Velvet Assassin Review

By Ellie Gibson Published 8 May, 2009

Puts the ass into it.

Version tested: Xbox 360

As everyone knows, you should never judge a book by its cover - you should judge a book by holding it so the pages fall open naturally, thereby revealing how many dirty bits there are. However, you should always judge a videogame by its cover. The back cover, to be specific.

This comes as advice from someone who used to write the back covers of videogames for a living. I also used to lie awake feeling guilty for lying to the kids about the latest release being "high-octane" and "adrenaline-fuelled", when the honest thing would have been to write "a stunningly mediocre racing game just like the seven you already own and the 14 coming out later this year".

The back cover for Velvet Assassin describes it as "an intense stealth action game". As anyone who's ever played a videogame knows, this translates as "a game about hiding, with a bit of shooting thrown in". The back cover says to expect "surreal visuals". This means "everything goes a bit wibbly and blurry now and again". We're promised "a haunting narrative", or rather "a very slow voiceover by someone who sounds a bit depressed". But it's these three words which tell you everything you need to know: "World War II".

But wait! Velvet Assassin is not your typical World War II game, according to its makers. You don't play as Generic Man, a plucky young allied fighter battling behind enemy lines, killing hordes of Nazis and blowing stuff up. You play as Violette Summer, a plucky young allied fighter battling behind enemy lines, killing hordes of Nazis and blowing stuff up. But wait! She's a woman, do you see?

Just in case you don't, Violette is depicted in the opening cut-scene and on the menu screen wearing a slutty nightie. She doesn't wear the nightie when killing Nazis, because that would be silly and gratuitous. Except she does sometimes. Specifically, when you use one of the morphine syringes left lying around everywhere.

'Velvet Assassin' Screenshot 1

Violette, wearing some sensible clothes for once.

It's all to do with the other thing that's supposed to set Velvet Assassin apart from all the other World War II games; the story is told by Violette as she lies in her hospital bed, and the levels are interactive flashbacks. When you take morphine time slows down, enabling you to take out enemies with ease. For as long as the morphine lasts everything goes wibbly and blurry, and Violette sports the slutty nightie. On one level all that might sound complex and intriguing, but think about it harder and you'll realise it's just stupid.

Violette appears to have attended the same finishing school as Lara Croft; she talks with the same plum in her mouth and wears outfits designed to make you want to put your plums in her mouth. She's skilled in creeping up on people and killing them in all manner of sneaky ways, from slitting their throats to pulling the pin from grenades they're holding to slitting their throats.

You're given mission objectives such as "find the gas mask" or "place the explosive" or "kill the naughty bossman Nazi" (paraphrasing here), but generally levels play out in the same way: you sneak from point A to point B killing any Nazis you find along the way. To kill them you can use a stealth move, or shoot them with guns and ammo you've picked up, or get hocked up on morphine and murder them in slow motion.

That's the theory. In practice you sneak from point A to point B trying to kill Nazis but failing, and having to restart from the last checkpoint again. And again and again and again. There are many reasons why you might fail and few of them are your fault.

'Velvet Assassin' Screenshot 2

A lot of the environments in Velvet Assassin are the colour of Irn Bru. Orange is the new brown for WWII games.

You might fail because the enemy spots you sneaking around, even though you're skulking in the shadows that are supposed to conceal you. You might fail because Violette is surrounded by the purple glow (or rather, violet glow - do you see?) that's supposed to mean she's hidden from view, and you assume the game works properly. It doesn't.

Or you might fail because you can't shoot anyone. Guns and ammo are stupidly hard to get hold of; you can't take them off the bodies of enemies you've killed, because that would be... Who knows? Too easy? Too logical? Historically inaccurate, as the Nazis used magic spells to ensure their weapons would miraculously disappear in the event of their deaths?

In any case, you're left to - wait for it! - search lockers for abandoned guns and ammo. These are few and far between. What's more, Violette doesn't carry weapons over from one mission to the next. Well, who needs a pump-action shotgun when you've got a small knife?

