Lula 3D Review

By Ellie Gibson Published 20 January, 2006

A real boob job.

Version tested: PC

The Lula 3D box displays a picture of the titular heroine perched atop satin sheets wearing a bikini and stockings, along with an assurance that the game features "Bouncin' Boobs Technology". In other words, it informs you exactly what type of game it is before you've even opened said box - an "erotic" adventure aimed squarely at 12 year old boys.

The problem is that the box doesn't also tell you that Lula 3D looks and plays like it was developed by a 12 year old boy, on a 12 year old PC, at least 12 years ago. Nor does it warn that every minute spent attempting to play the game will make you feel like you've just lost 12 years of your life, and leave you wishing that you had some kind of mind bulimia so you could sick it all up and start again.

Lula, for those who aren't familiar, first made her appearance back in 1998 in a game called Lula: The Sexy Empire. A sequel, brilliantly titled Wet Attack: The Empire Cums Back, was released a year later and a variety of spin-offs followed, including Lula Flipper (a pinball game that's nothing to do with dolphin sex, disappointingly).

Now the blonde bombshell is back, sporting even less clothes and looking more like Pete Burns than ever. Lula now produces her own porn films, apparently, and the game begins in a Beverly Hills mansion where shooting is just about to start on her next movie.

Naked truth

'Lula 3D' Screenshot 1

Nice ass, shame about EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE ENTIRE GAME.

Only problem is, the film's female stars have been kidnapped. Actually, that's not the only problem; there's also the fact that it's up to you to locate them by completing a series of increasingly tedious point-and-click tasks, all the while putting up with dreadful controls, appalling frame rates and laughably poor dialogue.

It all starts to go wrong from the very first cut-scene, which climaxes with the utterly unhilarious image of a dog humping a fat man's leg. Then the game kicks off and it's time to start exploring the mansion, and to discover that the control system is just plain rubbish. You can make Lula look around with the mouse and move using the keyboard - but don't try to do both at once, oh no, or she'll start lurching in the wrong direction and wandering into walls with wild abandon. Hopeless.

Lula also walks around at an extremely slow pace, and as shapely as she may be, we defy even the most ardent fan to find gazing at her scantily-clad torso fun for as long as it takes for the woman to walk up a flight of bloody stairs.

If you do have the astonishing level of patience required to keep going, you'll get to meet and greet some of Lula's fellow porn stars - many of whom are engaged in some of the most poorly animated sex scenes we've ever had the pleasure of. Whatever "Bouncing Boobs Technology" is, it needs to be thrown in the bin.

Familiar faces

'Lula 3D' Screenshot 2

Lula forgets to put some clothes on before popping down Threshers again.

To make matters worse, the developers haven't even bothered to make the porn stars look at all different from each other - the lady wandering topless by the pool is identical to the lady enjoying a nice time with the man on the patio furniture, and to the two ladies taking a shower together in the bathroom. Now, no one's saying that unique characters would have improved the game a great deal, but considering it's been in development for nearly four years you'd have thought they'd have made the effort.

Or at least made the effort to make the puzzles logical, rewarding and generally entertaining - but no. Some are just ridiculously easy; for example, the video player doesn't work, but OH LOOK, there's a video cable on the floor RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT. Others are ridiculously obscure, involving no kind of thought process but simply requiring you to wander aimlessly around for ages until you stumble across some obscure object. Utterly tedious.

The game's presentation is terrible, from the hideous music to the stupid cut-scenes to the way that Lula somehow manages to store every item she picks up - keys, beer bottles, porn mags, you name it - in her already rather full bra. The voice acting is worse than you'll have seen in most porn films, if you like that sort of thing, and the poorly translated dialogue just makes matters worse.

So, to conclude, let's return to the Lula 3D box. Turn it over and you'll see a warning message which reads: "CAUTION: intense erotic scenes may lead to CHOKING, SWEATING and RAPID HEART BEAT." No one could argue with this as a general statement of fact, but with regard to Lula 3D, the words RAPID BANGING OF HEAD AGAINST MONITOR would be more appropriate. Avoid like the clap.

2 / 10

Read the Eurogamer.net scoring policy
Picture of Ellie.

About Ellie Gibson

Since joining Eurogamer in the mid 2000s, Ellie has written about subjects as diverse as the fall of Gizmondo, the rise of Hollyoaks actresses in Red Alert games and the noise a bear makes under NSFW circumstances.

Read more articles from Ellie by visiting the Ellie Gibson archive page.

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Comments (77) Latest comment 6 years ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • bionutz #1 6 years ago

    sweet.

  • Teeth #2 6 years ago

    "mind bulimia" - phrase of the decade!

