Hello Kitty: Roller Rescue Review

By Tom Bramwell Published 2 August, 2005

And now sod off, Kitty.

Version tested: PlayStation 2

Given the invitingly demented image you're likely to have clicked on to reach this review, it seems fair to guess that we're addressing a mixture of the bored, the curious, the parent and the Japanophile.

The bored and curious among you would do well to pay close attention to the following. Hello Kitty: Roller Rescue is an extremely bright and colourful, saccharine-sweet, formulaic, unchallenging and unremarkable game that you'd do best to ignore. The parents among you would do well to cut your children in half to establish their age (unless there's a better way) and then give up if they're old enough to throw or catch a ball. The Japanophiles among you would do well to send us obscure sweets and cuddly toys so that we can spice up our fairly boring surroundings. Oh and, if you're anything like some of our Japanophile friends, to have a wash.

Completing Hello Kitty: Roller Rescue will probably take the average child less time than it takes to get bored of a Pingu video. The formula goes like this: For one stage, roller-skating Kitty dashes around an incredibly fluffy and inoffensive environment bashing little block-men with her wand, occasionally having to do something as complex as retrieving a key to open a big gate marked with a pink arrow, and then stands in an illuminated circle and dances, which is the cue to fade to black. For the next, she does more or less the same thing, but perhaps with some slight variation in objectives and block-man personnel. For the third, she tackles a big block bad-guy who will be encased in some sort of nasty machine that has to be bonked several times with a nearby prop.

After repeating this three-stage approach five times, a final climactic showdown with the ultimate block-man takes place - and involves shooting his mech-like form repeatedly to give the people of Sanrio a chance to charge up a cannon and blast him into the stratosphere. That may sound like a spoiler, but it's hard to describe something as a spoiler when it takes place barely 90 minutes after you've turned on the console for the very first time. The final cut sequence, which shows you how the villagers were going about charging up the cannon, is literally the only thing in the entire game that prompted this reviewer to chuckle. (Or even emote, actually.)

'Hello Kitty: Roller Rescue' Screenshot muppets

Kitty and friends dance like muppets. Actually, no, that's not fair on the muppets - at least they had character arcs.

Along the way, Kitty is paired with a few of her friends, who follow her around bashing enemies who aren't already being wanded in the face by the good Ms Kitty herself. Between levels, Kitty returns home and discovers that she's unlocked a few computer-generated cut-scenes, some new costumes, perhaps some game music, and a few character biographies, which give you startling insights into the world Kitty inhabits. For example, Kitty's friend "Runabouts", a talking car that no creature in her world would physically be able to get into, is said to make whatever you do "a trip to remember". Hardly surprising, since presumably they have to hang on for dear life, and he has a tendency to bash his way through walls. More of these profiles, cut-scenes and the like can be purchased using coins collected in-game. Yawn.

The sense of boredom isn't just a result of our lack of interest in the subject matter, mind you. The actual design of the game is ludicrously unadventurous, and even when it threatens to shepherd the player in the direction of actual thought, it balks at the prospect and has one of the characters explain precisely what to do. When you've finished hitting the same button repeatedly to clobber block-men, followed the arrows between areas, or walked up to a tree to knock down fruit that replenishes the stock of health-apples you'd genuinely have to try in order to deplete, you're left fighting these bigger boss-blocks. They act in very basic patterns and the tools and methods required to destroy them aren't exactly hidden, but even so the game makes a point of telling you that you have to bonk one of them on the head or deflect rockets back at him, for example. The only time it's a challenge is when you are unavoidably shelled on the head by some pillock in a circular tank. Literally unavoidably.

'Hello Kitty: Roller Rescue' Screenshot rolling

You have to stay ahead of this rolling ball. Fail and you start the level again. Fortunately the whole level can be completed in less than 90 seconds.

Indeed, just about the only things that are likely to threaten you in any way are actually down to poor design. The camera has to be ceaselessly re-centred with a shoulder button, and, even if you keep it under control, it still manages to completely disorientate you if you're fighting in close quarters. Meanwhile, brilliantly, some of the spring-like enemies that are key to defeating a mid-way boss spend most of their time trapped under him or in the scenery nearby. Collision detection in general is pretty woeful, actually. Oh, and before you start to worry, yes, there is a stealth section.

