Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad Review

By Ellie Gibson Published 5 March, 2009

Tits, and definitely arse.

Version tested: Xbox 360

The opening cut-scene tells you all you need to know about Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad. The title tells you all you need to know actually, but anyway. A bottom is having a shower. It's all rosy and rounded and pert, like two boiled eggs wrapped in a velvet handkerchief. Steam rises as the bottom sways gently under the cascading water. The aesthetic is only ruined by a dirty great tramp stamp, which is probably supposed to be the Celtic symbol for peace or serenity or dolphins but looks more like a Rorschach test for whether you're likely to kill dogs.

Cut to another room in the same apartment. A pre-pubescent girl in a school uniform is watching a news report about zombies. She shouts something to the bottom, which turns out to be attached to a hot chick. The Hot Chick races into the lounge, her modesty protected only by a pot plant in the foreground, where she pulls on a pair of microscopic pants and prepares for battle.

What would you equip yourself with in this situation? A kevlar vest, perhaps? Camouflage gear? A nice pair of sensible shoes? Don't be ridiculous. The most suitable attire for fighting an army of flesh-hungry mutants is a bikini, thigh-high boots, a feather boa and a cowboy hat. For everyone knows that zombies have no fear of military operatives, but are terrified of strippers and Venga Boys.

So yes, you'll probably have the measure of Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad by the end of the first cut-scene. If not, you'll have the measure of it within five seconds of playing the first level. This is how long it takes to work out what you're supposed to do for the entirety of the game (kill all the monsters) and how you're supposed to do it (mash all the buttons).

'Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad' Screenshot 1

Come and have a go if you think you're... Yeah.

It's good fun, for the first ten minutes. Slashing enemies to bits is easy and enjoyable, and the visuals are satisfyingly spurty. It's possible to sever the torsos of several enemies at a time without difficulty, and watch as their bottom halves wander helplessly about. It's not long before Hot Chick is covered in blood, great big splashes of it dripping off her feather boa and pooling in the brim of her cowboy hat.

But it's also not long before you notice the game features the kind of rotten clichés that ought to have been outlawed ten years ago. There are invisible walls everywhere, so even though your character is spectacularly acrobatic, she can't jump over a foot-high fence. Enemies are pitifully slow and thick. To stop you just racing past them to the next exit, you're regularly trapped in confined areas by fences which magically appear out of the ground. You can't jump over them, as they're a whole three feet high, so you just have to keep slashing away at enemies until the fences disappear. Sometimes you'll need a key to access the next area, but it'll be nowhere to be found. Once again, it's a matter of mowing down zombies until the key magically appears.

The combat is similarly hackneyed and repetitive. Most enemies can be dispatched with a single button press, but hold down two buttons at once and you can perform a supremely effective combo move that stops time and takes out all enemies in the immediate vicinity. Fun at first, dull after the 1587th time. Even the first boss can be defeated just by performing this move again and again. He won't get the chance to take a swipe at you, and you'll topple him without sustaining a scratch.

'Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad' Screenshot 2

Bloody zombies.

If you want to mix things up a bit - and you undoubtedly will, more than, say, you've ever wanted to have sex with anyone in your life - you can use the left trigger to switch control between Hot Chick and Pre-Pubescent Schoolgirl. They each have special moves and combos, but are equally good at decking zombies. I'd go with Hot Chick for preference. This is because the way the Pre-Pubescent Schoolgirl's skirt flies up at the slightest provocation, revealing her tiny white pants and very nearly her Coco Hernandez, makes me feel uncomfortable.

Though not quite as much as the animation of her in the costume-customisation tool, where she jiggles up and down in just a bra and knickers, and you can rotate the camera underneath her so... Yeah. You can call me a prude or a miserable old dried-up feminist lesbian if you like, or just a lesbian for knowing you can do that with the camera. But this girl is not so much "barely legal" as "barely eligible for the key stage 3 assessment exam".

