Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. Not our words, but the words of Ferris Bueller. Now, Ferris may have been a smug embryonic yuppie with a grossly inflated sense of self-entitlement and a penchant for butchering Beatles songs, but in this case he had a point. There's a lot going on, and nowhere is this more true than Eurogamer TV - the shiny copper video spout whose motto might as well be "there's a lot going on". Sometimes, in fact, there's so much going on that you may miss some good stuff. That's why this is happening - the first of our monthly recaps, the edited highlights if you will, compiling the best of Eurogamer's magic moving picture output into one click-friendly article. Slip off your shoes, loosen the pants and look with your eyes.
Condemned 2: Bloodshot, the sequel to the 360 launch hit, finds disgraced boozy forensic expert Ethan Thomas back in the tramp-mashing business, investigating another mysterious outbreak of random violence and serial murderlising along the way. To celebrate, SEGA lured the elegantly coiffured Johnny Minkley and his trendy scarf to an Amsterdam dungeon for his Eurogamer TV Condemned 2 Special. As well as a brief glimpse of the lovely Emily Booth being menaced in the dark, you also get such memorable moments as Our Johnny being manhandled by someone who looks alarmingly like Helena Bonham Carter in Sweeney Todd and generally soiling himself in terror as people in costumes shout at him. Clearly, the location got to the poor chap, as you'll hear him lovingly describe the act of smashing a man's face into a wall as "buttock-clenchingly satisfying" before going on to literally torture SEGA's hapless PR fellow for info about the game. WARNING: This video does contain footage of a bright pink strap-on.
Keeping things on a creepy tip, we also gave F.E.A.R. fans a little insight into that spooky shooter's upcoming sequel, Project Origin, with a two-part developer's diary - which we're hiding behind the words part one and, oh, part two. If that's not enough, there's always the rather cinematic teaser trailer, which ticks all the required horror boxes - eerie children, skittering mutant things, desolate playgrounds and, er, outrageous amounts of small arms fire.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. That's the mantra of bored businessmen who still think Sin City is a swinging Sinatra sort of town, and not just a garish Blackpool where America's rich old farts pay exorbitant amounts to watch has-been singers and camp magicians. However, where Rainbow Six is concerned, what happens in Vegas makes for an exciting shooty time, and Vegas 2 continues the series in fine style. Needless to say Eurogamer TV was on hand with something a little bit special. Literally, a Eurogamer TV Special, in which regular EG forumites Inquisitor and TheRealBadabing (not their real names) were given the real-life Rainbow Six experience in something called "The Killhouse", thanks to the scary ex-military blokes from live-action videogame re-creators Warfighters. Grr. "There's a real chance you're going to get shot," explains Warfighters' Dave Thatcher, holding his fingers apart to demonstrate the .43 calibre rounds that will be fired at Minkley's tender flesh. Can the Eurogamer team really survive such an onslaught? The answer may surprise you - though the image of Johnny's mashed-up face afterwards probably won't.
March also brought new teasers for Grand Theft Auto IV, a game that will inevitably bring about the fall of civilisation as we know it. The LCPD spot is a witty spot of plod-baiting, sure to rile up the series' more vocal conservative detractors, while the second ad introduces us to the very dubiously titled supporting character Packie McReary. Then we got a full-on GTA IV trailer with a slightly less inflammatory name just last night. It's worth it for the car chase around the airport, or at least that's the bit we can remember at this time of the morning.
After all that shooting and maiming, lets take a diversion into Nintendo Country where things are always colourful and cuddly and OH MY GOD WHY IS EVERYONE HITTING EACH OTHER? Yes, it's Super Smash Bros. Brawl, a game that really does exist because I emailed a friend in America to check. Apparently the delay has been caused by Nintendo's plan to put poisonous spiders in all PAL boxes, so while you're waiting for the epic character clash mash-up to arrive in Europe you can always pass the time with some gameplay footage and our video of the Rumble mode. Blow it up to full-screen, stand in front of your monitor and wave the Wiimote around. There. Now all your friends are jealous.
There were several reasons for excitement in the PS3 camp during March, not least of which was the first trailer for MotorStorm 2. Revealing the game's tropical island location, and hinting at a physics system that will allow racers to bring scenery crashing down on rivals, it looks really quite special. Well, the renders do. Gran Turismo 5 Prologue is a more immediate PS3 racing prospect, and we offered you the sexy new TV spot should such things rev your engine, and we also have footage from the actual review copy.
360 owners got a little quiver of excitement in their undercrackers as well, thanks to Epic Games' presentation at GDC. Revealing changes to the Unreal Engine 3, CEO Tim Sweeney showed off what Gears of War might look like had it been released in 2008. In amongst the tech-babble about ambient occlusion lighting and soft body physics were many glimpses that must surely represent a pretty good insight into where they're headed with Gears of War 2. Most exciting among these is a look at the new crowd technology, which enables them to unleash hundreds of Locust Hordes rather than five or six.
Winning the prize for most unintentionally hilarious trailer of the month is Guitar Hero On Tour, the palm-sized DS version of the plastic fret-strumming smash. Apparently endorsing the notion that the game is aimed at repulsive stage-school show-offs, and will make you look really really cool, the trailer certainly suggests a game that you'll want to see in action at least once, if only to point and laugh. Which is a victory of sorts.
On the subject of brightly coloured plastic, this month also saw the debut of trailers for two games guaranteed to brick your console. Because it's LEGO, you see. LEGO Indiana Jones and LEGO Batman to be precise, and both look set to continue the high standard of silly humour and family-focused puzzling set by LEGO Star Wars. We can't help thinking that Batman's larger cast of characters gives it a better chance of fitting the formula, but we're giddily excited about both all the same.
Wait. What's that sound? That angry rustling? Oh dear, it's some grumpy PC gamers, shambling out of their woodland den, all cross that there's been nothing for their console-phobic tastes. Sheesh. I suppose you forgot that we brought you a twenty-two minute demonstration of StarCraft II's Protoss and twelve minutes showing off the Terrans at work, which starts with a nice nostalgic crackly bit like an old LP for some reason. You've never had it so good.
And just as John Craven used to sign off with a funny story about a squirrel that could do maths, here's our favourite from the more obscure videos of the last month. De Blob is yet another PC homebrew game, following the likes of N and Audiosurf, making the leap to commercial consoles. In this case, it's the Wii that will host this gelatinous tale in which the wobbly blob of the title picks up and mixes colours before splatting all around a monochrome town, colouring everything in. The gameplay looks considerably refined from the original freeware student experiment, so here's hoping that the move to motion-sensing doesn't lose the game's blubbery charm.
So, that was March, Eurogamer TV style. This hand-picked selection is but a fraction of the audio-visual delights that await you each and every day in our dedicated gaming video channel. Sexy popular people are tuning in right now. Shouldn't you join them?