Gene Troopers Review

By John Walker Published 20 February, 2006

Recessive.

Version tested: PlayStation 2

Cauldron, let's go. Come on. Let's take it outside. I challenge you, the developers of Gene Troopers, to a fight. Name the time and place, I'll be there. That's the only way we're going to settle this.

The majority of my time playing this game was spent face down on the sofa, having crawled there from my beanbag in aimless rage, thumping the carpet and furniture along my way. At one point, I bit my arm. I BIT MY ARM.

You know when you're in a service station, and they have that left turn, then right turn before you enter the toilets so no one can see in? And you know how sometimes when someone else is coming the other way, as they walk around the corner you drop down dead? NO. No you don't. BECAUSE WALKING AROUND A CORNER IS NOT A LETHAL ACT. Welcome to Gene Troopers, everybody.

The premise of this storm from the bumgut of Satan: you're someone who has been half-turned into some sort of warrior, and are apparently looking for a daughter you didn't realise was missing. Which means, during the brief pauses between load screens, you must first-personally shoot at some scenery-coloured aliens.

Ooh, but it's got RPG elements in it! In much the same sense that asking if you'd like me to wee in a bucket of pig manure or not before throwing it at you would be an RPG element. Dead enemies drop pink blobs, which give you DNA points and allow you to augment your abilities. In other words, rather than just occasionally giving you new weapons or tools, you choose them from a list. It's a new world, my children.

The first new ability allows you to see in the dark. It's possible to get right after the game's killed you about sixty-seven times by having creatures shoot at you from the dark. It gets lighter right about then. Such brains. Which goes some way to explaining the AI. Artificial? Tick! Intelligence? It would look stupid in a classroom of planks.

'Gene Troopers' Screenshot 1

The future's dull. The future's rubbish.

First of all, the game offers you occasional companions. Even Half-Life 2 managed to make a complete arse of this; in a project with feet already embedded in blocks of concrete disaster, it can only be another punch to an already bruised groin. Determined to either stand exactly three feet from you, or charge off to clear out the enemies from the next three rooms before you get there, they are either extremely brave or extremely stupid. Ha, I'm joking of course. They're only extremely stupid. After I crawled under an electric barrier, my elongated brown buddy stood stock still within its arcing stretches until dead. He collapsed to the ground, lifeless. And then got back up again. Which seemed odd. And he stood in the electricity, and promptly died once more. And got back up again...

Meanwhile, the enemies live upon that oft-recognised, but hard to find line between idiocy and genius. With pinpoint accuracy they can pepper your body with bullets from hundreds of feet away. Then throw a charge at a wall they're facing, and patiently wait for it to blow them up. Some stare at the ground while you kill them. Dropships merrily bomb their dropped troops the second they hit the ground. Others, as I might have mentioned, KILL YOU BY MERELY GOING NEAR YOU. Often, no matter how many times you shoot them. To the point where you start to accidentally self-harm and violate the couch.

'Gene Troopers' Screenshot 2

Ah, some sexism to accompany the unutterable tedium.

Each corridor or linear outdoor route is a pitiful series of instant deaths and agonising load times. Impressively, deaths don't even require even the presence of enemies. Inexplicable mortalities occur extremely often. After one load into an empty room, I dropped down dead instantly. That caused much laughing. Wait, not laughing. Something else. Crying. That was it.

Accompanied by regularly crashing one of the more stable gaming platforms in existence, this is about as disastrous a game as I've ever seen. And I played Lula 3D.

As if it matters with all the above, it looks weary, the sound is atrocious, and the voice acting a poor struggle against an utterly nonsensical script. Even the weapons fail to offer satisfaction. Either there's no visual confirmation other than the enemy falling over, or it feels like a nailgun unloading into your thigh.

This PS2 incarnation of the cross-platform offence is entirely without worth. It's agony in 1s and 0s. Don't even touch your bargepole with a bargepole.

1 / 10

Read the Eurogamer.net scoring policy
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About John Walker

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Comments (28) Latest comment 6 years ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • Talha #1 6 years ago

    Yeah, brilliant review. Seems like the one for 'so bad it is good' category.

  • Zero_ #2 6 years ago

    It's that bad huh? Might get it just to see how bad it is. See, Eurogamer.net. If you want people to purchase Psychonauts, should've given it 1/10. :p

  • Darkedge #3 6 years ago

    "This PS2 incarnation of the cross-platform offence is entirely without worth. It's agony in 1s and 0s. Don't even touch your bargepole with a bargepole."


    sound appaling - but doesn'e it say this IS the PS2 review at the top or am I stupid?

  • Machiavel #4 6 years ago

    Wow, who's instantly awarded it 8s and 9s in the average readers' score?

    /salutes

  • drumbaby #5 6 years ago

    Another system seller!