Come to think of it, we're not the only ones destined to be rather bored of the subject matter, either. The dialogue is so straightforward and uninvolving that most people would skip through it without even glancing at it. Most infants would, too. "I've decided to save the town from the Block Guardians," Kitty announces to her mother. "That's wonderful dear - we're all very proud of you," her previously shackled, caged and presumably soon-to-be-slaughtered mother responds. Have these people never seen Pokémon? Children actually have brains these days. This sort of straight-faced patronising gibberish just serves to slow down the process of evolution.

'Hello Kitty: Roller Rescue' Screenshot wheel

You have to wait for the wheel to reach the right point before switching it off. It's the most challenging puzzle in the game.

Hello Kitty's redeeming features can be summed up quite simply: it's extremely pink and straightforward, so the average three or four year-old will probably have no difficulty overcoming its obstacles. And, since there's a chance you'll have to watch them doing so, we might remark that the gentle loop of piano and strings that plays while you decide what to do on the "home" screen is serene and wonderfully soothing. We've actually left the game on in the background just to stop us banging our heads on the table as we write. It's doing its job rather well, as you can tell from the lack of head-splat-influenced sentence construction. Oh, sod it, someone's sat on the mute button. Aaaarrghkp'sdf'jlsdfz. Ahem.

Children. They are our future. Let us not shape them with tosh like this.

3 / 10

Read the Eurogamer.net scoring policy
Picture of Tom.

About Tom Bramwell

Tom is Operations director of Eurogamer Network and Editor-at-Large of Eurogamer.net. He joined the company in February 2000.

Read more articles from Tom by visiting the Tom Bramwell archive page.

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Comments (36) Latest comment 7 years ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • Thamuhacha #1 7 years ago

    I'll be honest, nothing less than a 10/10 would have convinced me to play a hello kitty game. And I would be suspicious of bribery at that point.

  • Blerk #2 7 years ago

    Tom? I was expecting Ellie! :-)

  • Derblington #3 7 years ago

    Ellie's Tom's sock.

  • Mox #4 7 years ago

    I can't find the big pic any more.

    htt p://marc.lacoste.free.fr/blog/images/HK40K.jpg

  • smelliot #5 7 years ago

    No offense EG, but can you try reviewing something good for a change? Although I must say reading this is hilarious.
    Edited by 1 at 02/08/05 @ 09:37

  • Thamuhacha #6 7 years ago

    >No offense EG, but can you try reviewing something good for a change?

    How do they know it's good until they review it? :-)

    And what good stuff is out in August :-(

  • OldWormsFan #7 7 years ago

    Worse than conker?

    :shock!:

  • Huntcjna #8 7 years ago

    Im buying it!

  • lothiaz #9 7 years ago

    Sorry but I thought that was a terribly poor review. The game is meant for children but they rip it apart for its immature approach. The game isn’t even supposed to appeal to an adult, that isn’t their main market for this game. But once again Euro gamer can’t put on their ‘open minded cap’. Next time, do a favour to the rest of the open-minded people who occasionally read Euro Gamer and stick on your ‘open minded cap’ and act like a professional critic rather than a blinkered.

  • kangarootoo #10 7 years ago

    Come on OldWormsFan, say something non Conker related. Go on, it might be fun.

  • jlaakso #11 7 years ago

    I was hoping this would be good. Sadly, it seems "for kids" means "don't bother". Although I do seem to recall that my standards were substantially lower as a kid, myself.

  • bloke #12 7 years ago

    Yeah - cmon chaps - give it to a 7yr old girl to review and see what happens.

    /stifles giggle and obvious 'joke'

  • PES_Fanboy #13 7 years ago

    Review Winning Eleven 9, it's out Thursday and is the only decent game out in August...

  • Rahul #14 7 years ago

    I'm inclined to agree with lothiaz in that I question the relevance of "camera angle design" or "collision detection" in a game like Hello Kitty. Perhaps considering the context and demographics and value of even attempting to approach a game like this with the same quality meter is worth thinking about?

  • Wobbler #15 7 years ago

    As good as Catwoman then?