Besides, Hot Chick has bigger tits, and they waggle about in a way that makes the Dead or Alive girls look like they're wearing sports bras. The tits move independently from Hot Chick's body at almost all times, as if they have not just a life of their own but a job, a mortgage, a long-term relationship and a Facebook account.

There's also a third character you can play as, called Busty Policewoman. (Actually her name is Annna. Sic.) Unlike Hot Chick and Pre-Pubescent Girl, who are armed with samurai swords, Busty Policewoman is equipped with guns. Two pistols, an Uzi and a shotgun, to be precise. She's not brilliant at firing them though, even if you've got a lock-on, so you probably won't be too bothered about her after a while.

In fact you won't be too bothered about anything, as you'll find yourself running round the same old dull, cramped environments, killing the same old shambling zombies using the same old button presses. It's all so monotonous and effortless I started to wonder if I was missing something, so I turned to the instructions sent with the game. (Yes, perhaps I should have done this earlier. Or, perhaps the game should have provided me with some helpful guidance as I went along, as has been the custom since 1993.)

It does indeed transpire the combat system is much more complex than it appears. There are upward slashes, jumping kicks, taunts, counter attacks and all manner of other moves to perfect. There are combos with names like Chaotic Luster Maelstrom and Energy Wave Ecstasy Attack. Most of these are insanely complicated. The Cool Combo, for example, billed as "the toughest combo to perform in the game", is explained over the course of three pages, seven paragraphs and 650 words. Though from what I can tell it could be summarised as "keep pressing X ".

Then there's Rampage Mode, which characters enter when they are totally covered in blood. It makes them move twice as fast and deliver double the damage. Great, except they also take double the damage, and their health meter drains constantly. Which makes it one of the more rubbish berserker modes ever invented, especially when you consider the only way to stop Rampage Mode is to finish the level, die, visit something called a Goddess Statue, or use a Goddess Statue Fragment (of which you can only carry three at a time).

'Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad' Screenshot 3

"NO ONE touches my Hannah Montana lunchbox."

The instructions are full of nonsense like this. Take this excerpt from the section on Ecstasy Attacks: "Additionally if the Ecstasy Meter of any character, other than Annna, fills and they do not use an Ecstasy Attack, then the inactive character's Ecstasy Meter will also begin to fill. The inactive character's Ecstasy Meter will fall if the active character is not attacking enemies." Aaaa.

I tried. I went back to the game and attempted to perform some of the combos, to apply some of the knowledge, to give a toss about Yellow Orbs and Vitality Points and the fact that the duration of Clear Sight Mode can be lengthened by the use of the Clear Sight Bracelet. I failed. Because why bother, when the level of challenge is so low you can get by with button-mashing anyway?

Perhaps because you're the kind of person who loves getting to grips with complicated control systems, working out flashy combos and deciphering pages of poorly-written instructions. Even so, why bother when all you'll get for your trouble is yet more boring environments, thick enemies, pathetic bosses and stupid cut-scenes? This game looks and plays like it was made 15 years ago, and fans of the genre have had much better titles to choose from since then.

Many of those have had better co-op modes, too, than the dreadful split-screen offering in Onechanbara. Just navigating your way around is painful, thanks to a camera that's terrifically slow to rotate. There are also some fundamental design flaws; for example, when you pull off that oh-so-useful combo move that stops time for your enemies, it also stops time for your partner. Whatever manoeuvre they might be in the middle of, they have to watch and wait until you're done.

'Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad' Screenshot 4

"Now you will come with ME, surviving Jonas Brother."

Even if you're playing on your own there's an awful lot of watching and waiting, as the loading times are appalling. The developers must have been aware of this, as they turned the loading screen into a funny little mini-game. You control a 2D cartoon version of Hot Chick, who runs around slashing up cartoon zombies. It's all quite cute and engaging, the first time round. When it's 90 minutes later, and you've spent what feels like 87 of those minutes staring at the loading screen, it's not so cute. You just want to feed cartoon Hot Chick to the cartoon zombies, feet first, so they can see the whites of her eyes as they lick out the insides of her knees.

