It's no good, I have to come clean. I can't stand it anymore: the guilt, the lies, the anxious covering up. You see I've had an affair... with Paris Hilton.
It started out simply enough. She caught my eye, I got her on my phone, we spent a little time together. Then it got more serious. She asked me to join her on a jaunt around the world - to New York, Rio, London, Sydney, Tokyo, all her favourite party towns. Truth is, I never even got to see any of the cities in question.
It was all thanks to Paris' insatiable desire for gems. She just adores the glitter: diamonds, emeralds, topaz, sapphires, and one is never enough. I had to line up at least three in a row to make her happy, swapping them around on a huge grid until those that had lined up would disappear into her bag, only to be replaced by another handful from the top of the screen.
I didn't mind doing it to be honest. The basic task seemed pretty simple and the experience was as fun as it was hectic. Combination chains, special power-ups for connecting four or more and plenty of flashing lights added a real glitzy feel to the jewel sorting cocktail and the gems kept on flowing like the Moet Chandon on a night out with Nicci.
Besides, each level only took a couple of minutes. At first, anyway - the further we went, the more demanding Paris became and the more jewels were required to satisfy her.
I suppose I should have seen the warning signs, but I couldn't stop. She'd got me hooked on gem collecting and whenever I started to flag she'd lead me on with flirty remarks, smiling pictures and promises of rewards. She'd even try different things to keep the gem collecting interesting, such as memory tests, puzzles, or hiding the letters of her name behind certain tiles. There must have been about six different types of challenge she'd set me on our trip, with another four styles unlocked and awaiting me when we got back home.
My friends tried to help. They said I was being ridiculous, that she was too young for me, that our relationship was just a casual thing. They argued that Paris was too simple, that she couldn't offer me a sustained challenge. To an extent they were right.
Whilst other girls play more complex and unforgiving games (my fling with i-Play's Jewel Quest was far more taxing), it was almost impossible to lose at Diamond Quest. Paris was never particularly tough with her time limits, and even when I ran out of possible tiles to swap, she would just shuffle the board.
What's more, with just six different colours of gems and no perceivable increase in difficulty between levels (other than having to collect more) the test became one of endurance rather than intelligence.
But for a week or so, Paris was just such good fun I didn't care - she'd hooked me and I couldn't give up. Once I'd finished her tasks the first time, I completed them all again to ensure I'd collect extra tokens of her affection. Heck, I even dedicated three tube journeys to finishing the bonus game 'Diamonds are Forever', collecting 10,000 gems.
By this stage, though, the white heat of passion had burned out. The last few encounters were very much a case of going through the motions, and I knew the affair was over. I pledged to stay in touch, and maybe I will spend the odd five minutes on a train edging towards the final remaining goal of collecting 5,000 of each gem.
Then again, maybe I won't.
I've moved on, but I'll never forget the intense week we spent together. She was everything I wanted in a mobile encounter - fun, bubbly, easy to get into - and when we were together the time just flew by.
7 / 10