Catwoman Review

By Patrick Garratt Published 6 August, 2004

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is put them to sleep, you know. They go to cat heaven. Apart from Catwoman, which will roast in the most virulent fires of hell. Shame. Nice coat.

Version tested: PlayStation 2

Order yours now from Simply Games.

Tattered, bloodied, putrid. Your house sucks you in as if by osmosis, leaving you weeping on the hall floor in a creeping puddle of gore and mud. Your wife, flesh flour, stares at you, arms folded, veins vaulting from her neck on invisible stalks. Your explanation of the reason you've been missing for four days, why you reek of petrol, why Dave's dead, why you've spent four thousand pounds on a man called Charlie and some ladies all going by the name of Jezebel, and why your interpretation of the phrase 'stag do' has to involve police chases and national news crews, is failing to wash. "It seemed like a good idea at the time," you whimper, snot bubbling from your broken nose. "It really did."

And so Catwoman comes to market. The gaming epitome of 'a good idea at the time'. Publisher EA is the wife. Developer Argonaut is the pathetic man facing life imprisonment. And the piece of code is the adaptation of the imminent Halle Berry movie of the same name. Catwoman is men in cheap trousers and white shirts drinking 20 pints of lager in a rubbish nightclub followed by swimming in an open-air sewer ditch in Reading. It's the perfect example of good times turned bewilderingly bad.

"40 shots of tequila and ECT, please barman."

'Catwoman' Screenshot 1

Catwoman is a third-person action game. You are Catwoman. You wear the same costume as Berry in the movie. You start in a jeweller. From literally the very first second you know Catwoman is terrible. It stinks of licence by numbers. You kick a few men by holding the left trigger and wiggling the right stick, maintaining no real control over what's happening. Then you're outside. In an alleyway.

Suddenly Catwoman becomes Tomb Raider, but with far less flexibility, if you can believe that. The camera is amazingly bad. In some sections you really are unable to see the path down which you're to progress. There's practically no camera movement, and this is itself is ridiculous. Pipes you're supposed to climb up on with your whip are hidden behind other pipes. You're already staring slackjawed at the screen, your forehead crimping in disgust. Similar to Angel of Darkness, the first section sees you having to 'get to grips' with the controls by making you climb through an alleyway, upwards over dumpsters, up walls, jumping backwards and forwards against the sides of chimney-type alleys.

Which would be fine, if controlling Catwoman wasn't hilariously frustrating. It's like listening to Aphex Twin on acid: you feel as though you need saving. You leap from pipe to pipe, but success is practically random until you realise that each obstacle is achieved in an absolutely set way. Press the right buttons and you will jump from point one to point two. Don't and you won't. There is no compromise. There is no freedom. The camera being so static makes life even more difficult. In a later stage, you have to stand on a mesh to be able to whip a purple mullion to swing out along a wall. If you just stand on the ledge next to the mesh, even though it's closer to the latch point, you're not allowed to swing. It makes no sense.

Trigger? Only if the barrel's in your mouth.

'Catwoman' Screenshot 2

The progression triggers in Catwoman are pathetic. The first one is to kick two cops into dumpsters so their lids will drop and you can scale them. If you don't do it fast enough, they jump in off their own accord. The whole concept of what's going on it completely bewildering. Everyone just runs around in circles while bullets from somewhere or other bounce off the walls. It's like the Keystone Cops. With a woman dressed as a cat in it.

The combat feels as though it has no weight, no impact. And the control method for fighting is catastrophic [theeere it is -Ed] You get on the right side of one of the men, kick him. He squeaks and jumps back. You kick him again. And again and again. Eventually he gets close enough to the dumpster and the next time you make contact, a cut-scene shows him flying in headfirst. It's not in keeping with what's happening in real-time. It's bizarre.

Wild Cat, Scaredy Cat, Alley Cat and Pussy Cat moves must all be completed, for some unexplained reason. You're not even told what these are. You can look in first-person, you're told after the first level. Using your cat vision in this way, you can follow the scent trail of your pet cat, Midnight, which shows up as a green, lingering, fartish gas. "Let's take the high road," says Halle when she climbs up walls. Thanks for that. In between levels you exchange diamonds you pick up for new moves, such as being able to disarm grunts with your whip. This doesn't help in any way. And it gets worse.

"Little Halle's 'going to sleep' now."

