Two Worlds Reader Review

There are very few things I actually hate in this world, (hard to believe but it's true) mostly things just get on my nerves, I accept them and then move on with my life, like those people in their cars that drive past with the annoying "dum tish dum tish" music playing so loud that it drowns out the music coming from the MP3 player thatís in my own damm ears!

But aside from the things that annoy me in life, something that makes me excrete pure liquid hatred from my pours is a badly put together, piss poor abortion of two perfectly good video games! allow me to explain...

Two Worlds struck me as an Oblivion clone when I first started playing it, and if you have read my Oblivion Review, that can only be a good thing, with a few elements of Diablo thrown in there just to make it even better, now this would have been a fantastic game and one that would have been the death knell to Oblivion had it not been for a few things...well actually, had it not been for EVERYTHING!

The control system, the bland and boring combat design and the graphics, yes thatís right folks the graphics, oh sure their pretty, but not when the game is trying to render 20 - 30 individual trees and bushes and also trying to render a village full of houses, fences, people and horses whilst a band of five nasty little beasties are trying to carve their initials into my buttocks with rusty spoons, except I think that would have probably been more enjoyable than playing this game, and at least it would have been a funny story to tell my great grandkids someday.

When the game starts off you start in one of Two Worlds overly hyped "inside outside with no loading screens" bits, now I hate to break this to Reality Pump but there was a reason Bethesda Studios and nearly every RPG games studio put a loading screen every time you went through a door and didnít have the whole world open all at once and that reason is this...IT DOESNT WORK!

Now Iíll be the first to admit that I havenít played much of this game but unless there is going to be a magic amulet somewhere near the beginning of the game that takes away the overall shittyness and all the lag (and there isnít, I've already checked on GameFAQs), I wont be playing much more of it either. My hat goes off to Reality Pump for being consistent though, they obviously decided that if they were going to make the game run like Crysis on a Pentium 2 PC with no graphics card and chocolate bars for RAM chips then they were going to stick you with an awful combat system too, thanks Reality Pump! ^_^

During my brief time playing Two Worlds I found the combat system (if you can call mashing a button and hoping the bad guys die before you do a system) very unresponsive and glitchy, sure it had its good points, like being able to wield two swords which I personally really liked, but the targeting system, combined with the lag meant that half the time if I was anywhere other than an open field fighting only one enemy then by the time the game realised that I had swung my swords at the bandit in front of me he had lagged his sorry back-side behind me and was trying to dig out my kidneys with a rusty knife!

To give you an example of the amount of glitches in the control system, allow me to explain the wondrous method of Horse Riding, people who have already played the game know where Iím going with this already...

When I first jumped on my trusty steed I expected the controls to be similar to most other RPG's I have played, whereby you simply push the control stick in the direction you want the horse to go and hay presto, the horse moves similar to the character, however, Reality Pump seem to have missed that lesson in the "How To Create RPG's" seminar because they seem to think that horses in RPG's should not only have minds of their own, which makes them not always want to move when you bloody well tell them to but also have invisible sticks with little barbs protruding from their ribs so that whenever they pass within ten feet of a tree/rock/bush/blade of fucking grass, the horse locks up and gets stuck! Now Iím all for realism, but please Reality Pump, next time you make a game with your hands tied behind you back and you realise that your horse controls are shite, donít write something in the manual like "When riding a horse in the Two Worlds world, you are not controlling the horse, but rather controlling your character who is riding the horse, bear this in mind when issuing commands as you will be ordering the rider who will then order the horse to move" now when I read this comment in the manual I had one thing to say...WTF??? never before in all my years of gaming have I encountered a game that tries to explain-away it's design flaws (and the fact that I think some of the coding for the game was written by monkeys on crack) as a purposeful feature and even goes to the length of explaining this flaw in the instruction manual.

Now this review may be a bit harsh but I must admit I did enjoy a few of Two Worlds elements, the online adventuring option, (which I never got to fully enjoy because of...of yeah the SODDING LAG!!) the obviously expansive world that Reality Pump had clearly spent a long time on and I enjoy how using the disk stops me getting those coffee mug stains on my desk now but it doesn't matter how pretty something is, if its covered from head to toe in human and animal faeces then your not particularly going to want to pick it up and take it home to keep, because you know that even if you wash it off, the smell of rotting shit is going to be in the back of your throat for a long time to come...

2/10 And if you're wondering, it got more than 1/10 because the disc didn't shatter into a thousand pieces when I took it out of my 360, acting like a nail-bomb...though in hindsight that probably would have been mentioned in the manual as a "feature" too...


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