There's nothing wrong with a good, solid hackandslasher that doesn't pretend to be anything else. But this game is fundamentally flawed, from the daft control system to the bizarre difficulty curve to the appalling presentation. Yes, it's got semi-naked ladies in it, but is that really enough to make it worth playing? The internet is full of naked ladies these days, and you can see it going in and out, and most of them are old enough to remember a time when Princess Diana was alive.

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad might have been enjoyable, in a silly, disposable way, if the gameplay was halfway decent. It isn't, and not even the nicest bottom in the world can make up for that.

3 / 10

Read the Eurogamer.net scoring policy
Picture of Ellie.

About Ellie Gibson

Since joining Eurogamer in the mid 2000s, Ellie has written about subjects as diverse as the fall of Gizmondo, the rise of Hollyoaks actresses in Red Alert games and the noise a bear makes under NSFW circumstances.

Read more articles from Ellie by visiting the Ellie Gibson archive page.

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Comments (76) Latest comment 3 years ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • Fab4 #1 3 years ago

    I'm surprised M$ allow them to flout their sexuality so much.

  • muscleblade #2 3 years ago

    This is going to sell quite a lot of copies.

  • DB2k #3 3 years ago

    ha ha funny review... After seeing the games title I just knew it was going to be an Ellie special.

  • JohnnyWashnGo #4 3 years ago

    Sold !

    I might even buy a 360 to play it on ;)
    Edited by 1 at 05/03/09 @ 08:48

  • Buztafen #5 3 years ago

    "You just want to feed cartoon Hot Chick to the cartoon zombies, feet first, so they can see the whites of her eyes as they lick out the insides of her knees."

    Oooooo saucy!!

    This game will sell, make no mistake.

    /buys

  • metalangel #6 3 years ago

    Cripes. I don't know what's worried me more - that Ellie wants porn where "you can see it going in and out" or that she likes being "licked out" in her kneepits.

  • CapnCloudchaser #7 3 years ago

    Sounds like GOTY!

  • DFawkes #8 3 years ago

    I still say it isn't that bad. It's certainly a bucketload deeper than suggested. It's certainly got approximately hte same depth as Devil May Cry. Oh, and that sumpreme combo that you can keep using takes health off too, to stop you spamming it 1587 times - though one of the achievements is for doing it over and over again.

    That Rampage mode is bloody awful though. Trigger it and most likely die. Not exactly handy, as anyone who's done the 3rd Mission will attest.

  • toy_brain #9 3 years ago

    I have an uncomfortable/pervy liking for the PS2 iterations of these games, where the skilless hackandslash action combined with stat-grinding gives me something else to do while listening to podcasts.
    But those games were a tenner a throw, and this one is £30 in most highstreet shops.

    So, I'll be digging it out of the bargin bucket sometime in the future. (and trying not to look like a sad lonely wanker when I go to the counter to pay for it).

  • Roamer #10 3 years ago

    Needs video review!

  • jellyhead #11 3 years ago

    Shame. I'll still get it though as a trophy to my love of cheese and kitsche :)

  • dr_faulk #12 3 years ago

    What a fantastic review. Well done to all involved.

  • DFawkes #13 3 years ago

    Forgot to say, still good review, even if I do disagree.

  • smoothpete #14 3 years ago

    Coco Hernandez?

  • thedaveeyres #15 3 years ago

    Brilliant review. :D

  • JDub #16 3 years ago

    Boneful blood ftl...

  • DFawkes #17 3 years ago

    Baneful.

  • HuggyAtHome #18 3 years ago

    Wasn't she the lead character in Fame?

  • RexRunti #19 3 years ago

    It's games like this, Rumble Roses and DOA:X2 that highlight the one flaw with the achievement system.