'Catwoman' Screenshot 3

Catwoman becomes beyond sloppy. Ultra-sloppy, if you will. Like the Houston 500, right men? In one section, you're swinging along on poles, a wall collapses in front of you, then you suddenly find yourself held by a policeman with one policeman in front of you, twitching, not doing much. Presumably he's supposed to be beating you up. There's no transition into this, no explanation. Why does the wall collapse? When did you arrive in the arms of a malcontent law enforcer? It's depressingly confounding. It makes even less sense when you realise you've paid £40 to be completely baffled as to what exactly is going on in this game.

Soon after this, you're being locked onto by completely ineffective laser beams which are attached to guns (somewhere). You're looking around for the exit in first-person. You see a barrel highlighted. You go over to it and kick it. It explodes. Nothing happens. You run out of the exit while the laser beams run sluggishly around the screen. "Party's over," says Halle, presumably resisting the urge to drink a few litres of methadone. Her words are horribly apt.

We're not going to beat around the bush. Catwoman is tired, trite, vastly clichéd 'ideas' lumped together with the cheapest wallpaper paste. This may be because, according to America's media, the film itself is awful, but there's no way that tells the full story. The general gameplay implementation is shocking, blanched of all character and utterly devoid of merit. Hopefully by now you've realised that you must not buy this game. Do not. It's not even funny. We're not even going to crack the obligatory joke about consigning it to the litter tray. Catwoman is truly awful.

Order yours now from Simply Games.

3 / 10

Read the Eurogamer.net scoring policy
Picture of Patrick.

About Patrick Garratt

Read more articles from Patrick by visiting the Patrick Garratt archive page.

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Comments (48) Latest comment 7 years ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • ThwartedEfforts #1 8 years ago

    My. Those sentences. Quite short.

  • ssuellid #2 8 years ago

    Sloppy like the Houston 500. Thats one I have not heard before.

    Is the film any good?

  • Ali #3 8 years ago

    Do the screenies on the page represent actual in-game graphical quality? Because they look a bit good. Judging by those lighting effects, I'd say they're highly buffed renders or cut-scenes, non?

  • semprini #4 8 years ago

    OMG wow it looks as good as teh movie!

  • pjmaybe #5 8 years ago

    if only they'd included "realistic halle berry arse physics"

    Peej

  • Eppo #6 8 years ago

    I agree Ali, those backlights look pretty awesome.

  • Eighthours #7 8 years ago

    So.....as good as Driv3r then! ;)

  • perilikid #8 8 years ago

    So if it earned a 3, then it must have some redeeming features?

  • tiddles #9 8 years ago

    The lighting is excellent in this game.

    If you leave the controls alone, the game will go into an idle mode which consists of lots of lingering close-ups of the character, who licks her fingers and winks a lot.

    Reputedly it was developed (or mostly developed) by Argonaut in only 8 months.

  • masterson #10 8 years ago

    3/10? You're kidding right?
    You're obviously missing the subtle nuances of game design, the amazing graphics, the sublime control system...
    Don't beleieve a word of it folks, Catwoman may well be the best game you'll play this year...

  • max #11 8 years ago

    Hopefully by now you've realised that you must not buy this game. Do not. It's not even funny. (snip)

    Order yours now from Simply Games.

    I love this site :)

    Max

  • Aretak #12 8 years ago

    I see the Argonaut lads have arrived... ;)

  • el_pollo_diablo #13 8 years ago

    Anyone dumb enough to want this game deserves to be disappointed when they play it.

  • patlike #14 8 years ago

    it's not just mediocre, space_ace. it's actually bad. if you want to waste your money on it, go ahead. just don't say i didn't warn you.

    and short sentences are the mainstay of... writing in short sentences ;)

  • patlike #15 8 years ago

    and for the record, two of those shots are mock-ups. the second one looks as though it's real-time.

  • Eighthours #16 8 years ago

    3/10? You're kidding right?
    You're obviously missing the subtle nuances of game design, the amazing graphics, the sublime control system...
    Don't beleieve a word of it folks, Catwoman may well be the best game you'll play this year...

    Either this guy is a comedy genius, or he's the most naive PR "guerilla" ever sent to infiltrate Eurogamer!!

  • Frank #17 8 years ago

    Mr Garrat that is a harsh and dark review.
    You're a scary man.

    Nice...

  • masterson #18 8 years ago

    I just know a good game when I see one, and I'm not afraid to tell it like it is. Catwoman - Makes that hack Miyamoto's contributions to gaming look like neatly curled steaming turds.

