Jump to navigation

Velvet Assassin Comments by Ellie Gibson

8 May, 2009

Puts the ass into it.

Read entire article.

Want to comment on this article? Log in, or register!

Comments: 1-50 of 87 in total | next 50 »

Poster
Comment Low-scoring comments hidden. Log in to see them!
Dr_Wadd
08/05/09 @ 13:01
#1
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
"she talks with the same plum in her mouth and wears outfits designed to make you want to put your plums in her mouth"

Surely one of the best quotes from a review ever. This should be on the back of the box.
ChthonicEcho
08/05/09 @ 13:01
#2
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Eurogamer's very own Zero Punctuation. Superb review. Atrocious game.
Azazel
08/05/09 @ 13:01
#3
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
\o/ for Ellie!
Wastelander
08/05/09 @ 13:02
#4
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
:D
merc2k7
08/05/09 @ 13:05
#5
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Ellie does it again. The best review by miles..... Review more games Ellie, at least we'll get the truth.
Hunam
08/05/09 @ 13:05
#6
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Ban this stick filth!

/giggles to self
MrWonderstuff
08/05/09 @ 13:05
#7
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
So, better than Darkfall.

Well someone had to say it.
Monkey_Puncher
08/05/09 @ 13:06
#8
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Sounds like an instaclassic!
matrim83
08/05/09 @ 13:07
#9
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
I was gonna quote the same bit Wadd did. :(
patch
08/05/09 @ 13:08
#10
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Careful now, you score it any lower and you'll have fanboys calling for your head and the game owners demanding a re-review.

/missed out on darkfallgate
Hunam
08/05/09 @ 13:09
#11
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Violette has a pig nose.
AphoticCosmos
08/05/09 @ 13:09
#12
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Ellie needs to review Darkfall :p
GregorV
08/05/09 @ 13:10
#13
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
That quote is a classic, as is the whole review.
Razzajazz
08/05/09 @ 13:10
#14
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Once again, a superlative review from Ellie! Nice one!

Are you sure though that the game is really that hard? Are you sure you're not just a "carebear"? I demand your living hardstyle credentials before accepting this review as gospel!! :P
the_dudefather
08/05/09 @ 13:11
#15
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Was this game too Hardstyle(tm) for Ellie?
myiagros
08/05/09 @ 13:12
#16
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Brilliant review, i have tears in my eyes and a huge grin on my face.
JohnnyWashnGo
08/05/09 @ 13:12
#17
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Oh crap - wait until the idiots on the Velvet Assassin boards hear about this score ;)
marilena
08/05/09 @ 13:14
#18
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
"A gaming experience that is similar to many gaming experiences you have had before, the main difference being it isn't as good."

THAT would be an honest game cover.
DarthInsinuate
08/05/09 @ 13:18
#19
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
"Velvet Assassin is an incredible gaming experience." Ellie Gibson, Eurogamer.

You can't take it back now, that's definitely going on the box.
PearOfAnguish
08/05/09 @ 13:20
#20
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
The nightie thing is insane. Exactly how many drugs would you need to consume to think that is a good idea?
20charactersmax
08/05/09 @ 13:21
#21
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Does Ellie read the comments? I know other reviewers do, but I never noticed Ellie reply.
Malkotheslick
08/05/09 @ 13:21
#22
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Enjoyed the review and loved the Irn - Bru reference
scowat
08/05/09 @ 13:22
#23
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
@Dr_Wadd beat me to it.

This had me in stitches in the office. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant
geeza2020
08/05/09 @ 13:22
#24
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
I cant believe people are still making games set during WW2, let alone making games as bad as this set in WW2.
Slabbathepave
08/05/09 @ 13:23
#25
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
I can in no way take this review seriously. Eliie is a girl and therefor cannot play games properly.
Ranger101
08/05/09 @ 13:31
#26
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Lara Croft does Stealth.
b00n
08/05/09 @ 13:32
#27
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Ellie should know we guys love to see girls in tight jeans.. and underwear.

It's sad really.

entertaining review though
Obiwanshinobi
08/05/09 @ 13:39
#28
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
I'd like to play a new Metal Gear game starring young The Boss as a playable character.
kangarootoo
08/05/09 @ 13:49
#29
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
1. This game gives me dejaVu for a number of reasons.

2. Shutup about Darkfall ffs.
Schiraman
08/05/09 @ 13:50
#30
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Great review :D
dr_faulk
08/05/09 @ 13:53
#31
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Ellie, you cow. You always get me into trouble in work, because they know I'm not doing anything because I've got that stupid grin on my face while reading your reviews!
pankomentarz
08/05/09 @ 13:56
#32
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
I'm a bit surprised really, not by the score the game got, but by the sole tone of the review.

The humour's a bit lower than the average Eurogamer level and the whole text seems to be composed of psuedo-witty remarks (hahaha, straightforward sexual innuendos, way to go!), two, three sentence creatures that jump and jiggle trying to be funny... but they aint.

