G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra Review

By Dan Pearson Published 6 August, 2009

Joe blows.

Version tested: Xbox 360

Sometimes, in the often cliché-ridden and underwhelming world of movie tie-ins, a rare gem crops up which defies the odds and makes a silk purse from a sow's ear - a golden leaf which floats against the current of cultural effluent and heads upstream toward the spring of quality, high in the originality mountains.

These against-the-odds surprises, games like Riddick and Ghostbusters, provide welcome relief from the crushing mediocrity of the of churned-out, straight-to-bargain-bin excreta which form the majority of the genre. It's nice to see, however rare.

G.I. Joe is not one of these games. It is, in fact, almost the diametric opposite: a lazy and predictable slog through 20-year-old game design, stultifying 'action' and glaring, ridiculous omissions. There's no defending it on the grounds of being a kids' game, since most astute children will likely find this turgid, unengaging blast every bit as tedious and repetitive as their adult counterparts. Rendered as an entirely forgettable third-person run-and-gun through environments familiar to anyone who's picked up a pad in the last decade, G.I. Joe is the epitome of shovelware.

I was never a fan of G.I. Joe back in the mists of pre-pubescent time. I had two Action Men and an A-Team playset, but never so much as caressed the plastic biceps of these all-American super-soldiers. I don't, in truth, know all that much about them. What I do know is that they were terribly successful - selling millions worldwide and enriching the lives of children everywhere with daydreams of violence and just retribution. The reboot which accompanies the film and game, then, was always going to be a big ask - and typically it took the form of an increased edginess, higher levels of technology and violence, and the surgical removal of whatever charisma an imaginary vinyl killer could possess.

'G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra' Screenshot 1

Just look at the detail. There it is, just left of his shoe.

The characters, stripped of their individual charm by the black-suited monoculture of the film's tough new style, are forgettable yet numerous - with the anodyne lead Duke heading the charge toward stereotype. Whilst the dozen or so playable characters offer a little variation in playstyle, usually via the medium of armament, none has the necessary chutzpah to carry a story. Their inane, gung-ho military chatter is delivered with the enthusiasm and verve usually associated with Chris Martin after an afternoon in Valium valley. Ranging from the dull to the outright annoying, they are little but fleshed-out trigger fingers. It's a sad depreciation of the individuality which made the line such a success.

Gameplay is similarly grating. Hampered by an incredibly shoddy and unhelpful camera, which is entirely out of the player's control, it's a linear progression through such inspired environs as the icy forest, the sandy desert and the mid-Wednesday-afternoon Sainsbury's. The lack of perspective offered by the camera really shouldn't be underestimated - off-screen enemies happily blast away at you, corners are navigable only by luck and blind faith, and backtracking means trotting directly into the viewpoint - with no way of knowing what awaits unless you're some kind of digital Magellan.

The awkwardness is compounded by occasional forays in dreadfully controlled vehicles, where fore and aft on the left stick do acceleration and reverse, with turning handled by the same analogue. This means sluggish and often confusing directional control as the camera shifts and swoops - so the extra firepower offered by the various vehicles is swiftly compromised by their almost total lack of ability to point in the right direction.

Not that it causes a problem too often, difficulty-wise. Automatic targeting means that, essentially, all that's required of your average Joe is to hold down fire and wander listlessly amongst the resulting carnage. A simple cover mechanic is available: pressing A will stick your character to the back of one of the many convenient, destructible pieces of concrete which litter the playfield, where the three-part health gauge above their head will recharge a little more quickly. Hit fire again and they'll pop out and unerringly nail the nearest opponent - ducking back down when the trigger is released. Flicking the right stick changes targets, but there's really very little skill, or indeed enjoyment, involved at all.

Once in a while a boss-type chap will appear, sometimes in a large, armoured vehicle, requiring you to dodge and roll a little as the projectiles stream in. Dodging is performed with A again, making for some frustrating games of hide-and-seek when all you really want is a little duck-and-dive. Even during these moments of mild peril, simply holding the right trigger means a constant stream of fire pouring toward your foe, untroubled by whatever gymnastic tomfoolery you might manage to coax from your cookie-cut avatar. It's unsatisfying, boring and when luck does occasionally abandon you to a bullet-riddled grave, feels like you've been let down by a poorly implemented mechanic rather than conquered by the forces of terror.

'G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra' Screenshot 2

Ninja, soldier, forcefield, yawn.

Oh, and if you do die, the AI-controlled partner often sits rigidly in the field of enemy fire, swiftly gunned down without offering any resistance. When you both die the whole level must be started again, despite the two or three checkpoints which you'll encounter on each mission, seemingly there only to alleviate the tedium a little by offering an update on the score. It's genuinely baffling. And massively dumb. Switching to the easiest difficulty level means that you'll avoid this by respawning almost immediately, but it'd be both more challenging and pleasurable to see how many Wotsits you can fit under your eyelids before you suffer total cheese blindness.