  • CyberClaw #19 8 years ago

    Yea one of the problems of this site, is that they use the PR pictures, instead of taking their own. That's only good for the game devs, cause the site can't show what they want, but what the PR sent them (it's a site's problem). I can't exactly see why this would be a redeeming feature of the site.. It's more like a downside, cause you don't get exclusive media, and you get screenshots which many times donnot represent the final product, although they are sticked in the review...

    Anyhow, who gave Argonnaut the link? This comments section is getting flooded with Argonautians... or people who enjoyed the last tomb raider... take your pick...

  • CyberClaw #20 8 years ago

    yea masterson, we already understtod who hands you the paycheck in the end of the month. So now, please, stop insulting people who are far more gifted than you, or your pals, and that unlike whom you seem to hold the banner for, has contributted for gamming alot, becoming a living gaming legend on it's own right.

    Insulting Miyamoto just shows how much of a messed up vision you have... do they give you a brainwash when they hire you, or is it a pre-requisite to be fanaticly unreasonable?

  • Chris Gardiner #21 8 years ago

    I suspect Mr Masterson is doing comedy. In fact, it's important for my sanity that this be true.

  • CyberClaw #22 8 years ago

    Yea, that crossed my mind as well, but that cannot be a satire... we all know that satire uses hints such as ";)" so that one can distinguish the fine art of being an asshole from the fine art of mocking someone with their own stupidity...

  • Xensor #23 8 years ago

    like listening to Aphex Twin on acid

    Been there, done that :) Actually if you really want some brain melting 'music' to listen to while tripping your nuts off i recommend a track called Quoth by Polygon Window. It will fuck you up and leave you a gibbering mess on your floor :) Ahem... And now back to our scheduled programming...

  • binky #24 8 years ago

    /makes no comment

  • masterson #25 8 years ago

    CyberClaw - You should probably get out more.
    You "fight for the honor" of Miyamoto with more vehemence than I would for my own mother.
    Sometimes a ";)" just really isn't required, unless the target audience are a bunch of overly-serious, pompous cunts.
    I'm sure the gentle folk at Argonaut would've rather been working on original IP with a vast budget and a deadline of "when it's ready", but alas there are precious few in the UK development community that have that luxury.

  • Eighthours #26 8 years ago

    I just know a good game when I see one, and I'm not afraid to tell it like it is. Catwoman - Makes that hack Miyamoto's contributions to gaming look like neatly curled steaming turds.

    So tell me, are you the Empire reviewer who gave N64 Goldeneye 2/5, the BBC online games reviewer, or do you work for the Daily Mail? Perhaps all 3!!

  • CyberClaw #27 8 years ago

    masterson, I can't quite follow you. You kick someone in the balls, and you say it's a jk? Not really funny. I mean well it might be but that's besides the point. Satire, in internet is way more fragile than in real life. You need to hint at the idea of satire, otherwise, people will just assume you are an asshole. You are a games geek, posting in a forum... those are usually the requirements for net assholes...

    As for defending Miyamoto with more heart than you'd defend your mother, well, I do stand for artists I like the artwork of. I wouldn't like someone taking a piss at Mozzart, and I don't like someone taking a piss at Miyamoto...

  • Errol #28 8 years ago

    Hot woman in tight leather outfit !

  • masterson #29 8 years ago

    Mozart? Don't even get me started on that talentless wanker...

  • CyberClaw #30 8 years ago

    I didn't know there were wanking talents...

  • mash the x button #31 8 years ago

    If you really need this game I suggest waiting a couple of weeks when it will be handed out for free with the comic.

  • masterson #32 8 years ago

    Y'know - like swapping hands at half-time...

  • Kami #33 8 years ago

    Thing is, the film has Halle Berry. Wearing very little, save skin-tight PVC. It's gonna be a box-office smash, no matter how crap it is.

    I think it'll be huge amonst the hormonal teenagers... the guys think with the little brain, not the big one...
    Edited by 1 at 06/08/04 @ 13:12

  • CyberClaw #34 8 years ago

    wait, but isn't argonaut the name of their company? If the name of their comapny was argo, then they'd be argonauts. But the name of their company is argonaut (which is stupid becuse it's a name applyed to a person, but still one should take it as a madeup word)
    So they're people from argonaut, ence they can't be argonauts. I called them argonautians, but they could be argonauteese as well... They can't simply be argonauts, cause that's already the name of where they are from.