  • a_random_gnome #3 6 years ago

    Utter wank... literally

  • Kingsadist #4 6 years ago

    I played the German-language demo of this filth and never even got a hard-on.
    What a sodding rip-off, in the most literal sense of the word(s).

  • Carlo #5 6 years ago

    And yet, in spite of all these obvious faults, you guys decided to review it anyway!

    /rolls eyes

  • Eldritch #6 6 years ago

    And rightly so!

  • Furbs #7 6 years ago

    Well, if this is as good as FIFA 360, I'm sold.

    2/10 = the new 8.

  • gaijin #8 6 years ago

    I'm glad EG decided to review this. I saw it on the release schedule ages ago and thought - bet that'll be an incredible bag of shite, shame it's so clearly a bag of shite that it won't ever get dealt its just EG deserts. And now, here we are, and it's a big glistening number 2. Lovely.

    shame Ellie got landed with it though. Maybe there were fears that Tom's customary editorial detatchment might deliquesce when faced with Bouncing Boobs technology?

  • gaijin #9 6 years ago

    hurrah for Furbs. Was racking my brains for a suitable 2/10 comparison. FIFA it is.

  • reality_cheque #10 6 years ago

    Nice ass, shame about EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE ENTIRE GAME.

    I'm glad they made this game, if only so we could have a humour review to enjoy :D

  • Eldritch #11 6 years ago

    Why 2/10 and not 1/10? Because you can uninstall it?

  • Huntcjna #12 6 years ago

    /orders

  • bunglebonce #13 6 years ago

    So is that 1/5 then?

    /coat

  • Eldritch #14 6 years ago

    "to the way that Lula somehow manages to store every item she picks up - keys, beer bottles, porn mags, you name it - in her already rather full bra."

    Uh, played any other adventures recently?

  • stephen #15 6 years ago

    Is anyone suprised? I think not :)

  • Stickman #16 6 years ago

    I l0\/3 teh b00bi35!!! j00 r ll gh3y!!!!!11!!1

  • MrAtheist #17 6 years ago

    Id give it 3 extra points because a dog humps a fat mans leg. That always cracks me up (see - Police Academy).

  • Eldritch #18 6 years ago

    @Stickman: Best comment of the week, mate!

  • gaijin #19 6 years ago

    @Eldritch
    or an FPS for that matter - tried swimming with a machine gun, crowbar, rocket launcher, grenades, 200 rounds of ammo and a Big Metal Suit recently? Damn their "accurate buoyancy physics"!

    I think we can safely allow them a few topological (? ed.) incongruities in their inventory system.

  • LetsGo #20 6 years ago

    nearly as good as conker...

  • #21 6 years ago

    @MrAtheist: Yay, Police Academy. Ye know, that had big boobies in it too...
    :-o

  • Eldritch #22 6 years ago

    @gaijin: Plus she DOES have some serious boobs, so her bra should be rather spacious.

    What really puzzles me: This "game" came out over here in Germany in June 2005. Did they spend half a year on the localization?

  • gaijin #23 6 years ago

    sure as hell doesn't sound like they spent the time optimising it, anyway...

  • Eldritch #24 6 years ago

    Can't polish a turd, mate.

  • Furbs #25 6 years ago

    Bearing in mind the subject, and the country of origin, I bet in this game you can.
    Edited by 1 at 20/01/06 @ 15:39

  • JonFE #26 6 years ago

    Should have named it Lula DDD ;)

  • rinoaMW #27 6 years ago

    2/10 - more than a little generous?

    I'd rather spend a few hours (*cough*.. minutes ;p) with DoAXVB's exhibition mode, than with tripe like this ;)

    EDIT: if I was voyeuristically inclined to look at CG ladies that is, of course... ahem..umm.. anyway...err.... moving along :)
    Edited by 1 at 20/01/06 @ 15:56

  • Eldritch #28 6 years ago

    In its country of origin it's rated 16, in the UK it's rated 12. Go figure.
    Edited by 1 at 20/01/06 @ 15:49

  • Scarbir #29 6 years ago

    Really? Should visit Britain for some reason.

  • gaijin #30 6 years ago

    admittedly there are precious few reasons for visiting the UK, but I never thought I'd see the day when untramelled access to Lula 3D would count as one of them.

    maybe you can get on a school exchange programme?

  • Eldritch #31 6 years ago

    Can't be food, weather or football though.

    /hides

  • rinoaMW #32 6 years ago

    "Can't be food, weather or football though."

    lol, no need to hide, its all true - thats why we eat chinese, indian and italian as much as we can, we migrate to warmer climates as often as we can.. and we're knocked out of the world cup all the time....