  • b00n #20 3 years ago

    "Yes, it's got semi-naked ladies in it, but is that really enough to make it worth playing?"

    Why, yes!

  • actionfitz #21 3 years ago

    "it's got semi-naked ladies in it"

    \o/
    /reserves 3 copys...


    (not really lol).

    awesome review though :D
    Edited by 1 at 05/03/09 @ 09:50

  • DFawkes #22 3 years ago

    @RexRunti

    I'm confused by your comment, to be honest. I can see that DOAX2 and Rumble Roses reward costume buying, making it clear the games real aims. But Onechanbara rewards good combo usage, killing when you're at a disadvantage, and being generally good at the game. How is that a flaw in the achievement system?

  • MENTAL1ST Verified Senior Software Engineer, Picsel UK Ltd. #23 3 years ago

    It's games like this, Rumble Roses and DOA:X2 that highlight the one flaw with the achievement system.


    You want to create a local profile that isn't Xbox-live activated, mate.

    (oh look, DFawkes has missed the point)

  • Evolution #24 3 years ago

    Can Ellie review the Wii game as well? :)

  • spekkeh #25 3 years ago

    Would the score be any different if you're a spotty nerd with raging hormones and your pants halfway to your knees?

    Not that I am, mind. Just wondering. For the sake of science.

  • coastal #26 3 years ago

    As Mr Hicks would say, now that you've crossed the line, go hog wild.

    Now take this game back to the developers and go hog wild with it.

  • DFawkes #27 3 years ago

    @Mentalist(air)

    Help me out then please :) I know I missed the point, then admitted I counldn't see the point. How much point-missing-admission do you need? DFawkes - Point-finding skills of 0, wearing a shirt of Point-missing plus 100, with a special Bracelet of Not Quite Getting It.

    Is it because they block up your profile with nothingness? I've had the DOAX2 one on my profile with nothing for ages, and I suppose it is annoying to have 0 for so long.

    Like I say though, Onechanbara isn't like that, they're reasonable enough.

  • LeoTheLudo #28 3 years ago

    I simply loved this review :) Don't think it quite sold me on the game, though - but it was close ;)

  • Toothball #29 3 years ago

    @DFawkes:

    I think the point was that getting an achievement on one of these games is like filming yourself at the scene of the crime, posting it to the internet and sending all your friends the link. This is only a problem if you're trying to hide the fact you're playing games about women wearing very little from the people you know.

    In my circle of friends, this is still deemed more acceptable than getting achievements in Avatar, the Last Airbender.

  • Dr_Wadd #30 3 years ago

    I was never expecting a masterpiece from this game, but the score does seem overly harsh. While I do appreciate that different people are going to get different things from a game, there are elements to this review that seem totally contrary to my experience of the game. For example, the comment about Annna not being accurate with her guns, I’ve been using that character to rack up some of my biggest hit combos in the game. Unless I’m playing it spectacularly badly, which is always a possibility, I’ve found that most of the enemies are not one hit kills (the ones that remain as walking legs and nothing else are particularly annoying).

    I think the way to look at this game is to consider it as another EDF2017, only with swords instead of stupidly big guns. It has exactly the same sort of old-school chaotic charm.

  • mrmonkey1980 #31 3 years ago

    I wonder if any of the guys would have given it an extra point?

  • DFawkes #32 3 years ago

    Thanks very much Toothball, I see now. I still don't care if people know what I've been playing, I like all the games I own because they're at worst alright. I couldn't live with Avatar though, that'd be too far.

    I agree with Dr Wadd's view of looking at it like EDF2017, though admittedly it is a bit pricey at the moment. I also Agree Annna is a lot more useful than she sounded in the review. It almost sounds like Ellie didn't even know there was a lock-on button, which would mean she hadn't even played it much. I say almost - I don't actually think that, and if you're a sword fan you'd probably never use Annna. The free DLC character Reiko is good though, a sword and a gun for DMC style fun :)

  • Denny #33 3 years ago

    Excellent Review, I thought for a minute you had convinced charlie brooker to restart doing game reviews. cracking stuff.

