week. Just look at all the numbers on the end! There are four 2s, two 3s, one 4, two 5s, a 6, a 7 and an 8. Don't you get bored of buying the same things? Tom points out that those are just the ones being honest about it. He's just shown me this link about Bomberman and there are 43 games listed. I don't think today's one is even on there. Anyway, I've got to go and revise for my electronic bearhugging tute. Have fun!"

She's got a point. At least if you're going to make a sequel then aim to be vaguely literal. The only thing about most of these that makes linguistic sense is Mr Publisher sliding his Hag H09 away from his floor-to-ceiling windows and dictating a few more lies about "transition periods" to his secretary in the same exact way he did for the last 84 quarterly reports. "The reason we're unpopular is that there is a much bigger audience now."

"Wibble wibble guffaw hatchet clobberpeg."

But enough cynicism. Until next week, anyway.

This week: