Crane Simulator 2009 Review

By Matthew Groves Published 19 November, 2009

Weapon of mass construction.

Version tested: PC

Not 20 yards from my house is a penned-off area which the council, judging by the logo-festooned barriers, has clearly commissioned a contractor to work on. It's basically a big hole in the road, and has gone untended for some four or five days now. Every time I walk past on my way to work, two emotions resume their daily struggle.

The first is a tutting sense of gentle outrage that a slice of my council tax is trundling slowly, inexorably, into the contractor's purse as he juggles his teams around various jobs for maximum profit. Standard stuff; we all know it happens. And maybe this makes me a bad citizen, but my civic concern is soon shoved gleefully aside by the second: a kind of boyish wonder at the very innards of infrastructure. There's a number of coloured pipes down there, that are obviously pumping vital services into houses like mine. What substance does the blue plastic pipe transport? And that huge yellow one next to it? If I was a little more Victorian in my principles, I'd roll up to the nearest workman, and inquire as to the nature of these services, just to know more about how it all works. If only I could find a workman to ask, obviously.

Crane Simulator 2009 caters to the second of these emotions. It seeks to engage the fascination men have with artifice and construction, and the skilled control of precision equipment. Building stuff to further the cause is in our blood, and that's evident in so many forms of gaming. From the swiftly crafted series of passes and crosses culminating in the perfect goal, to upgrading a barracks so it can knock out stick-men with rocket launchers, it's all about the build. How can Crane Simulator 2009 fail?

It's a question of pace. Or in the unique case of Crane Simulator 2009, the desolate lack of it. The first 'mission' sees you in command of a Lieber mobile crane, tasked with the construction of a prefabricated house. Before you lies an empty plot where the wall-sections need to be placed; to your left sits a pair of trucks laden with prefab wall-sections. And so the scene is set. Go build!

'Crane Simulator 2009' Screenshot 2

It's like a flight simulator. For a plane with no engine.

But do it very, very slowly. Care and precision are the watchwords here, as your hands settle awkwardly on the cursor and page-up/page-down keys. Construction is a matter of slowly swinging the crane above the truck, slowly lowering and hooking the wall-section, slowly raising it off the truck-bed, slowly rotating the crane and extending it into the right position, and, yes, slowly lowering the piece into its allotted slot.

45 agonising minutes pass. The ground floor of the house begins to take shape, as you box the preset floor-plan into recognisable rooms. Time is measured by the chiming of a nearby church clock, the plaintive mooing of unseen cattle, the now-deafening chirp of a skylark, and the brain-porridging drone of the crane's ceaseless motor. And then, incredibly, you find you've finished the ground floor! "You've earned a break," the mission briefing tells you. "Yes, I do believe I have," you think to yourself, satisfied with a job well done. And it really felt like work, didn't it?

Screenwipe, and mission two begins: Build the second floor. Oh no. More bloody wall sections.

It's at this stage you begin to wonder how to speed it all up. And the answer is, you can't - not if you want to do well. Every time an item is plucked aloft by your crane, a points-ticker is activated, which begins a swift and demoralising countdown to zero. Every collision docks points, so the depleting value drops further still. You need to temper brevity with precision if you're to score big, but because the entire points system is based around a rapidly diminishing score, you never feel like you're being rewarded. It's more a case of damage-limitation, and you always feel a little short-changed, no matter how well you do.

Then the penny drops: you don't give a fig for the points. You want to get the damn thing finished, and - hopefully - earn the right to work on a really exciting job. However, wild swings make for pendulous loads which barrel around with Newtonian gusto. They take time to settle down before they can be lowered into place, and a really heavy collision can fox the physics engine completely. My impatient manhandling of a roof section saw it smash pell-mell into the side of the house and flip over completely.

As the game encourages you to work in a methodical manner, it's no surprise the code appears to lack contingency for such devil-may-care actions, but it was still an eyebrow-raiser to see the upside-down roof section stuck in a madly elastic yo-yo loop as the physics engine went off its rocker. I can only imagine the expression on the foreman's face as he watched his premiere crane-ace repeatedly battering the side of house with its own roof section in an effort to get it righted.

'Crane Simulator 2009' Screenshot 3

I am crane. SEE ME BUILD.

And finally, after two and a half hours of toil, the house was finished. What's next? Placing the cap on a 100-storey hotel-monolith in Dubai? Raising the Leaning Tower of Pisa while emergency foundation crews rush in to save the wonder from critical subsidence?

Unloading cargo containers from a ship, and stacking them carefully, and oh-so-slowly, on the quayside.

Crane Simulator 2009 is a game that forces you to crawl when you want to walk. If some kind of patience-quintupling wetware came bundled in the box, it might make sense. As it stands, I find myself actually sympathising with the workman who downs tools halfway through a job to go and work on something else. If this was a true representation of construction, and it were really this boring, we'd all be living in the trees, looking down on half-finished streets lined with incomplete foundations.

4 / 10

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Picture of Matthew.

About Matthew Groves

Read more articles from Matthew by visiting the Matthew Groves archive page.

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Comments (78) Latest comment 2 years ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • UncleLou #1 2 years ago

    Very amusing read, captions and all. :)

  • BabyJesus #2 2 years ago

    Crane simulator?

    Whats next, IT Support Simulator?

  • Stompy #3 2 years ago

    For many people, games are a form of work. They grind, they enjoy timesinks, they go for repetition. This is a wholesame version of this that doesn't involve pretending you are an orc, and I sympathise.

    In particular, I'm glad that nerd + construction = nerdstruction is now possible, when previously the incipient prejudice of builders made it likely to end in tears.

  • Stompy #4 2 years ago

    "Whats next, IT Support Simulator?"

    You can't simulate IT support safely because players will always reach for the reset button on their computer after they have clicked the "turn it off and on again" option so many times it has brainwashed them.


    I recall an excellent article in Amiga Power, by the way, where the possibilty of many very poor real-life simulation games was discussed. I actually made the suggested "Funeral Director Simulator" on the Amstrad NC200 laptops at school. You had to kill to get clients!!! Ha.

  • TruSmiles #5 2 years ago

    I actually laughed out loud on the front page.

    I have to try this game!

  • the_dudefather #6 2 years ago

    is this going to be reviewed next?

  • Xerx3s #7 2 years ago

    Mind that these "games" are usually aimed at a market outside the games market. Revenue from the games market is an added bonus.

  • Evolution #8 2 years ago

    *claws out his eyes*

  • Skurmedel #9 2 years ago

    I do wonder if this game is meant to be fun though, I mean, if it's there to educate future crane builders or something all it has to be is realistic enough.

    Still funny review :D
    Edited by 1 at 19/11/09 @ 08:38

  • Darren #10 2 years ago

    Oh my lord... I thought this review was a practical joke... :o

  • coastal #11 2 years ago

    Combine this with Euro Truck Simulator immediately!

  • Shadders #12 2 years ago

    Despite the negative tone of the review, I can't help but think this exposure will do wonders for its sales.

  • Benyboyuk #13 2 years ago

    "And the winnner of 2009 game of the year is..................."

  • f00b_inc #14 2 years ago

    No effing way!

  • Azazel #15 2 years ago

    Where iz da gunz? lolol

  • kendoji #16 2 years ago

    In a scary way, I can actually see myself enjoying a game like this.

  • mingster #17 2 years ago

    I love cranes.
    I am a true cranespotter and have pictures of different types on my phone.
    This is an instabuy for me.

  • tobsen #18 2 years ago

    Damn , I expected this to be a 9... now I have to get Cement Mixer Simulator instead.

  • InfiniteFury #19 2 years ago

    "Funeral Director Simulator" on the Amstrad NC200 laptops at school. You had to kill to get clients!!! Ha.

    That actually sounds like quite good fun.
    Edited by 1 at 19/11/09 @ 09:21

  • Goffee #20 2 years ago

    Oh, come on. I go past Southampton docks on the train and think it'd be a chuckle stacking all those cargo containers in funny tetris-shapes, this is the only chance I'll get to do it.

  • optimusprym8 #21 2 years ago

    IT support simulator - press [ALT]&[F4] to win

  • b00n #22 2 years ago

    This should be on Wii! The motion controls would improve the game to no small amount! Balance board for pedal use, and one remote in each hand for every stick.

  • kendoji #23 2 years ago

    Believe it or not, I spent some time thinking about cranes the other day. I was looking at one, and I thought 'how the hell do they build the actual crane?' I mean, it's this spindly little column, with this huge long bit on top - how do they get that stuff on top up there? Maybe they use another, bigger, crane for that.

    It's all very interesting.

  • Shinetop #24 2 years ago

    One wonders, if they use a bigger crane, how did they build the biggest crane?

  • djorgen #25 2 years ago

    There's also a Forklift Simulator. And a Digger Simulator. I've seen them. And I know you want to review them!

    ..

  • Shinetop #26 2 years ago

    Anyway, the review seems kind of unfair. Like twinberettas said, it's like complaining about a flight sim having to many buttons. Or complaining about a train sim having too many on rails sections.

  • gareth886 #27 2 years ago

    Is this the 1st April?

  • Widge #28 2 years ago

    "Are you excited about Crane Simulator 2009 on PC?"

  • udat #29 2 years ago

    This is how crane's grow...

    http://sc ience.howstuffworks.com/tower-c...

  • telboy007 #30 2 years ago

    Thought this was a 10/10 for sure, but a shoddy physics engine isn't excusable in this day and age. Getting a bit keen on that forklift simulator though, awesome.

    /Goes out back and shoots himself.

  • abcd #31 2 years ago

    I certainly had high hopes for this game....oh well.

  • jambo74 #32 2 years ago

    It is a training aid for crane Operators.

  • gjgjg #33 2 years ago

    Still can't touch Bus Simulator. (yes thats real too)

  • Whizzo #34 2 years ago

    It's probably more fun than Tony Hawk's RIDE seems to be.

  • mingster #35 2 years ago

    I always wondered if they need a crane to put a crane up how do they do the first crane.

    and have you ever noticed the massive concret blocks on the end of a crane balancing it out.
    How do they keep them in? What if one fell out! Why don't cranes tip over?

    How do they get the cranes up on top of skyscrapers?

    Crane technology is definately next gen.
    Edited by 1 at 19/11/09 @ 10:21

  • asphaltcowboy #36 2 years ago

    Great review! :D

  • FooAtari #37 2 years ago

    So is this actually aimed as 'entertainment' or is it designed as an industry tool.

    If it is designed as a piece of entertainment I'd love to know how well it actually sells.

  • Shinetop #38 2 years ago

    and have you ever noticed the massive concret blocks on the end of a crane balancing it out.
    How do they keep them in? What if one fell out! Why don't cranes tip over?

    This is another of those great mysteries. If it is balanced out when it isn't carrying any load, why doesn't it fall over as soon as it lifts something?

  • kendoji #39 2 years ago

    This is all very fascinating. I propose a cranes sub-forum for further discussion.

  • Mkwone #40 2 years ago

    Are the cranes licensed?

  • northside #41 2 years ago

    Crane Simulator? That review headline has made me spit coffee over my monitor. Now everyone knows i'm not working.

  • dmt2 #42 2 years ago

    At school (1984) we had a BBC Micro that could control a plastic crane.

  • Spekingur #43 2 years ago

    You forgot the most important part!
    Does it have multiplayer?!

  • mkreku #44 2 years ago

    Still.. it's kind of endearing that there's people sitting somewhere going, "Oohh, the 2009 edition of Crane Simulator is out! My pre-order should come any day now!".

  • cam_guin #45 2 years ago

    Lunch break biscuit dunking mini-games?

  • IronCladChicken #46 2 years ago

    Better than advanced lawnmower simulator?

  • Madafunkola #47 2 years ago

    Reviewed next week- Civil Service 3: Mandarin Mania.

  • Sunyavadin #48 2 years ago

    and have you ever noticed the massive concret blocks on the end of a crane balancing it out.
    How do they keep them in? What if one fell out! Why don't cranes tip over?

    This is another of those great mysteries. If it is balanced out when it isn't carrying any load, why doesn't it fall over as soon as it lifts something?

    The blocks, I believe (I currently live next to a massive construction site, and my flat is about level with the tops of the cranes) are in motorised racks, moving them back and forth as needed to keep the load on the other end balanced.

    As for complaining that he marked it poorly when it apparently accurately simulates the boredom of the job, games may be as realistic as they want, but if the gameplay is lacking, they're not good as a game. And this is why Space Invaders will always be infinitely better than MGS4...

  • fluff_the_tiger #49 2 years ago

    Eurogamer, as usual you are way off, I have checked metacritic and your score is the lowest with everyone else giving this 9/10 at least

  • Thexder #50 2 years ago

    You forgot the most important part!
    Does it have multiplayer?!

    Yes, but, until they code in the dedicated servers, I will not buy my fourth $250.00 copy of this game. :)

  • davisorle #51 2 years ago

    If the creator wasnt obsessed with Cranes I really cant excuse him for spending time and putting effort to create this. I mean i tend to excuse motivations of developers and manage some times to find the way they might have seen it and get something out of their .. projects, even if not really accepted. But this? Seriously. Why

  • davisorle #52 2 years ago

    I "SWEAR" you have to check this one out instead. Way more "inspiring".

    I would ask kindly frmo EG staff to (p)review this. I know ill laugh some more since when I saw the video in the first place on youtube, I SWEAR I was laughing thinking it was a joke. and not an actual "game".. You thought that Digital Distributed Bible was odd? lol.. You /. We really havent seen anything yet.

    EDIT: Forgot to paste the link ^^
    http://masswepray.com/
    Edited by 1 at 19/11/09 @ 12:58

  • Ced_Flanders #53 2 years ago

    I'm intrigued by the "2009" part of the title, do they want to make it an annual franchise? And if so, how will they improve on it next year? Maybe a "Be a wall" mode or a historic mode with cranes from the early 20th century, can't wait!

  • Zomeguy #54 2 years ago

    >One wonders, if they use a bigger crane, how did they build the biggest crane?
    It's cranes all the way down :)

    >games may be as realistic as they want, but if the gameplay is lacking, they're not good as a game
    Yes, but to be fair, it says simulator in the "game" title.
    Edited by 1 at 19/11/09 @ 13:40

  • Spekingur #55 2 years ago

    Why create this, you ask. Because there's a market for it. No doubt there are crane operators that would like to practice extreme situations (if that's appliable in this program) or it is used as a training tool during teaching.

  • darkmorgado #56 2 years ago

    You mean "extreme situations" such as broken laws of physics causing a roof to endlessly bounce around?

  • TILT #57 2 years ago

    I always wondered if they need a crane to put a crane up how do they do the first crane.
    (...)
    How do they get the cranes up on top of skyscrapers?

    I often wondered about that, too. There was a nice article about cranes a while ago in the Japan Times. Cranes here seem to be different types from the ones in Europe, but I guess the technology to build them is more or less the same.
    Edited by 1 at 19/11/09 @ 14:13

  • dirk_aircool #58 2 years ago

    Sounds great.I'm looking forward to ' centre lathe turner ' 1976 to 1981 . cant wait to get my mouse on that Ward capstain.

  • Ornithophobe #59 2 years ago

    No doubt there are crane operators that would like to practice extreme situations (if that's appliable in this program) or it is used as a training tool during teaching.


    Now explain Digger Simulator, Farming Simulator, Euro Truck Simulator....

    Amazon has revealed to me a dark and horrifying world of boring sims.

    All of a sudden I feel like the protagonist in a H.P Lovecraft story, only instead of winged crab creatures that fly through the stars I face a much more terrifying enemy, men with pipes.

    Edited by 2 at 19/11/09 @ 15:20

  • KDR_11k #60 2 years ago

    Am I reading this right? CRANE SIMULATOR?

    That company dumps out simulators of all kinds of mundane crap. There's garbage collection simulator, bus simulator, excavator simulator, etc. I think only demolition simulator sounds interesting at all.

  • dmt2 #61 2 years ago

    Let's Go by Train I think sets the standard for thrillfests:

    [link url=http://www .youtube.com/watch?v=8vkCRzrQ7B8
    ]http://www .youtube.com/watch?v=8vkCRzrQ7B8
    [/link]

    Riding the Tokyo metro is infinitely more fun with a PS than in real life.

    And for all your crane needs:

    [link url=http ://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crane_%28machine%29
    ]http://en .wikipedia.org/wiki/Crane_%28ma...[/link]

  • Hydrogene #62 2 years ago

    "weapon of mass construction" I knew this review was going to be special... ;'D

  • dudefella #63 2 years ago

    Oh my god, I just had to read this review. Brilliant stuff. Look at those graphics too. I'm not expecting the height of Unreal Engine 3 here, but it looks like it stepped out of a timewarp from 1998.

  • superdelphinus #64 2 years ago

    can't wait for the game of the year edition

  • jambo74 #65 2 years ago

    The best bit in Half Life 2 was the crane part!

  • kendoji #66 2 years ago

    Bus Simulator sounds like it could be quite good fun - I'd be interested!

  • YourMessageHere #67 2 years ago

    This sounds like a training tool is being treated as a game.

    As it stands, I find myself actually sympathising with the workman who downs tools halfway through a job to go and work on something else. If this was a true representation of construction, and it were really this boring, we'd all be living in the trees, looking down on half-finished streets lined with incomplete foundations.

    Of course it's slow. It's a crane simulator, and cranes are not hyperfast. Besides, haven't you noticed how British buildings are constructed at snail's pace, and building sites are filled with bored men in safety jerkins doing absolutely nothing? If they built things at a sensible speed that would cost someone slightly more, possibly. No point in simulating an unreal state of affairs is there?

  • hahayou #68 2 years ago

    how did they build the biggest crane?

    Selective breeding.

  • Balfa #69 2 years ago

    "That company dumps out simulators of all kinds of mundane crap. There's garbage collection simulator, bus simulator, excavator simulator, etc. I think only demolition simulator sounds interesting at all."

    Obviously you've never played this gem:
    [link url=http://en.wiki pedia.org/wiki/Trashman_(video_game)
    ]http://en.wiki pedia.org/wiki/Trashman_(v...[/link]
    Loved that game :)

  • Balfa #70 2 years ago

    Also, "I can only imagine the expression on the foreman's face as he watched his premiere crane-ace repeatedly battering the side of house with its own roof section in an effort to get it righted. had me in tears laughing. Good job, Matthew.

  • Kapo! #71 2 years ago

    This would have been awesome on the Wii. You could pretend you were a crane, and imagine your arm holding the wii-remote was the crane-arm.

  • dudefella #72 2 years ago

    You need not worry friends, I have ensured that the majesty that is craning in 2009 will never be forgotten! http://ww w.giantbomb.com/crane-simulator...

  • Harmonica #73 2 years ago

    That was an excellent and witty review, and you have my sympathies for having to endure it on our behalf.

    But as excellent as it was, half of me still wants to see the other EG writers tackle this one, just to see if any of them could get enjoyment out of it. Surely if there's one man for the task it would be Jim?

    "Cranes, like tanks that lift things."
    Edited by 2 at 20/11/09 @ 02:17

  • Javier·de·Ass #74 2 years ago

    Should have done like mini reviews for all these simulator 2009 games. Quite a few of them are pretty nice. Farming Simulator has actually sold quite well in most of Europe.

  • hjarg #75 2 years ago

    Gardening Simulator 3: Watch the Grass Grow!

    That would make a great game!

    Ps! But hey, the review read like 8! Fix it immidiately! :p
    Edited by 1 at 20/11/09 @ 08:44

  • jambo74 #76 2 years ago

    Yeah, have fun operating a crane badly by dropping things from great heights and making massive towers of containers. What is the physics engine like?

    Then play a Jenga game online with mates in the multiplayer.

  • jambo74 #77 2 years ago

    @Javier·de·Ass

    Just look how many people play 'Farmville' on facebook.

  • jimmytherat #78 2 years ago

    These game certainly have their fans, if the user reviewers are to go by on Amazon. What a peculiar cultural phenomenon. Then again, a guess a break from shooting people in the face is always a good thing...

    This game should get a better score just because it is called "Crane Simulator 2009".
    Great review all the same.
    I hear in the game the window can frost up while you have our cup of tea (simulator) brewing beside you.