Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's "The Port Show" - with your host, Trendy McZeitgeist!
"Thank you, thank you! Our first contestant is a muscle-bound gunman of unknown origin, plagued by visions of a little girl. But relax, parents, he's an 18 certificate! Give it up for F.E.A.R. on the PS3!"
"Mr F.E.A.R., you've been out on the PC and Xbox 360 for longer than it takes Britney Spears to find a new man - she really deserves one after all she's been through."
"Yes I have, Trendy."
"Aaand what are your thoughts on that?"
"I would love to tell you, but I have no personality whatsoever." [laughter]
"That's right, because you're a blank-slate character designed in such a way that players can occupy you and feel better immersed in the machinations of the evil-doers at the centre of your plot, correct?"
"Correct. I also have a new gun and a new level."
"No one cares about that."
"But of course this wouldn't be The Port Show if you weren't facing strong opposition! 'Strong' in terms of numbers, anyway, and who this week has a higher number than Hotel Dusk: Room 215?"
"I resent this. I'm not a port."
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not, I'm an original adventure game for the Nintendo DS played holding the console like a book--" [Hotel Dusk is dropped through a trapdoor]
"Quite enough of that. Who else is here? Uh oh! It's our old friend Everybody's Tennis!"
"I'm new as well."
"I was under the impression you were invented a few years ago and then set aside until your developers had made several popular golf games?"
"Right, but I'm not a port."
"You're not very good either." [loud booing from the audience]
"Shut up, plebs! Next in the studio... in fact, there isn't anybody else in the studio. Pokémon Ranger is hiding in the eaves. YOU'RE CRAP, RANGER! What about Wing Island? Where's he gone? I'm being told Wing Island is too poorly to attend. Sorry, too poorly executed to achieve more than 5/10."
"At least he's not a fictional television host."
"BACK IN YOUR HOLE, DUSK."
"I'm here! I'm a port!" [applause]
"Of course! It's Capcom Classics Collection Volume 2!"
"So, Mr. Volume 2, I'm sorry to treat you as leftovers."
"That's alright, I am leftovers."
"I see you've got Super Street Fighter II Turbo there, and a load of other games that Kristan probably played in the chip shop when he was 12."
"I have, yes."
"Do you have any chips?"
"Not on me, no."
"Anything else to add?"
"Not really. Does this mean I get to fight Mr F.E.A.R. now?"
"No, I'm afraid the joke isn't funny any more, and we're going to stop. F.E.A.R.'s out next week, anyway."
"Ah, yes, that pretty much undermines the entire thing."