A spot of light entertainment is proffered by the 'Acceleration Suit', whose power charges gradually with kills, releasing a burst of speed and increased firepower for a few seconds. You don't really need it, though. In fact, you don't really need anything on offer here at all. If your progeny are really screaming for a slice of the playground kudos, then get them a copy of Viva Pinata and Sellotape a generic action figure to the front of it. They'll thank you for it later.

3 / 10

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About Dan Pearson

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Comments (44) Latest comment 2 years ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • Iain815 #1 3 years ago

    Ew.

  • Optyk #2 3 years ago

    Joe does blow.

  • Arwin #3 3 years ago

    So that's how you write sellotape! Who knew ... And the costumes in Home are actually very cool, I'm wearing the white coat with the double katanas in Home now.

    So apart from the lousy cartoons, the no doubt terrible movie, and this dreadful game, it's not a total loss, then. ;)

  • Paper #4 3 years ago

    So that's a no for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: The Action Figure: The Movie: The Game.

  • Metalfish #5 3 years ago

    So worse/better than Darkfall then?

  • Lamb #6 3 years ago

    I thought it would be like a fun romp with Scarlett, Lady Jaye and the Baroness!!! :p

    Was hoping for a good game. :''''(

    Dammit EA/Hasbro what happened? Really developer dudes lay on some programmers with mad skills to make these games.

  • the_dudefather #7 3 years ago

    This is for lazy game design!
    This is for the repetitive gameplay!
    This for for the terrible AI!
    AND THIS IS FOR THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!

    /salutes Sgt Slaughter

  • RobotRocker #8 3 years ago

    Not even Porkchop Sandwiches then?

    /GAME OVER YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

  • LowEnergyCycle #9 3 years ago

    3/10. What a massive suprise.

  • Gl3n #10 3 years ago

    We all know of rauper's shadey and illicit contacts with Mattel. I'm calling teh bias!

    ...oh

  • The_Mountie #11 3 years ago

    Don't worry. There's still hope:

    Jeff Minter is putting the finishing touches to "ACTION FORCE: Baron Ironblood vs. The Space Llamas" as we speak.

  • Pro_Gamer #12 3 years ago

    Easy achievment points at least.

  • Farzlepot #13 3 years ago

    I'm sold! We need some spare discs to scare herons away from the ponds.

  • persus-9 #14 3 years ago

    I always feel slightly guilty about reviews like this. I saw the title and I thought: "Oh, that's going to be bad." So I clicked. I read the first two paragraphs about how some movie games are good and I thought: "Yep, this is going to be very bad." So I read the switch around paragraph where Dan says this is not one of those times and carried on reading to the end, grinning throughout.

    I don't take nearly that much pleasure in reviews of the good games that I'm not interest in. I wonder if I'm a bit evil. I'm reading a report of Dan having a horrible time with a horrible product that will be bought and cause no end of disappointment to thousands of people, many of them children and it was probably made by a development team who are probably great guys who are probably miserable as sin that they spent the last few months of their lives working on a movie tie in game that was almost certainly doomed from the start.

    Yet here I am grinning like a ninny. I guess could put it down to an appreciation of good emotionally expressive writing and reviewers often have a chance to be more emotionally expressive when discussing games at the extremes of the score spectrum and Dan certainly did a great job of expressing his disgust here. Yet while I think that is definitely true I don't think that's all that going on here. I think I'm basically just an evil rubbernecker, slowing down to watch the latest horrific crash on the internet superhighway and feeding a little off Dan's misery. I didn't cause any of the misery so I guess I'm morally in the clear but there is something perverse about it. I'm still grinning though.

  • kendoji #15 3 years ago

    I'm with you persus, there is something wonderful about scathing reviews of terrible games.

  • sadakos_fury #16 3 years ago

    And not a Red Shadow in sight. Blood for the Baron, if you please.
    Anyone remember when this came out? It was another one of the small number of game tie-ins that didn't smell.
    http://ww w.worldofspectrum.org/infoseeki...

  • muscleblade #17 3 years ago

    "Easy achievment points at least"

    Guess your getting the game Miiiguel.

    Oh no i didnt. Sorry.

  • Daymare #18 3 years ago

    These against-the-odds surprises, games like Riddick and Ghostbusters...

    and Wolverine!

  • muscleblade #19 3 years ago

    Wolverine did get a 5/10 on here so i dont think Eurogamer agree. I didnt like it much myself.

  • beastmaster #20 3 years ago

    I'd this the same G.I Joe 'with the kung-Fu grip'?

  • Zebula77 #21 3 years ago

    Did Wolvie really get a 5 on here? I thought that one was pretty decent. Repetitive, but quite a lot of fun.

    This does not look like fun, tho. Neither does the movie.

  • TheDifficult3rdAlbum #22 3 years ago

    >I had two Action Men and an A-Team playset

    You rich kids make me sick - I hope you choked on that silver spoon in your mouth.

  • gallow #23 3 years ago

    So its a no job for Snow Job.

  • creepylizard #24 3 years ago

    The movie will be just as bloody shite, no doubt. Just like those awful Mummy films...