If you do manage to arm yourself, don't bother trying to shoot at close range. No matter how hard you hold down the targetting button Violette will fire blindly into thin air, even as one of Adolf's minions batters her over the head with the butt of his magical rifle.

Guns are only good for shooting from a distance. And only then if you're sure you can get a one-kill headshot. And only then if you can hide from any nearby soldiers in the shadows. And only then if the shadow system works properly. And only then if you haven't given the whole thing up as a bad job and thought to yourself if Sylvia Plath had been a videogames journalist instead of a poet she wouldn't have lasted as long as she did and that reminds me must put the oven on.

It doesn't help that the game is painfully linear. There's only ever one path to go down, and every time you're forced to restart from the last checkpoint the same old Nazis can be found trudging the same old preset routes. They also have the same old subtitled conversations in which they whine about running out of chocolate and not being able to smoke near oil barrels.

(Oh yes, there are plenty of oil barrels in Velvet Assassin, along with plenty of wooden crates and locked doors. Often, the locked doors can be opened by Rusty Keys found on the dead bodies of your enemies. Sometimes, just to spice things up a bit, you'll come across Shiny Keys. There are a lot of easily disabled fuse boxes lying around, along with levers that turn red lights green. There are desks laden with oil lamps and old maps and abandoned medical kits. It's a miracle there's not also a lava level and a mine cart race.)

You don't even get to choose how you dispatch enemies. Let's say you decide to take out that soldier standing on his own with your penultimate bullet. Effective, but then you turn the corner to find two enemies standing together. They'd spot you if you tried a stealth kill, and you've only got one bullet. No problem - use your only morphine syringe to slow down time and perform melee kills.

'Velvet Assassin' Screenshot 3

Good job she left that pistol behind when she finished the previous level.

But what's this? Around the next corner there are two more enemies standing together. Stealth kills are out, you're still a bullet short and you're out of morphine. You could try to shoot one then stab the other in real-time, but what with Violette having all the close-quarters combat skill of an orang-utan in a barrel, it's unlikely you'll succeed. So you'll end up dying and starting again from the last checkpoint.

In this regard, levels become like puzzles - it's a matter of trial and error as you work out which techniques you're supposed to use in which situation. There's also a lot of waiting around and hiding behind crates/in outhouses/within the shadows as you learn the patterns your enemies follow.

That's what good stealth games are all about, of course; they reward you for thinking ahead and being patient. But this isn't a good stealth game. You don't feel rewarded for clever thinking, because there's only ever one way through. You can only survive by working out what the game wants you to do - there's no scope for working out your own solutions to problems. The fact enemies are so thick and endlessly repetitive in their behaviours makes things even more tedious.

'Velvet Assassin' Screenshot 4

Violette just loves those super-tight jeans. Nice assassin.

If you're a serious stealth fan, and if you've got huge amounts of patience, you might get something out of Velvet Assassin. It's certainly challenging. There is satisfaction to be had when you pull off a sequence of kills in the right order using the right techniques. The problem is this is only possible when you've spent ages working out what you're meant to do and what the enemies are going to do, and when all the elements of the game work as they're supposed to. Success is more down to luck and perseverance than skill and patience.

Besides, nothing else about the game makes doggedly plugging away worth the effort. The visuals are well short of spectacular. The storyline tries to be mysterious and intriguing, but it's daft and dull. The mission objectives, locations and level layouts are clichéd. The mission structure is far too repetitive and rigid. The nightie thing is silly, and about as sexy as Solid Snake running round in a leopard-skin posing pouch.

According to the back of the box cover, Velvet Assassin is "an incredible gaming experience". In a more honest world that would read, "A frustrating gaming experience". Or perhaps, "A gaming experience that is similar to many gaming experiences you have had before, the main difference being it isn't as good." No.

4 / 10

Read the Eurogamer.net scoring policy
Picture of Ellie.

About Ellie Gibson

Since joining Eurogamer in the mid 2000s, Ellie has written about subjects as diverse as the fall of Gizmondo, the rise of Hollyoaks actresses in Red Alert games and the noise a bear makes under NSFW circumstances.