  • jonsaan #34 3 years ago

    I'm sure this game is indeed crap in the opinion of the reviewer. However, DOAX remains the best volleyball game of the last god knows how many years though. It's also got a damn fine jetskiing game in it.

    It's so very fashionable to take the wounded feminist p.o.v. when talking about these games. Not you Ellie, I don't think you did. Good review!

    It's a crap game for some. Move on. Personally I would rather stare at a virtual female backside when playing 'some' games than say, a muscular, gun toting he man.
    Edited by 1 at 05/03/09 @ 10:52

  • DFawkes #35 3 years ago

    "However, DOAX remains the best volleyball game of the last god knows how many years though. It's also got a damn fine jetskiing game in it."

    /Readys mounted anti-flame machine gun and sandbags

    I totally agree. On 360 it might be the only one, but even on Xbox when there were a couple of other options DOAXV was still the best game. If they'd included the male DOA cast too some people might have seen that about it.

    I admit, I'd probably not have bought DOAXV in the first place without the tits. But I bought the second one because I like the first ones gameplay (plus I love Jetski games), and I bought Onechanbara because it looked like a Devil May Cry/Onimusha Dawn of Dreams style game. Which it is.
    Edited by 1 at 05/03/09 @ 11:05

  • peteb #36 3 years ago

    I got this free from my local games shop when I bought a load of games for my company's Xbox.

    Its so so so so god awful, yet strangely I couldn't stop playing it the other night. Its like when you can't stop staring at a girl who is freakishly ugly, or something, I dunno. Stop judging me!!

  • therev #37 3 years ago

    Zombie Zone on the PS2 was a lot of fun, so this might be worth a rental.

  • JahB #38 3 years ago

    +1 for boob physics. so next-gen

  • PlugMonkey #39 3 years ago

    I think the way to look at this game is to consider it as another EDF2017, only with swords instead of stupidly big guns. It has exactly the same sort of old-school chaotic charm.

    Excellent. That's kind of what I was hoping. I'm having an absolute blast with EDF at the moment.

  • DFawkes #40 3 years ago

    I have to admit though, I could argue that it's an alright game that the tits don't affect until the cows come home, but that doesn't take away the fact I usually press the sword cleaning flick button more than once for the jiggling that ensues.

  • jonsaan #41 3 years ago

    I don't see the problem with that DFawkes. You like a bit of virtual ass in your games from time to time? So do I. It just annoys me that any game that dares to go down that road is automatically written off as utter tripe when it's not always the case.

  • guernican #42 3 years ago

    Bejesus. So people actually did buy this?

  • redneon Verified Programmer, SUMO Digital #43 3 years ago

    Marks out of 10? I'd give her one!

  • DFawkes #44 3 years ago

    jonsaan - Indeed. Not that I feel that's the case here, to be fair there is a lot of stuff about Onechanbara that's incredibly generic and could get somewho who reviews games for a living quite depressed, but I have seen people dismissing the likes of Dead or Alive Xtreme 2 without having played it, despite the Jetskiing being really good and the Volleyball being good too.

    It is admittedly a breast glazing on a competent (if perhaps unremarkable) game in this case, but it's not the reason you play.
    Edited by 1 at 05/03/09 @ 11:32

  • kinky_mong #45 3 years ago

    For everyone knows that zombies have no fear of military operatives, but are terrified of strippers and Venga Boys.

    Finally the truth behind why Tomo always sings the "Vengabus is Coming" in Left 4 Dead pre-game lobbies!

  • Zebula77 #46 3 years ago

    Thanks for a very entertaining review! Had a laugh reading that, but quite honestly I had anticipated a lower score. Reads like a strong one out of ten.