  • creepylizard #25 3 years ago

    The good thing about the GI Joe toys was the joints at the knees and elbows. far more fun to play with..

  • Kirah #26 3 years ago

    Would have been worth a 3.1/10 if it was called "Action Force: The Rise of Cobra"

  • Olemak #27 3 years ago

    3/10 is probably accurat, but I could not help noticing that the description of the cover mechanism would also fit the cover mechanism in GTA IV perfectly:

    "A simple cover mechanic is available: pressing A will stick your character to the back of one of the many convenient, destructible pieces of concrete which litter the playfield, where the three-part health gauge above their head will recharge a little more quickly. Hit fire again and they'll pop out and unerringly nail the nearest opponent - ducking back down when the trigger is released. Flicking the right stick changes targets, but there's really very little skill, or indeed enjoyment, involved at all."

    Just saying.

  • XdarXideX #28 3 years ago

    I saw the film last night. It's probably the biggest waste of $170m there ha ever been. The plot, acting, sets and cgi were horrible! Still it was entertaining in that you can laugh at how bad it really was (the icing on the cake for me was the name "Dr Mindbender";). I'll admit I'd forgotton about most of the cartoon series but it was like watching a cartoon. It may as well not have been live action.

    I also played the game briefly before going to see it and I'd be tempted to say the game is more enjoyable even though it too is horribly shit!

  • schnide #29 3 years ago

    This is great. Just great. The human race is at it's peak of evolution with cumulative knowledge in storytelling and technology the most advanced it's ever been.

    And yet thousands of pounds and man hours have gone into turning out shite like this film and this game. I feel so proud.

  • Fatum #30 3 years ago

    Still better than Darkfall. hrhrhr

  • Olemak #31 3 years ago

    Kung Fu Panda The Game scored a 7/10

    [link url=http://www.eurogamer.net/articles/kung-fu-panda-review
    ]http://ww w.eurogamer.net/articles/kung-f...[/link]

    That is the highest score I can think of for a tie.in game that was released pretty much simultanously with the movie in theaters. That Riddic game is not based on one particular film, remember, and had very little in common with the Riddic movie anyway. And Blade Runner was published like 20 years after the movie.

  • Chufty #32 3 years ago

    Lol he said chutzpah.

    Why do these games keep getting a 3? More 1s and 2s please.

  • TruWari3r #33 3 years ago

    Still better then the movie

  • geeza2020 #34 3 years ago

    i cant say im in the least bit surprised with the score this game got.

    I am suprised that the reviewer managed to play it for more than five minutes without gouging out his own eyes.

  • wizbob #35 3 years ago

    sadakos_fury :And not a Red Shadow in sight. Blood for the Baron, if you please.
    Anyone remember when this came out? It was another one of the small number of game tie-ins that didn't smell.
    http://ww w.worldofspectrum.org/infoseeki...

    Yeah, that game was alright. Do Hasbro also own the Action Force licence? Maybe someone could do a better job with that. I sold some of my broken old Action Force toys on eBay earlier this year, so there's definitely demand for them out there.

  • kinky_mong #36 3 years ago

    Their inane, gung-ho military chatter is delivered with the enthusiasm and verve usually associated with Chris Martin after an afternoon in Valium valley.

    glol.

  • AgentBalti #37 3 years ago

    Still, not as bad as Big Rigs...check out that review! Ouch...coded by a small child.

  • crazyhorse174 #38 3 years ago

    They'll never learn though will they? As bad as these games are, people will still buy them. Dont be surprised if this ends up riding high in the charts next week. As long as people keep buying them and giving the devs money, they'll keep churning them out.

    The best thing we all could do is ignore them completely. Reviewing them on sites like this just gives them exposure.

  • Waldo #39 3 years ago

    It'll be re-released on XBLA in 25 years and will probably score an 8. ;)

  • TRUTH #40 3 years ago

    The film was Sh#t too!

  • Bitkari #41 3 years ago

    More childhood memories ruined.

  • Daryoon #42 3 years ago

    I wish they'd stop all this dark-and-gritty bollocks. Why can't they keep things bright and campy when they make them? You'd almost think they want people to take their toy-inspired films SERIOUSLY!

    Now, there are a couple of GI Joe games on the NES that are actually pretty passable. They were published by Capcom, I think, and were similar to games like MegaMan and Bionic Commando. The gimmick was that you selected a team of soldiers from a large group before each stage, with each character having their own specialities.

    It would be funny if they were more playable than this thing.

  • davisorle #43 3 years ago

    Yeah, it only took me one ingame video from that game that i watched about 2 weeks ago to tell easily how much of a failure it is.. You know, usually you say "i cant tell that much for sure unless i play cause might end up being fun wasting some time with it even if kinda pointless" but this thing just screams out how bad it is. I only checked the review to see the score it got and honestly I think its exactly what it desearves :/

    Id like to know what was the moral lesson for the developers of the game and what G.I.Joe would tell them for next time. Don;t think there even should be a next time for them :S

  • captain-future #44 2 years ago

    3 is even generous.