Read more articles from Ellie by visiting the Ellie Gibson archive page.

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Comments (86) Latest comment 11 months ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • Dr_Wadd #1 3 years ago

    "she talks with the same plum in her mouth and wears outfits designed to make you want to put your plums in her mouth"

    Surely one of the best quotes from a review ever. This should be on the back of the box.

  • ChthonicEcho #2 3 years ago

    Eurogamer's very own Zero Punctuation. Superb review. Atrocious game.

  • Azazel #3 3 years ago

    \o/ for Ellie!

  • Wastelander #4 3 years ago

    :D

  • merc2k7 #5 3 years ago

    Ellie does it again. The best review by miles..... Review more games Ellie, at least we'll get the truth.

  • Hunam #6 3 years ago

    Ban this stick filth!

    /giggles to self

  • MrWonderstuff #7 3 years ago

    So, better than Darkfall.

    Well someone had to say it.

  • Monkey_Puncher #8 3 years ago

    Sounds like an instaclassic!

  • matrim83 #9 3 years ago

    I was gonna quote the same bit Wadd did. :(

  • patch #10 3 years ago

    Careful now, you score it any lower and you'll have fanboys calling for your head and the game owners demanding a re-review.

    /missed out on darkfallgate

  • Hunam #11 3 years ago

    Violette has a pig nose.

  • AphoticCosmos #12 3 years ago

    Ellie needs to review Darkfall :p

  • GregorV #13 3 years ago

    That quote is a classic, as is the whole review.

  • Razzajazz #14 3 years ago

    Once again, a superlative review from Ellie! Nice one!

    Are you sure though that the game is really that hard? Are you sure you're not just a "carebear"? I demand your living hardstyle credentials before accepting this review as gospel!! :p

  • the_dudefather #15 3 years ago

    Was this game too Hardstyle(tm) for Ellie?

  • myiagros #16 3 years ago

    Brilliant review, i have tears in my eyes and a huge grin on my face.

  • JohnnyWashnGo #17 3 years ago

    Oh crap - wait until the idiots on the Velvet Assassin boards hear about this score ;)

  • marilena #18 3 years ago

    "A gaming experience that is similar to many gaming experiences you have had before, the main difference being it isn't as good."

    THAT would be an honest game cover.

  • DarthInsinuate #19 3 years ago

    "Velvet Assassin is an incredible gaming experience." Ellie Gibson, Eurogamer.

    You can't take it back now, that's definitely going on the box.

  • PearOfAnguish #20 3 years ago

    The nightie thing is insane. Exactly how many drugs would you need to consume to think that is a good idea?

  • Malkotheslick #21 3 years ago

    Enjoyed the review and loved the Irn - Bru reference

  • scowat #22 3 years ago

    Post deleted at 16:41:01 08-02-2012

  • geeza2020 #23 3 years ago

    I cant believe people are still making games set during WW2, let alone making games as bad as this set in WW2.

  • Slabbathepave #24 3 years ago

    I can in no way take this review seriously. Eliie is a girl and therefor cannot play games properly.

  • Ranger101 #25 3 years ago

    Lara Croft does Stealth.

  • b00n #26 3 years ago

    Ellie should know we guys love to see girls in tight jeans.. and underwear.

    It's sad really.

    entertaining review though

  • Obiwanshinobi #27 3 years ago

    I'd like to play a new Metal Gear game starring young The Boss as a playable character.

  • kangarootoo #28 3 years ago

    1. This game gives me dejaVu for a number of reasons.

    2. Shutup about Darkfall ffs.

  • Schiraman #29 3 years ago

    Great review :D

  • dr_faulk #30 3 years ago

    Ellie, you cow. You always get me into trouble in work, because they know I'm not doing anything because I've got that stupid grin on my face while reading your reviews!

  • pankomentarz #31 3 years ago

    I'm a bit surprised really, not by the score the game got, but by the sole tone of the review.

    The humour's a bit lower than the average Eurogamer level and the whole text seems to be composed of psuedo-witty remarks (hahaha, straightforward sexual innuendos, way to go!), two, three sentence creatures that jump and jiggle trying to be funny... but they aint.

