Conan Review

By Dan Whitehead Published 2 October, 2007

Macho man, randy savage.

Version tested: Xbox 360

I've just untied a female slave from a tree and she doesn't have much to cover her modesty. Her alarmingly inflated breasts are bouncing excitedly in the jungle air, while all that stands between the cruel elements and her delicate minnie-moo is a slender scrap of cloth roughly the size of a child's sock.

A very small child's sock.

Despite her inappropriate attire, and the fact that she's been tied to a tree by lusty pirates and presumably manhandled something rotten, she doesn't seem too upset with her situation. In fact, she seems quite...excited. "Oooh! Where are my clothes?" she purrs, arching her back and jiggling those painstakingly rendered bosoms in my direction. Needless to say, I've only got one thing on my mind: please don't let my wife walk in right now.

They say Americans don't do irony, yet this hilariously adolescent slash-em-up has been rated M for Mature in the US. Clearly, there's precious little maturity on display here but what is on display is a veritable all-you-can-eat buffet of blood, guts, boobs, blood, guts and a bit more blood. And boobs. One of the first combos you unlock allows you to slice both an assailants arms off, leaving them writhing and spurting on the floor, and it only gets more bloodthirsty from that point on. Heads fly off, torsos are bisected, intestines are yanked out with bare hands. Following even the smallest skirmish, the ground is awash with blood and severed body parts. Mature? Heck no. Stupid fun? Oh yes.

'Conan' Screenshot 1

This buxom Amazon becomes Conan's (sort of) partner, though the lack of co-op play means she buggers off between cutscenes.

Of course, this horny hyper-violence is all perfectly in keeping with the reactionary wish-fulfilment of Robert E. Howard's barbarian saga. The Conan of this game is a swaggering muscle on legs, a warrior, thief and adventurer who seemingly craves only sex and violence. No time for driving enemies before you or listening to "da lamentations of der vimmin" here. The plot, for what it's worth, is little more than an excuse to keep changing the scenery and enemies while introducing a range of magical attacks as our burly hero reclaims the bits of his enchanted armour from hulking end of level bosses. Although there are a couple of obvious energy-style attacks, the more outlandish armour powers - such as releasing a horde of angry ravens to tear your foes apart - are worth waiting for.

What depth the game has comes in the form of a three-tiered combat system, with hundreds of unlockable attack moves divided between three fighting methods: single weapons, dual-wielding and grappling. Successful fighting and the occasional treasure chest grant you experience points, which can be saved up or traded in for new attacks at any time. As with every other game of this type, you can concentrate on developing one style, or spread your skills evenly for maximum flexibility. The combo sequences are often the same between the two sword fighting styles, with only the resulting assault changing, so it's not the most technical brawler on the market. If you can string together five button presses you've got ample finger dexterity for Conan.

'Conan' Screenshot 2

Even the biggest enemy can be cut down to size, provided you've upgraded your combos and know how to block.

The game is generous with the experience points, generally doling out enough to purchase at least five new attacks per level to start with, so the emphasis is clearly on keeping players engaged through escalating carnage. Those weaned on Ninja Gaiden or God of War may prefer to head straight for the hardest difficulty settings, but while you can unleash combo after combo, there's no ability to chain your attacks meaning that brutal hack and slashing (in conjunction with a lot of blocking) gets the job done more often than not. Health refills are common - either from destroyed scenery, dismembered foes or glowing jars of wine that Conan gulps down heartily. However, rather than topping your health up immediately, these convenient beverages simply release floating green health icons which slowly home in your position. In the middle of a large melee, it's easy to get cut down while swigging or waiting for the swirling health top-ups to finish floating around the screen and actually, you know, heal you.

But such quirks are to be expected, as Conan is a very videogamey videogame, and few arcade action clichés go unused. Boss battles are a predictable and lengthy process of blocking repeated attack patterns and chipping away at their health. There are occasional puzzles and one-off action sequences - or at least moments where you have to stab buttons and twizzle joysticks to pull levers, operate crossbow turrets or topple pillars - but this really isn't a game where you'll spend much time wondering what you need to do next.

Graphically, the game is slick but functional. Conan himself has retained just enough Arnie to please most fans, but not so much that THQ need to worry about a visit from the Governator's lawyers. His voice comes courtesy of genre legend Ron Perlman, and his gravely tones hit just the right cheesy note to sell the florid dialogue, sort of halfway between wrestling smacktalk and the cod Shakespearean twaddle of Stan Lee's early Thor comics.

'Conan' Screenshot 3

Some of the monster boss fights are spectacular in scale, but the patterns required for victory are easily spotted.

Elsewhere, sadly, the presentation can be patchy. Enemy character models are repeated to tedious effect, while the abundance of smashable crates and urns hardly suggests fresh thinking. The environments look better, with some nice lighting effects, but they're still plagued by invisible walls that keep you on a linear path as crudely as they did in 1995. When the road does diverge, you instinctively know that one path will be a dead end, laden with bonus goodies, with the other leading to the next designated brawling spot.

But just when the bitter tang of disappointment at the rote mechanics of the game start to creep in, the stylised visuals cohere into a rather enticing approximation of the famous Conan artwork by Frazetta or Vallejo. A little bit hazy, a touch crude around the edges, but definitely epic and iconic with a painterly scope. Fans of the character, and those artists, will definitely be impressed. When this happens, the deliberately over the top violence combines with generic but solidly crafted gameplay to create a shamelessly visceral experience that's simple enough to be accessible while remaining true to the pulp source material. It may not be clever, but it offers as much bloodthirsty fun as you'd expect from an 18-rated barbarian slash-em-up.

Conan doesn't set its sights high enough to set anyone's world on fire, and there's not really enough meat on the bone to recommend an immediate full price purchase, but it is a well-paced and generally satisfying hunk of tongue-in-cheek gory action. The lack of real depth to the combat engine means it'll never match up to the standard of its loftier genre peers, and the absence of any co-op or multiplayer mode in a game this demented is inexcusable, but it does make for a more shamelessly enjoyable blade-swinging romp than the similar but oh-so-dull Heavenly Sword. And it has more naked boobs. Always a plus.

7 / 10

Read the Eurogamer.net scoring policy
Picture of Dan.

About Dan Whitehead

Dan has been writing for Eurogamer since 2006 and specialises in RPGs, shooters and games for children. His bestest game ever is Julian Gollop's Chaos.

Read more articles from Dan by visiting the Dan Whitehead archive page.

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Comments (81) Latest comment 4 years ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • Phily50 #1 4 years ago

    \o/ first!

  • peak_performance #2 4 years ago

    Reads like a 6, but a very fun one at that. Dismembering enemies - yay!

  • Les #3 4 years ago

    A high mark from EG, wow.

  • SeesThroughAll #4 4 years ago

    Ok, I'll start :)

    Poor man's God of War.

  • Agent_Llama #5 4 years ago

    Her minnie-moo?!

  • Scimarad #6 4 years ago

    Is it wrong that this game sounds strangely appealing?

    I've just noticed that this game is 360 AND PS3 - Which version did you review?
    Edited by 1 at 02/10/07 @ 08:21

  • SeesThroughAll #7 4 years ago

    Depends on what you mean by "strangely appealing" ;)

  • Killerbee #8 4 years ago

    I've just noticed that this game is 360 AND PS3 - Which version did you review?

    It says in the grey header strip across the top of the review - Xbox 360.

    Edit: which means nothing!
    Edited by 1 at 02/10/07 @ 11:04

  • Antonyw999 #9 4 years ago

    Picked this up on PS3 on Friday. I'd agree with the review. It's got a few rough edges but overall it's great fun. There are loads of instant kill finishing moves if you manage to successfully parry an incoming attack which never seems to get old.

  • Universal_Hamster #10 4 years ago

    True, maybe he meant to say Heavenly Sword was utter shite.

  • Scimarad #11 4 years ago

    I think that's a little harsh...

  • menage #12 4 years ago

    Bargain bin champion!

  • lambtron #13 4 years ago

    "Heavenly Sword dull? Silly reviewer."

    "True, maybe he meant to say Heavenly Sword was utter shite."

    It was neither dull nor utter shite. It was however, much too short, much too easy and the gameplay was fudged, although not fundamentally broken. The end boss was however, utter utter shite - I willl give you that much.

  • asphaltcowboy #14 4 years ago

    Good review, useless with pics though ;)

  • Universal_Hamster #15 4 years ago

    Well, as far as the game went, utter shite is a pretty good description. The cutscenes were bloody good though, kept me enduring the game for alot longer than I would have otherwise.

  • haowan #16 4 years ago

    Ta, fixed.
    Edited by 1 at 02/10/07 @ 09:13

  • DDevil #17 4 years ago

    I lol'd at the sub heading of this review :-)

  • TonyCocaCola #18 4 years ago

    I want this game

  • themerlin13 #19 4 years ago

    Booooobs and bloody violence!!! in one game!! GENIUS

  • JonFE #20 4 years ago

    Would consider a purchase, once it hits bargain price...

  • thejeek #21 4 years ago

    !5318008

    Doesn't look like one to pay full price for but might be a laugh second hand or bargain bin then.

  • espy #22 4 years ago

    "Macho man, randy savage"

    Easily the funniest subline of the year :D

  • Royal Fool #23 4 years ago

    No co-op or multiplayer?

    Definitely next-gen, then.

  • MENTAL1ST Verified Senior Software Engineer, Picsel UK Ltd. #24 4 years ago

    No co-op or multiplayer?

    I'd been ignoring this because I thought it was an MMO!

  • ZuluHero #25 4 years ago

    thats the other one! :)

    btw - boobies! :D

  • NegativeZero #26 4 years ago

    Sounds like a good rental or maybe a mid-2008 bargain-bin purchase.

    Too many good games coming out, not enough time & money. :(

  • omerga #27 4 years ago

    Naked boobs? Minnie-moo?

    Sold!

  • Rirekon #28 4 years ago

    7/10 is about right, good review in all honesty! My biggest, and really only, bugbear with the game is the invisible blocking which pisses me off by it's very existence.
    Saying all that, it is a very solid 7/10 and definitely worth picking up.

    "Mature? Heck no. Stupid fun? Oh yes."
    Says it all really :-)

  • Saladin #29 4 years ago

    Genius sub-line today.

    /applauds

  • Dizzy #30 4 years ago

    Will pick this up when it is cheapo.

  • menage #31 4 years ago

    "No co-op or multiplayer?

    Definitely next-gen, then."

    One doesn't mean the other does it. Looks like Conan was a pretty lonesome guy (never read it, only saw some movies). Co-op is fine if it's suits the content. Like Bioshock. Co-op would have ruined the story.
    Edited by 1 at 02/10/07 @ 09:38

  • semprini #32 4 years ago

    Macho man, randy savage.

    Top marks for that subtitle.

  • bonker #33 4 years ago

    Well finally some action/adventure type stuff (plus jugs!) with some nice art direction.

    Defo purchase then.

    Er, no co-op?

    Defo no purchase then ...

  • souljacker2000 #34 4 years ago

    this will be quite kool in a couple of months, second hand or bargain bin, cant beat dismembering something...

  • LonesomeRoad #35 4 years ago

    Reads like a 6?

    Yes cause theres a huge difference between 6 and 7.

  • mrharvest #36 4 years ago

    Fantastic first three paragraphs. Good writing Mr. Whitehead. :)

  • xAx #37 4 years ago

    Oooooh yeah!

  • Smugglarn #38 4 years ago

    Boobs = +1?

  • DanWhitehead #39 4 years ago

    I actually reviewed the PS3 version, though everything I said applies equally to the 360 version. This ain't a system splitter.

  • jonsaan #40 4 years ago

    No co-op. For shame!

  • Stickman #41 4 years ago

    Rentaltastic.

  • patlike #42 4 years ago

    For what it's worth, I played this at E3 and it was loads of fun.

  • bdc #43 4 years ago

    Uhm, Heavenly Sword was dull, repetitive and bland. It was also the PS3 trying to be something it's not (by the way of crappy framerates and poor acting)

  • Madafunkola #44 4 years ago

    (oYo)
    \o/

  • Lukus #45 4 years ago

    Strange, reads like a 10. o_o

  • PlugMonkey #46 4 years ago

    Defo purchase then.

    Er, no co-op?

    Defo no purchase then ...

    You all make it sound like co-op in this sort of slash-em-up is the norm. I've clearly missed a lot of co-op fighting games over the years.

  • DanWhitehead #47 4 years ago

    It may not be the norm, but a game this stupidly fun would be doubly so if you could tackle it with a friend.

  • drumbaby #48 4 years ago

    "Uhm, Heavenly Sword was dull, repetitive and bland. "

    Au contraire...but thanks for your opinion :)

  • spelk #49 4 years ago

    One added aspect to the combat is being able to torch tents and grassy areas, and use large campfires to entice the enemy into a battle with not only you but the flames. You can also put torch to your enemies - which adds a toasty treat to the normally blade and fist carnage.

  • PlugMonkey #50 4 years ago

    "It may not be the norm, but a game this stupidly fun would be doubly so if you could tackle it with a friend."

    Well, no arguments there. But I think all the people saying no multiplayer means a definite non-purchase are over-reacting a bit. For me, the 'stupidly fun' part of the review is jumping out more than the 'no multiplayer' part.

    Multiplayer in a game like this sounds like a massive technical challenge to me. If Ninja Theory couldn't do it with all the funding they must have had...

  • DanWhitehead #51 4 years ago

    If even the most basic FPS can handle a multiplayer mode in dynamic 3D environments, I'm sure it could be applied to an on-rails brawler like this. It's just the modern evolution of games like Streets of Rage, and they came with two-player as standard.

    My guess is that it just wasn't deemed relevant, not that it was too hard. I just think it'd be hilarious to chop enemies to bits with a pal.

  • dcangel #52 4 years ago

    Sounds like a fun diversion if you can grab it cheaply. Shame about the lack of co-op - I agree with DanWhitehead that eviscerating demons with a friend would of course be even more of a blast, but the lack thereof in itself wouldn't put me off excessively.

  • DonnieDarko333 #53 4 years ago

    Heavenly Sword is not dull or utter shite. It's a very good game, which just lacks a certain feel which Zelda for example always has....

    Conan looks great fun, may pick this up soon on PS3, but might go with the 360 version for achievements to add more replay value......

  • deamonized #54 4 years ago

    Some EGs reviews are lately utterly crap. nothing more to be said there.
    So what exacly is up with mentioning heavenly sword in that manner?
    IT IS an excellent game, get it through your thick skull please and wake up from your xbox slumber.

    A kid like you, yes I'll say it again. A kid like you shouldn't even be reviewing games. your review of conan gave me a laugh, litteraly. Thanks for making my day.

  • Lukus #55 4 years ago

    Deamanized=as good as heavenly sword.

  • penhalion #56 4 years ago

    @demonized
    I have both this and heavenly sword so you are frankly talking crap. Heavenly sword looks great but has 5 hours of gameplay in it and then is just plain over. It's neither satisfying or exciting to complete. The final battle is quite frankly a bit of a joke and the story doesn't explain anything about the sword or who created it or anything.

    Conan is just plain fun. Hacking people apart and constantly learning new combos. Picking up litteraly ANY weapon and using it against your enemies makes this feel like a proper barbarian battle. The story is marked by some major humour such as Conan only agreeing to help save everyone because as he put's it "it's my bloody armur and I'll not have some wizard using it for his own means!"

    Heavenly sword went for looks and achieved that wonderfully. The problem is that as most people who bought it already know. There isn't a game in there to back the visuals up. Makes me wonder if you even have heavenly sword or are just a PS3 fanboy who can't stand to hear anything bad about it's games.

  • PlugMonkey #57 4 years ago

    If even the most basic FPS can handle a multiplayer mode in dynamic 3D environments, I'm sure it could be applied to an on-rails brawler like this.

    I'm not convinced it's quite that straightforward. With a shooter you have the luxury of distance, combined with the fact that you can't actually see the thing that's hitting the enemies. If things get a bit out of synch, you can't really tell. Throw in constant physical contact and you're opening a massive can of worms in terms of collision detection, animation, AI, 'friendly fire'.

    Halo sword kills, for example, always look a bit hokey but no-one really minds because the game is predominately about guns. If that was the central focus of the game, people would be quick to point out how gash it looks.

    Streets of Rage dealt with the problem by a) only allowing you to attack enemies on the same horizontal plane and b) only having 2 frames of animation. Neither of which is really ideal in this day and age.

    Basically, 1 character being shot by 2 players is a lot easier to pull off convincingly than 1 character being beaten up by 2 players. Well, that's my theory anyway. It seems more likely than every single developer of a game of this type just being more lazy than their FPS counterparts.

  • deamonized #58 4 years ago

    @penhalion.

    First off. I own both an xbox360 and ps3, nor am I a fanboy of neither of the consoles.

    And I do own heavenly sword. that exacly, is why I'm protecting its value. As I said. Its an excellent game, short yes (if the gameplay is right the length doesnt matter much for my case), but the experience itself makes it worthwhile and "satisfying" for me and alot of others, "to come".

    I did talk crap if thats the term you wanna use. I just dont see the need to make such a comment towards heavently sword. its uncalled for, and thats why..

    As for conan I'll surely buy the game, its to my liking, and will probably have as much fun with it as I did heavenly sword :)

  • glaeken #59 4 years ago

    Well I for one am just pleased Conan sounds like its turned out Ok.

    I like this type of game but when I heard this had been moved forward 6 months on its release date it did not bode well.

  • Razz #60 4 years ago

    It's nuts yesterday I didn't want this game. Today I want it more than PGR4! :D

    It sounds like a total cheese fest I nice departure from the seriousness of Bioshock I need. :) I love games that don't try too hard.

  • glaeken #61 4 years ago

    It was the boobies I guess ;)

  • DanWhitehead #62 4 years ago

    I just dont see the need to make such a comment towards heavently sword. its uncalled for, and thats why..

    Comparing one game to another in the same genre during a review is "uncalled for"? Or is it just "uncalled for" that I found Heavenly Sword to be a technically proficient yet lifeless and bland experience? Because I really did.

  • Mashum #63 4 years ago

    I had Heavenly Sword once, took it back because it was about as responsive as postal chess.

    If Conan takes less than about 1/2 a second to consider responding to control pad input then it's an instant fatality over Heavenly Sword - imho.

  • DanWhitehead #64 4 years ago

    The fact that you can choose which skills to unlock puts it ahead of Heavenly Sword. Plus: BOOBS.

  • Razz #65 4 years ago

    BOOBS!

    (o Y O)

    RAZZ LIEK TEH BOOBIES!!!

  • dryden555 #66 4 years ago

    wait for the price to go down before we buy

  • Waldo #67 4 years ago

    They kind of quietly snuck this one out, didn't they?

    Since there's no PC version, I guess I'll have to just keep playing Severance: Blade Of Darkness to get my barbarian fix. ;)

  • Scimarad #68 4 years ago

    I think I'll have to get this at some point - Sounds daft but enjoyable...

  • Kill_Crazy #69 4 years ago

    £33 delivered on dvd.co.uk - FTW!

  • captain-future #70 4 years ago

    So it's a lamer version of ZOMGODOFWAR?

  • OfficialBlue #71 4 years ago

    Wht the hell did you diss heavenly sword?

  • spelk #72 4 years ago

    Its better than God of War because its CONAN! See?

  • Azazel #73 4 years ago

    "Will there be titty?"

    "Uh... sure!"

    "You're a fuckin' genius son! I can't write enough cheques for you!"

  • TruWari3r #74 4 years ago

    Hey if it's an easy achievement game I'm sold

  • sn3jk #75 4 years ago

    it is easy achievments :) and its a pretty straight forward somewhat easy game filled with FUN! i love it hehe

    only problem i have is deciding if im gonna specialise in one-handed, dualwielding or twohanded combat, or just do a little of all :)

  • TheJuriel #76 4 years ago

    Well, I got interested.

  • Machiavellian #77 4 years ago

    On the Heavenly Sword front, I enjoyed the game but it's definitely a rental. 5 hours of game play is pretty sparse. After that there is absolutely nothing there to make you go back and play the game again. Even Hell mode doesn't present any new challenge because the AI is the same, only thing different is that you take more damage per hit. Heavenly sword is definitely not a game that is worth full price but at a nice bargin bin price, the game would be fine.

    On the other hand I have been really looking forward to Conan and it's good to see the game is not garbage. It really does sound fun and it also sounds like it present a lot of variety and gameplay then Heavenly Sword.

  • Darth_Flibble #78 4 years ago

    I rented it yesterday, fairly good but very short (about 6 hours on normal) also the last boss is a cheap bastard. The QTE get very annoying and the button bashing get repetitive. Plus points: Its very gore, there is loads of moves and boobs ;) although the character models are ropey.

    rental only imo

  • darkbhudda #79 4 years ago

    Sounds like a 10 to me...

    5 base start
    Stupid -1
    Fun +1
    Stupid Fun +1
    Boobies +2
    Boobies not real -1
    Ron Perlman +2
    No co-op so I don't have to deal with some stupid friend who gets you killed because he says he going right but is so retarded he doesn't know the difference between left and right then screams at you because you die because he's such a moron for following what he said rather than being able to predict the mind of the moron and no I'm not bitter +1

  • Emortal #80 4 years ago

    For fans of season 9-10 of Stargate SG.1 and Farscape, it might be interesting to know that the amazon chick is voiced by Claudia Black :)

    I played the demo and enjoyed it a lot, no fancy graphics or anything, just plain fun, going to get this
    Edited by 1 at 10/10/07 @ 13:54

  • captain-future #81 4 years ago

    So, which should I pick up? PS3 or Xbox 360 version?