Valhalla Knights Review

By Alec Meer Published 19 May, 2007

But Valhalla's where Vikings went, not knights.

Version tested: PSP

Build your own RPG! Just select one answer to each question below, and you'll have a complete design brief for your generic fantasy hack'n'slash roleplaying game, bound to be accepted by any number of publishers who long ago decided that storytelling, believable characters and variety are just irritating baggage nowadays.

1. Character origin:

  • a) Amnesiac with a mysterious past!
  • b) Lowly peasant with a destiny!
  • c) Dethroned royalty!

2. Combat style:

  • a) Turn-based arena, ton o'menus
  • b) Hammer a single button over and over
  • c) Button combinations only a man with eight hands could master

3. Art style:

  • a) Beards, robes, sternness
  • b) Spiky hair, big eyes, incredibly short skirts
  • c) A bit steampunky - put some giant cogs in or something
'Valhalla Knights' Screenshot 1

Frogs, beetles and rabbits - all of them surprisingly tougher than giant trolls, it transpires.

4. Progression

  • a) Go where you're damn well told to
  • b) Shut up and watch this twenty-minute cutscene
  • c) One long dungeon crawl

5. Story approach

  • a) Shut up and hit these goblins
  • b) Shut up and watch this twenty-minute custscene
  • c) Read the entire manual and vast amount of supporting fiction if you want to even begin to understand what's going on

6. Dialogue style

  • a) Verily, forsooth, well met traveller
  • b) Shut up and hit these goblins
  • c) "..."

By way of example, let's reverse-engineer forgettable PSP roleplayer Valhalla Knights and see which options it chose.

Question one:

The lead character starts the game with no memory of who they are - this is, of course, a very clever decision because one in two RPGs use the exact same plot device, so it must be good. Anyone ever met an actual amnesiac? Didn't think so. Seems to me that there's no reason to think that fantastical types should be somehow more prone to memory loss than us mere mortals, and yet so many of them seem to suffer it. Perhaps it's a side-effect of wearing all that magic armour.

Question two:

It's a experimental but clumsy hybrid of traditional Final Fantasy arena fights and real-time button mashing. Interesting, but given the realtiminess, the archaic arena system (which even FF has now moved on from) feels even more crushingly artificial than usual. Monsters respawn endlessly and rapidly, so every journey is peppered by constant interruption or only sometimes successful running away. Apart from the actual act of hitting something, it comes across as parody of the traditional Final Fantasy mechanic - everything that used to grate about that is miserably exaggerated here. What's a lot more well-considered is the party system - like Dungeon Siege or Final Fantasy XII, you can program your NPC allies' behaviour in battle. You always have direct control of a party member of your choosing, but the rest should be stabbing, shooting, magicking or healing all by themselves. It doesn't feel as hands-off as it sounds, as usually you'll be controlling your best melee guy, so it's still very much your fight.

'Valhalla Knights' Screenshot 2

Every ability, modifier and effect is needlessly truncated to three letters, so deciphering half of them is pure guesswork.

Question three:

Instantly familiar as a fantasy J-RPG, but not one that tries to paint a unique world. It looks exactly like the kind of depressingly samey art that a million forum kids have in their sigs. It's not remotely concerned with having its own visual identity - except for one intriguing design decision. Almost everyone in the game except your party is quite horrendously ugly. Buck-teeth, disfigurements, big red faces, hunched backs; no wonder the NPCs are so frosty to your group of beautiful ones and charge a ludicrous amount of money for everyday items. It's a fascinating approach and, despite the game's litany of other errors, makes it very clear that you really are the hero here, not just some random mook with a longsword.

Question four:

Vaguely pretends you can adventure as you choose, but really it's just about getting slightly lost in a linked series of mazes with only one exit. Just as well really, as the quest descriptions are laughably unhelpful. An early one asked that I escort an unidentified and unseen chap through a dangerous area. After miserably checking every last corner of town for the bugger, I eventually discovered he's apparently been with me since I accepted the quest, but this is never mentioned. He only actually appears at the moment of completion, which happened accidentally as a result of frustrated blundering around. Another had me searching for a Hobbit girl an also unseen human boy was in love with; after fifteen minutes of aimless wandering, I found her standing motionless in a cave with her face pressed up against a giant's bottom. It's not that she'd been kidnapped (no reason was given as to why an unarmed midget had wandered into a monster-filled death-trap) - that's just where her character model had been carelessly dumped. I told her about the boy's feelings; she said she didn't feel the same way, and then I got some money. Perhaps I was supposed to feel somehow saddened by this tragic yarn, but as the only thing I knew about these two people is that one apparently likes to stand in caves and the other fancies girls from other species, I can't say I really connected to them. Some quests are slightly less asinine, but the courier formula is unwavering.

'Valhalla Knights' Screenshot 3

Extra party members are rented rather than found. It's like prostitution, but with mages.

Question five

A horrid mishmash of Final Fantasy's self-important epic narrative and an elaborate world you're somehow already supposed to know about. The game itself does almost nothing to set the scene - you need to find out where you are and why you should care from elsewhere. If you don't, there is only confusion. Not that it matters- the only reason to care even once better-informed is craving more loot and higher levels.

Question six

Most of the game's dialogue is endlessly repeated shopkeeper fare; the rest is laughably unhelpful exposition from a spectral companion. There's a hellish amount of "...", even by J-RPG standards, and many sentences don't quite make sense - it's either a poorly written game, a crap translation to English or, probably, both.

4 / 10

Read the Eurogamer.net scoring policy
Picture of Alec.

About Alec Meer

A 10-year veteran of scribbling about video games, Alec primarily writes for Rock, Paper, Shotgun, but given any opportunity he will escape his keyboard and mouse ghetto to write about any and all formats.