    Which doesn't mean I wasn't amused, being myself under an average intellectual level.

  • systems #32 3 years ago

    30 notes saved then. And I'm a steath fanatic, but only if I can do it my own way. What's all this nightie business then? Is that to show that she's on medication (i.e. hospital nightie, which looks slutty) or is it to appeal to randy teens (i.e. slutty nightie, which looks from a hospital)? Either way, I'd rather spend money on both halves of Arkanoid than this.

  • Vanmunt #33 3 years ago

    ha ha, thats probably the best Ellie review yet... don't ever review a decent game as your cutting wit is fantastic.

  • kangarootoo #34 3 years ago

    @pankomentarz

    I think you are missing the sarcasm. Smutty innuendo can be used for several reasons, one of which is to mock source material that clearly finds that sort of thing amusing or titilating.

  • pankomentarz #35 3 years ago

    May be. Straightforward innuendos revealing straightforwards attempts to lure the audience.

    Nevertheless, not the best review ever (maybe my English's not sufficient enough, being one of those dirty foreign pigs as I am)

  • GordonBennett #36 3 years ago

    Another interesting game that has failed to live up to expectations, then.

    Oh, Pankomentarz, stop trying to sound clever; you ain't.

  • pankomentarz #37 3 years ago

    Roger that sir!

  • MeBrains #38 3 years ago

    think of all the luck Ellie has having to play through all these lovely games guys!

    had a good laugh with it. at least Velvet Assassin produced something worthwhile.

  • spekkeh #39 3 years ago

    she talks with the same plum in her mouth and wears outfits designed to make you want to put your plums in her mouth.

    I KNEW Ellie was a guy.

  • Petulant_Radish #40 3 years ago

    Good god, you lot just want to have one big wank fest over this Ellie, are you really that devoid of ladylike interest that you’re practically junking your gunk into your keyboards over the fact she’s female?

  • spekkeh #41 3 years ago

    Oh god, I only just discovered the Darkfall thread, I absolutely jizzed my pants over that clusterfuck. Thanks for telling me!

  • Xeopuppy #42 3 years ago

    Excellent Review Ellie, BUT, I bought the game on Steam before any reviews came out, BUT, I also like this game very much.

    I guess I am easily pleased!!!!

    I love Stealth games like Splinter Cell and Thief, although it isn't in the same league as Thief, the graphic style of the intro reminds me of Thief's cutscenes.

  • AphoticCosmos #43 3 years ago

    Good god, you lot just want to have one big wank fest over this Ellie, are you really that devoid of ladylike interest that you’re practically junking your gunk into your keyboards over the fact she’s female?

    No, she is genuinely the funniest writer on Eurogamer.

    Except for Ed Zitron.

  • trooper6 #44 3 years ago

    Bummer. I've always had a soft spot in my heart for the story of Violette Szabo. She was an amazing woman and it sucks that the video game inspired by her incredible story blows chunks. Sigh.

    On the other hand, a bad game resulted in an amazingly wonderful review by Ms. Gibson. You rock! More reviews by Ms. Gibson!

  • Petulant_Radish #45 3 years ago

    “No, she is genuinely the funniest writer on Eurogamer.”

    I wasn’t disputing that, merely that the excessive fawning and ejaculatory praise is a little sickening, it whiffs of a seeded desire to be noticed by the woman in question, yearning to get verification that she sees your opinion and it matters to her, get a life funboys!

    I’m off for a Donor Kebab pot noodle and a hand shandy over Razzle, bye!

  • Hypercube #46 3 years ago

    Good god, you lot just want to have one big wank fest over this Ellie, are you really that devoid of ladylike interest that you’re practically junking your gunk into your keyboards over the fact she’s female?

    Well, that's confirmed that you are petulant. How are you going to convince us you're a radish?

    Anyway, regardless of her gender, Ellie writes well. Unlike you. Pfffffffffffft!

    It's just coincidence that I was also wanking as I was reading it.

