Flick Kick Football
- iPhone (£0.59)
Not that it ever really went away, but the never-ending football's back everyone! Time to get needlessly aggressive. Time to question the parentage of officials as your team of overpaid prima donnas conspires to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Time to shake your head at the amount you pay for the privilege of this endless cycle of suffering. Time for your partner to leave you to your unfathomable misery.
Or, you could just give up on the beautiful game and celebrate by spending 59 pence on a game that is more fun than watching actual rubbish football.
The premise of PikPok's latest couldn't be simpler. Presented with a free kick opportunity, you have to boot the ball into the back of the net, beyond the despairing dive of the keeper. As the title helpfully suggests, doing so involves little more than flicking the ball to its destination with Beckham-esque precision using the digit of your choice.
You can add a little curve to the shot by adding a bit of bend as you sweep, or aim for risky Skill Shots. The nearer the crossbar or post, the more 'skilful' your shot is deemed, with an extra life awarded for your pains. Fluff the shot wide or hit a player, though, and one is chalked off for your profligacy.
With three subtle game mode variations to shoot for, the objective is always the same: hit ball, score goal, celebrate wildly.
If you're looking for a game that will end your Angry Birds obsession, hit Flick Kick Football up. It could well be your new favourite waste of time.
Platformance: Castle Pain
- Xbox Live Indie Games
- 80 Microsoft Points (£0.64)
Bloody princesses. Always getting kidnapped and locked up in castles. Why can't they learn kung-fu or carry mace or something?
Ungrateful types, too. After being mercilessly butchered, roasted, and generally eviscerated 125 times on the way to rescuing the fair maiden in Castle Pain, her only comment was, "Could you possibly die less next time?" Harrumph.
Of course, though, dying frequently is all part of the fun of Magiko Gaming's mean-spirited slice of 8bit-styled platforming punishment. Deadly insta-death traps litter Castle Pain, ranging from nasty spikes and flaming blasts to spinning blade windmills of extreme prejudice.
It all looks so innocent, too. That is until you get obliterated by the same trap 36 times. But practice makes perfect, and eventually you learn ways and means of slipping past these brutal implements of death without literally losing your head. Fortunately, the regularly interspersed checkpoints help maintain your sanity, while the presence of four difficulty levels makes it possible for even complete losers like me to rescue sulky, sultry ladies.
Whether you can speed run it and claim a gold medal is a different matter. Part with a paltry 80 Microsoft Points and boast about it to us later.