    :)

  • posh_geordie #16 7 years ago

    Post deleted at 18:45:04 02-01-2012

  • Zuiyo #17 7 years ago

    Why not reviewing other games? As if there were not enough games released in the market.

  • lemonfist #18 7 years ago

    No, this time of year is the slowest when it comes to game releases, so the EG staff are left with crap like this I suppose.

  • DaM #19 7 years ago

    Quite a lot of us have kids though...my wife has set a ban on games till my boy is 7 (7! I was playing pong on the TV at 4, 30 years ago!), but if there is something OK to play, at a lot less than that....got to start them young, have to get someone to play with!

    Can't see the 7 ban lasting....with the house littered in consoles and games...

  • Rahul #20 7 years ago

    Well the thing is, children won't really be able to discern much of a difference between good or bad camera or collision detection. I'd wager they will have a good time playing based on how accessible it as and how well it's presented. Sure, collision detection might be a technical issue that gamers could consider problematic in the context of a game where collision detection actually noticeably important, but how much of a difference will it make to the audience of this game?

    Just because Tom and co, who are obviously not the target audience of this game, have problems with certain aspects of it, certainly does not mean the children playing this will. I think it's more valuable to review a game like Hello Kitty around accessibility, usability and presentation qualities (such as the nature of language used to construe goals and objectives, for instance) rather than technical concerns that are generally invisible to the audience. The reason they're even present is probably more a case of the developers focusing their attention elsewhere rather than on such issues to begin with.
    Edited by 1 at 02/08/05 @ 10:59

  • Aretak #21 7 years ago

    People whining about a Eurogamer review? I never thought I'd see the day!

  • Salaman #22 7 years ago

    Great intro .. how did you know I'm bored? O_o

    One thing I didn't get ... why would you cut your kid in half to establish whether it's old enough to throw a ball.
    Can't you just check if it can throw a ball?

    huh?


  • BradlayLaw #23 7 years ago

    These flash ads make my mouse wheel stop working. This makes me sad :(

  • Talha #24 7 years ago

    Great review. The fact that EG is getting an unparalleled successsion of lemons to review is great for world English literature. As for the game, hello, people, KIDS ARE PLAYING HALO AND GTA these days. If you have to give them a kiddie game, it better be good and must make sense. No lousy game can EVER be justified for being a kids game, as there is a kid in all of us and Tom would know he was not picking up Halo when he picked up this game to review. So accusations of lack of open-mindedness are pointless.

  • lothiaz #25 7 years ago

    I totally agree with Rahul, at least someone knows where I’m coming from.

    ‘’ As for the game, hello, people, KIDS ARE PLAYING HALO AND GTA these days’’

    Yep. And look at how many Parents are going ape sh*t over GTA. So think before you post, thanks.*sigh*

    Lets pick an example that isn’t a technical criticism but the actual criticism towards the ‘immature’ approach to the game.

    ‘’ The final cut sequence, which shows you how the villagers were going about charging up the cannon, is literally the only thing in the entire game that prompted this reviewer to chuckle. (Or even emote, actually.)’’

    Hmm.. I wonder why he didn’t chuckle a lot while playing. Reason being, because IT IS NOT AIMED FOR ADULTS (the mature market). They make this game sound bad for humour becase the reviwer didn’t chuckle more than once. Well obviously he isn’t going to find the game humorus because IT ISN’T AIMED FOR ADULTS.*sigh*

  • reflux #26 7 years ago

    I like it.

  • Talha #27 7 years ago

    Thats my point, Lothiaz. Stuff like this will only send today's kids in search of likes of GTA. If there were decent enough kiddy games around, sufficiently challenging and not an insult to children's intelligence, slightly longer than 90 minutes and rewarding, kids would be playing those instead of Halo and GTA. (Erm, maybe). Hello, if you want soemone to play your game, it should be compelling. I have played this Hello Shitty game and the most unforgiveable thing about it is its shameless length, or lack thereof.

  • Rahul #28 7 years ago

    Perhaps you could try looking at it from the developer's point of view; although of course without an interview we won't know what the real decisions were that led to the game being this way (it may just include mass incompetence or laziness), it's probably an honest design decision to make the game short and straightforward with a minimum of complication and more time and energy spent on aspects of the game that are immediately obvious to young children (and with Hello Kitty I think of 3-6 year olds, not the age that "plays GTA instead" which is almost certainly over 10 except in extreme cases) rather than technical aspects like those mentioned in the review.