Which doesn't mean I wasn't amused, being myself under an average intellectual level.
systems
08/05/09 @ 13:57
#33
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
30 notes saved then. And I'm a steath fanatic, but only if I can do it my own way. What's all this nightie business then? Is that to show that she's on medication (i.e. hospital nightie, which looks slutty) or is it to appeal to randy teens (i.e. slutty nightie, which looks from a hospital)? Either way, I'd rather spend money on both halves of Arkanoid than this.
Vanmunt
08/05/09 @ 14:04
#34
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
ha ha, thats probably the best Ellie review yet... don't ever review a decent game as your cutting wit is fantastic.
kangarootoo
08/05/09 @ 14:06
#35
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
@pankomentarz

I think you are missing the sarcasm. Smutty innuendo can be used for several reasons, one of which is to mock source material that clearly finds that sort of thing amusing or titilating.
pankomentarz
08/05/09 @ 14:11
#36
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
May be. Straightforward innuendos revealing straightforwards attempts to lure the audience.

Nevertheless, not the best review ever (maybe my English's not sufficient enough, being one of those dirty foreign pigs as I am)

GordonBennett
08/05/09 @ 14:11
#37
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Another interesting game that has failed to live up to expectations, then.

Oh, Pankomentarz, stop trying to sound clever; you ain't.
pankomentarz
08/05/09 @ 14:12
#38
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Roger that sir!
MeBrains
08/05/09 @ 14:21
#39
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
think of all the luck Ellie has having to play through all these lovely games guys!

had a good laugh with it. at least Velvet Assassin produced something worthwhile.
spekkeh
08/05/09 @ 14:41
#40
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
she talks with the same plum in her mouth and wears outfits designed to make you want to put your plums in her mouth.

I KNEW Ellie was a guy.
Petulant_Radish
08/05/09 @ 14:53
#41
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Good god, you lot just want to have one big wank fest over this Ellie, are you really that devoid of ladylike interest that you’re practically junking your gunk into your keyboards over the fact she’s female?
spekkeh
08/05/09 @ 14:55
#42
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Oh god, I only just discovered the Darkfall thread, I absolutely jizzed my pants over that clusterfuck. Thanks for telling me!
Xeopuppy
08/05/09 @ 15:01
#43
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Excellent Review Ellie, BUT, I bought the game on Steam before any reviews came out, BUT, I also like this game very much.

I guess I am easily pleased!!!!

I love Stealth games like Splinter Cell and Thief, although it isn't in the same league as Thief, the graphic style of the intro reminds me of Thief's cutscenes.
AphoticCosmos
08/05/09 @ 15:02
#44
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Good god, you lot just want to have one big wank fest over this Ellie, are you really that devoid of ladylike interest that you’re practically junking your gunk into your keyboards over the fact she’s female?

No, she is genuinely the funniest writer on Eurogamer.

Except for Ed Zitron.
trooper6
08/05/09 @ 15:06
#45
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Bummer. I've always had a soft spot in my heart for the story of Violette Szabo. She was an amazing woman and it sucks that the video game inspired by her incredible story blows chunks. Sigh.

On the other hand, a bad game resulted in an amazingly wonderful review by Ms. Gibson. You rock! More reviews by Ms. Gibson!
Petulant_Radish
08/05/09 @ 15:23
#46
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
“No, she is genuinely the funniest writer on Eurogamer.”

I wasn’t disputing that, merely that the excessive fawning and ejaculatory praise is a little sickening, it whiffs of a seeded desire to be noticed by the woman in question, yearning to get verification that she sees your opinion and it matters to her, get a life funboys!

I’m off for a Donor Kebab pot noodle and a hand shandy over Razzle, bye!
Hypercube
08/05/09 @ 15:23
#47
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Good god, you lot just want to have one big wank fest over this Ellie, are you really that devoid of ladylike interest that you’re practically junking your gunk into your keyboards over the fact she’s female?

Well, that's confirmed that you are petulant. How are you going to convince us you're a radish?

Anyway, regardless of her gender, Ellie writes well. Unlike you. Pfffffffffffft!

It's just coincidence that I was also wanking as I was reading it.

/synchronicitywank
Edited 2 times, most recently on 08/05/09 @ 16:24
frycrayola
08/05/09 @ 15:32
#48
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
I think Ellie has a face and pesetas.
Petulant_Radish
08/05/09 @ 15:34
#49
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
/synchronicitywank

Mmmmmmm. Hang on, this just got weird.

Now Fapula, I am bored at work, therefore within my rights to say ‘get a life funboys’ as I am clearly better than all of you here, as my days are made up of waltzing around like a queen and eating honey bee pie hats.

That’s much more interesting than being sat at a desk looking longingly out a window, don’t get so defensive because I questioned your sexual prowess, it’s ok, we can all be the alpha male on the internet, no one is any the wiser!!
Petulant_Radish
08/05/09 @ 15:35
#50
0
You buried this comment
Comment below viewing threshold
Show
Sorry I should’ve added nudge nudge, wink wink, for a bit of Carry On fun. How terribly rude.

Comments: 1-50 of 87 in total | next 50 »

Want to comment on this article? Log in, or register!

Advertisement

X View gallery