Read more articles from Alec by visiting the Alec Meer archive page.

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Comments (28) Latest comment 4 years ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • dirigiblebill #1 5 years ago

    Ouch. Well, at least the trailers looked good.

  • MadMirko #2 5 years ago

    The shit vs. good RPG ratio is suffering on the PSP. :/

  • Dirtie #3 5 years ago

    ...

  • Nithron #4 5 years ago

    Fantastic idea for a review. This basically entirely sums up why I can't stand RPGs... At least in their current state anyway

  • SeesThroughAll #5 5 years ago

    Wow, only took 2 comments for the trolling to begin.

  • dirigiblebill #6 5 years ago

    Puzzle Quest is the way to go. X-men Legends ain't bad either.

  • chupachups #7 5 years ago

    What is ... all about anyway? Is it where they couldn't find appropriate english so they just left it blank?

    Surely they could have made up something to use instead?

  • MadMirko #8 5 years ago

    No, "..." is the classic JRPG way of telling you that someone isn't saying anything.

  • dirigiblebill #9 5 years ago

    -but in a pointed or suspenseful way, like.

  • NewYork #10 5 years ago

    I say we replace it with:

    :x

  • dirigiblebill #11 5 years ago

    :x looks like a guy restraining the urge to puke.

    I say we assume all JRPG characters have a speech impediment, and mentally substitute "..." for "Arse!" in future.

  • sonsonate #12 5 years ago

    ...


    Wow, I had to watch this train wreck from moments before til the ambulance arrived and hauled off the mangled bodies. Brilliantly reviewed! Very humorous!

  • NewYork #13 5 years ago

    I like to think that

    ...

    is when they take a moment to brush their pretty hair out of their eyes and stare meaningfully into the distance as blossom floats by in the breeze.

  • Hugundo #14 5 years ago

    Having studied the picture on the front page i can say even without reading the review that this is a genuinely shit game.

  • immateriaux #15 5 years ago

    Whatever happened that Joan of Arc game that was to come out - or is it out? That sounded like an interesting enough rpg for psp. As opposed to this one, obviously.

  • Lov3 #16 5 years ago

    If you imagine the text as spoken dialogue instead of a book, "..." signifies a dramatic pause in speech. They're big on that in Japan. Unfortunately, it doesn't work as a dialogue mechanic in either language, and even if it did it would come off as pretentious.

    The only exception to this rule are non-character heroes, like Link. In those games, "..." signifies where Link is talking or explaining something, but Miyamoto doesn't want to put words in your mouth. In this context, it works really well when not overused.

    Great review by the way, very creative, but frank and to the point. Every clique about JRPG's it right on the button, which kind of explains why so few of them get translated at all.

  • smelly #17 5 years ago

    Most jap rpgs just end up with you just reading an "interactive book", with little or no interaction.

  • Steroyd #18 5 years ago

    The shit vs. good RPG ratio is suffering on the PSP. :/

    I agree especially with what the PSP is packing it should have PS2 quality RPG's, instead of PS1 ports... and absolute shite like this.

    You'll see Square will show how it's done, yes they will, they'll show you all how to do a proper PSP RPG game

    ....After they port FF1 + 2, Tactics. :/

  • smelly #19 5 years ago

    The thing is.. for portable gaming - i want small simple "pick up and play" games, which dont require much concentration when im on the bus/plane/train/etc.

    Games like loco roco, etc.

    I dont want big in depth rpgs that require me to think/long periods of time/or worse still - save points!!!!

    (am i the only one?)

  • Steroyd #20 5 years ago

    There's nothing wrong with RPG's the way they are they just need to trim down the length of which you find save points in Dungeons and sorted.

    Hell Ratchet and Clank might as well be an Action RPG the way it's setup and that is hella fun to run around and stuff.

  • HiddenAway #21 5 years ago

    immateriaux

    Game will be out in the US in September ish (or maybe June/July if you're lucky). Not announced for Europe but as the PSP is region-free, that's not much of an issue :-).

    Oh, and as for save points and so on, sleeping the console is a good alternative you know...

  • DjWhizzkidd #22 5 years ago

    Smelly you are indeed correct.
    The PSP does have good games, but they just arent suited to the whole portable gaming thing. Sony are trying to shove a PS2 in peoples hands, but its not that simple.
    The PSP is great, but I can see why the DS is killing it. I own both, and I prefer the quick and easy style of the DS.
    I realise this has nothing to do with Valhalla Knights, and for that I apologise.

  • smelly #23 5 years ago

    "I realise this has nothing to do with Valhalla Knights, and for that I apologise."

    It has EVERYTHING to do with Valhalla knights.

    It's not suited to the platform it's being released on.

  • Aysir #24 5 years ago

    No this game is just crap. There's nothing wrong with perfect ports of PS2 games. Look at Monster Hunter Freedom - nothing was really changed in the port and it stands as one of the best loved games on the PSP. Tekken, Ridge Racer, Wipeout, Daxter, Street Fighter, Gundam Seed are all pretty much console games on a portable system and you know what? they work pretty damn well on the go. They also all do what can't be done on a DS - good looking console-style action.

  • Genji #25 5 years ago

    ...

  • DjWhizzkidd #26 5 years ago

    I was apologising because I accidently turned it into a DS vs PSP thing !

  • Decap #27 5 years ago

    Ah come on, I want a great RPG for my psp! :/
    I already have Tales Of Eternia, but thats just "ok". Nothing great.
    X-men legends2 is also ok but I want JRPG. Oh and not any kind of Puzzle quests for me. D:

  • spookyzombie #28 4 years ago

    This has to rank as one of the hardest RPG's I've ever played. You just die constantly.