    I won't disagree with the review itself as I haven't played the game and therefore hardly know what I'm talking about, but it would interest me more to see an article look at the game from that point of view and actually inform me about what kind of experience it is for my children, not what kind of experience playing this would be like for me or fellow gamers. I think that's what is missing from this review and that's what lothiaz is primarily concerned about.

    Nevertheless, Eurogamer reviews remain well-written, well-argued and in cases like these even somewhere halfway between satirical and serious. I'd only ask for a consideration that a 3/10 on a website like this one may be a 9/10 on a website dedicated to toddlers' entertainment. It's all about context and metrics.

  • kangarootoo #29 7 years ago

    @lothiaz

    You aren't a very happy person are you? Today we will learn the word "overreaction" and the numbers "3" and "9".

  • PES_Fanboy #30 7 years ago

    So it's only a bit worse than Conker?

  • pjmaybe #31 7 years ago

    LOL! Poor tom.

    Peej

  • fantabulo #32 7 years ago

    The game does not require a single concious thought to complete, could only be considered challenging because of the broken camera, takes just over an hour to finish and costs money, but hey! Kids are stupid!
    I remember when my dad brought home Smartin's maths adventures. I still haven't forgiven him, but at least that was educational.

  • Talha #33 7 years ago

    Respectable as your thoughts are, Rahul, I somehow don't think that you need to read a developer's interview (if they are out of hiding) to finally determine if a dismal game actually sucks or whether it is SUPPOSED to suck. Far more than the game itself though, what infuriates me is my friends here taking Tom to task for the review. It is just like killing the messenger. As for the game, it is just that adults often sink to lower depths than amoeba, let alone trying to match a child's IQ, to make games for kids. J K Rowling doesn't do it, and kids (and myself) love her.

    And finally, why this stupid game is attracting such passionate posts is beyond me, for I think anybody wasting so much time on it is a comprehensive idiot.. wait, oops, that is me as well!!!!

  • Rahul #34 7 years ago

    That's true, but like I said, I think this game is targeted at an audience far beneath the age group most people here are hinting at, and even JK Rowling doesn't write for those.

    I'm personally interested in what goes on in the minds of developers when they design games and the reasons that they choose certain directions in their games is often largely relevant to the final result (as with anything). So that's why I'd like to know, not so much through a developer interview, but just by actually considering their viewpoint as part of the review, why the collision detection is crap.

    If they actually did that because they didn't consider it a top priority for a children's game (which is perfectly reasonable, and putting your attention towards accessibility/usability is always preferable than technical aspects), then I'd say the 3/10 is overblown. If all you do is look at one side of things from your own point of view, as is the case with the review, then sure, it probably sucks. It's probably not a game I'd play. I'm still curious as to how the developers would defend it, however.

    I also disagree that very young children shouldn't have simplified and more accessible titles. There's a reason children's books have big letters and lots of pictures. Games should be treated in the same way, and given the age that Hello Kitty material itself is targeted to, why not the games?

    Basically, I'd like to see this:
    Completing Hello Kitty: Roller Rescue will probably take the average child less time than it takes to get bored of a Pingu video.
    actually tested before the assumption is made in the review that the game is flawed because of it and its grade modified appropriately.

    Nevertheless, it's not like it's such a life-critical expenditure of time that I demand Eurogamer reformat their review with all sorts of extra research on something as niche as a Hello Kitty game. That's not what this website is about, so it's hardly worth spending this much time on. Grats to Tom for actually sitting through it and then writing a dodgy article about it just to entertain us. :)

  • KraftWerk #35 7 years ago

    "The Japanophiles among you would do well to send us obscure sweets and cuddly toys so that we can spice up our fairly boring surroundings. Oh and, if you're anything like some of our Japanophile friends, to have a wash."
    ---
    Well, allright then. But a slight hint before complaining to the whole world would be nice, you know.

  • ProfessorLesser #36 7 years ago

    It takes you 90 minutes to get bored of a Pingu video?!