    /synchronicitywank
    Edited by 2 at 08/05/09 @ 16:24

  • frycrayola #47 3 years ago

    I think Ellie has a face and pesetas.

  • Petulant_Radish #48 3 years ago

    /synchronicitywank

    Mmmmmmm. Hang on, this just got weird.

    Now Fapula, I am bored at work, therefore within my rights to say ‘get a life funboys’ as I am clearly better than all of you here, as my days are made up of waltzing around like a queen and eating honey bee pie hats.

    That’s much more interesting than being sat at a desk looking longingly out a window, don’t get so defensive because I questioned your sexual prowess, it’s ok, we can all be the alpha male on the internet, no one is any the wiser!!

  • Petulant_Radish #49 3 years ago

    Sorry I should’ve added nudge nudge, wink wink, for a bit of Carry On fun. How terribly rude.

  • john_silence #50 3 years ago

    Thank you Petulant Radish. Nice way of putting it into words.

  • Petulant_Radish #51 3 years ago

    Say nudge nudge, or oh er sailor, it makes it much more Kenneth Williams, and therefore infinitely better.

  • Retroid #52 3 years ago

    :D

    Sounds like a plum job.

    So to speak.

  • Petulant_Radish #53 3 years ago

    Good, GOOD!

  • RexRunti #54 3 years ago

    I think it is a little unfair to compare Ellie's brilliant writing style with Carry On... films.

  • Petulant_Radish #55 3 years ago

    I wasn't!

  • Kua #56 3 years ago

    Never heard of the game. Not interested at all in fact. But that was a cracking read. Good journalism madam.

  • Fleeby #57 3 years ago

    @NickEG

    lol

  • monkeywithnoeyes #58 3 years ago

    good job in calling a bad game when you see one.. and not letting the fact of them recently paying for advertising to sway your review score like nearly all other sites do!

  • Waldo #59 3 years ago

    I liked this game better when it was called Death To Spies, which in turn I liked better when it was called Hitman.

  • jonbwfc #60 3 years ago

    I dunno, really. I mean, I don't think you'd want to pick a fight with an Orang-Utan in a barrel. They're mean b!stards when they're angry and no mistake. Plus the barrel would be like body armour.

    Jon

  • Stickman #61 3 years ago

    Fuck. I should have waited for the review.

  • Plewt #62 3 years ago

    Shouldn't you always? :p

    Blizzard games excepted...

  • TheComedian #63 3 years ago

    'Violette appears to have attended the same finishing school as Lara Croft; she talks with the same plum in her mouth and wears outfits designed to make you want to put your plums in her mouth.'

    That is pure genious.

    The best thing EG has ever done. One of the few times I've lol'd at my computer screen.

  • bad09 #64 3 years ago

    "I’m off for a Donor Kebab pot noodle and a hand shandy over Razzle, bye! "

    I know what Razzle and hand Shandy's are like (nice....), but what are those Kebab Pot Noodles like? I'm disgustingly curious...
    Edited by 1 at 08/05/09 @ 20:24

  • bad09 #65 3 years ago

    / sends bighairynakedman a friends invite.....

  • Sycopat #66 3 years ago

    I laughed more at the Sylvia Plath bit than the plums bit. (Although that did make me smirk)

  • El-Dev #67 3 years ago

    360 exclusive


    thank fuck

  • concrete_d #68 3 years ago

    Ali G did the plums thing first. Just sayin.

  • cyber_nicco #69 3 years ago

    Very funny review, but what do you have against slutty nighties, Ellie?

  • El-Dev #70 3 years ago

    Actually, FHM have also given this a 4...out of 5.

  • Rash' #71 3 years ago

    Must say I had high hopes for this one. Shame.

  • Paper #72 3 years ago

    Enjoyable read, thanks.

  • morbidflyer #73 3 years ago

    All this talk of nighties and not a single exemplar screen shot. EG, your standards are slipping!

  • Skire #74 3 years ago

    great! another Xbox 360 exclusive!

  • Waldo #75 3 years ago

    "great! another Xbox 360 exclusive!"