  • Steve_Ince #6 6 years ago

    "Wow, who's instantly awarded it 8s and 9s in the average readers' score?"

    The publisher? :)

  • Genji #7 6 years ago

    OMG EG IS BIASED AGAINST THE X36... wait.

    Oh.

  • Hicksy #8 6 years ago

    ROFLOL!

    Great Review :D

    So would you part with 50p for this? :o

  • Talha #9 6 years ago

    @TK421 : I am all for it, although I daresay GameSpot has that one sewn up. Now let's hope they come out with a sequel.

  • SeesThroughAll #10 6 years ago

    Spot on, Genji. Don't tease them too much though.

  • Talha #11 6 years ago

    @Genji:

    This game was reviewed for PS2.
    PS2 is a console, and a black one.
    So is XBox.
    It is on DVD.
    XBox also runs DVDs.
    People who read this review won't buy the XBox version either.
    EG didn't question and lambast the very existence of PS2, of Sony, of Japan, despite it having such a horror.
    So there, hence proven:

    EG ARE BIASED AGAINST XBOX

  • Genji #12 6 years ago

    I wish my mind worked as well as Talha's does.

    Kudos to you, my friend. It all makes sense now.

  • Talha #13 6 years ago

    Don't worry friend. You will learn.

  • drumbaby #14 6 years ago

    This review is SO pro GCN, I'm gonna hurl!

  • Eiskis #15 6 years ago

    Oh_my_non-existent_god! No game can possibly suck this hard.

    But, like TK421 said, this game has to be bought, no doubt about it.

  • Talha #16 6 years ago

    @blackdog: Huh?

  • Talha #17 6 years ago

    Oh, now I get it. Yes, I understand perfectly - only my dreams these days are directed by CoD2. So you can imagine.

    By the way your post suggests genuine writing talent.

  • Genji #18 6 years ago

    Blackdog's post seems to be a satirical look at the advent of New Games Journalism, a form of review where you spend a lot of time talking about anything but the game.

    Or maybe it isn't.

    And yeah, one of my many problems with HL2 was the AI teammates.

  • Talha #19 6 years ago

    @Blackdog: Hey man, that's a can of worms - don't touch your bargepole with a bargepole. I once suggested giving out separate scores for single- and multiplayer content on these very forums. My eyes still hurt from the responses.

    @Genji: What AI Teammates? They were dead before I so much as looked at them. Fodder, more like.
    Edited by 1 at 20/02/06 @ 10:46

  • botherer #20 6 years ago

    You've all completely misunderstood - it's an anti-Atari Jaguar review. I'm so biased against them.

    I HATE YOU, ATARI JAGUAR, AND I WILL HAVE MY DAY.

    "Sounds so bad I must have it. To see how bad it is."

    No. No no no, really no. Don't you see? I bit my arm. BIT! MY ARM!

    I didn't mention the car - the car that can't drive up hills. Or the twenty minutes of meaningless cutscenes midway through. Or that it autosaved FOUR TIMES during the unplayable, non-interactive cut-scenes, AND NOT ONCE WITHIN THE LEVELS.

    /dies
    Edited by 1 at 20/02/06 @ 10:46

  • Rufus #21 6 years ago

    Eurogamer said: "The premise of this storm from the bumgut of Satan".

    Fan of Chris Morris perhaps?

  • botherer #22 6 years ago

    "Fan of Chris Morris perhaps?"

    Very much so, Rufus. With the depressing addition of: until 2002, when he suddenly became astonishingly rubbish.

  • brainbird #23 6 years ago

    Hey, I liked the Jaguar.
    It was only that the games sucked. And the pad, maybe.

  • AHiFi #24 6 years ago

    Did any of you play the Xbox demo?

    Trust me, his review is justified...think Fire Warrior, but slash it in quality by about five.

  • Bursk #25 6 years ago

    This game has Bad AIDS.

  • Triggerhappytel #26 6 years ago

    "Don't even touch your bargepole with a bargepole."

    That's my favourite new saying :)

    I feel honoured; I think this is my first 1/10 I've seen since I've been a regular in these parts.

  • Talha #27 6 years ago

    @Triggerhappytel : I am glad someone shares my state of unqualified euphoria. And yes, I absolutely loved the bargepole one. Only on EG, eh?

  • Pho-Zoon #28 6 years ago

    quote: 'No. No no no, really no. Don't you see? I bit my arm. BIT! MY ARM!

    I didn't mention the car - the car that can't drive up hills. Or the twenty minutes of meaningless cutscenes midway through. Or that it autosaved FOUR TIMES during the unplayable, non-interactive cut-scenes, AND NOT ONCE WITHIN THE LEVELS.'


    No. No no no, I love generic angry review formats. LOVE! GENERIC ANGRY REVIEW FORMATS!

    /dies in an explosion of attempted humour and hyperbole.

    (Although I did like the bargepole comment)