  • Eighthours #35 8 years ago

    Thing is, the film has Halle Berry. Wearing very little. It's gonna be a box-office smash, no matter how crap it is...

    Clearly you don't follow film. It flopped incredibly badly in its opening weekend in the States. Thank God.

  • CyberClaw #36 8 years ago

    I wrote something better than this in about 1 hour... It's called "Hello World"... :D (actually it takes less than a minute, but it'd loose the funny bit if I overdid the timing)

  • Kami #37 8 years ago

    "Clearly you don't follow film. It flopped incredibly badly in its opening weekend in the States. Thank God."

    I don't follow films, because a lot of them are utter shite and a waste of money. Only film I'm looking forwards to is, obviously (Most should probably know this one was coming) Resident Evil.

    However, it's strange that it flopped. I'd have thought Halle Berry in that outfit would have been worth the admission price alone... mind you, I guess cinemas don't like having young teenage men (and probably older too) in the back row playing "Pull the Bellrope"...

  • CyberClaw #38 8 years ago

    Hello world can indeed be made to work in the Xbox. Although I'd have to change most of the code to C++, it'd take me oohh... five seconds to do it, and possibly 10 to compile the XBE.

    Argo is Jason's ship. The guys who are in the argo, are the argonauts. That's why they aren't argonauts, cause argonauts are people who navigate in a ship called argo. They are guys who work in a software company called argonaut, which is a reference to those people.

    But the same way, a software firm called astronaut, doesn't mean the programers working there are called astronauts...

  • masterson #39 8 years ago

    "But the same way, a software firm called astronaut, doesn't mean the programers working there are called astronauts... "

    No, they'd be "astronautians" silly
    Edited by 1 at 06/08/04 @ 13:31

  • CyberClaw #40 8 years ago

    I dunno what it's called in english when you make up a word to convey a thought... That's what I did... The word you sugest, is not applyable IMO. Ence, I could call it developers working for Argonaut, or, make up some funny sounding word like argonautians...

  • bloke #41 8 years ago

    The ship (of geek mythology) was call the Argo, wasn't it?

    So the crew were Argo-nauts.

    So the team must be Argonaut-nauts, yes? ;-)

  • mash the x button #42 8 years ago

    Hmmp. I see this cack is on all the other consoles as well. Don't be fooled!

  • Nillsens #43 8 years ago

    Y'know, creating this game, releasing this game, promoting this game and linking to a place where you can BUY this game should all have been criminal offenses. I haven't played it, but you don't have to be psychicly gifted to make an accurate prediction about it.
    I can remember how dismissive the lot of us were when we saw the trailer last time we went to the flicks. "That's going to... suck. Hard," was the general feeling.

    Sure you can feel sorry for the team, but honestly it would have been more noble of them if they would have doused themselves and their office in kerosine rather than knowingly realease such tripe which will potentially rob the mentally deficient of their money. Which should also be a criminal offense...
    The dev. team undoubtedly knew it was a terrible game in the first place, but as long as they get paid I'm sure they don't care which unfortunate soul falls into their trap.
    On a last note, giving this a 3 is a horrible insult to Driv3r.
    Edited by 1 at 06/08/04 @ 16:35

  • Grom #44 8 years ago

    But EXO was 95% done, code:ninja - didn't you know! It could be released tomorrow, to massive critical acclaim and dropped jaws everywhere... NEVER FORGET!

    http://www.mu rky.net/grom/exobridge.jpg

  • Sko #45 8 years ago

    "So the team must be Argonaut-nauts, yes? ;-) "

    No, Argonaughties.

  • bloke #46 8 years ago

    Argonaughties - I like that :-))

    JC

  • Kami #47 8 years ago

    I don't think she's too bad. Her role in Bond was lame, I agree (But then, the kiss of death for ANY film is when it has Madonna in it, surely?) but she was pretty good in Monsters Ball and Gothika.

    Wouldn't go as far as "talentless", I just think certain roles perhaps suit her better, is all. Saw the Catwoman trailers and her lines seem so bland and predictable... I am all for a bit of overacting and cliche stuff but perhaps a case of trying to take itself TOO seriously for its own good?

  • sumanai #48 7 years ago

    So would I end up catatonic from playing this?

    What I wonder is how nobody yet made that horrible little pun.