    It's available for PC too.

  • domoslaf #76 3 years ago

    Somehow this review reminds me of one of my favourite (if not the favourite) Eurogamer's reviews of all time. It deserves to be mentioned:

    Heroes of Might & Magic V: Hammers of Fate

    And no, it's not just the score. :)

  • El-Dev #77 3 years ago

    "great! another Xbox 360 exclusive!"

    "It's available for PC too."

    So are the majority of all other 360 "exclusives".

  • LewisResolution #78 3 years ago

    This is an outstanding review, Ellie. A really good read.

    I'm surprised you didn't go into more detail about the completely irrelevant gratuity of the clothing, though. You can see her fucking nipple. It's totally unnecessary, and unrelated to anything.
    Edited by 1 at 09/05/09 @ 23:41

  • Petulant_Radish #79 3 years ago

    Nipples are normally related to the body, I've got nipples, could you milk me?
    Edited by 1 at 10/05/09 @ 11:49

  • Reihn #80 3 years ago


    Sigh . . .

    Well, I was really looking forward to this game. Very much in an "I'm interested, and hope it turns out to be good" way.

    I -liked- the sound of a 'morphine mode' game mechanic, and the idea of playing through the memories/nightmares of a graphic novel style version of Violette Szabo.

    I'm not disputing that some of the gameplay sounds a bit sub-par, but I think I'll still buy it and enjoy it.

  • Christian_Otte #81 3 years ago

    Wasn't there some other upcoming WW2 stealth game that actually looked pretty good, or am I thinking of this one?

  • frazzl #82 3 years ago

    I guess hiding in a cardboard box or barrel isn't stupid :p.

  • konnsky #83 3 years ago

    Ellie, I really, really like reading your reviews. They are outright hilarious yet still manage to stay genuinely informative. I think that's a skill not many game journalists nowadays have. Your ingenious writing style have always been, for me, the most entertaining on this site. Keep doing what you're doing cause you do it well!!

    Signed: Eurogamer reader.

  • BBIAJ #84 3 years ago

    Yet another "Look at me! I'm trying really hard to be funny, only I'm failing miserably!" review from Ellie, yawn...

  • p00ntang #85 3 years ago

    After the Tomb Raider review, I will always take Ms Gibson's opinions with a pinch of salt. I enjoyed that game immensely and I am enjoying Velvet Assassin. It's not the best game ever conceived but it does fill that Splinter Cell void. In my opinion this game has been savaged unnecessarily.
    Why not give Ellie something meaty to review like Fallout 3? I would be interested to hear her views on a game that isn't easy to squeeze cheap titty laughs from. It must be nice to know you're the comic relief on this website. How does that sit alongside your seemingly feminist viewpoint?

    x

  • Bluetooth #86 11 months ago

    I have JUST bought this game, and it is quite brilliant. Ellie's review seriously misses the point on so many levels.

    Shooting - she's an undercover spy, not a special forces marine or whatever. The best route is to usually avoid the enemy - distract them so you can go to the next area. Even shooting (with the Luger or Flare) should be used on lone guards only, whilst the silenced Colt can be used for taking guards in odd positions.

    Stealth - purple is no guarantee that you're out of sight completely. In that regard it is more realistic than most stealth games, where you can be right up to them and not get seen, all because the indicator says so. You must be away from their line of sight AND be at least a short distance away from them in order to stay hidden. Staying in the shadows helps with the distance.

    Linearity - shows you haven't played the game at all. Frequently there are alternate routes to take, optional doors that lead to collectibles etc...

    Conversations were pretty funny and dark at times... guards casually talking about genocide etc...

    I agree that it is a puzzle game more than a "stealth action". It requires forethought and planning... so what? Beats run and gun. Or cover shooting.

    And the storyline is pretty good, a reflection of dark times past. Did I mention the game was based on a real female spy, also called Violet? OK so she didn't wear a nightie, but it's hardly as ridiculous as the review makes it out to be.

    It's too late anyway, the studio who made the game have gone bankrupt.
    Edited by 1 at 26/03/11 @ 23:43