  • mingster #47 3 years ago

    Sounds frikin awesome....
    Funny review as well.. well done.

  • ParanoidZombie #48 3 years ago

    Jonsaan wrote: "It's a crap game for some. Move on. Personally I would rather stare at a virtual female backside when playing 'some' games than say, a muscular, gun toting he man. "

    My thoughts exactly.

  • mqblank #49 3 years ago

    Undoubtably the funniest review of the year but up there with Golden Balls as funniest review on EuroGamer EVER!

  • iokthemonkey #50 3 years ago

    Can it be played one-handed?

  • Sunyavadin #51 3 years ago

    Epic review.


    To be honest, I have a standard "Arcade conversion" level of expectation from games like this.
    Invisible walls. Keys for doors dropping after killing a certain number of enemies. Lavishly worked main characters juxtposed with no effort at all in background texturing. Repetitive button mashing gameplay. Random incongruous and repetitive deus ex machina for controlling your path. Controls clearly not designed for more than a single stick and a handful of buttons.


    If you view it as compared to other such games, it's fairly okay.

    Just don't expect anything approaching the standard of games actually designed for more than gobbling up pound coins in the back of a dingy building with stained carpet beneath your feet.

  • riz23 #52 3 years ago

    Alos worth noting that the manual for this game is totally inadequate. Ellie you say you got a 650 word essay on use of the cool combo? That must be the pdf that D3 have bandied about. The actual manual in the game box is three pages long and mentions nothing about any combos, cool or otherwise. Or evades, counter hits etc. It mentions the control pad layout and thats about it. Pathetic.

  • muters #53 3 years ago

    Near-nudity in hack'n'slash games is a damn shame and a sure sign of poor quality. You wouldn't see Kratos out of God of War only wearing a pair of pants... oh, wait.

    Yes, I'm fond of Onechanbara. The comparison to EDF is spot on, it's exactly the same kind of immediate, frantic action, just in a different genre. Low production values be damned, it's fun, albeit in a sort of 6/10 way

    What's up with the manual, though? A whole three pages of instructions? Come on. (Oops, beaten to the punch ^)
    Edited by 1 at 05/03/09 @ 13:26

  • DFawkes #54 3 years ago

    Riz23 & mutersare so right. The manual is on eof the worst I've ever owned. It barely even covers the basics - in fact, I'd go as far to say it doesn't.

  • bonker #55 3 years ago

    ""it's got semi-naked ladies in it""

    Great but where's the hosiery??

  • DFawkes #56 3 years ago

    Don't worry bonker, pretty much everything is catered for :)

  • bonker #57 3 years ago

    Show me - where??!! :D

  • sneetch #58 3 years ago

    The tits move independently from Hot Chick's body at almost all times, as if they have not just a life of their own but a job, a mortgage, a long-term relationship and a Facebook account.

    ROFL. Seriously, just ROFL. :)

  • dingo75 #59 3 years ago

    Can I have the Facebook account of the titties?
    Finally someone interesting in my friend list there!

    Great one as always Ellie! :)
    Edited by 1 at 05/03/09 @ 15:10

  • FortysixterUK #60 3 years ago

    Unfair review, unfair I say:-

    Ahem ( Lad mode engaged )......

    The game plays very basically but well, the cut scenes are passable and the main chick is young and hot ( for a virtual babe)
    I would recommend this to anyone who wants a quick zombie fight whilst goggling at the incredible insanity of the whole thing.
    A good laugh will be had by all, the only people who won't enjoy this are :-

    1) Your mum (2) Your Wife (3) Your Girlfriend ( 4 ) any other female aquaintance who doesn't look as hot as the girl in the game.
    5) Any pretentious pratt who bangs on about any game being art ( I kid you not I've read things like that written in EG forums and articles , and also worked with a few of them when I was stuck at EA testing )

    Games are supposed to be fun. This is fun.

    Piss off overly critical EG reviewer...which is inevitably what I say to many of the EG reviews and anyone who agrees with them anyway.

