Dear Donald Trump,
You've had a tricky relationship with video games over the years, just like you've had with women, black people, gays, lesbians, Muslims, Mexicans, Sir Alan Sugar, and Scottish wind turbines. One minute you're claiming they're the root of all evil. The next you're retweeting videos that use Mass Effect clips to suggest you're just like the Illusive Man, a massive racist with strange implants that give him a weirdly inhuman appearance. What were you thinking, Don?
Of course, that wasn't the only time you've used games in a bid to boost your profile. Who could forget classic SimCity rip-off Donald Trump's Real Estate Tycoon? Not Amazon reviewer jasonlovesjazz: "This game has no educational value. But more importantly, it wasn't even fun." (Do check out Jason's other reviews, which include his take on the Trinity EcoStorage Stainless Steel Shelf, a no holds-barred analysis of the Qi-infinity 12v Charging Cable for Microsoft Surface Pro3, and a searing takedown of an adult-sized Harry Potter slanket.)
Some might say, how can we entrust the running of the world's largest economy to a man who couldn't accurately predict sales of his own substandard Monopoly clone? I say, bunkum! The game's downfall was its tagline: "It's not whether you win or lose - it's whether you win."
Consumers failed to grasp the subtle complexities of this statement, believing it to be a load of meaningless nonsense. We can only speculate how much higher sales might have been had you gone with one of the other slogans on the shortlist, such as, "If life gives you lemons, eat lemons," or, "We are all in the gutter, but some of us aren't."
But Donald, don't give up on the power of games. Now you're running for president, you need them more than ever, just in case the electorate isn't convinced by your arguments about waterboarding being totally cool and so on. So why not have another crack at launching your own video game? Here are some ideas for you:
PokÚdon White and Non-White
This game is inspired by Donald Trump's plan to deport all illegal immigrants living in the US. Players must travel from state to state rounding up the estimated 11 million people who fall into this category. Don't forget those Syrian refugees - gotta catch 'em all! Just like the policy, the game will cost about $114 billion and take 20 years to complete.
This fun-packed fighting game stars some of Trump's favourite people - Saddam Hussein ("I'm not saying he was a nice guy, but..."), Muammar Gaddhafi ("Would the world be better with him in power? One hundred per cent,") and Vladimir Putin ("I think I would get along very well with him.") Battle against his worst enemies, including dangerous maniacal despots like Bette Midler, Jerry Seinfeld, Alan Sugar, and Cher.
Metal Gear Donald
This thrilling action adventure is all about stealth and subterfuge. Try to win the 2016 presidential election without revealing where you really stand on issues like abortion, homosexuality, and whether white supremacists kind of have a point. If you get caught out, try hiding in a locker, or just making sh** up. The ultimate aim is to convince the electorate you're not just a massive racist - you're a really rich massive racist!
It's just like Minecraft, except the only thing you can build is a massive wall. Your first mission is to construct one on the southern US border to keep out the criminals, drug dealers, and rapists, because Mexico doesn't want any of those. Then you must build another wall to stop Muslims entering the country, and another one to keep asylum-seeking refugees out, and another and another until America is just one giant fortress containing Donald Trump, his dogwalker, and the guy who feeds his hair.
Well, there you go, Donald. Feel free to take these ideas and present them as your own - not that you've ever needed permission to do that. I know there's not long now till the election, but you can just hire one of those development studios used to knocking out a Michael Bay movie tie-in in under six weeks. It will be terrible but should still sell to idiots, just like your policies.
Yours sincerely hoping America doesn't make the greatest mistake since they let R Kelly sing the national anthem at the boxing,
PS In Britain, your name means fart.