    :D
    Edited by 1 at 20/01/06 @ 15:59

  • Eldritch #33 6 years ago

    At least your sense of humour is priceless and one of a kind! (C: \o/

  • Furbs #34 6 years ago

    Forget this fellas. You want the Jenna Jameson virtual studio thingy. Now THATS quality :p

  • marmaduke #35 6 years ago

    Why does Ms. Gibson always get the shit games to review?

  • Eldritch #36 6 years ago

    I wonder, how many Brazilians buy this, because they think it's got something to do with their president...

  • Chtulie #37 6 years ago

    Because she got the Warriors, whilst the others were then left with stuff like beatdown: fists of vengeance and the other even worse one.

  • Teeth #38 6 years ago

    Exactly, why does she always get the shit to review?

  • Bertie Verified Senior Staff Writer, Eurogamer.net #39 6 years ago

    Only Ellie knows how to handle Lula, her technique flawless.

  • Furbs #40 6 years ago

    When is the first Bertie Review?

  • Perry #41 6 years ago

    Do tell Furbs, you have me interested

  • Aga #42 6 years ago

    I think Errol will buy this anyway
    Edited by 1 at 20/01/06 @ 16:28

  • IP #43 6 years ago

    :: Why 2/10 and not 1/10?

    One for each tit.

  • gaijin #44 6 years ago

    @ IP

    don't call Eldritch a tit, it's not ni...

    oh, yeah, I see.

  • BillGaitas #45 6 years ago

    hahahahahaha

    good point everybody, is fifa this good? ;)

  • Eldritch #46 6 years ago

    @gaijin: You're cracking me up, mate, you really do!

  • smelly #47 6 years ago

    LOL.

    Well it does have full frontal nudity! What more do ya want?

    I reacon if it was reviewed by a teenage boy and not a female it'd get 8/10.

    LMFAO

  • botherer #48 6 years ago

    What really puzzles me: This "game" came out over here in Germany in June 2005. Did they spend half a year on the localization?

    Half a minute. At one point one of the character's voice actor changes midway through a conversation, and then he suddenly starts speaking German.

    In its country of origin it's rated 16, in the UK it's rated 12. Go figure.

    Nope - in the UK it's quite definitively, and necessarily, an 18.

  • redd #49 6 years ago

    it will sell more than psychonauts...

  • rinoaMW #50 6 years ago

    "it will sell more than psychonauts... "

    sad, but true....

  • Errol #51 6 years ago

    phoarrww ! eh ?


    PPPHHHHOOOOOAAARRRWWWW !!!!!111ll!wtflol

  • cockeroo2 #52 6 years ago

    Without wishing to impugn the review itself, is it not a little odd having a woman review a title clearly intended as interactive pornography for teenage boys?

  • brains #53 6 years ago

    Looks terrible, but not to be a pedant...

    " the way that Lula somehow manages to store every item she picks up - keys, beer bottles, porn mags, you name it - in her already rather full bra."

    Hasn't every adventure game since the dawn of time given the main character huge bottomless pockets?

  • Khanivor #54 6 years ago

    You know ellie you could sue the pants off of EG by claiming sexual harrasement.

    Unless you asked to review this title ;)

  • wingZero21 #55 6 years ago

    2 out of 10 thats shocking this is one of the BEST GAMES I have EVER PLAYED!!!!!

    j/k :)

  • pjmaybe #56 6 years ago

    They must really hate Ellie to get her to review this...

    Peej

  • joephish #57 6 years ago

    Erm, isn't the appeal of such a game lost on a female reviewer?

    Not trying to be sexist anything but erm... isn't it like a woman reviewing FHM/Maxim etc?

    *shrug*

    Not of course saying it's good :-)

  • Errol #58 6 years ago

    Pics of Ellie ???!11!! wtf l0L ?

  • YourMessageHere #59 6 years ago

    Women should review FHM and Maxim more often. They'd see past the laminated tits and show them up for the meaningless pap they are. Surely the argument goes: to review properly, you need to be objective, so a woman is the only possible choice for reviewing an erotic game. Because, face it, all the male reviewers would be helpless before the Bouncin' Boobs Technology (tm, pat. pend.) and while recognising the utter arseness of the game be unable to not give the game a score of at least 7/10, hating themselves all the while.

    Joking aside, I think it's fairly apparent from the review that the "appeal", such as it is, of games like this isn't lost on Ellie Gibson, it just fails to even have that going for it. If I were her, I'd have a whale of a time reviewing this, which is to say, performing a sorely needed written coup de grace with extreme prejudice.

    And just because the "100 rockets" school of inventory management is a convention in gaming by now doesn't mean there's not already many much better ways to do it.