    Hugs :)

  • Lunaticorc #61 3 years ago

    I think i'll stick to Sexy Beach 3 for 3d nakedness.

  • BigJonno #62 3 years ago

    I had a freebie copy of DOA Volleyball on the original Xbox and, despite the assumption that it was going to be really pervy, it's got to be one of the girliest games I've ever played. Fair enough, they're in swimsuits, but that's entirely in context. You've got all these options for doing your nails and whether to use suntan lotion or sunblock and how to do your hair.

  • cyber_nicco #63 3 years ago

    A) Very funny review, Ms. Gibson.

    B) Is it really so bad to ogle the young one? I mean, that's what she's there for, right?

    Don't punish me for my thoughts...

  • muters #64 3 years ago

    I'm actually a little surprised this hasn't fallen victim of a Daily Mail/News of the World campaign, what with being able to undress a girl who doesn't look any older than about 9. When I got the game yesterday, the first thing I did was go into dress-up mode (because I'm not ashamed to admit I really enjoy dressing characters up in games) and when I got to Saki I froze for a second, then got up to close the curtains in case anyone could see what was on my telly... but that only made me feel pervier. :-/

    Anyway, getting further into the game my opinion of it's dropping a fair bit. Early on it's quite boss-heavy and I was expecting something quite Ninja Gaiden-ish, but in levels I'm up to the teens (unlike Saki) and there's an awful lot of stages that just have zombies in them, most of which you can simply run past, with no real conclusions - they just abruptly end when you run out of doors to unlock. Also, I'm still a little steamed about the manual. I know there's that guide knocking about online, but it's kind of ridiculous that neither the manual or the game itself makes any mention of half the moves you can do (not that they're any more useful than just holding RB with Annna and shooting endlessly)

    I really think this is something best played while drunk/on a coffee binge with a bit of music to focus on (Yakety Sax, obviously)

  • Pirotic #65 3 years ago

    This review reads like a 10/10 but it then rewards it only 3/10, surely some mistake

  • AOFanboi #66 3 years ago

    XBoobs lol.

    And Beach Spikers on the GameCube is a better arcade beach volleyball game than DOA Bikini Collecting Ball.

  • metalangel #67 3 years ago

    Can it be played one-handed?

    It almost sounds like that's what Ellie did!

  • werewolf2000ad #68 3 years ago

    It is irritating that the manual is so rubbish, especially considering the manuals for D3's budget releases for a bunch of the Simple2000 titles (under the Essential Games label) were properly done, including 2 of the Onechanbara games themselves. The Wii version's manual is the same rubbish, but that has proper tutorial screens in-game, so it's not a problem.

  • George-Roper #69 3 years ago

    When Ellie made a reference to a 'Coco Hernandez', I lost all ability to focus my thoughts for the rest of the day.

    Not entirely sure why. Not entirely sure what a Coco Hernandez even is!

  • Tuffty #70 3 years ago

    What a review. Coco Hernandez alone brings it up to legendary status. :)
    Edited by 1 at 05/03/09 @ 19:11

  • George-Roper #71 3 years ago

    Stop saying 'Coco Hernandez'!! I'm already a double-polaroid!

  • tuff #72 3 years ago

    Review of the year!

  • DFawkes #73 3 years ago

    Beach Spikers on the GameCube is bloody awful compared to DOA Volleyball. I did try it, just to make sure, but it felt really unresponsive in comparison. A tad random, but there you go.

  • OldK1ngCole #74 3 years ago

    Cracking review Ellie. Made me laugh from start to finish :)

  • jonsaan #75 3 years ago

    Yes, and Beach Spikers Features scantily clad ladies constantly embracing in worryingly long full contact hugs, yet it's never held against that game.

  • komator #76 3 years ago

    lol ellie, no matter how u try there's pretty much nothing u can say about a tits-and-asses-game that would make me not want to try it out