    I am curious as to why this isn't 1/10 though.

  • tengu #60 6 years ago

    "Erm, isn't the appeal of such a game lost on a female reviewer?"

    She could be a lez for all we know though!

  • Furbs #61 6 years ago

    Or real porn.

  • Xerx3s #62 6 years ago

    Whats this then? Elly feeling some digital 'competition'? ^_^

    jk ;p

  • morriss #63 6 years ago

    Ellie's just saying those bad words because she's a girl!

    /buys
    :p

    EDIT: /realises this joke has been told 1342 times....
    Edited by 2 at 20/01/06 @ 23:39

  • Stickman #64 6 years ago

    w x3 worldsex dot com.

    Just saved you twenty quid.

  • urban #65 6 years ago

    scary thing is, even if we got a guy to review it it'd still be shit :(

  • tenma #66 6 years ago

    the "objective journalist" doesn't exist.

    If the goal of magazines like Maxim are to appeal to guys then what sense would it make to have a *female* reviewing it? In many ways they aren't going to be drawn to it like many males will and the entire point of the magazine will be missed.

    <a href=http://eurogamer.net/assets/articles/a2170/ss_p review_lula_53.jpg>Hmmm</a>

    I like how her porn star intuitions include target locking in that shot.

  • ImGameCube #67 6 years ago

    69 comments already?


    oooOOOOooooh....

  • reality_cheque #68 6 years ago

    They should just release a porn expansion for The Movies, then we can make up our own rubbish plots.

  • Kafeen #69 6 years ago

    I find it hard to beleave you actually bothered to review a game like this. There been a shortage on games worth reviewing lately or did you just feel the public needed warning incase they had no common sence themselves?

  • tentonipete #70 6 years ago

    mmmmmmmmmmm clap.

    i can't decide whether to get fifa 360 or this....

    decisions decisions

  • reality_cheque #71 6 years ago

    Why should they only review good games? Reviewing games should be about going into the game with an open mind and making your decisions based on your experience rather than your previous opinions.

    After all, this MIGHT have turned out to be a well written, smoothly animated piece of amusing commentary on the state of the porn industry (or shock horror, it might actually have been arousing to people other than those who play Tomb Raider!), instead of the big pile of used rubbers and lice ridden pubes it actually is.

    I think EG should review everything they can, after all if even one person was saved from buying this then EG have done a public service!

  • Spanker #72 6 years ago

    It's reviews like this that keep me always coming back to EG! The reviewer's dry wit just cracked me up and the comments were an absolute hoot too. You Brits have the best sense of humour!

  • Brutalisk #73 6 years ago

    "to the way that Lula somehow manages to store every item she picks up - keys, beer bottles, porn mags, you name it - in her already rather full bra."


    I can tell from this line, that the reviewer is just plain biased. I couldn't care less about the game, but at least provide an objective review. Where do all the characters of all the other games store their myriad collection of guns and assortment of items they pick up? If anything, at least, they came up with a different, in'game character way of storing things; in her bra.

  • Carrybagma #74 6 years ago

    ^
    |
    |
    |

    Nuts?

  • Drakron #75 6 years ago

    As said, adventure games dont usually have inventory mangerment so pushing that as a "bad thing" does show the reviewer is biased.

    I do not like when women review games and decide write things as "OMG! Machist!" ... I remenber a VtM:Bloodlines review that was written my a women that was more interested in finding examples of were the game was biased towards male characters (like the blood dolls in the clubs that were all female) that actually reviewing the game.

    If they want to address such issues, then I sugest they review then for "Women gamers" or something that is CLEARLY by female gamers and for female games, generalist sites sould not have a gender bias in their reviews.
    Edited by 1 at 24/01/06 @ 16:15

  • Stickman #76 6 years ago

    For crying out loud, Ellie's not biased! It's a shit game, end of.

  • siiix #77 6 years ago

    Are you guys lost you mind?? Although the game play sux/boring, the graphic it self rocks, and the dialog is not bad at all, its just about 1 of a kind you cant put it in the same basket with games that have no legal problem selling (adult), all considering this game is awesome, maybe you guys are just a bit immature - need to grow up until you appreciate sex to rate a game like this, or maybe you are confused about your sexual orientation

    In this category there are maybe 5 games on the planet, if we compare this lula to them its a 8/10, don’t tell me that "Leisure.Suit.Larry" is better in any way

    OMG i just saw it was reviewed by a chick, now that explains a LOT : ) this review is TRASH


    yes it could be better, but so far no one (i know of) made a better game in this category
    Edited by 1 at 02/03/06 @ 07:35